[kittenmitten]

Hi James, I came on here today because of feeling hurt and at a loss towards my husband. I have to say your words helped me. Its so hard to live with an addict and at times it just hurts my brain – but what you say and how you write it makes sense. And although I know all that it was good to read it.

The part where you said you didn’t feel guilty for what you said was interesting. It all is part of it. That an argument is never worth having and finding a way to deal with his behaviour that keeps everyone safe is truly the only answer.

[kittenmitten]

Your story of being in the dark is very similar to me. I also thought that it was down to alcohol like you – when he went out with mates i never went as its just not my thing so for years he was taking coke at weekends but that was all. Then unfortunately he got a better job and the more money he had the more he did. And the more he did the more it effected our relationship but I didn’t know why and accused him of alcoholism.

Eventually I found out it was cocaine but it was probably too late as our relationship had reached a point of no return. He still lives with us because I am not financially independent but I single parent our son and I hope to get out of the relationship soon – for now I stick to my boundaries as much as I can and we are surviving.

This weekend he had a binge, the mood afterwards was horrendous- he screamed at me for suggesting mcdonalds when he asked what we wanted to eat – after offering us a takeaway. I try not to engage with it because its insane but it gets to me. He has come home the last 2 days and just gone to bed so the Friday binge must have been huge because he has slept all Saturday and Sunday also.

I come on here just to read but I miss my husband and when I am feeling like this all I really want is a hug from him. I hate cocaine!

[kittenmitten]

Thanks for your reply. It does make sense to do nothing and not react to it. My initial reaction definitely was anger towards him – I mean honestly he is the one with the addiction and I am doing everything to keep things together for the family – I went into full martyr mode!

I think it also was because I googled the symptoms and was met with lists of side effects of paranoia – one of which is violence towards themselves and others. The fact that his suspicions are directed at me got me worried. I thought about suggesting he talks to his friend about it – like tell his friend what he said to me about finding patterns etc and that way he could see a reaction from someone who is not involved. Maybe it would help him see that this is another side effect of his drug use.

[kittenmitten]

I talked to him briefly this morning because I could see that last night he did infact just have a small amount and didn’t do the usual staying up all night. He was up at 11am which is very early for him. Recently Saturdays have been him sleeping all day till atleast 5pm if not longer.

His ‘happy family’ comment I feel is his way of justifying using coke. He always talks about how rubbish his life is anyway. If only he could see now that his life is rubbish not because its rubbish but because the consequences of taking coke are making it rubbish. But I think he sinks into a depression that says fml I may aswell take cocaine because its the only thing that’s good.

Maybe his journey to sobriety is going to be a bit of fail and try again. It is hard not to jump on fail part but I have to look to the positives. He is up and playing roblox with our son and that is different.

Thanks danman for all your responses. I am feeling like coming on here stops me saying the wrong thing to my husband because when I talk to him after typing what I feel I am already calmer and ready to be helpful rather than judging towards him.

[kittenmitten]

To answer my own question – no you can’t give up cocaine by yourself without a plan and with friends that are also drug dealers 🙂

I want to scream at him but I know it will fall on deaf ears and all he will do is be nasty to me and make me even angrier.

I just wish I never listened to him in the first place. Every time it is the same. When do you give up trying to be supportive and just let them get on with it? I don’t want to give up but I cant keep doing this.

My son was so happy yesterday to have a family dinner and I know that’s what he needs – some normality – but tonight my husband says he can’t see the point of playing happy families because I am only willing to accept him as tee total. Then he went out and got high. Apparently he was never giving up totally but the fact that he could stop for just over a week proves that he doesn’t have a problem.

[kittenmitten]

I think that being at a stage where recovery could be a thing is new to me. Its what is making me anxious. My expectations of how it should go and what he should be like. I think I have researched the part about addiction loads. I know all the signs and the behaviour etc but I haven’t really looked into recovery.

I am going to take this week to try and read more and find help for me. I think expecting him to be remorseful is probably where I am going wrong, and might even be making him feel worse.

Tonight I am going to cook a family dinner and talk about nothing related to this stuff. Thats what my son needs. We don’t eat together usually as my husband is never hungry in the evening from cocaine use and I got sick of throwing away food I made for him.

Later we can see where we are at with everything else. I think struggling with whether to let him back into my life is probably hardest. Almost like I have felt better when I shut him out and also felt that it was better for us all. But it isn’t the answer.

