[kindredcoyote]

He got on with his life just fine to be honest. It has to be his choice to get support. You can’t force it I don’t think.

I felt exactly the same way you do. It didn’t work when we tried to stay in contact as it was the same lies and distrust. Nothing changed.

Please just focus on yourself and your needs for a while. It’s not selfish. It’s taking care of yourself.

[kindredcoyote]

I had to remind myself that it’s not my fault he didn’t have a lot of places to go and also once I did manage to get him to leave, he found somewhere easily

[kindredcoyote]

My advice is to look after yourself first to be honest. It will drag you down and only gets worse. If you can go to your parents at least that will give you some head space to assess your situation without being faced with it 24/7. I look back now I’m not in it and just regret not ending it sooner as it feels like I wasted a part of my life.

[kindredcoyote]

Sorry I haven’t logged in here for a while. I’m really sorry you are going through this. I was in the position that it was my house so maybe easier to get out. I sought counselling through The Icarus Trust. It really helped me. I asked my boyfriend to leave. It was hard. He kept turning back up and leaving things on my doorstep if I didn’t answer. Just trying to get back in to my life basically. In the end I just had to completely cut contact and not respond. It actually was much easier then. Once you get out of this cycle and cut contact and can have some head space to care and look after yourself again, I realised actually what a really awful situation it was and it was never going to change. It takes all your energy just to get through. I was single for over a year and then when I have now met someone else, I had got myself back and realised the pattern I was in. Please get some support from The Icarus Trust or go to your Gp and explain you really need some help with counselling. I used to feel so angry that I was the one needing to have counselling and support when I felt that I wasn’t the one with the problem, but it was the best thing I did. I did have a massive problem and it affected every part of my life! You have to look after yourself and put yourself first.

[kindredcoyote]

I think he will hold on to that stuff because it’s all he has against you. Don’t expect a normal response from someone that’s not leading a normal life. You won’t get the appreciation for any of it.

Did you own your own home before? Have you been to your local council for help with housing?

The best thing you can do is what he has said. Don’t go back and focus on yourself. The addition is a disease and he won’t get better until he wants to and gets help and even then it will be really hard.

[kindredcoyote]

Please just put yourself first, you’ve not been soft, you’ve been in a manipulative situation and have been trying to make the best of it.

You said you have a lot of support from family so even if it’s hard you will have what you need from them. Don’t try to figure him out – which part of him is the real him etc. You know the facts already and that is that cocaine comes first and until he gets real help and wants to stop it always will. Focus on you and the baby and not what he needs or might need or what you want him to do. He will only do what he wants to do. The only thing you can control is what you do. I wish you all the best. Use the support offered through the Icarus Trust.

[kindredcoyote]

For the last 3 years my partner (I guess ex now) has been loving in my house. I didn’t know he took cocaine when he moved in, but he couldn’t hide it in the end and would always say he wanted to quit and ask for my support. It’s all been lies, he’s stolen from me, he lies, he most likely has cheated. The emotional manipulation that goes alongside living and being with an addict can be so destructive. He moved out two weeks ago. I never saw that happening and I know now it’s for the best but it doesn’t make it easier. I know I was enabling him by paying off all the debts and making excuses for him. I worry about him constantly but just remember you get one life and you need to put your needs first. Your home should be your safe place and when they take that away from you, coming home not knowing what you are going to get, it becomes almost normal, always looking for signs of the drug use. Please put you and your son first. He will only get help if he wants to and you need to focus on yourself. There is nothing you can do to control their use or to help. It has to come from them. I really recommend taking up the support offered from the charity above. It helped me get some perspective. I didn’t have children with him but I am now thousands in debt because of him and may lose my house because I just kept believing it would get better.

[kindredcoyote]

What advice do you have if any for me to support my partner giving up coke? He was doing a lot, all his wages every week and then a chunk of mine, maybe £600-£800. he’s cut down now and is aiming for once a week. I’m finding it hard as I just want him to stop all together! But he needs to do it his way for himself but he isn’t getting any help and doesn’t want to get any.

[kindredcoyote]

I really hope you are able to work a way out of this for yourself and your son, you deserve to be happy

[kindredcoyote]

How’s it going?

[kindredcoyote]

I think there are different agencies that have no religious connotations that will support you. The one near me I looked into for my partner was not like that. It gave practical help and looked into offering counselling to get to the root of the addiction. In another thread on here Danman recommended louise Clark on YouTube. She has parts 1,2,3 and 4 I think. Have a look at them. I understand you are worried about losing your gf but the addiction isn’t going to just go away by itself one day and the longer you leave it not telling her the longer it’s a lie and harder to explain in my opinion and you will lose her anyway. You didn’t lose her last time you told her so she must understand to a certain extent. I think if you are going to beat this you will need the support from your loved ones.

[kindredcoyote]

Also I do realise that he isn’t taking cocaine to deliberately upset me as I’m sure you are not. You are both in a terrible situation that is going to be tough to get out of but I think if you really really want it then you need to put all your efforts into giving it a go. You can’t do anymore than that. What I feelfrustrated by is promises that he wants to stop and coming to me in a state saying he’s sorry he’s stolen or sorry he’s spent all his wages and he wants to change but doesn’t try anything new to get support or look at stopping if that makes sense? The problem is I can see it’s near on impossible to think passed the need for cocaine. But you seem to recognise that and you’ve come here to say it so I think that’s really good and it’s brave to admit it. Keep the momento going tomorrow. Perhaps ring Frank and find out where your local support is? Or if you have been maybe make a plan to go back? Just keep taking the steps.

[kindredcoyote]

Sounds like you had a terrible night. It’s like ground hog day isn’t it. Have you contacted the Icarus trust for support? I have and had a reply. I know they won’t have a magic cure for us or our partners but maybe it will be nice to get some support for ourselves? It’s 4am and he’s woke me up again downstairs doing that disgusting snorting noise. I feel such rage.

[kindredcoyote]

No kids no. He came home at 3am. We haven’t talked today as I could tell he’s still on one. It’s 4am now and he’s still downstairs doing it. I don’t think he can get out the cycle coz he’s staying up so late he feels like shit and the only way he knows how to deal with that is to take more I think. Thing is I am absolutely knackered now. I don’t have the energy to even sort out my own stuff this weekend now.

[kindredcoyote]

Hi there, coming from the view of the gf, if it’s me I think honesty is best. Just tell her what’s happening and ask for support to get help to stop if that’s what you want. Why did you only go to one meeting? Wht stopped you returning? Your girlfriend might already know anyway and not know how to bring it up as that was how I felt to start with.

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