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Another heartbreaking post. I’ve now made the decision to leave my son to it. It is breaking my heart. I am 62 now and have spent the last 25 years trying to get him clean and straight. Rehab (he quit twice), paid for numerous flat deposits, bought him food, clothes, furniture, mobiles. All sold or placed in hock for drugs money. My son begs outside High Street stores. He’s been in fully furnished flats and then sold the contents. He’s been in prison for stealing- the lust goes on and on. I spent years thinking I was helping him but I wasn’t, I was enabling him by freeing up his money for drugs when he relied on me for everything else.
He’s now been served with a notice to get out of his current flat by March 3rd. I know he expects me to have him live with us but that’s not going to happen. I can’t give anymore. I am exhausted and he has broken my heart. I love my son but I don’t love the life he chooses to live. HE has to make the decision to change himself. His failure is not my failure as a Mum. He has had every opportunity to embrace the help offered by professionals but still he carries on. I have to step back now. My love and best wishes go to all trying to deal with their child’s addiction. We live in our own personal Hell wondering where we went wrong but we haven’t gone wrong. We care. God Bless you all.
Hi MaryJayne, so sorry to read your story. Have you a close friend or family member you can talk to? Chances are others will have noticed you’re down and you do need someone close to share with. You are NOT to blame for your hubby’s drinking. He is making that choice for himself and you should not feel guilty. Has he admitted he has a problem or is he in denial? Do you have children? Do you work? You need to find a hobby/an outside interest. You have to live your life. Your husband needs to make the decision himself to get the help he needs. Stay strong. Try writing your husband a letter to explain how his drinking is worrying you and affecting you. Sending you a big hug.
Oh wow Ginger71 how dreadful for you. I’ve replied to Justamum so hopefully you’ll read my post & learn where I’m up to with my son. Hubby took me to Cumbria overnight this last weekend as he could see I was at breaking point. As I’ve mentioned I got home to find a note from my son asking for food & money, then I saw him tonight (all described in my post to Justamum). All the benefit of the fresh air & “away from it” vanished in a millisecond on seeing my son & the awful state he is in. More tears, more worry & despair. My heart is screaming at me to relent, let him move in etc but my head equally screams “No!” – he MUST help himself & stop relying on me & others to bail him out & keep lifting him up only for our hopes & dreams to come down with a crash when he returns to the one thing that is destroying him. I have this constant image of him now in my head. I can’t help but look at photos of him as a young boy – laughing, smiling, healthy & loving life. My heart will never be the same. I cannot stand the lies, the deceit, the false promises. It’s a rollercoaster of intensifying agony & I really can’t bear another moment. Tomorrow is another day, wearing my mask as so many others suffering have to do as their loved one presses “self destruct”. I am trying to stay strong but every minute that becomes harder. Hugs to all especially Danman83, Justamum, Ginger71 & all that have posted a reply to me. God Bless you all xxx
Hi Justamum
Ty for your post. Saw my son tonight. He had a black eye and from what I could gather a couple of broken ribs all inflicted I think by a dealer he owed money to. His key worker made an appointment for him to see his GP this pm but he didn’t go. The rehab offer is still on the table and once we have a confirmed date his sister says she’ll drive him (125 miles) but he does need to make a gesture & help with the petrol! My son is desperately thin as he is spending his benefits on drugs not food. I gave him a big meal tonight & he showered. My daughter (his sister) gave him clean bed linen too. He couldn’t remember the last time he had washed his clothes, bedding, cleaned his flat up etc. He has no gas or electricity & despite getting benefits twice a month (more than I earn over a month) every penny is spent on drugs! It sounds dreadful but I pray this is my son’s “rock bottom” & he decides to accept the rehab & follow it through. Hugs to everyone in pain because of the effects of a loved one’s addiction – sending love & good wishes to you Justamum & Ginger71 xxxxx
Hi Lancaster78 so sorry to hear of the hard time trying to cope with your son. Read Danman83’s posts. Despite his own demon he seems to be there for everyone that wants to share. He helped me enormously a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling low and helpless. My son appears to be in his “let’s stay clear of Mum” fortnights which will continue until he decides to stroll back into my home and as much as I love him he’ll want feeding, food & comforts until he disappears again for heaven knows how long. Back to the life he chooses of turning his back on his little family & returning to begging on the street for drugs money, not eating properly & spending every penny he gets in benefit & from begging on weed and crack. It’s been 24 years of riding drug abuse. He just doesn’t want to try & get better. Even his key worker has stopped relying to my texts now so obviously he has nothing positive to tell me. Stay strong. The addict makes the decision to use. Sending love.
