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That’s so brave of you and so right.

Really good you have your his mum drug testing him and he is then accountable for what he has done. I think that’s a massive part of all this.

I had read your past posts like he was still there and still dragging you through hell. I’m glad you were strong enough to kick him out!

I absolutely dread the thought of a failed drug test from my husband and having to back it up with what I’ve said. I know I can and I would. But obviously it’s not what you want or we wouldn’t put ourselves through all this in the first place!

Have you found having that month apart is helping you?

[kklost]

3boymum, when you say out of the house, you mean you’ve kicked him out? How longs that been? Is he in contact with you?

Coc1212 – he moved a caravan into your garden?

[kklost]

Hi, for some reason my phone hadn’t said you had replied. Sorry!

How has it been? Have you got any further with it?

[kklost]

Take a breath and say it’s not your fault. It’s not because of you. This is HIM

That’s hard. It’s hard to blame, but are you shoving that drug into his nose? NO!

I think you are amazing to have given as much as you have. I won’t ever give half of what you have.

Been with my hubby over 20 years, 3 kids and that day I found out I knew I would never ever give more than one chance. I was so disgusted by it, so hurt that he did this to our kids! The ones who look at him like he’s the biggest hero ever and I am just boring mum!

I was furious and it’s taken a while to get past that. But I know if he relapsed I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. We had social services involved as he admitted to GP he had used while having the kids when I was working, so he’s now ‘known’ – it’s accountability. It did him the world of good, he had to stand up and face it.

I insisted he tell his sister and mother. Both were absolutely disgusted and wiped the floor with him. Again accountability. Both know I will leave him if he takes drugs again and support that.

It’s down to that – your husband has to be clean… he can’t live with drugs. No one on the forum can. No one can survive, the drug with either kill them or ruin everything you have built.

You sound like such a nice person and you sound like your fears are so justified – if this was 1st time, maybe 2nd time? But now? Where does it end – when you say it does!

You owe it to your children to not allow this in their world. They deserve better and by the sounds of it he won’t give them that. So you have too.

I am so angry about this and anyone who uses. It’s vile… I hate it and I hate that I was so naive. I had no clue what so ever. Maybe that’s why I’m so black and white. I had no idea at all that this way even a part of my husband. I just could see him becoming a shell and I had no idea why. So stupid of me.

I would rather walk through fire than live with anyone who took drugs.

I think if my husband was honest he would say that as soon as I found out his ‘fun’ was over.

It was me or drugs. I said that to his face. To our couples counsellor.

If he ever relapses I will be broken into a million pieces. But I won’t backdown. I can’t. But it will probably finish me

[kklost]

I haven’t been in your position. I found out hubby was an addict by chance in May during lockdown.

I gave him a chance and so far it’s working out.

I know I wouldn’t give anymore chances. If he relapses im done. He is fully aware and I am def not a soft type. Maybe some do marry softer women – but not in my case.

I think you have given him every single chance, every part of you and it’s not worked. I wouldn’t give him anything else … this is now for you and your children.

Leave/kick him out. Which ever. He will NEVER get your children if you are clean/not in your own trouble. He’s bullying you about that.

Are social services involved?

You are making the right steps by being on here. You must do what’s right for your family and not your addict partner!

[kklost]

What does your counsellor say?

I think for me. I was a never again person, once I found this out i was honestly horrified and shocked. Now we are further down the line, I think my husband always knew I would take the hard line and mean it.

I’m glad he didn’t push me into having to prove it, but I know deep down I would have be done if he failed even one.

Putting myself in your shoes and now being in your situation this is what I would do.

I would have the people who you have told (I have a small group of 4 people I have confided in) take the test infront of him. Then I would make him take it. Bingo answers there.

It makes me sad he thinks you are stupid enough to believe the test is wrong. That is so disrespectful to you. You know they aren’t wrong, but it’s easier to play along with him.

