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Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. I can really relate to a lot of the things you’ve talked about here, feeling lonely with someone who drinks, but also what you said about accepting that he is a bit better, is that the right thing to do? I feel exactly the same about my partner. We have only been together for 2 and a half years and lived together just over a year – I knew he had a problem with drinking in the past which he got help for himself (before we met) but this year has just been a real challenge and although he isn’t technically drinking as often, he does it more secretively, he lies about it all the time and I feel like I have lost all trust in him. I have to force myself to just ignore it because if I start checking up on him all the time it will drive me mad and I am trying to hard to look after my own anxieties which is so hard at the moment.
It’s such a difficult thing to know what to do. I really admire your strength and determination, and for coming onto a forum for help – I have just joined this forum today because I just need to let things out and talk about it in some way! I am happy to chat and support in any way I can.
Take care x
Hi there,
I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. After such a long time, all that stands out to me is how strong and resilient you are and how you have always tried to make the best decision for your children and that is so admirable.
I am not quite in the same situation, as I have only been with my partner for 2 and a half years, but he has been drinking more and more this year and constantly lies to me and will not talk about anything or even address how he feels, how I feel, he doesn’t see it as a problem at all. I am already at a point where I don’t trust him, I feel like I am being taken for a fool and I want to leave, I am so angry with him but I feel so guilty about it.
I suppose the way I am coping at the moment is just taking it day by day, going along with whatever when he’s sober, ignoring him when he’s drunk and distracting myself with my own interests and work in between. It’s not ideal and like you, it’s not really practical to leave right now which is taking it’s toll on me emotionally as I am sure you are experiencing as well. I am trying to make some plans of what will happen when it becomes a bit more possible to leave really, and trying to manage the guilt and sadness and anger in between.
I don’t know if this helps but I hope you’re ok and remember how strong you are.
Take care x
Hello Jilly,
I have just registered and reading your post has really struck a chord with me as I am having some similar issues with my partner. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and I feel like I can really relate to a lot of it. I, like you, feel extremely lonely and I don’t know what to do next – everything going on with the lockdown and Covid is also not helping. I will tell you my story and perhaps we can help each other out, I don’t speak about this much to anyone either. I have been to some support groups but I don’t even tell them everything and I sometimes just tell them things are ok when they’re not.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 and a half years. When we met he told me he has had some issues with drinking in the past, but when we met I didn’t think his drinking was an issue as he didn’t drink to excess, just a couple on a weekend. He has had quite a traumatic childhood, losing his mum when he was 11 and his dad then becoming and alcoholic and neglecting him until he left home at 16. He works as a chef and in the time we’ve been together, I’ve seen how his job has had a really negative impact on his mental health. This year he was on furlough for 2 months and he was like a different person, in a good way! He was in a great mood and really looking after himself without the stress of work. He was starting to have a drink more and more often but it didn’t feel like a huge issue then, just a few drinks in the evening. He then went back to work but under more pressure than ever, working in a restaurant with skeleton staff and working 60-70 hour weeks. He started coming home from work every night either already drunk after drinking at the end of his shift, or bringing drinks home and getting drunk at home every single night. He then continued drinking on the nights he wasn’t at work.
When I started telling him I was concerned, he carried on but started hiding it from me. He would put some of the cans in the regular bin instead of the recycling, and sometimes would get up in the morning and take recycling out before I got up. I tried to be really supportive, offering to help him get some support, suggesting other things we could do in the evenings, offering to pick him up from work. He still drank every night and just started getting more annoyed that I kept going on about it, constantly telling me he was ‘fine’ and not concerned about his drinking. I worked out he was drinking 40-50 units a week. His work got more and more stressful and his mental health was really spiralling. One night back in October when he’d taken the car to work, he drove home and crashed into a curb, and my car was written off. He said he hadn’t drank over the limit but I don’t know if that’s true. He got home with the wheel hanging off telling me he wanted to die, it was traumatic.
He eventually just left his job in December, handed in his notice with no other job. I praised him for it because I couldn’t bare to see him suffering any more, he was so depressed and just wouldn’t stop drinking. I really thought things would get better and he would take a positive turn and stop drinking but that hasn’t happened. Now, I am starting to just feel really upset and angry at him because I now am starting to feel like he is just treating me so horribly and taking me for a mug. He now goes out for a ‘walk’ but comes back 5 hours later and has been drinking, even thought he says he has no money. I ask him when he say’s he going out walking, ‘are you going to have a drink?’ he says ‘no, I have no money’ but then comes back drunk. When he’s sober and I try and talk about it, he just gets annoyed and walks away. He is incapable of talking about anything.
At this point I just don’t know what else to do. I care about him and want to help and support him, and I have offered him so much sympathy and support but he has just ignored it. I am angry with him that he just keeps lying to me constantly and I feel like an absolute fool and feel like just leaving him. But now with lockdown and him having no job, I feel so guilty doing that and I even think if I told him it was over, he would just ignore me, or probably wouldn’t be able to move out for a couple of months. Not to mention how guilty I feel even thinking about leaving him when he has an addiction which is an illness, he has mental health issues and what would that make me if I just walk out on him and don’t support him.
Wow…that was a long story sorry! But it actually feels good to write it all down. I don’t know if this is helpful but maybe having some things in common we can chat about it and try and help each other.
Take Care x