[kittenmitten]

I want my husband to get sober so he can be a good dad. Thats what I would love. What I don’t know is what our relationship would look like. I have lost sight of what is him and what is cocaine talking to me and he has put me through a lot of crap.

We have been married 15 years, together 17 years and for a lot of that time we have been happy. But recent years have been so hard I can’t tell if I would want a relationship or not if he was sober. When I didn’t know it was an addiction I thought he was just being a bad dad and a terrible husband because he no longer loved me. I tried to be a better wife at first and then afterwards I just shut him out. I couldn’t put up with the ups and downs. When I finally found out he was taking cocaine heavily it was almost a relief to understand what had really been going on but I soon realised he was not going to stop and it felt like he died. He stopped hiding it and just got nasty towards me. I tried many times to get him to get help over this year and all he did was fall further into his addiction.

Maybe he has lost himself as well. He probably doesn’t really know how to parent an 8 year old at the moment and he has definitely forgotten how to be a husband, its almost like he doesn’t know me any more. His anger about our son today is probably his own fear about the situation. He wants things kept secret and any suggestion from me about him talking to family have always been met with him getting very angry.

I want him to tell family and friends about needing to get sober, I want him to go to the gp and I want him to make more of a plan and look for ways to stay sober. I guess for us to have any chance of a relationship after all this I feel like I need to be part of the plan to get sober. Maybe that’s wrong but its how I feel.

[kittenmitten]

I talked to my husband about our son and I said what he needs right now is some normality and for my husband to be available to him.

He takes it as me controlling his life apparently and started an argument. Honestly this is us right now and my son is in the middle of it.

Guess same thing happens to couples who are in divorce proceedings. I cant remember the last time I sat and had a sensible conversation with him. These days it ends in him telling me I am controlling, its my way or the highway, I twist things, I’m blaming him, this is why he turned to drugs in the first place. He said all that and all I wanted was to talk about our son and the fact that his anxeity and mot wanting to go to school should be our priority.

[kittenmitten]

I talked to my husband about our son and I said what he needs right now is some normality and for my husband to be available to him.

He takes it as me controlling his life apparently and started an argument. Honestly this is us right now and my son is in the middle of it.

Guess same thing happens to couples who are in divorce proceedings. I cant remember the last time I sat and had a sensible conversation with him. These days it ends in him telling me I am controlling, its my way or the highway, I twist things, I’m blaming him, this is why he turned to drugs in the first place. He said all that and all I wanted was to talk about our son and the fact that his anxeity and mot wanting to go to school should be our priority.

[kittenmitten]

Maybe I could be reading it wrong then. I felt like I would see snapping and agitation as the week went on but it stopped and he has been more normal. I have seen him use during the week before where he seems to take a little but can still sleep – and that was how he was managing to remain in his job.

Perhaps I should be more optimistic. Its like even if I try not to I am looking for signs of him taking cocaine – however small. Its because he lied about things for so long I think.

My son is 8. I am feeling guilty with the thing of him not wanting to go to school. Like it is my fault for not leaving my husband and that by staying I have allowed mental harm to come to him from all the arguments etc. Of course there could be so many reasons for his anxeity so who knows. If his school refusal keeps happening then I think I have no choice to relay my fears to the gp because atleast then we can make a plan to help him.

[kittenmitten]

Safe to assume my husbands sobriety didn’t last past 5/6 days. His mood which was awful on day 4/5 shifted to ok and that just doesn’t seem to be what I am reading about cocaine withdrawal. So I am assuming he is using in small amounts atleast. I will see this weekend if he sleeps all weekend or not. Thankfully he didn’t bring his friend to dinner so I can sigh a relief there!

Perhaps this whole thing was something work related as he has given up drinking before now when he was in trouble there.

Meanwhile this week my son is starting to refuse to go to school. Could be lockdown related. Could be mood related or, and this is what I was worried about, it is related to the crazy year he has just been witness to. I will be helping the school towards getting him happily back into the class room, he has managed today to go in and play. I can’t help thinking that the next few months are going to be hard. I really think I need to start looking at talking to the gp myself about the situation but I’m quite worried what will happen when I do.

[kittenmitten]

I have been gathering myself mentally and financially for the last year luckily. I have been letting him pay more of the bills and contributing less so that I save money in my own account. I told him this so as not to hide the fact. Again another step I have taken to feel calmer as when I found out we had no savings and my options just seemed bleak. I hope coming out of lockdown restrictions my options will be easier. Whatever I chose to do.

