[j1981]

Thank you for your kind words, it certainly is a life nome of us want or would ever welcome and it’s all very sad…I’m meeting my friend for a coffee and walk near my home just to vent and get some air…it’s the first time I’ve been outside for weeks x

He has had no contact with the boys since Wednesday and last seen his mother on Thursday evening…we may have to file a missing persons if he doesn’t contact his mother soon, but I do believe this is part of the manipulation that I’ve been used to for many years and that he is possibly doing it to make others worry….well at least I hope that’s it I wouldn’t wish anything bad to happen to him as I do still love him we just cannot continue this dark path x

[j1981]

Thank you for your kind words…I think he trying to scare me and his mother further he has made no contact for two days with his mother…I’ve got him blocked on everything. But I imagine he will be somewhere on a binge…I don’t know x

[j1981]

I dropped the charges in January and took him back a month later, he seemed to have changed but started slipping again…I’m now fearful following that night and don’t take any chances and then a few weeks ago we had drinks and he smashed the house up which is why he was in a caravan renting only for a week the lockdown happened and the site was closed so he was staying on the couch for the last two weeks but I wasn’t happy with him coming and going all night and day as he pleased so I asked him to leave and he did and never argued which I thought was good. Then for fears of his well-being I checked if he has logged into his emails as I’ve blocked him on social media and things…he emailed me two days ago to say he didn’t feel well and needed help, he has since seen his mam. I haven’t responded. But I found the private investigator emails suspecting I’m cheating again, god it’s the furthest thing in my mind I feel exhausted, a little scared as your right it’s not him when he is on this drug x

I’m meeting a friend tomorrow and will discuss with her, I don’t want to worry my family and don’t want people hating him….I’m just in a weird place now x

[j1981]

So I’m saddened further I asked him to leave the sofa three nights ago, which he did and did not argue, I’ve found that he also seems to believe that I’m unfaithful (he has accused me multiple times over the years) believe me that’s not how I am…I’m loyal and faithful …always have been anyway long story short he hasn’t made contact with his mum since yesterday, I checked to see if he has accessed his emails for work etc…he has been in touch with a private investigator so clearly he is still suspicious and paranoid. I’m genuinely getting scared now, he has no access to my home, I have the keys, I’ve blocked him on everything (which is hard as I do care, but he is not the same person) I don’t care about investigators as I have never done a thing wrong it’s just the paranoia resulted in police input in January after he physically assaulted me and I’m scared that with crack rage he doesn’t know what he is doing. I don’t know what to do x

[j1981]

I’m sorry my lovely, it is sad it’s a loss I feel I’m mourning st the minute…he is still sleeping on the couch at minute but using this as a stop off after his binges. It’s not a healthy atmosphere for me or kids, he sleeps downstairs I stay upstairs…he still using he is slipping in peonal care and work it’s soul destroying….one day he too will get caught driving, using and drinking

I knew nothing about how they used this stuff till I read about it and found the evidence it’s scary a innocent pen can be username in such a way x

I’m anti drug always have been never tried anything and don’t see the point… I really hope your ok and stay strong, he will still contact you as it’s a form of control, they become paranoid, controlling and selfish on this drug xx stay strong

[j1981]

I’m glad he is trying for your family my lovely and I truly hope that he seeks help and continues in this path…please stay safe and thank you for sharing, anytime you need to chat we are here xx

[j1981]

Deffo it’s with them….we cannot take responsibility, we have al, tried to support them in many ways with no success, like someone said in here the drug always wins….and that literally is proving the case unfortunately. I lived for many year living a lie thinking it was me, that’s why he went out all time till all hours, the death of his friend several years ago etc…multiple things had me question mr, he seen me on sick leave and medicated for depression and anxiety and still did not tell me what he was up to. I had to find the evidence in his vehicle. Never did I think he lauds use such a drug, I’m anti drug always have been, I’m so ashamed and mortified by it all it’s not something I would expect from him…he buys coke and washes it up himself, I found spoons, bicarbonate and water bottles with pens …honestly it’s really opened my eyes…how naive I have been…the empty promises, the times he has offered to change then a few weeks later relapses…I’m so tired of it all. So glad we can speak here as family don’t understand and I’m trying to hide what he has been taken from the kids but their not stupid x

You don’t have the problem my lovely….it them, we did nothing wrong xxx

[j1981]

I absolutely feel for all your saying it is so familiar hun xx

Stay strong…. there will be light at the end of the tunnel for us all.

