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Like Dan says there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself you didn’t force him to use the stuff.
I can understand the heartbreak and depression, a lot of us have been there with our other halves. We have to get it through to ourselves that it isn’t down to us, we cannot stop them no matter what we do. There is no contest coke will win hands down every time. Lies are part of the course I’m afraid.
Look after yourself and your boys, try to distance yourself from him, his family the devastation it’s causing. Hopefully then the depression will eventually lift.
Keep strong, I wish you well.
My ‘husband’ used to sniff cocaine occasionally when we first met so it wasn’t a problem and of course I didn’t know the effects of the stuff. So doing it rarely had no affect on him and it didn’t affect our relationship.
Fast forward fourteen years. After a brush with the law he started to drink heavily and upped the amount of cocaine he was snorting. I think myself it was a daily occurrence up until his incarceration. He lied constantly about his sniffing saying he had the flu. He had no money to contribute to the household bills and stopped going to work regularly a year ago unbeknown to me. He also had credit card bills and was applying for more credit during this time.
Yesterday I went to visit his cousin. We talked about how he had changed not only toward me but to him. I told him that ‘husband’ had sworn on his dads life that he had not had cocaine for four years. Well cousin confirmed he was lying. They will lie and manipulate and ‘husband’ swore on his dads life because he knew that this would be believed by me in his warped cocaine addled brain.
I wish you well at this awful time.
Hi DNAnon, it’s great to hear from you. I am so glad that your son is doing well.
‘Husband’ is inside residing at hmp and I am now having to deal with his mistakes. It looks like I could lose everything I have worked for all these years. He has still got his head firmly stuck in the sand but at least he cannot get hold of the dreaded stuff. (Well I hope he can’t as what I have heard is nothing can not be gotten for a hefty price in there) Anger seems to be getting me through at the moment. I have my wobbles but I am soldiering on.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Don’t doubt yourself. My sister is an alcoholic and has said this before about her husband controlling her. Like you say, it’s when you say you are leaving if the drinking doesn’t stop. That’s what they mean as control. It isn’t of course.
My sister was abusive and violent to her husband and myself over many years. There was always an excuse to drink. Even though to a normal person there is no excuse to drink, you don’t have to justify it like an alcoholic does.
Well to cut a long story short, my brother in law had had enough abuse and violence and he made her leave the family home. She lost everything just because she wanted to drink. After losing everything I forced her to go to AA. She went and realised she was an alcoholic. She goes to meetings every week, has had a couple of relapses but on the whole she feels much better now. She has her life back, but AA has been the answer for her. Other organisations tried to help but were useless and that is coming from me.
I wish you both the very best.
Same in our village you can get it everywhere (cocaine in this instance) and In the next small town. When you go out most are using and don’t hide the fact. It’s the norm to them. Like you say they think I don’t know because I don’t use myself but my ‘husband’ has told me what his friends were up to (when he was in his once or twice max a year usage)
I would’t have understood before. Some friends of mine would’t I’m sure if they knew. But it does become like a disease not one that is caught or develops but one that is self inflicted through recreational use and to escape situations that life throws at us. Sometimes folk need an in-depth explanation because knowledge is good, it can happen to anyone.
Got in with the wrong crowd I’m afraid, drug wise. I’m lucky in a way we have no kids. I am a bit worried as you say you can get anything inside, there are so many corrupt folk in responsible positions. My eyes have been opened wide.
It is awful when you are being told it’s your fault they are using and not being supportive enough. It is not your fault, you didn’t make him and you are there supporting him now. But don’t wait for any credit, just know that you are doing all you can.
Hiding the truth from folk and putting a smile on your face just makes you anxious. Treading on egg shells too wondering what abuse is going to come your way. It is the cocaine talking though, not the nice bf he was before.
You are right, just a bit of bad luck, start drinking more often then join in with your friends that take all the time. It is mind altering. Going from a loving, wonderful husband in my case to an absolute arsehole.
But it is everywhere. You can’t go out without it being shoved under your nose. No one chooses the shit life that comes after the recreational use of this drug because that’s what it is seen as, recreational and is not addictive. If only they knew the consequences of some of our lives afterward.
‘Husband’ is still n prison, he was on remand and was sentenced to over four years on friday. He got a lesser sentence because of good character, own business and ‘married but a sensitive issue’. This is the only thing that has stopped his drinking and sniffing. How can I say this, that he’s in a better place. You know the history. But financially he’s left me in a mess.
Carly876 looks like you are doing the right thing by your children so that it doesn’t affect them any more than it is doing so now. Heartbreaking for you though not having your husband by your side.
It looks like the death of your husbands mum affected him more than he let on. Even though you took the weight off his shoulders, his friend probably offered him an escape through heroin.
I too tried to take some of the weight off my husbands shoulders when something happened in his life. But it didn’t work and he turned to alcohol and cocaine to take his mind off everything. He didn’t go to work and when I look back I enabled him by paying the bills and coping on the little amounts he gave me. I am now trying to keep afloat with the household bills and the debt he has left me in with his credit card and with his failing business because he is now detained at hmp.
He is your husband and you can’t detach, none of us can. But you are doing the right thing. Look after yourself in all this and hopefully your husband will return when he comes to his senses needing your help to finally get off the stuff.
Keep strong. I wish you well.
Daman really does deserve someone to support him. We only wish our husbands and boyfriends wanted the help like he does. He is a rarity though. We are always here to support him virtually but its not the same as anyone being there in body like a very close friend or gf.
UpwardSpiral you need to take care of yourself. It is hard when you love your oh and only want to help. Problem is they really don’t think it is a problem. It is a problem for us not them. He needs to want help himself. No amount of talking, arguing or reasoning will make any difference whats so ever. You are wasting your time and effort.
They are never in the right place when snorting cocaine. Bad decisions with work and money something they would never have done before the dreaded stuff behind abused.
Probably take a step back, look after yourself a bit more and see what happens. Don’t give him money to enable him. It is his choice to take it at the end of the day and his choice to stop it.
I may sound harsh but I really don’t want it to come over that way. I only want the best for you both without cocaine ruining your lives.
Are you still on the right track Dan?
Not a good trait to be fighting against with your problem Dan. Now I understand why you don’t receive support. Keep stronger than ever.
You can sleep when you go on holiday Dan. Get some wok done lol, and hopefully keep off the bad stuff.
What more can you do Georgia. You have done your best and he threw that in your face, blaming you for everything. Then he begs for your help.
Like B8988 says, the ex cannot be his excuse. He has to take responsibility for his own actions. Be good to yourself now.