Its good to hear what you felt about the sleeping all weekend. I see it in him also. He wants to get up and play games with our son and when he does get up he is good with him. If I had tried to get him up we would have had hours of grumpyness and chaos and him telling my son that he is always allowed to get his own way – usually in response to the fact my son wants to play with him and he doesn’t so my son plays up in response.

I do find it hard how to talk to my son about it. I tell him that daddy is not well. I remind him that sleeping all day is not normal and that his dads behaviour is because he is unwell and not because of us.

The other day my son said to me that daddy sleeps all day because of me. So I’m not really getting through to him or explaining well so far I guess.

[kittenmitten]

There is that feeling that as they are holding down jobs and providing for their family then where is the real problem? I think sometimes people don’t really believe me about it. My own mum was actually not helpful. She thought I just needed to not let him go out, to not accept this behaviour. Then she went on to suggest that perhaps I should have given more time to him when we had our son.

I didn’t tell her the extent of how his addiction progressed during lockdown because I just didn’t feel heard by her when I talked about what the last few years had been like.

The progression of addiction is the hard part. To start with its just a weekend and you feel annoyed but its just boys being boys… then its once a month… once a week… every day. And it looks like binge drinking also because the start is just seemingly massive hangovers and terrible mood. But then the lies started.

For now I do try not to be so negative about the situation. It helps me think about it rationally. I have also found that if I ask nothing of him then he can actually be OK. So we let him sleep all weekend and we get on with our own life around him. I act like a single mum really. And my sons behaviour has been better since doing this also, although I can see its not healthy but I try to reassure him when my husbands mood effects us all.

I think about what if he was clean – what would that look like. Like your husband he has spent the last few years doing less and less with us. He wouldn’t even go to the park and insisted it was just so boring, that we were so boring. He ruined family days out and family holidays were a nightmare. I don’t know if he was sober would he just not want to do these things anyway. Who knows.

I have been watching YouTube videos that have helped me see past his behaviour. That jekyll and Hyde thing. I also found them useful in using language that is not confrontational but I fail at it a lot of the time! Mostly I just watch them to remind me that I am not to blame for any of this. The channel is ‘put the shovel down’ if you want to have a look x

[kittenmitten]

The vile and nasty behaviour was a common occurence just after I found out also. It was his way of ending conversations. My husband made me so angry at times that I felt suicidal. Even now when I talk to him I aim to be calm and I try to be calm but I can feel my heart racing like I am in fight or flight mode.

Due to lock down I had no other choice but to spend the year still living together. Before lockdown I had found a new job and was making steps to move on financially but the job fell through due to the fact that I am 100% responsible for looking after our son.

In a way the year has mellowed me but the damage is probably already done. I have no idea if I could ever fully trust him again but part of me still holds onto hope that my son will have a dad as he grows up.

The alternatives of divorce bring in whole new awful stressful things and top of my list is what happens to our son. Right now my husband spends time with him when he is awake, it is nothing like a normal family life and we haven’t been out for a year! Still they play some video games and because I don’t ask my husband to do anything else he is coping. Before now I worked on Saturday mornings and it created a nightmare. Now I know it was because he hadn’t slept so he was being awful to our son. It was horrible. I would never let that happen again. It has effected our sons behaviour.

I feel until my husband fully submits to finding treatment and proves that he is serious I will assume he is just on the road to relapse. I am going to try not to get drawn into it though. Before now I would be looking for evidence and spending time analysing his voice etc. All I can do now is tell him that I am here when he is ready. And make no promises to him. I try to remember the me I was when I met him. I would have run a mile from someone who treated me like he has. So until I see someone who treats me how I deserve to be treated I will leave him to his own devices.

Good luck with your own situation, having family who you can talk to is so important. I think I lost myself for a while keeping it secret and this year I have decided to share more with friends and family and it gives me strength.

[kittenmitten]

We will see what happens tomorrow but i hope they don’t turn up. He is currently grumping around the house with a face that looks permanently scowling. I can only make myself clear and explain why I don’t like it.

I asked if his friends wife knows about it and he says yes she does. Who knows if thats true though.

I have been made to feel uncomfortable in my own house many times this year with his drug use in the house and cleaning up his mess. I am not stopping him going to their house and tbh he would have a much better time than if they came here as it would be the most uncomfortable dinner on record!

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