[hw12]

Can i ask you kel at what point did you decide enough was enough and walk away. I have days where i think he can be a family man and he just needs some support and we can get through it. And then he will lie and something or be sneaky on the phone or accuse me of something and then it reminds me that actually he is still that person.

Thank you for what you said in your last post, it is something i needed to hear.

[hw12]

I really feel for you. I came on this sight because I haven’t got anyone i can speak to about it, if i speak to family they wouldn’t understand and obviously want to protect me. I have found it a comfort talking to people who understand.

If im honest im not dealing with it very well, my partner did go to some drug counselling but only went to 3 sessions and lied about going and then eventually stopped going. I dont think he is using now but i cant say 100% hes isn’t because of all the lies he has told me.

He is a different man to the one i first met, he hit a very low point and things did turn around a bit after that but im so full of anger and upset towards him because hes ruined what we had and broke my trust. I cant see our relationship lasting because its not and never will be how it was before this mess. Im thinking of you, i know how horrible it is x

[hw12]

I cant really offer any advice because im in the same situation myself and dont really know what to do. I got engaged a year ago and found out that my partner had been a cocaine addict all along. He has told so many lies and owes alot of money to drug dealers.

Hope you are ok x

[hw12]

Hi i can relate to your story i found out my partner has been using cocaine since we met, i had no idea. He had been going out to his van on our drive doing it then coming back in the house. But looking back with the information i know now the signs were there.

I completely understand what you mean about the lies, the lies have tore our relationship apart more than the drug use. He too suffers with depression and used the drugs to escape that. He used to spend days in bed, he was snappy, paranoid, just not a nice person to he around. He is on antidepressants now, and was seeing a drug counsellor but only went 3 times and then he made excuses not to go. He says hes been clean since xmas but i cant 100% believe him with all the lies hes told in the past especially regarding money. Hes so sneaky.

He has made some improvements, but because of everything i have just lost all respect, theres no trust and i feel angry towards him for spoiling what we had. I can completely understand where you are coming from. Its made me check his wallet and his pockets, seeing if theres anything to find. Im a trusting person but hes changed everything.

[hw12]

Your such a kind person for taking your time to message me. Thank you again. Take care x

[hw12]

I cant thank you enough for your advice today. I did speak with someone briefly on we are with you earlier which was really good and will definitely use that again. I have let more out today than in the past 6 months just worrying in my own head. So for that alone i feel better and more in control.

Hes like a monster in disguise because when hes not like this hes amazing like you said about jekyll and hyde. It’s exactly that.

You do get fed up knowing which one your going to get.

I have just spoken with my sister and she turned up at my door, obviously couldnt come in because of social distancing but im hopeful i can build bridges.

Are you always on this forum?

[hw12]

You talk so much sense about it all, i havent been able to make any sense in my head for months. I keep questioning myself and thinking is it me? Dont know where things went so wrong. Since i found out it has just been a downward spiral.

[hw12]

Everything you say is just exactly how it is.

I feel like i have been ignoring my instincts, so many things have alarmed me and iv ignored them thinking everything will be ok and its just a blip. But it is constant. And whenever i address anything he turns things round on to me. He has friends that come to the house at least 3 times a week. In the whole year hes lived here not once has any of them ever been in. I dont know them. They drive outside and then go. He says they came to tell him something they dont like talking on the phone.

[hw12]

I dont know how you have coped through that it must have been tough.

Your are exactly right, i do keep thinking of good times and the night he proposed to me. My birthday last year. They were the best times.

My birthday this year was last week, i went to bed at 9pm crying because he wasnt being very nice. He criticises my parenting but had little to do with his own children something that i have only ever tried to encourage more of. He says i do too much for my children. They aways have and always will be my life and they come before anyone, including myself! I take pride in the fact i have raised my kids mostly alone and always been there for them. Not lately but before he has said some absolutely awful things. Things normal people wouldn’t even think about.

[hw12]

I know. Writing it down in front of me and reading it back to myself, it sounds ridiculous. Cant believe all this mess is happening when things were so different. I feel like hes 2 people does that sound daft?

Going forward, hes going to have to find somewhere to live.

Hes not close with his family. I have never met his dad but i think they fell out because he owed him money. He’s convinced im cheating on him and that i dont want to be with him physically because im doing it with someone else. He doesnt understand that hes made things how they are he thinks its me.

He knows deep down im not like that, think its to make him feel better rather than admit hes the problem.

[hw12]

Hes a plumber and gets a good wage. He doesn’t provide for my children he might buy them the odd treat usually out of guilt for staying in bed! He doesnt have any proper bills i have no idea where his money is going he’s secretive about everything. I just spoke with his mum and hes been borrowing money from her but she knows nothing about his drug use. She thinks hes borrowed it for bills

[hw12]

If im honest with myself i know i cant accept this for me or my children. My kids love him but hes not setting a good example when he cant drag himself out of bed.

When i have just questioned him about that money hes just taken from me he just got defensive and said he lent it to someone. I don’t believe a word of what he says so that on its own is not a basis for a good relationship is it.

[hw12]

As i write this to you. He had just asked to borrow £20 to go to the shop, came back with nothing.

I asked him where the money was he said in my wallet when i asked him to show me he said he was lying and spent it on scratch cards. I said where are they. He said he was lying again and gave the money to a friend and wouldnt say why and walked off.

I cant ask him till later because the kids are around and i dont want conflict in front of them. Unbelievable

[hw12]

I can relate to absolutely everything you are saying to me, and i know what your saying is right. Im mad at myself for not packing his bags, but then another part of me wants him to be the man i know he can be.

You said it made you angry and swear at him etc. And thats what im like, and done all of those things. I check his wallet and listen when hes on the phone.

I would have never ever done those things before. I was so kind to him and would have done anything for him, had respect for him. I wouldnt have agreed to marry him if had seen what he was like when using. He was the same as you said. Agressive, so so paranoid about what i was up to and who with, wanted explanations for everything. Then after he would like so snappy and sometimes that anxious he would pick all the skin on his face till it bled.

I know there is only me that can do something about it. I have already emotionally withdrawn from him and we havent been having a physical relationship i think thats me putting my barriers up. He just thinks the problem now is me and that i should just get over it.

[hw12]

I cant thank you enough for your support and advice. Its been a relief just to speak to someone who understands, and know thats its not just me thinking these things.

I just dont know how he would be using when we are in isolation at the moment, but then again i didnt know when he was getting up off the sofa next to me and ‘fetching something from his van’ then coming back in. Which is what he did!

I dont know anything any more!

How have you managed to distance yourself from it?

The hardest part for me is not knowing whats true and whats lies.

And knowing hes done that and come back to the family home. He may well say its in the past now (we are only talking December) but for me its not in the past at all. If im being honest with myself is the first time iv said it but i dont want to settle for things like this. I feel like hes not the person i met. And hes making me into a person i dont want to be.

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