[joemily]

I’ve been in your situation minus the pregnancy. My boyfriend is an addict. He used to say he just took it socially etc and that he’d stop when we got together, long story short I found out he was an addict a few months into our relationship. Dealing with it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I think I’ve reached the end and I’m going to leave but it’s so hard. I really sympathise with what you’re going through and all I can say is you need to put yourself and your baby first, addicts are selfish and he needs to really want to give up and get help, nothing you say or do will make him make that decision I’m afraid. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Keep chatting on here, the support is great x

[joemily]

Yeah it’s sad because I’m the same, I always wanted kids before I was 30 and now who knows… I know a baby definitely wouldn’t fix things.

My friends thankfully don’t really do it so I don’t have that problem with them, it’s more that if they knew the extent they’d want me to leave and hate him. His friends definitely think I’m neurotic and controlling though but tbh I gave up caring what they think, they’re not great people.

He did give up alcohol for a while and I didn’t do it around him when he did that. He’s now agreed to give it up again so I won’t do it around him. He has deleted Facebook today. He’s also putting me in control of his finances.

Yeah it’s awful the things he does..

Yeah he gets really angry and down after he’s done it it’s horrible. When I was talking to him when he’d done it last night he just looked broken and it’s so hard to deal with it xxx

[joemily]

Yep me too! I had no idea and same as you just thought it was work stressing him out! We’ve been arguing a lot, I feel like I should have seen it now!!

I’m also 26 and no we don’t have kids but I was hoping we’d be in a position to start thinking about it in the next year but that doesn’t seem likely at the moment 🙁 we’ve been together for nearly a year but friends for longer.

Yeah I agree, the amount of times he’s left me stranded or whatever whilst on it when he’d never do that sober… it’s horrible and I know it’s more common than you think but I just struggle to talk to anyone because understandably my friends don’t want to see me being treated like this and will urge me to leave.. xxx

[joemily]

Ah okay – you can try looking on families anonymous too, they have lots of meetings all over the country 🙂

Yes well I think my partner also knows that I can’t keep doing this so I think he has understood that this is the last time.

What you say about noting the signs is interesting because he has been truly horrible this week, I hadn’t even realised that that’s a sign they’re going to relapse!

Yeah same here, I’ve never even tried smoking or any drugs so I really don’t understand but I try to…

Honestly don’t blame yourself or think you’re naive, I’ve done all of that but realistically you want to believe it and also unless you’ve been in the situation how can you really understand it? Xxx

[joemily]

Hi Georgia

Thanks for your message, it really helps to know I’m not alone!

It’s horrible isn’t it because realistically you know the advice you would give a friend would be to walk but actually doing it is so hard. I don’t want to leave him, I love him and for me it’s not even the relapsing that gets me the most because I know that will happen. It’s what happens when he relapses that’s the major problem – for instance locking me out of the house etc. He can’t do that now as his dad sawed through the chain to let me in but god sometimes I just think is this really my life? And it’s scary.

He promised me that he wants to do it for him and I told him that this is his last chance because I can’t keep doing this. I’m not expecting a miracle and if he relapses then fine I accept it’s likely to happen, it’s more that if he’s not going to engage with everything like meetings etc then I’m not putting myself through it anymore because why should I break myself to help him if he’s not willing to help himself?

I hope you’re doing okay and things get easier for you. Have you ever tried going to a meeting? I know families anonymous have them but there aren’t any near to me unfortunately or I would have tried it xxx

[joemily]

Honestly no I couldn’t tell before but I’m starting to recognise the signs now.. he’s also (I think) started to tell me afterwards when he’s done it, he doesn’t try and cover up anymore. It’s just so difficult because if he’d been honest with me yesterday I would have gone home with him and helped him!

[joemily]

He didn’t say a lot. I asked him if he 100% wants to give up because if he doesn’t and he’s only doing it for me then there’s no point and it’s not gonna work. I tried to understand why he did it and he couldn’t tell me. He said he really wants to give up so I suggested he deletes all social media, stops seeing his friends at least for now because they all do it and puts me in charge of his finances. He agreed to it all but I said he has to want it because there’s no point otherwise, if he’s gonna be going behind my back to get money etc then there’s no point and he said no he wants to do it and he thinks not having access to his money will help so we will see

[joemily]

okay so firstly he has admitted that he has a problem which is the first step but he needs to get help, unless he does something about it nothing will change. he also has to want something to change which maybe at this point he doesn’t.

I know you think moving in with him is the answer and then you can help him etc but believe me it’s unlikely to work like that. You cannot stop him unless he wants to stop and honestly if I’d known what I know now I would never have moved in with my partner because it’s extremely difficult. I really would stay where you are for now, you have to look after yourself too and living with him will be very tough. Moving away will not change anything, yes he might be away from the people he drinks with but he will find a way to drink anyway believe me, unless he wants to stop he’s not going to.

