[Jenna321]

Hi Guys,

We are on holiday at the moment and I’ve been wanting to use this time to have some open chats with him about the addiction, just 20 minute a day whilst we don’t have work / day to say life getting in the way and basically don’t have any excuse to shy away from it.

He told me yesterday he thinks it started in 2018 which I must admit is longer than I expected, however as my question was ‘when did it take control of you?’ In the same breath he told me he thinks he is in control of it. Which causes two reactions (1) total anger (2) sends me back into this feeling of, am I over exaggerating the whole thing? – I know rationally though the answer to nr 2 is that I’m not.

He’s promised he is going to start telling me when he has the urge to take it and stop lying about it but I can’t believe him as I’ve had years of lies (even longer than I’d realised) and I’m so angry, I feel like @bythesea21 and can’t help but think I’m just becoming so resentful of the situation, can it ever really work? @bythesea21 have you started to see an improvement to the relationship? If he’s been off it since August and you’re still feeling this way what is making you dread leaving – is the task of breaking up your life together or actually losing him… both are hard but the second is the only reason I think I could justify staying (though I know im contradicting myself saying this to you!! So easily said, much harder to do). Alternatively, maybe you could try couples therapy as a last chance to reconnect and build the trust back up? You’re not pathetic for wanting to stay, at the end of the day, we could never have imagined we would need to contest with this as one of the challenges in our relationship – talk about a bloody steep learning curve! Make sure you’re looking after yourself, and be selfish day to day – what makes you happy? make sure you keep joy in your life and don’t let him consume you.

@fayzey, how is your relationship now? Thanks for being honest about what you would have done looking back – it’s useful to hear people’s honest opinions. I’ve started asking myself hard questions and at the moment the honest truth is i don’t want kids because I don’t want them with him.. which is strange to say as 2 months ago I was feeling so broody and thinking about getting pregnant and the next stage of our life. I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation as if we have kids I’m 80% sure I’d be saying what you have about looking back and walking away but if I don’t, I’m just going to resent him forever for taking that opportunity away from me. I know I’m putting to much responsibility on him by saying that as I can leave tomorrow if I so choose but he married me, selling a lie and that’s not fair… emotions are all over the place, going back and forth constantly!!

It has taken me by surprise at how much I can relate to others on here and although it’s crappy for it to need to exist Let’s keep talking and support each other through all this rubbish. X

 

 

[Jenna321]

Hi Kulstar,

thank you for your posts. As a new member to this, reading them has filled me with hope and it is so useful to hear your story as, like you, my husband is a good man just gripped by this horrible addiction.

You have mentioned your wife a number of times in your post and she sounds like an incredible, strong woman. I’m wondering if you can give any advice on how she has supported you through the process? I have read up on needing to be positive and trying to encourage your partner… but as you can imagine it is so hard. Your story sounds similar to my husband’s and I think his addiction really took a hold of him during the pandemic.

He has many typical symptoms of bloody tissues around the house / a whole in his nose (which for a long time he wouldn’t recognise was connected to the drug abuse) / not coming to bed at night (we rarely sleep in the same room anymore) / days of exhaustion where he can’t get up / eating takeaways non stop and trying to hide the evidence in the outside bin / disregard for personal hygiene.

However, recently he sought help (in the last 3 months) and has been seeing a therapist but not consistently – so he seems to recognises he has a problem and appears to want to make the change but can’t quite get there – he used on Christmas Day when we visited his family as I found messages from a dealer on his phone and he’s used again this weekend after getting bad news about his job.

He’s always been a proud man, works hard with a good job but in the last couple of years it’s been getting more and more out of control.  Looking back I’ve been enabling it as I initially didn’t consider drug use and when I did was in denial that he could actually be an addict.

Is there any advice you can give on how, as a spouse, I can help him.. the do’s and don’ts I guess? I want to sort it NOW and know there’s no quick fix but I need to talk about it. He has told me in the last couple of day his therapist has tasked him to tell me when he is thinking about using as it will break his cycle of lying.  He’s only told me this though because I asked him if he took coke this weekend and said no, but I found a baggie so he had no choice but to then come clean.

I’m quite scared that more is going to come out of the woodwork of what he has actually been getting up to, now that my eyes are open and I can trust myself more and my instincts but that’s anxiety for another day!

Any advice and thoughts are much appreciated.

All the best to you – stay strong, you’ve got this! X

[Jenna321]

Thanks for your reply. I have been talking to a therapist who encouraged me to reach out to support groups and focus on taking care of myself.. it’s just hard to know what that actually means… I like to be in control and so this is my worst nightmare because I can’t be in control of it. i go back and forth between.. ‘yes we can do this it will just take time’ to ‘if I need to leave, do it sooner rather than later as I’m just wasting my life’. There is no magic ball to look into the future but I just desperately want to know if we can get through it.

He has taken the first step to get therapy (I have been trying to encourage it for a longtime) and it really started to make a positive impact but when the going has got tough he’s stepped away from it and not going consistently every week – however he has managed to do it so that’s the first step right? He has a family history with addiction as his mum is an alcoholic so I think as he has started to need to delve in that a bit more he’s now running away from it.

I’ve read some positive stories but the most on here seem to be people going through years and years of pain and relapses and I just don’t want to be messaging on here in 10 years time with 2 kids thinking ‘I literally knew this would happen, it’s my own fault’. 🙁

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