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It’s heartbreaking, especially reading the last bit of your comment as my now ex partner of 22 years was once a lovely, loyal hard working man. He is nothing like the person he was.
That drug is lethal and the more I read about it and how it destroys people and their families the more upset I become.
I cannot comprehend what’s happened to me since Xmas 2019. I wish I could change things and get my life back but I can’t – that drug took my life away. My ex ended up going home with a stranger having unprotected sex, then came home and lied to my face. He was never like that. We was always his priority and his world.
My heart has been shattered – I still have nightmares. Even as I’m writing this tears fall. How did this all happen? COCAINE – devil drug and you’re right more awareness around this drug needs to be out there.
I don’t even know how to recover from the crap I’ve been put thru.
Somehow I have to finally let go, as I know that man no longer exists and now that is really hard.
I would hope that it’s the drug causing the behaviour and not him if that makes sense. Although, I’ve read that the brain can be damaged – even so far as permanent. I think mine is still using as he is still blaming me for all that’s wrong in his life. I even got told it was my fault he cheated and my fault he used drugs.
Is it possible he can move out of area? I don’t want to scare you but these people aren’t the best in society and are relentless if they’re owed money.
Options are to move, pay or involve police I’m afraid and that’s for his own protection. I’m aware that’s probably not an option he would want but it might help him out.
Sorry you’re going through this it’s must be awful for you.
I think she’s probably angry though and that’s alright as she has a right to be. She needs time to reflect and heal as I know I needed that and to be fair I still do. I was broken and the sight of him just made things worse. For me, I felt abandoned also and felt as though we was not enough for him to stop and that’s a reasonable way of thinking. Because in a way you did have the choice to stop but you didn’t and I get that the drug gripped you but at the time you chose the drug over the family. That’s what is hard to accept and that’s not to say it’s not easy for you either. Addiction is bloody hard and I know this myself, however when people have been let down so much and they’re hurting I guess like an addict we get to a point where we say “no more”.
It’s sad as I hate to hear families that have broken. It’s just so sad.
You do have a way to go and maybe you will get there. I hope so. And good for you for getting the help you need.
That’s if he stays off it but yeh I’ve read about that. I do think one day he will realize what’s he has lost but by then I’m sure it be too late for us.
I left six months ago and no we aren’t together.
I realized the man I knew and loved no longer existed. Even when I look at him he doesn’t look the same. I think he is still using as he refused a drug test a couple weeks ago.
I’ve never got an apology in fact he blames stuff onto me.
I think mine as permanent damage to his brain to be fair and I’m not joking as he is NOT who I once knew.
Well there’s always the risk you will though. That’s why recovery is for life. It’s the same thing as looking after yourself I guess.
I think it’s wise you focus on yourself as that gives the people that have been through hell the time to heal and get better themselves.
Well I hope you do what you say and stick with it.
How are you helping yourself just out of curiosity?
Thank you although my story is on here somewhere. I hope things work out for you.
My story is like many others on here sadly.
My ex was lovely, loyal and a good family man until COCAINE took a hold of him and now he is a shadow of his former self.
So many lies, deceit, betrayals and damn right disgusting behaviours for any person to cope with and or even think about getting into again. I had a break down because of it all and I’m six months on now trying to pick up the pieces of my life and what I went through. It’s not easy at all watching someone you love turn into something awful.
We were together 22 years and he never once even raised his voice. He changed significantly into someone I didn’t recognize.
I can’t have sympathy for what people who abuse COCAINE say at the moment as I’m so angry. They know what they’re doing, but it makes them selfish and unkind.
I just feel sad for you but I also hope another family isn’t destroyed by this.
Best of luck with everything
One thing about rock bottom is that it’s a neverending pit which as many levels.
We wasn’t even my ex’s rock bottom. I think addicts say all this about “I’ll get help bla bla” until the wife once again forgives and the shitshow continues.
It’s all in the action and actually doing what they say they’ll do and not just spout words.
I think you’ve done all you can do to help whatever he was to you. I doubt you’d know when he is using or not if you are not around him but the fact he is on the missing list suggests to me quite likely he is actively using.
Hope things get better for you and keep us updated if you wish.
And you’re welcome, sometimes it’s a harsh reality. I was probably you six months ago or so until I got some hard truths here and others places.
