[jajoso]

James.. thank you so much for your reply. I am really really trying to change my way of thinking. I am so full of anger and hate towards him, life and myself. I feel cheated, let down and bitter. I feel all those things because of the way someone treated me.. but I hate myself more for allowing it.
I knew at times I was being manipulated and lied too.. but I was so weak and pathetic that I just took it. He would wear me down.. I was tired and exhausted. he would speak to me like shit and inside I would be raging but I never spoke up. Even now I am too scared to let him know how his action have effected me.
I find myself crying because I am so ashamed of letting someone treat me this way. I have daughters and I found out they’d been treated this way I’d kill the person.. but yet when it came down to me I just stood there like a fool and took it every time.
I have no one outside this group I can turn to because I am so ashamed of myself. I never told anyone why we split up and I get comments like how could I have let go of such a top bloke.. and I still sit there like an idiot and say nothing!

What is wrong with me!!

 

 

 

[jajoso]

Did you ever love me?
Was anything you said true?
Was I an easy target, someone you could easily use and manipulate?
Did you laugh behind my back when I believed all your lies?
Did you care when you cheated?
Why was I not enough?

You’ve left me half the women I was when I met you, I have no confidence, no trust in anyone, I’m negative, I feel worthless, I feel pathetic, I feel stupid, I am tired, I am angry, I feel used, I feel weak, I hate myself,  I hate the world, I hate my life, I hate you!

 

 

[jajoso]

Thank you so much.. I know what I need to do. It’s just going to be hard doing it because it feels like I’m being selfish xx

[jajoso]

Hi Paw,

Thank you for your reply. I think I have decided to take a step back, it helps we do not live together and I’ve said we can spend one night/day at the weekend together. And take it from there.

I can’t and won’t babysit him during the week, I will crack on with my own life, find new hobbies and take time out for myself. My thinking is he has to dig deep and learn to avoid his triggers. If he really wants to be clean he can do it. Nothing I do or say can change what happens. I am going to give him space and try to detach myself from him.
His moods and behaviour have effected me for a long time. If he is happy I am happy etc.. I’m not giving him that power anymore. I want to try and detach myself from him and learn to love myself. I’ve realised I’ve lost myself a lot over the years we have been together 🙁

[jajoso]

It breaks my heart to read how he blames you for him using. Of course you are going to be negative.. how can you remain positive when he lets you down all the time. He is deflecting because he is in denial and it’s easier to blame you rather than himself. But deep down he knows!

At least my partner doesn’t blame me. But I am still in the same position as you. Loving an addict who puts drugs before us.

I’m constantly looking for evidence and asking questions because I can’t help myself. It’s like I want to break my own heart by finding proof he is still using or asking him a question knowing the truth and listening to him lie to my face.
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[jajoso]

I came back here to look for stories from your point of view. It’s 3am and I am wide awake worried sick about my partner, who I don’t live with.
He told me several weeks ago how bad his addiction was and that he was going to stop. We have been on and off for several years and got back together about 10 months ago. I thought he had stopped and to be told his addiction was worse than ever a few weeks ago, hit me hard. I couldn’t believe how stupid and naive I had been the whole time.

He said he hasn’t touched the stuff for weeks. But I know he has, he lies to my face. He did the same tonight which has made me feel like shit. I’ve been crying all night. I feel worthless, stupid, and like a fool.
I try to understand from his point of view but it’s killing me inside. I know he is addicted and cannot help himself. I try to be supportive but how can I when he is in denial.  I doubt everything he says to me because he lies so much. He goes AWOL most evenings.. I suspect there are other women.
I wish I could leave him but I can’t. I love him but loving him is killing me. I’m not the same women.. most days I hate myself for being so weak. I know I deserve better. I feel so worthless and wonder why I think this relationship is the best I think I can get or deserve. You can’t help who you love and the heart wants what it wants… my brain tells me to leave and never look back.
I just wish I was enough and he could stop.. but deep down I know he won’t/can’t.. I’m scared the longer I stay with him the more damaged I will be. People have already started to notice the difference and I can’t keep pretending I am ok and happy when deep down I am so miserable and feel so stupid and worthless.

THINICE22 pls pls do not put your partner through the same things I am going through.. pls get help, reach out, talk to people. You never know your partner may just stick by you and support you! But you have to want to change.. I pray to god every night my partner would be able to do the same xx

 

 

 

 

[jajoso]

Thank you for replying.

One of the reasons he gave for taking it was being able to keep up with everyone else and having the confidence to socialise and fit in. He actually said he felt peer pressured into doing it!

I hope he gets help because morally taking drugs doesn’t sit right with me and I can’t have a boyfriend who does this.. but my worry is he will just get better at hiding it from me. Which he has done for the last 3 yrs and I was completely clueless. I’ve since found out he has been open to friends about his drug use and when I was confiding in friends and they told me they knew I was shocked. Them assumed I knew too and was ok with it.. because they are accepting of their partners doing drugs occasionally and actually don’t think it’s a problem.

Some made me feel like I was making an issue out of something that I shouldn’t have an issue with! x

[jajoso]

Thank you for replying. We do not live together, he is very keen for us to move in but I don’t feel ready and not ready to give up my flat or share it.

He said he only used it occasionally when everyone around him would be taking it.. I then deal with the after effects. The come downs, tiredness and him being horrible. Never did I once think it was drugs.. I believed these effects were from a night on the drink!

I have said I will give him a chance to get clean and I’ve been reading up more about addition. I just think he may get better at hiding it from me rather than getting clean x

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