This is what you must decide… when is enough enough. For me it was black and white, from that first time I found out he was taking drugs, it was never ever an option to ever take them again and have me/our sons. Now I’m further down the line that is even more important! It’s cocaine or us. No one has both.

[kklost]

That must be so upsetting for you. Especially when you are trying for them and trying to get him clean. But he has to do it, it has to come from him.

How many chances in your own mind are you willing to give? That’s important to have your own boundaries think!

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Thanks DOT, your comments on my story have helped me so much. To get a mans point of view and how he may be feeling.

I wouldn’t say our sex life is amazing, but it’s better than what I’ve had for years on end.

No I am more educated on cocaine and what it’s all about I know I should have known, but I wasn’t part of this world and I’ve had to get into the ‘know’ and fast!!!

I think if the person in trouble wants help then it can be done. If they don’t – walk away and don’t look back.

I honestly count myself very very lucky!

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Hi All, well we made the 12 week clean date!

I am so bloody happy. It’s been blood sweat and tears to get here.

We started couples counselling 5 weeks ago and now it’s down to one week us, then next him alone. We said we will keep this going until Christmas at least.

His drug counselling is nearly finished and they then move him onto groups counselling sessions. He needs these and so far responds really well to it all. I would never ever have said he was the kind of bloke who would take to any sort of therapy. Shows he needed it and still does.

12 weeks ago I was so terrified and had myself thrown into this new world and I hated him. If I’m honest I didn’t think we would make it. I was so sure he was relapse and give up on us.

He has admitted to having some really dark days but his boys have pushed him through it. I have never been more grateful in my life for my sons.

This fight isn’t over and I will never let my finger off the pulse now! Will always be on guard and watching. But I am def able to sleep better at night

Don’t give up hope!!!

[kklost]

Hi Dot, really glad to hear that you are doing so well.

Glad you feel so solid and confident about not going back, that’s so important.

From the ex wife’s point of view it must be really hard not to hate you. I feel so much anger towards my husband and what he’s put us through. And still putting us through.

Must hurt her to see you moving on with someone new.

Glad your new partner is fully in the know. That’s so vital, vital for you to continue getting well!

[kklost]

Poor you. Must have been so upsetting and disappointing!

My hubby is on week 11-12 too. I’d be gutted if he failed the test.

Fail is a fail, I wouldn’t believe any lies that were told to me. If you do then he knows the boundaries are breakable and you won’t do anything about it.

I’m really sorry for you.

[kklost]

I felt I couldn’t read and not reply.

I feel for you and can hear the pain in your words. Honestly sounds like you all have been living in a nightmare.

I personally don’t know of anywhere that he could be sent without his consent. I’d have thought it would be through a court, possibly being sectioned.

But I would say your mum has to stand up and do something now, she is enabling him and this won’t end until she cuts those strings. It will be another 6 years and you will all be in the same position.

So many posts I’ve read are of people who have done everything they possibly can… for partners/family and it all seems to end the same way, them shattered by these other peoples choices.

I hate drugs. I hate them even more since I’ve been dragged into this world. Only since May for me, but I have zero tolerance for it. It just kills the person that they once were!

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Week 10 –

Wow what a change. It’s been hard

But what a huge change. He is back and fully here. I now realise how bad it was and how it was so gradual… I hadn’t seen it. Hadn’t realised how bad it was.

He’s 100% clean, still taking tests every two day. He attends NA meetings. Speaking to the GP every two weeks. Having weekly drug counsellor sessions.

I’ve done counselling and sobbed through the whole session. But it’s done. We start couples counselling next week.

I didn’t think we would be ok. I didn’t think he could do it.

His sex drive has returned and it is so much better between us. I feel like we really have a connection again. I knew I missed it but didn’t appreciate how upset I was about that!

I think now it was all a huge cry for help (as well as pure selfishness) and now he has better support and I understand what’s going on I can help.

I think everyone was right when they said the person has to want to change. Without that you can’t make it happen.

It’s their journey and we are just dragged along!

[kklost]

Hi plain Jane, how are you? Have you made any progress?

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How are you doing?

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