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Hey, Daydream how you doing?
Hey Daydream how you doing?
Hey Lou, I’m sorry you’re in this situation and of course you feel heartbroken, having being betrayed over and over again is no picnic and will in no doubt affect you deeply. Cocaine is the road to ruin, so many families/relationships ruined by this awful drug! In my experience this drug literally changes people, and they turn into the worse versions of themselves – monsters. Unfortunately, it’s all about them and that substance! He is way down that rabbit hole at the moment by the sounds of it and my advice right now is to focus on YOU and your little one! No good will come out of you trying to work him out or understand his behaviours. He simply is in the midst of active addiction which means he is thinking only of himself and his perceived need for this drug. He really does need to help himself and he can by reaching out to local drug services/CA or other forms of support! It’s really his decision to change – unfortunately this can take a long time! I remember someone telling me that it could take years for someone to start to recover from this drug, which upset me! Well, my ex partner of 22years is still using and we separated over one year – he is still living the same crappy life of drugs/girls and all the chaos that comes with that crap. I hear he is in debt -lots of it. I literally had a breakdown while I was in the chaos, and it very nearly killed me so please take care of yourself! We have two girls together and my ex has not seen them for over one year. He was once a good man and dad, but now he has completely changed.
As for the cheating, just because he takes this drug doesn’t excuse his behavior and choices. He is fully aware of what he is doing and so please don’t listen to all that noice about him being”horny” etc – that’s just disrespectful! The bottom line is that he is choosing to take the drug knowing full well what it can lead too but he still carries on regardless! You are worth so much more than this. I stayed and tried to understand and work through things which lead to be breaking down. My advice is focus on you now, get some support Adfam and Al anon are good support. Speak to family and friends and try to understand that by you focussing on him will bring you down. The best way to help yourself is to let him get on with it and you start to heal yourself the best way you can.
Big hugs and take care.
“one day at a time” and when that don’t work “one hour at a time” or even a minute. Set the goal lower because when we feel this way we need to be much more aware of the expectations we put on ourselves. So right now, it’s ok you feel this way, however hold on for another hour and get thru this time. Whenever you look further than an hour or day and you can’t cope come back to this method. Then congrat yourself for making it. Small goals such as making a nice meal at the end of the day – get outdoors also – long walks helped me when I was distressed.
You can do this, and it’s ok to cry it’s actually healing. You’re are healing and healing doesn’t have to look pretty. Be around people your safe with and be nice to you.
I have a heavy heart reading this. I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that one day you will find some peace. Life can be very cruel at times, and I understand the feeling of having enough of lifes stressors – that’s way to much to deal with. I can imagine what you felt was fear and terror. It’s traumatizing to say the least so of course you’re sitting in a dark place, who wouldn’t be. You are a very brave person to reach out and help your granddaughter, especially with you carrying so much pain around. Hold onto her and each other. I would imagine you all need to grieve as a family for your daughter, so I wonder if that could be something you might consider. Maybe family support groups for grieving relatives.
Alcohol never really takes the pain away, it makes it so much worse, I only wish people would understand that.
I’m here if ever you need to talk.
Take good care of yourself.
She sounds like she has lost all control of herself, which will affect her thinking/ decision making. If she is this entrenched then it would be harder for her to want to stop drinking and get the help she needs.
This must be really hard to live with, and I so get the feelings of “embarrassment” and the hidden relationship. It’s awful and no way to live. We merely exist this way and grow in resentment.
In the end I left, I had too and you can too. I lost myself, and I’m still finding myself. 22 years stuck in addiction will do that to a person. It’s so bloody hard.
Although, I’m sad, lost, lonely and hurt – so so hurt, I do have no more lies, no more embarrassment, no more cheating and all the rest of it.
Al Anon is a good place for support for yourself. As for your wife, she needs to want to get the help and she may never! It’s the acceptance of that that hurts the most – probably because we aren’t chosen and the addiction wins. Rejection is awful. So don’t reject yourself.
Sounds like she desperately needs help, and I would please urge you never to ignore someone who is suicidal regardless of whether you consider the threat to be just that. It’s usually the people that make the threat that carry it out because it is on their mind alot.
Does she have a dual diagnosis worker in the community? What drugs is she taking? Where is she living at the moment?
