[joebloggs]

I feel compelled to reply to you after reading your post because I can relate to parts of your story. I also had a partner who was my rock and I did try my very best not to lose her. I have been using drugs on and off for the past 17 years. If I was not using I was drinking alcohol heavily. I met my ex wife when I was 3 months clean. I managed to find myself a decent job and thought I was on the right track. Slowly but surely my past crept up with me and I started using drugs again. At first, it was just on the weekends. Before I knew it, it became an all out, full blown addiction again. I was trapped and I couldn’t get out. I wanted to stop, but after a year or so of using on a daily basis I no longer knew how to live sober. I loved her so much and I needed her in my life but I could not break free from my addiction. She was the only positive thing I had in my life. The whole time we were together she tried everything to get me clean. She helped me find psychiatrists, support groups and looked at various organisations that could help me. Every time I tried to get clean she put all her faith and hope into it. She truly believed I would one day conquer my addiction. I tried everything but they all ultimately failed with varying degrees of success. After 7 years together, not only did I lose the only woman that I ever truly loved but I also lost access to my two beautiful children. The relationship ended 5 years ago and they now live abroad. I have not had any contact with my children for 14 months. I have tried my hardest to get in contact with them but my ex got so tired of my using she lost all trust and hope in me ever getting clean. She is afraid that I will form a bond with my children while clean and I will end up breaking their little hearts once I relapse. It will crush them. She wants the best for them. I can understand her decision to keep them out of my life, at least until I have stayed clean for a substantial period of time. It isn’t easy. I miss them so much. I have cried myself to sleep some nights. Like you, I just did not know how to stop. I had to re assess everything after losing my children. The drugs and alcohol started to lose their affect. No matter what I put into my system I could no longer block out the pain of losing my family. I do feel this time round that I will stay clean. I have had enough of the drugs and I have accepted that I was powerless over them. I had no control over them at any point in time. The drugs controlled my every action, and as long as I was using, I allowed them to. They have taken almost everything that ever meant anything to me. It is just a shame that my realisation came too late. I do wish you all the best and I hope you do stop before it is too late. You are doing really well with 9 days abstinent. Have you looked at different fellowships like Narcotics Anonymous?

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