[jacs]

Hi OMG I could have wrote you message please please please believe me you are not alone im exactly the same I know it doesn’t help much but I carnt help coz I carnt help myself I have tried everything nothing stops me when I get craving even though I know all the vile negatives about what Im doing or about to there are NO positives anymore and with a horrible comedown that can never be avoided getting worse unbearable torture for hours and hours you would think that would stop you. I’m 53 been using cocaine since 1 was about 25 nearly 30 years on and off for months even a year I didn’t i could stop whenever I wanted it didn’t really rule and control me then it was fun. I omitted to myself two years ago I had a problem about 3 times aweek but £200 every time when I tried to stop it got worse I couldn’t in those two years get passed 10 days and that was only couple of times I wanted every 3 days I know you will relate to this the day after a binge and comedown you think and tell yourself I’m never doing that to myself anymore and if not next day definitely day after you do it all again

The self loath disgust and guilt you felt days before not enough to stop the same pattern of stupid vile childish behaviour happening again I tried AA meetings hypnosis changing phone number started swimming nothing stopped me that’s how I went for two years had really horrible until something happened that I never thought would I went on another level and started taking everyday when I woke up first thing I did got to point so I could function I new was in trouble but just couldn’t stop I think the perfection excuse was if I did it in daytime when my boyfriend and 21 year old son weren’t home then stop about when they got in so they would not know ???????????????? stupid thinking of a coke head i look alright ???? even though I was shaking and leg doing weird things (that use to be funny) this went on for 3 months until two weeks ago I’ve got it back to 3 times a week

Unbelievable I’m not Sick doing that amount I deserve to be.

Even knowing I on the edge of loosing everything and my self respect I still cannot stop this thing is controling my life daily and always that vile shite wins help

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