[hw12]

I completely agree with you. When i found out about his addiction i threw him out of my home, it was the hardest thing i have ever done. He hit absolute rock bottom he was sleeping in an abandoned car.

I knew i had to let him, he needed to know i wouldnt stand for this. It killed me.

But it worked.

Until now. I dont know how much i can take, i feel a fool to myself if i keep giving him any more chances. I cant let his problems drag me down anymore than they already have. It so sad really x

[hw12]

Hi Kkkost,

Thank you, i think thats the problem im having at the moment. I dont know how much more i can give, im already going through counselling from everything that’s happened as a result of the addiction, the lies and deceit are something im still struggling to deal with and it just seems its one hurdle after another. I l know this has to come from him. He’s adamant that the tests arent right and hes not touched anything, but how am I supposed to believe that. I wont get sucked back into it all again, at the start of this around xmas when i found out he was using £100 a day i had completely lost who i was i was so low. I wont risk going back there

[hw12]

Thank you dot.

I think iv just hit a low point i felt like we were really getting somewhere and now it feels like we are back to square one. Its so frustrating because the reason i don’t believe him is because of his lies and its just going round in a circle.

[hw12]

Thank you for replying. You are right.

I ignored my gut before and i swore to myself i would never ignore my instincts again.

He had the opportunity to get more tests the morning after to prove to me but he made a half arsed effort and never produced any. If that was me, and i knew i wasnt lying i would be making sure i was going to prove myself right! Think hes lying to himself to be honest. Im gutted because how much can one person take, i love him but it makes me question what im even getting from the relationship any more.

[hw12]

Hi dot, I remember you as well.

I havent been on here in a while, you were doing amazing last time i was on here so i hope you are well.

He’s still adamant these tests aren’t right, but im in no position to believe anything he says right now.

Hes done over 12 weeks clean until these recent tests, hes having counselling 3 times a week and doing well. I just wish if he has relapsed he deals with it before it spirals

[hw12]

Thank you everyone. I posted this last week.

This week after the weekend, i tested him again.

There were 2 positive tests, then i did one straight after (i dont use any drugs at all) and mine was obviously negative.

Im not sure where to go from here.

He swears its the tests. And was quite angry and upset saying why would i volunteer to do them if i had used etc.

He said he was going to go and buy more tests, and didnt come back with any. And it all seems swept under the carpet now and i have no answers. I cant believe what he says because hes told too many lies to cover it up in the past.

Thanks for all your advice every one, it really helps talking to people who understand.

[hw12]

Hi plainjane.

I was also new to this forum a few months ago and it has been huge support to me speaking to other people who understand as i was in the same situation as you and couldn’t speak to any friends or family. I was at a point where i didn’t know where to turn.

I have children myself and knew very little about drugs before things unfolded. I knew my partner had taken cocaine socially, but i thought it was all in the past and he promised me he was clean. I told him then how i felt about it. Anyway fast forward a few months and its ruined everything. He was actually an addict and has been for 16 years, i had no idea for which i feel absolutely stupid for. I ignore my instincts. He too would complain about hayfever, even got medication from dr for it. The drug turns them into very clever liars. Hes now very honest and open with me but has lost everything, i made him move out.

I really hope you put yourself and your children first in such a difficult situation for you all, because im afraid when they are using it doesnt seem to get better only worse.

Take care

[hw12]

Im sorry to hear this drug is affecting your family too. I asked my partner to leave as i knew if he stayed it would have enabled him to continue this lifestyle. I can relate to you and many will on the lies and betrayal thats a huge part of it. My partner lied about anything and everything when he was using, but as a person he is honest and kind. If your partner isnt admitting anything it doesnt sound like hes ready to do anything about it? Which must be frustrating for you.

[hw12]

Wow well done for staying strong. My partner has been using cocaine for 16 years. I only wish he could be saying hes 12 years clean, not sure its even possible when we are just in these early stages.

I hope he finds the strength you have.

[hw12]

Thank you thats good to know. I will tell him about this. How long have you been clean if you dont mind me asking?

[hw12]

Yes i think he would be willing to try everything, he’s desperate to change he knows it’s ruined his life. I feel like im supporting him as much as i can but i dont want it to go back to enabling. Its so hard where to draw the line when you care.

[hw12]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I feel like i have had to break things off because it would have continued enabling to live this lifestyle, hes lost everything which is horrible to do to him but iv had to. Its been incredibly hard when i do love him. Hes really trying his best and has been more honest and open than hes ever been with me. Told me everything even stuff difficult to hear.

He is doing well, but what worries me is there are going to be times when hes not and then what. I told him i wont be in a relationship with him how he was. And i worry hes doing this for me even though iv told him it needs to be for him.

The drs werent very helpful and only offered to higher the dose of his antidepressants. The only support i have is coming on here to speak to people my family all hate him, they don’t understand and think they are just protecting me. And iv lost most friends because of how our relationship was, he became jealous and controlling.

[hw12]

Hi louise,

I first found out before xmas last year and at this point had no idea how bad it was. He went to therapy a few times, went to drs and was on antidepressants and seemed to do well for a bit. Recently found out he managed a month and hes battled with this for 16 years!!! He was back on it in feb and apparently addicted more than ever before, using most days and using alot. Which explained everything i had been ignoring, even when id asked him he lied and lied. Last friday i had to kick him out of the family home which has killed me. Im heartbroken but hes never going to do anything about this, unless he realises. Anyway just before he went he admitted everything and spoke honestly about it all. And has since told me how sorry he is and cant believe how he has treated me. Hes so upset with himself. I just hope he can do it this time its robbed his whole life. X

[hw12]

Hi i have just come across this and can completely relate. I asked my partner to move out last friday. He told me in December he was clean now and then after ignoring my gut i found out he has been using since feb almost £100 a day. Hes in such a bad place but has admitted everything and it trying to get help, i feel bad because i have kicked him out of the family home so he is even more vulnerable now. But if he stayed i would have just been continuing to enable it. I too feel like im grieving for the loving man he was, i really feel for you its heart breaking it really is. I am here for anyone who needs a chat, this forum at times has been the only place i can really let things out.

[hw12]

Hi shan thank you for your kind message. I asked him to leave so i can focus on my children and thats the only thing thats getting me through this. I will still be there for him because i know i cant turn my back on him completely i care too much. I just need to protect my own mental wellbeing at the moment because some damage has been done x

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