At the moment it seems he is making excuses not to stop but you are also making excuses for him and that means you are enabling him whether you mean to or not. Enabling can be emotional as well as physical and I may sound harsh here, I don’t mean to but I wish someone had told me this when I first got into this. I enabled my partner by making constant excuses for him and just letting him get away with awful things and now I’ve made my bed, I love him and I want to help him but quite frankly I had enough and I told him either he started going to meetings etc and helping himself or I was done and at this point I mean it because it’s so so hard.

Him speaking to you like that is unacceptable, whether he was drunk or not is NOT an excuse and don’t let it be one. Yes you need to speak to him about it and tell him you will not put up with him being hurtful like that to you, ask him if he meant what he said, chances are he didn’t and he was just reacting to other things but it’s not okay to put you through that and he needs to be told.

It’s not too much information and that’s what we’re here for to support, I understand, I do have friends but I still can’t talk to them because I don’t think they’ll understand.

Honestly at the moment yes I think you are enabling him but, and I cannot stress this enough, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is the one drinking and he is responsible for his own actions. I have been there, wondering if it’s me putting too much stress on him etc etc but the fact remains they are responsible for what they are doing, you are not. Don’t let him or anyone make you feel like you are to blame.

You need to sit him down (when he is sober) and speak frankly to him, tell him enough is enough and you cannot live like this. I know it’s hard and you’re scared to lose him but being in a relationship like you are isn’t making you happy so it seems you don’t have a lot to lose by being honest with him. Good luck and do come back and talk whenever you need to. There is also another site called Families Anonymous which is good that you may wish to check out, they have meetings across the Country also so you can meet other families of addicts which may or may not be helpful for you x

[joemily]

IAPT are good! And in terms of private counselling, another woman in this forum said her partner goes to actual addiction counselling, have you tried googling that?

She may be the stronger one and people say that about me but I’ve really struggled with all of this and haven’t wanted to say that to my partner in case it puts more stress on him and causes him to relapse.. maybe just let her know that there is help out there should you need it 🙂

Sounds like you’re doing all of the right things so keep it up! Also try looking for groups in your area such as Narcotics anonymous, they are really helping my partner!

[joemily]

And hopefully the socks will help x

[joemily]

That’s fair enough – you could pop into a pharmacy and just ask for advice from a pharmacist – then nothing would be recorded! Yeah maybe try and keep cutting down slowly 🙂

[joemily]

Also I would speak to his mum if you feel able to.. tell her that you are worried and you don’t think he should be drinking, she may not realise how bad it is or may be burying her head in the sand about it, few mothers want to admit their child has a problem unfortunately. My mother in law is exactly the same, she won’t buy him cocaine obviously and told him last time if he did it again she didn’t want to know him BUT she will not admit that he has a problem and needs help..

[joemily]

Firstly you do not sound controlling at all and don’t let anyone (or him) make you feel like you are. You care about him and recognise that there is a problem. Has he admitted that he has a problem or does he just think it’s all fine?

I ask because when I first met my partner I knew he dabbled in cocaine but that’s all I thought it was and he told me he would give up when we got together. However he was doing it behind my back for a long time and I had no idea, I then found out and he said he would stop, fast forward a month and I found out he hadn’t stopped at all at which point he admitted he was an addict and couldn’t stop. His friends all seem to do it and despite me telling them they need to not do it around him and stop asking him to do it they haven’t so in the end he has blocked a few people and just won’t see them now (as far as I know).. the problem is he has to admit that he needs help himself and make these decisions himself. Until he does he won’t stop. Ultimately there is nothing that you can do unless he wants to stop.

I think sit him down and tell him straight that this is very difficult for you and you love and care about him but you can’t live like this, speak honestly and tell him how much of an effect it has on you because I think half the time they don’t actually realise. I’m not a professional obviously and there are people that you can speak to that can give you professional advice but as a fellow partner of an addict I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support. Please come on here and chat whenever you need to because it’s so important that you look after yourself x

[joemily]

Hi there 🙂 well done for admitting you need help, it’s a big step. I don’t know where you are in the country but when I needed counselling I just googled nhs counselling in my area and self referred that way 🙂 that is what most GPs will tell you to do these days!

I am not an addict but my partner is so whilst I don’t personally understand it I’m living it from the other side so feel free to message whenever you need to. I would also urge your girlfriend to get on this site (or another) and reach out because chances are things will be very difficult for her! I have found this site to be a lifeline when I felt so alone with it all. There are other charities etc that will help her also if she needs it, her support will be important for you so it’s important she makes sure that she is supported too.

Chin up and keep doing what you’re doing – you’re doing really well. X

[joemily]

Hi Pussycat, firstly well done! That’s a big step and you should be proud of yourself. No advice per se but have you tried speaking to a doctor/pharmacist as they should be able to help you out with what could work? 🙂

[Author]

Posts