Hi Lizzie, reading your posts is just like reading all about my own life! My 39 yr old son has a serious drug problem. He begs on the streets for drug money, he looks an absolute mess & when he came to see me a fortnight ago I barely recognised him. He floats in and out of my life, leaving me for weeks on end (longest time was 10 weeks) with no visits. He has lost so much weight. His life is drugs nothing or nobody else matters. He’s been in rehab but once “out” went straight back to the drugs. His once lovely flat is a disgusting hovel. He won’t engage with his little family or his key workers. There is an offer of rehab but only if he cuts his drug use down which he won’t do. He’s been in prison for street robbery for 12 months. He’s been attacked by dealers for not paying for his pay-ons. He’s heavily in debt. When he does visit it’s because he’s desperate for food. He pleads for money and cigarettes but I now refuse to enable him. I have to move on with my own life even though the worry for us intensifies daily and we dread ‘that’ knock on the door. I dearly love my son but I refuse to love the person he prefers to be and the life he prefers to live. I am 60 in November but I’ve taught myself to be strong and just pray daily he’ll one day make the choice to stop. At the moment I just see the whole situation ending in tragedy & utterly powerless to prevent it. Sending love to you. All on this forum are going through endless suffering and it’s horrible.
Oh Ginger you are so right. My son is 39 and a weed and crack addict. He’s spent 12 months in prison for robbery for drugs money, he’s been in rehab twice and relapsed. He begs in the town centre near to our home in front of passers by who know him and know his little family. My son looks disgusting. His flat (gorgeous when the rehab clinic set it up for him, fully furnished etc) is now a filthy hovel. I went inside a few months ago & felt physically sick at what I saw. He doesn’t look after himself and is skin and bone. He visits every now and again, has a shower and a meal and then leaves but not before asking for money and cigarettes which I refuse.
My husband (his step dad) and I have tried everything – bribery, pleading, shouting, lecturing. His natural father has disowned him and his older sister doesn’t want him anywhere near her 5 yr old, my darling grandson.
I will always love my son, I gave birth to him but I will not enable him and I detest the person he has become and the life he prefers to live. Drugs have claimed another prize. I pray one day he will say “enough” and change his life but I can’t put my own life on hold waiting for that day to come. Heartbreaking for the loved ones of all addicts but we must all try and stay strong. Sending love, x
Hi Karen, so sorry to hear about your son and the torment his addiction is causing you. My son is 39 and has a serious weed & crack problem and mental health issues. Read what Danman83 says. He is very wise and his words have helped me enormously. The addiction is my son’s not mine. As much as I love my son I must look after myself, my health and my welfare. As desperately hard as it is my son has to make the choices in his life. I wish you all the best. Stay strong. X
Ty Danman83. Hubby and I spent half of our honeymoon at the Lakes just over 19 years ago. If it still is as I remember it’s very tranquil and we’ll be staying by Lake Windermere with the swans! I just hope the area hasn’t been invaded by McDonalds! I’ll keep in touch.
Hi Danman83,
It’s Huddle here, just a quick post to let you know my son didn’t show tonight for his tea as he promised. But it is his benefits pay day so clearly his dealers have enjoyed the pleasure of his company (and money) rather than him choosing to visit his Mum. But you know I’m ok. He’ll visit when he wants to and I’m sure he’ll surface again soon. I haven’t heard from his care worker either so I’m assuming he’s not been able to engage with my son to persuade him to cut back so the date can be set for his rehab. The rehab centre won’t wait forever not when there are so many other deserving souls who are willing to do what it takes to get clean. My son obviously doesn’t feel ready.
My husband has booked an overnight break at the Lakes for us both at the end of this month. A lovely caring thought and I am soo looking forward to it. I can only leave it to my son now to sort himself out and I have (finally) decided I cannot put my own life on hold while my son decides when and if to change his life for the better.
Thank you Rev for your kind words. My son’s addiction has affected me deeply. As I’m soon to be 60 my main fear is who will be there for my son when I’m not? My health has suffered and my confidence. I used to think I could deal with anything life threw at me but this has licked me. I’m so so tired of the worry, the stress and, up until joining this forum, the total isolation of being a mother to a drug addict. Since my mum died 3 years ago the role of family matriarch has fallen on my shoulders. My husband is retired and has heart and arthritis/chronic rheumatism and I have to work full time to support us as he only receives the state pension. I’ve lost count of the days where I wish I could stay in bed and shut it all off but you can’t shut your mind off or the images of tragedy. All this happens whilst my son is happily getting high/stoned. Oh how I hate drugs and what they do to the user and the loved ones in the background struggling to come to terms with it all.