Denial is only to common with addiction. Why would her GP tell her work? That doesn’t happen, it’s confidentiality unless she was going to be at risk to herself or harm others. GPs refer to drug services etc so they want to support and so if they told every employer noone would get clean. That is an excuse I agree.
Every other day or every day doesn’t matter. If she uses a substance to chill out, relax or blot out stuff then it’s problematic because it implies she can’t do all those things in a healthy way.
I understand. Im sorry you’re feeling this way. You must be in shock. It’s awful I know. You’re not alone and you’re definitely not a fool. You’re heartbroken. It’s heartbreaking. You need as much support as you can get so talk to friends and family. There is plenty you can do – for yourself. Brace yourself though. I hope he can turn things around I really do. I think you probably need to sit down and have a talk with him about this situation. Try to be patient and lean on one another. It’s emotive at the moment. It’s not easy at all I’m only to aware of that, however you need to probably start by taking care of yourself. If he wants to change and get help then that’s the first step. Maintain some healthy boundaries and stick with them as it might be a rocky road from here on now.
Erm I’m sure you’re letting off steam, however I think perhaps you might need to read about addiction and more specifically cocaine and the effects, especially if it’s as heavy as it sounds.
I’m sure you’re devastated, however ultimatums never usually works, in fact I think it can have the adverse affect.
Cocaine is such a powerful drug and I’m sure he will need help with this. CA meetings, local drugs service and GP is the first steps.
I think it might help you if you perhaps try not to blame yourself or your family. It’s nothing to do with how perfect your family is/was and how great your life is.
Cocaine ruins lives, breaks families and rips people apart. It’s the devil drug! It destroyed my family and my lovely loyal man and turned him into a monster!
Now, I hope you are one of the lucky ones and he really does change for you all, however he really needs to do it because he wants too, and work out why he used in the first instance.
Unfortunately we have no power over other people and their choices. And yes the trust is broke, and where drugs are involved lies are always present, along with the other crap that comes along with it.
Keep posting and talking and reading up about cocaine abuse as you might be able to identify some behaviours but also learn new ways to keep yourself safe.
Warm wishes to you
She’s addicted so she can’t just stop like that. She would need to learn new coping strategies, understand the driving force behind why she smokes, unlearn all habits and behaviours and use her desire to wanting to stop with getting help. Professional help. She’s lying mostly because she is carrying shame, and most likely to please you. Try understanding from an addicts perspective as it’s not so easy to just stop. Maybe she should have come clean initially but to her that’s probably not going to go down so well on a first date etc.
You have a choice to leave and if you chose that then that’s ok but as long as you don’t add pressure by giving ultimatums – that doesn’t work and possibly her smoking will increase.
First off she could try to reduce the amount she smokes, see her GP for help with mood and sleep because that will be affected and then get some help from a drugs worker with the rest.
Best of luck to you both
Humans love to play games, probably due to the hunting and gathering days – but we’ve defo moved on from them days.
The only way to not play the game is to either win/lose or not play at all. I know what I’d prefer – but then saying that sometimes I’ve got hooked in and played the games. I used to think some you lose some you win, but in the end it’s all just BS because at the end of the day our emotions aren’t for playing with.
Oh my ex used to make me feel this way – cusion me into a false sense of security and guess what – I believed him. Done wonders for my confidence In the end. In fact he destroyed me.
A way with words? Isn’t that just charm? And when we uncover that isn’t charm just manipulation! You are good enough and maybe just maybe you might have some work to do on your self esteem. It’s probably affected you and trod you down over the two years.
I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser and a fixer so it no surprise how I stayed for so long, but the longer you stay the harder and more pain it causes.
You ain’t no second best let alone 3/4th! I think at times we can get obsessed with what they’re doing and the brain gets stuck. Try to have a day or hour when you don’t think of him and do some introspection.
If he does end up turning up just be careful, sometimes you might not want to hear/see or understand what’s been going on.
Damn well you’ve got what you wanted off your chest but don’t kid yourself of course he is on your mind and it’s affecting you. And you’re probably hurting, and it’s not easy to admit that sometimes especially when you have been hurt before. I’m assume here I know. Life can suck sometimes but you are worthy of respect, love and understanding.
You will move on. Moving on comes after acceptance. And acceptance can be the mother of all f***ups. I imagine you’re an empathic person who probably gives way more to others than yourself.
Start by writing down all the bad things about him and take it one day at a time