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Dot, this is great. I am so impressed and I believe you won’t go back! 6 months is such a long time and look at everything you have achieved.
My hubby is working really hard at staying clean and I do finally feel like it will happen now.
Covid has buggered up everything for us both work wise. So if that could calm down we would be better off.
You doctor? We are in the UK – where are you? Our local doctor is called a GP and they help with stuff like this.
I don’t know, it’s incredible how far we can be pushed.
I’ve been pushed to limits I didn’t think I would go over. But I’m at the max with them. That I know.
Have you been able to get any help from your GP or talking to a professional? I would def recommend it. It really helps.
How are you doing?
My hubby is 5.5 months clean. So relieved.
I felt really sad reading your post.
Congratulations to you and becoming a mum. Try and cherish every bit of that, even though this is all going on.
Your partner sounds in a really bad place. No one manages drug use.
He won’t change and this is only going to get worse. I really have learnt that no one can help them but professionals.
You can’t fix him and you can’t change this. Only he can.
Al you can control is whether you sit there and watch him destroy himself.
I’m really sorry that things have got even worse.
You have no choice but to walk away.
This is his problem
You can’t fix him – only he can
My husband said I was a trigger when he was withdrawing from if. That broke me, but since he’s been clean he said he wanted to hurt me. He wanted me to feel shit because he was.
I said he had to go to the GP, and he did. They offered him counselling. His started straight away. Mine took 8 weeks, as I was the stable one.
Make a GP appointment and see what they can offer.
As mine took so long I found someone locally and said I wanted a counsellor who would see me, then hubby and then us together. We started that in June. It has helped so much, really made things super clear. I did about 2 sessions alone, 5 as a couple and then I realised he needed it.
So he now does AA smart meeting (online)
NA smart meeting
Private counselling all once a week.
There are online counselling/smart groups everyday of the week for free. Your GP should be able to point you in the right direction.
You have no choice but to leave him and walk away.
Everyone will then see it’s not you, you aren’t causing this.
You have no choice and you can’t fix him. You can only fix yourself and if you stay, and he doesn’t change, then you are causing yourself misery.
When I found out about my husband it was the biggest shock. I did everything they say not to do.
I demanded he stop. I demanded his whole salary be paid into our joint account, I demanded he see the GP, GP said Social Services had to be called (that was one of the hardest parts for me as we have three young children) I demanded he test every two days – this he did for 5 months, no it’s ad hoc testing.
He did it all, he did every single thing I demanded of him. I now know why… he knows I wasn’t ever going to accept his drug habit, I will never accept it and I will leave him if he ever fails one test.
At first I worried I wouldn’t stand up to that, but now 6 months clean. I KNOW I would have and I still would. I will never be with him if he uses drugs even once more. It isn’t an option.
Statistics say they always relapse etc… and I read hundreds of stories on here of relapses. I walked around with a sick dread in my stomach that I was asking too much. I wasn’t! I was asking for what I deserved and what his children deserved.
You deserve to be loved, looked after and be put number one.
Tell yourself you can’t fix him. This is not your fault and it’s time to walk away.
If he chooses drugs, then you rebuild yourself. That’s all you can do. All you can do is fix and mend yourself.
I couldn’t not reply.
I feel for you. I can hear your heart breaking.
I have learnt one thing on my own personal journey with my husband. You need support, you need counselling. I wasn’t one for that, I have never had professional help before finding out I had been married to a occasional drug user for 21years.
I cried and cried. I broke into pieces but had to draw my own boundaries. Once I sorted that it made everything clearer.
But after 6 months of sessions I have learnt and I now believe –
This is not your fault
This is not your demons
You cannot help
They only help themselves and on their own terms
Many will tell you not give ultimatums – they don’t work.
But I did exactly that to my husband and have been testing him every two days. He has been clean 6 months.
I know now if he fails even one test I will walk away.
But this has taken me months to get to this strength. Be kind to yourself but be truthful with yourself! Never sacrifice your own happiness for his.
I hope I have helped x
Really sorry for your loss. Can’t imagine how you feel x
Absolutely understand and it’s got to be yours.
I am not that kind of ‘self healing’ person at all!!! I honestly thought it was a load of rubbish. But it has really helped hearing a professionals take on it. I see it more now as learning about this world. I have no clue about it and was totally Naive. I am not now!
This is really gonna help. I also was advised to do counselling and I really wasn’t sure about it. I felt very much it wasn’t my issue, it was his. He was at fault. He was doing it. But by having counselling I now realise how angry I was and probably still am. For so many reasons – but mostly the shock. I had no idea at all that he used.
Glad they can mediate with the council and get you moved. You need that help.
I own my home, so you are pretty much stuffed if they won’t leave. I’m so count myself lucky that it didn’t come to that.
Thank god! What can they do? X
Unbelievable. When you need the help no one is there
Oh no! Sounds terrible!!!!
Can social Services help get rid of him?
Good god! No wonder you are annoyed.
May be a stupid question, but having that bit of space, has it helped you both?
This drug is pure evil and just wrecks so much stuff.