I can imagine that you’re at the end of your tether and that the anger is helping you to cope, however there really is no way to detach from this because she is your daughter.
You can access support from here and Al Anon, also practice lots of self care for YOU.
Police can do welfare checks if you’re worried but also can assess her mental health by a doctor at the station. Please don’t think because she makes threats she wouldn’t carry it out. In her own way she is suffering immensely.
We’re all here for you and it’s good to connect with others that have shared experiences.
Addiction is so destructive you’ve got that right, I very nearly destroyed myself allowing the situation to continue for so long.
Night times are challenging and mornings used to be so bad for me, but over time it’s got less painful and easier to manage.
Walking away from anything that hurts you will be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
Good afternoon,
Reading your story made me really sad, sad that someone can treat another human being so very very badly. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this pain for so long and I hope you can begin to heal now. Someone once told me “it’s not the wound that hurts the most, but the healing”. But heal we must.
I totally can relate to PTSD because I too suffer from this now. I agree with the other comment, addiction just absolutely destroys everything and everyone in it’s path! My now ex treated me so badly that when I think back I literally feel the pain in my chest! It’s such physical pain and so very traumatic. I’m eight months down the line and I’m still struggling to come to terms with how I was treated. I too was blamed which made things worse as I started to believe I was to blame. I had to heal from this also and still am working on it. The thing is there is so many layers to trauma, the treatment and all the rest of it that sometimes I don’t know where to start. I think that’s probably why I have PTSD because it all comes out in night terrors and panic.
You hold onto your self because you are worth it and you are enough and now you are safe. You keep healing and pushing forward and talking. Whatever gets you back to you. X
Check you out taking your power back. Good for you. And glad you’ve found support here. ????
Might be worthwhile seeing if you could go on his treatment plan so that you can be a buddy support for him. That’s if you want to or can obvs.
Substance misuse practitioners wouldn’t lose faith as we are there for them not ourselves and it’s their recovery not ours.
Take good care x
Oh, if he is under a drugs service he would have to be tested as part of safe prescribing and refusal to do so could lead to his treatment being compromised. In other words they shouldn’t keep prescribing without a test completed.
Usually when people use heroin, crack cocaine goes hand in hand. Not everyone but most people I think that’s prob why I spoke about “mixing”. Even alcohol or anti depressants. Reason being is because they’re all “depressants” and can lead to respiratory depression.
My background would take me forever to explain but let’s say I’ve pretty much dedicated my whole life to help people in addiction, plus been thru it a bit as a loved one, lost people to addiction and nearly lost myself in the process.
It is heartbreaking, confusing and difficult to say the least.
It’s good he is on substitute treatment, however as it’s already been said on the most part people tend to use on top of their medication! It’s all about getting titrated up to a therapeutic dose and aim for stabilisation at this point. He would need to engage with the psychosocial interventions also to get the most out of his recovery journey. Unfortunately, people end up “grouping” with others at certain services which puts them in a high risk situation and then so there’s the social element to overcome!
Heroin is as you probably know physical, psychological and social etc so all these areas of a persons life have to be managed. It’s a powerful drug and a part of his programme will require UDS testing minimum every three months for safe prescribing.
It’s a long journey and I hope you can support at a safe distance. Cutting ties is easier said than done when it’s your loved ones.
Al Anon is great and I struggled with some of the concepts, however I did learn new ways to cope and understand my own reactions to the addict. I gave up after a while as I don’t think I was ready to start looking at me. It almost felt like i did something wrong, although that’s never what was taught or implied. It was just so hard and heartbreaking to explore my journey in a public forum.
Wishing you all peace at this time and reach out whenever you need.
Well note to future self “if someone’s an assh*** to women then that person is an assh*** to all women .
We will get thru it, now I’m just left with angry bolts. I sometimes have this “how dare you” sort of attitude and I mean it as well.
I keep busy at work and it helps a little but damn when it hits me it hits me.
I think I’m just tired of my brain and need to learn to just accept the days that go by and forget anything else.
Perhaps if you could share more information you might get a different response maybe. I guess the point is that we share information and relate to it.
Sorry you’re going through this painful journey.
I’m always here to listen and help where I can.