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I’m from the Wirral. My son is supposed to be calling to see me for tea today but as it is also his benefits day he might not come as pay day is ‘party day’ when all his money goes on more drugs. I have tried to help him with his finances. Not enabling but asking him to make sure he pays his bills, gets food, do his washing and then and only then use the balance for his supply if he must. He will nod and say “I will Mum” but never does so all his money is spent on benefits day then it’s back to the street begging to sustain him until his next payment and on and on it goes. My husband (his stepdad) doesn’t trust him an inch and watches him like a hawk when he visits as we do have a lot of lovely (and saleable) things that we have both worked hard for throughout our 19 year marriage. He had last year climbed through an open window whilst hubby was out briefly walking our late dog to retrieve £20 he’d left on our mantelpiece to mind for him as he said he “Couldn’t wait for one of us to come back home”. I was amazed and relieved one of the neighbours didn’t spot him and call the police as he would have been straight back in prison. That was another experience I never want repeating. It was dreadful seeing him in there and again knowing that the money we were sending him was being used to buy spice rather than for essentials at the ‘tuck shop’. A few months ago after briefly reconciling his birth dad took the high ground and said he’d sort him out “no problem” and took him to the shops. He paid for a new smartphone, clothes, household electrical items etc etc etc then went home confident that he’d “turned our son around” and achieved what I, his Mum, couldn’t. Needless to say the sellable items went within hours & I don’t think he ever got round to charging the new mobile phone let along use it! Of course his father has now disowned him so that’s another person he’s alienated. When (hopefully) I’ll see him later my heart will lurch again and I know I’ll end up pleading with him again to just stop and try and think what he’s doing to himself and his quality of life. He’ll say (as he always does) “I know Mum” and will then (after a meal and shower) leave and return to the life he prefers to live. I will wash his dishes, go to bed, get little sleep then rise again to go to work & slip on my “smiley” mask hiding my ‘other life’ from colleagues and clients.

My joy this week will come from seeing my beloved grandson on Thursday for tea. His unconditional love, smiles, giggles & hugs for his Nanna keeps me going and gives me a burst of continued strength to deal with my sadness. His Mum and I hardly mention my son when we are near him (grandson) and it’s not right but what else can we do?

I was adopted at 2 yrs of age and my late parents gave me a fabulous childhood and moulded me & gave me inner strength & fortitude to deal with most problems in life. I am a survivor but the situation with my son has beaten me into the ground and I get so angry sometimes because I can’t fix it and make his pain go away when I feel I should as his Mum. But the addiction is stronger than I, more cunning, more devious and unrelenting with its grip on my boy. I’ll let you know how it goes later. Thanks again for reading. I have just re-read this and it sounds very self pitying so I’m sorry got that.

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Hi Danman83,

Thanks for your post. Yes I do agree with you in a way about dealers. They are providing a service to addicts but I so wish they were really hard to find when in fact the opposite is true in my area. No my son doesn’t have any children or a partner. It’s such a shame because before the drugs he was very handsome – blond with a flashing smile & pure white teeth. To see him now you’d hardly believe it was the same person. No self esteem, slovenly, unkempt, and his once gorgeous teeth are discoloured. His skin looks ashen and when he walks he shuffles along like an old man, all hunched and crest fallen. He’s tall – 6’ 5” and there was a time when he strode our, tall and proud but not now. My grandson started ‘proper’ primary school today after completing his reception year last year. My daughter told me it was so emotional seeing her boy looking smart & growing up so fast. Sadly I was at work so missed it but she’s taken photos. When we finished chatting on the phone I broke down in floods of tears as the memories of my ‘little’ (now 39) boy looking just as smart and proud all those years ago in his uniform. So much hope and ambition for him all blown apart by damned drugs. I would be so happy if he would just make the tiny step of saying to himself “not as much today” and draw on every ounce of strength to do what is asked if him to have another chance of rehab. It’s just too hard for him and there are days when I could throttle him for his lack of willpower. I know for addicts others see only black or white – you choose to do or you choose not to do. But it’s complex and I’m sure my son has convinced himself it’s not worth trying if he’s going to relapse again. He always looks so sad. I could perhaps understand more if I could see using makes him silly or giggly or playful but using only seems to add to his feelings of depression and helplessness. I’m trying to learn as much as I can but I’m at a loss to understand it all. Thank you again for reading my all too frequent rants but like so many others I really don’t have anyone to share my burden with.