My cousin was attacked very savagely by her partner a few years ago and it turned out he was using crack she hadn’t been with him long but he controlled, manipulate her and was paranoid…it seems it is a trait of this horrid drug.

Take care, I know it’s hard I have taken him back several times just over the last year, but I can’t do it any longer it’s killing me spiritually and changing me as a person xx

[j1981]

That’s so true ….. it really does change a person. We have now separated however he still lives here he went to a caravan for. A few days but then lockdown happened again and the site closed down, so he is here he has been out Friday and again Sunday and walked in at 8 this morning just using the house as a place to nap and eat the day after it’s so hard for me And the boys, I feel stuck he won’t get help, he says he will but never does he is so in denial I’m fearful I will find him dead or he will eventually hurt me as he can’t temper what he does when under influence of drink or drugs. It is scary. I have family to speak to which is good but they don’t fully understand and get frustrated about it all….but it’s hard we have a lot of history, it makes me sad now cos I know there is no going back, I’ve tried and it’s failed and things are getting worse, sometimes you can’t help people and walking away may help him or may cause him to fall further but I can’t be responsible for that…not to sound selfish I have to think about me and the boys x

I’m hoping he finds a new home soon I really don’t want to find him dead on the sofa…but it feels like that’s how things will end if he keeps going…he is spending copious amounts and was grey this morning when he eventually walked in and obv did not go to work again!

[j1981]

I’m sorry to hear that your going through this, it’s so hard when you love them and have history but they are not the same person when under the influence. I too have suffered the nights of paranoia, him standing in corners o bedroom at night walking me to ask me stupid questions. Or looking at cctv and accusing me of moving the angles as I must have people in the home when he is not here…or when working nurse duties at night that I was cheating …I even changed my job to day hours to benefit us…nothing seems to work. I’ve been with him since we were 13 we have three beautiful children and he admits he does it when he is happy or when he is sad that there is not reasoning for it ….this just makes me sad …it was the final straw last week when he smashed the house up. He is now waiting for a rental property which I’m hoping happens soon, but I told him he needs to seek help…because I am clearly not able to help him as he relapses all the time x

I really hope your ok and if need to chat I’m head to listen xx

[j1981]

Thank you xx

[j1981]

Thank you I really hope things work out for you and your partner I really do….I’ve tried so hard these last months but it’s never ending, he can be so good for a while then slips. I know drinking is associated with it and makes him weak, we have decided to separate it makes me sad as I love him but I know it’s the best thing to do as things aren’t going to change in our situation and it’s impacting on all of us in a negative way x

He is out now….I know he is using again, multiple lighters, different ones daily, or gas gone from them. It’s sad that I can’t help him with no amount of words or love x

[j1981]

As above xxx

[j1981]

Hi @Outofideas

Everything you Sha resonates with me, I’m so anti drug and I’m a nurse which makes it worse as I see the effects following misuse if substance and what it can lead too..

.he knows this and says that why he hid it for so long. But he is always making excuses ..going for drive, washing his van or car then disappears for hours, he cut ties with his friends but now he does it alone in his vehicle god knows where at …I think he goes on the back roads out of the way but he loses hours. He is aggressive when craving it, he is faking happiness without it, when he is happy or sad he uses and says he just feels like it and there is no reasoning, he feels bad after but at the time he does not care and like you say he flips the fck it switch x

Our boys are older but all at home and I don’t want them seeing him like this and living this life, it’s affecting their education and they don’t want to spend Halloween or anything with him due to his actions.

I’m so sorry your having such a horrid time too …it just breaks your heart when you have tried but when do we say enough is enough….I find me thinking do I need this, want this, do I love him anymore? He has done so many things and told so many lies I feel I’m starting to despise him. The paranoia is insane also and I’m certain he has suffered from some hallucinations and psychosis due to this drug use x

Hope you take care … you need to think about you and your little one, how many more broken promises can we take…my partner has a heart of gold and when it’s good it is great but he is like a jacyl and Hyde and I don’t know who I’m going to get …this makes me anxious xx

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