I’ve decided I must try and live for me. I cannot change my son’s way of thinking or the life he prefers to live (for now). I will continue with Adfam because mixed in with all the pain and suffering others are enduring there are glimmers of hope and success and they are worth their weight in gold in terms of inspiration and feelings of happiness for those succeeding in battling and winning.
Hi Danman83,
The question “how did it start?” for my son is one I can’t answer. He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time in the company of the wrong people. Unfortunately my son had always been one of life’s followers never a leader. Easily persuaded, easy to manipulate & coerce. I’ve always tried my best to teach him to be his own person, to stay out of trouble and when the need arises say “no” but unlike his sister he has always got himself into scrapes right from being a little boy. His sister has always been a little more guarded with her life and she has a strong sense of what’s right or wrong. My son hasn’t. Very easily led and from what I know it started with the one spliff and has escalated every since. My son is at his happiest when all is right with his world. A slight hiccup and he ‘escapes’ into his drug fuelled haze and each time its dragged him lower and lower into the pits of his addiction which causes more ripples and problems (debt, unpaid rent, move after move to different flats etc). He cannot sustain or rather doesn’t feel inclined to do a job. He has pursued so many new hobbies and interests only to become disinterested. There is no longevity with anything he does as he swings from one awful situation to the next. He’s had a full medical team and his little family there to help him. He had readily accepted that help only to turn and give ‘the finger’ to us all and carry on. His drug support team tried, his rehab professionals (so far) have tried but still he carries on, refusing to engage and returning to the bosom of his dealers and his drug fuelled existence. And that’s it in a nutshell, an existence. I find it difficult to understand how any addict could want this rather than screaming out “no more!” but I’ve got to the stage where I know he’s got to reach the decision himself to stop and to embrace the help that’s being offered. So sadly more and more doors are closing and I fear for his future and his very life. Appealing to my local MP achieved his placement at a top rated North West clinic last year and as I’ve mentioned before once he went through detox, counselling etc he looked wonderful 2 months later. Happy, smiling, lucid, chatty. I had my son back! Only 2 weeks after release ( having been set up with a furnished flat and a support network) he relapsed with an almighty BANG! Wow the fall back into his life of drugs was rapid. He refused to go to his support network, CPN, family, everyone. Last Christmas he disappeared for 10 days over the holiday. I don’t know to this day where he was. I was inconsolable. I rang everyone who knew him, hospitals, police, the prisons even the mortuary at one point. Eventually he put a note through our door saying he was sorry but he had relapsed badly. His latest absence lasted 2.5 months without contact until he surfaced again the other week.
If I could I’ve have him sectioned under the Mental Health Act but he’s (a) an independent adult and (b) doesn’t present as being ‘ill’ enough (more brilliant play acting by my son when the need arises).
I would love for him to be in long term residential care – safe, fed, away from drugs and suppliers but that’s never going to happen. He doesn’t self harm and seems to just about eat enough to sustain himself but little else. He has slipped the net and has become another sad statistic. The help is there but he has to show commitment to change and be sincere with that commitment not just use rehab as a “holiday” from his days using. Others talk of reaching “rock bottom” before seeking the help he needs. I think he has more than reached that stage but this desperately sad and tragic life is still preferable to him. So I wait and hope and pray. I can do no more but to always be there (after so many others have deserted him) for him.
Oh how I feel your pain but as much as you may not want to hear it I think you should leave for the sake of your own sanity and your beautiful daughter. Poor little thing. She must be so confused at the way her daddy acts. From what you have told everyone here there is so much suffering under your roof and so much pain. Sounds like your partner is really in denial and is blaming you for his alcoholism. Only he can break the cycle. As others have said so what if he has to go to his Mums. No one would blame you for trying, if only for a while, to regain your strength & care for yourself and your little girl. I know it won’t be easy but a break is what you need and who knows maybe losing his home “safety net” may be the jolt your partner needs to face up to his drinking problem which, judging from his “consumption list” is excessive and must be causing harm to his health and not least to the family finances.
I would suggest you talk to your family, a good friend, to us on this forum to get the support you need at this incredibly difficult time. You must take some action for the sake of you and your daughter. He is making his own decisions to carry on drinking. It is not your fault although he persists in shifting the blame to you. Please read and soak up all the love and advice from this forum. Stay strong. Sending hugs.