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Hi and thank you once more. My son has an older sister but even with her own Honours University Degree in Psychology she cannot understand her brother’s choices. She has tried to talk to him and he nods in agreement to the support & advice she gives him but it’s just lip service as he just returns to his lifestyle of choice. We are all going around in circles and she’s so worried about me she’s forever telling me to look after myself and let her brother get on with it. She has no faith in her brother’s commitment to change. I am happy that his late Nanna isn’t alive anyway to see how low her grandson has sank to. She died suddenly at her home 3 years ago (I found her as I did my Dad 38 years ago). She doted on him and it would have broken her heart if she had seen him begging down town as we have done. The police do their best to arrest and raid dealers but there are always others to step into their shoes. Drugs are now well rooted into our society so it’s such a relief to know there is the help for families and loved ones of the addicts. Take care. X

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Hi Danman83, my son uses cannabis and crack. He’s also taken spice. When he was in prison for 12 months (he robbed an old man of £10 for drugs) he was introduced to spice. He had one bad ‘mix’ and collapsed. The medics had to ‘paddle him’ to bring him alive and the prison authorities didn’t even tell me. I went ballistic with the Governor and told him the prison must keep the inmate’s family fully informed. They say the families of most inmates don’t care but I can’t and won’t believe that to be true. Thank you again. X

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Ty again Retroheadz. I have felt a lot calmer today after reading all the wonderful posts you and others have sent me. I think the penny is finally dropping that I must not feel responsible for the life choices my son is making. As others have said this is his misery, his journey. I have my own journey to make even if it means we don’t walk the path through life together as Mum and son. I just spend hours wondering where I went wrong and was it something I said or did that drive him into the clutches of local drug users/dealers. I try not to think about it too much as that’s self destructive for me. My son seems to thrive on playing the victim & refuses to accept any responsibility for how rubbish his life has become. I am so so tired with the worry, the stress and feeling fearful practically every day. I smile and laugh with my 5 yr old grandson but because he’s too young to understand and my work colleagues obviously don’t know it’s like living a double life. I’ve become the consummate actress at hiding the pain of it all but I am determined to stay strong and pray that one day soon my true son will take back control of his life and return to his little family. Thank you again for your wise words. X

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Oh Kristi how awful for you. Bet you are feeling as though someone has kicked you in the guts! If you can be sure he’s committed to quitting then stay with him & offer support. Sadly addicts say to loved ones the words they want to hear & make false promises. Why not write him a letter to explain how YOU feel and how concerned you are about him. A 9 yr relationship shouldn’t be thrown aside easily but it’s all down to him to seek the help he needs and prove to himself & you he can quit. Stay strong. Hugs

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Thank you so much Retroheadz. I have only been using this forum a couple of days and already I have received so many kind words from others whose lives and family have been affected by their loved one(s) using drugs. So much of what you’ve told me applies to my son. Although he’s been diagnosed already with bipolar, anxiety & depression, taking the drugs has intensified those pre existing symptoms. He has stolen for drugs money which landed him in prison where he was introduced to spice and attacked. He’s been in two rehabs, the last late last year. After 2 months he looked wonderful and I felt I had my son back. On release he lasted 2 weeks before he was back on the drugs and now it’s worse than ever. He’s sold practically all he owbs for cash for drugs. He begs on the streets, has sold items from his flat (which are the landlord’s). His older sister has had enough and fears for her child, my grandson, seeing him like this. His stepdad can’t deal with it and his birth dad has disowned him. I do feel for him that he is alone apart from his dealers who milk him for every penny. He has a depo injection every month. He’s been homeless (my husband won’t have him live with us) and I fear that’ll happen as he is in so much debt. Financially I can’t help him. I dread the phone ringing or a knock on the door. He has a chance of rehab quite a distance away but he has got to show commitment and reduce his use. I pleaded with him today to try, not for me but for himself. This is my baby and my heart is broken. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m sorry for the rambling post but I’m speaking from my soul. Sending love to you for your wise words. X

