[katien]

Thank you both for your comments. I can see similarities and it’s definitely nice to know I am not alone even though it definitely feels like it sometimes.

I’m in my late 30s. We both are professionals and he is very good at his job. We met about 12 years ago and have been in a relationship for 9, with a daughter in primary. My other daughter and step child are in college, we met as we both had children of the same age and both had been in a previous relationship. However his daughter no longer sees him and just says what he has put her through, even though she and I got on a fine when she was visiting.

His ex wife had issues with him and they don’t have a good relationship. She also said he was an alcoholic but he managed it well for at least 3 years before I noticed there was any issue and thought she was just resentful as to be honest she is a bit strange. Never worked a day in her life and relies on everyone else to do everything for her. Hr tells me he did everything and she was controlling.

I am very independent and very different to her, I have brought my daughter up by myself and own my own property and her father has nothing do do with her so finding a role model and a future with this man I thought was great, for my child and me. I thought we were both the people in our previous relationship that gave and never got anything in return.

However he is quite controlling rather than giving and drinks himself to either sleep or in conditions I despise.

If I leave him and get out of his way it generally means I’m just living alone anyway.

I say to myself I could live without him and if I did I would not get into another relationship at least until my girls and independent. So if I’m not going to be with anyone else then maybe I can just cope with this until my youngest is at an age she can make her own views known if there was a need. He is very convincing and people love him but they don’t know what it’s like once he drinks.

I sometimes think maybe he will kill himself with the way he drinks it cant be healthy and his memory suffers. I’m told him mother who died from dementia early also had an alcohol problem.

I could not have our current lifestyle now without him as he provides all the extras.

He is very clever and seems like the perfect dad on the outside and loves to talk about everything he does and people say how wonderful to have such a great man and he tells me this also.

He is perfectly nice during the day, says sorry in the morning, gets me a coffee and is externally helpful. He helps around and asks what he can do around the house and is a good cook. He is controlling about his food so thats the reason he wants to take lead here.

However he can’t control his drinking and can be mentally abusive.

He put a hole in the wall once and then denied doing it. He will admit he has an issue with it with me one moment and the next he has no problem and does not know what I’m talking about.

I will tell him when I’m not happy about it much to my detriment but I don’t want to condone it.

His work colleagues and our friends know he can’t handle drink but just think it’s funny.

Last night he stank of alcohol so much I could not sleep in the bedroom. He lies about what he drinks and often he just goes to sleep early and then I feel like at least I can have a nice evening.

He is very regimented (was in the forces actually when younger and been with many women but never wanted commitment for a long time) and continues to try and dictate to everyone, but I don’t allow him which causes conflict. Example he decided to cook dinner and then called saying to was ready whilst I was in the middle of sorting the cat. I was less than a minute and he shouted so loud at me in front of the children. I said don’t talk to me like that. He said I need to respect him making my meals and be thankful. I said I am and I do but it is going to cause a problem I am perfectly capable. He does not like it but I don’t stand it either.

He is used to getting everything he wants. He now wants a sports car this is the latest thing. He already has three cars and other than paying for food does not contribute to the household bills as has his own else where he pays for. This is another problem as I feel it’s like his own palace separate from our family.

I live within my means and it’s like I’m single with a part time partner who is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

If I had to choose my life he would not be in it right now. I loved the man I fell in love with which was more a story he painted and I can still see potential there but he likes his drink more than us ultimately.

I am not scared of him unless he is being physical. He has pushed me on the sofa every time I have tried to walk away from his shouting and pinned me to the bed once but the mental side is worse.

Swearing me all the time and accusing me of all sorts and then he wakes and and has no clue.

I sometimes hope he will leave us.

It have thought about what you have said and I do agree what kind of life is this. I think to myself that I only have to stay on this for at least the ten years and I will still be in my 40s and maybe he will change back. In the meantime I can ensure I continue to be independent and improve my career and distract myself with hobbies. He is adamant we need to get married this year and I have already said I’m not sure but he knows how important marriage is to me.

It’s hard and some days I am fine but on those days we’re everything feels like your walking through treacle it’s tough.

X

[katien]

Can I ask how this has effected your children? I only ask as I am not leaving to protect my children as whilst it’s under our roof I can control the impact on them. I would not be able to of I left and he got contact as he is a great person during the day, and one of them is till young? I do the same, pre occupy myself. I am developing my career in the meantime and ensuring the children’s lives.

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