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Hi I am so happy for you that you’ve turned your life around. There are so many posting here tales of desperation, sadness and feelings of helplessness as their loved ones sink lower and lower into the grip of their addiction. Your story gives me so much hope that one day my true son will return to his Mum (me) his stepdad (his real father has disowned him), his sister her partner & his little nephew. I pray daily that he’ll ‘get it’ one day & decide to take the tiny steps to get back into rehab. Everything is just too much for him now. He’s lost his self esteem & sense of worth. He thinks his dealers are his friends (of course they’re not), he doesn’t care that people who see him begging on the streets know of me and his family. He doesn’t look after his appearance and just lies and lies and lies. I am trying to keep strong, smile during my work day to colleagues who have no idea of my private Hell & try and sleep more than 4 hours a night. Addiction is cruel and consumes the addict and their loved ones. Thank Heavens for Adfam. A way to vent your sadness, problems & the overwhelming feelings of isolation. I know I am not alone and success stories like yours fill me with hope. Thank you for sharing. Bless you. X

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Oh my word Mazza your daughter is really putting herself and you and your family through the wringer! Your son is so kind offering to look after her while you have your holiday which you must take. Maybe he can talk to her and encourage her to talk to him. Sometimes siblings connect easier. So far you have done so much but she must want to get better. You can’t force her to seek help but be there when she decides she needs the professional help. So heartbreaking for you. Take care & I hope things are better for you all soon. Sending love. X

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Hi just been reading the posts between you Jules and Centralscot & so many others today. Ooh it makes me so sad and angry the vile way any addiction sucks in both the addict and their loved ones, family etc. The irony is that while the addict is “zoning” out on their distance of choice we, the loved ones, the family, parents etc have to try and keep themselves sane and strong. I get the feeling of desensitisation. I am so fed up pleading with my son, going over the same old things time and time again. Listening to his false promises, being so full of hope only to see him relapse time and time again. I’ve told him I’m not getting any younger and now can’t and won’t put my own life on hold while he decides when he is going to do what he has to do to ‘qualify’ for yet another rehab. Follow the advice from all on this forum. Stay strong, look after you. Hugs x

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Hi I’ve been reading your posts and the wise words of support you have received from Danman83, You must think of yourself and your beautiful baby. Only your bf can make the choice to seek the help he so desperate needs. It’s heartbreaking because he is well aware he’ll soon be a Dad but that’s still not enough for him. That’s the power of addiction. My own 39 yr old son visited out of the blue today wanting food cigs and money. I gave him a meal but refused the other. He is still begging on the streets for drug money even though he gets more in benefits than I do and I work full time. He admits to crack and weed. Every addict is someone’s baby. Look after you and your baby. Sounds like you have a good support network. Try not to worry and stress but I know it’s easier said than done. Please take care.

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First of all can I say how sorry I am for your loss. Now you are trying to deal with the emotional stress of knowing both your son and his partner are addicts. Your grandchildren are away from you. Do you get to see them? Remember grandparents can get advice on seeing their grandchildren. As for your son and partner please please don’t give them money and enable their habit. They have got to want to get help and treatment. They know of your loss but still they come to you. You must find the strength to say no. It’s heartbreaking but try & spend time with your friends, speak to the authorities about seeing your grandchildren and remember the lies and deceit from the lips of your own son and partner is because of their addiction. Stay strong.X

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The lying cheating and deception is all part of the addiction. Do not enable your partner. Only he can make the decision to stop. Make sure you stay strong and take care of yourself. You don’t say whether your partner lives with you. Ask him whether he wants to stop and maybe go to his GP with him. It’s important that you look after yourself. Only he can make the choice to stop. Keep using this forum, we all understand the pain and heartache you are going through. X

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If you feel you do have a future with this man then go for it but I would advise you to take things slowly. Sadly he will need to ‘prove’ to you that he has turned his life around but, as much I am sure you love him, it will take time for him to regain your trust. His family are being a little unfair. I was unaware of the level my son had sank to with his drug taking. Addicts are particularly clever in hiding their addiction and lies, deceit and camouflage become an easy exercise as the addiction takes a grip. Addicts always hurt the ones they love. I wish you both every happiness for the future. X

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Oh bless you. My son puts my emotions through the wringer. One minute I just want to hug him and the other take a baseball bat to him for all the hurt, worry, stress etc he is putting his family through. I love my son very very much – I just don’t love the person he prefers to be or the life he prefers to live. You sound positive. Look after you and your adorable children. He will have to answer to them and their questions before too long. XXXX

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