[knupssy]

Hi,

this story sounds a lot to take.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>The thing is that, only he can take his fate in hands.
Of course you feel the need to be here for him. But you need to put kids first and yourself first. Happy mum happy kids.</p>
Also, you need to distinguish what is being there for him

and taking steps for you and kids. Moving out doesn’t mean you cut the rope. You just take a bit of distance to breathe and find energy to battle. It’s not quiting, it’s just taking a rest, that is necessary to be there for the children. And they deserve to have a fully rested happy mum.

[knupssy]

I also want to add that within my numerous steps to set our new life, my kids have been seeing a therapist which I see with them punctually.

My eldest son has unfortunately been very much damaged psychologically but we work on his issues and my youngest ones (5 when I left 7 now and 8 when I left 11 now) are doing wonderfully.
But it has been a huge adjustment for us. The first year me and kids were all going through phases of anger and distress. But we made it through. We now have a normal life. No more screams at home (at least less than it use to be!), and when they spend time with their dad he is there for them (he still doesn’t wake up to make them breakfast and mostly order pizza ????) but well…

 

[knupssy]

<p style=”text-align: center;”>Dear Brighterdays,</p>
such a beautiful pseudo … and indeed there are brighter days ahead.
I am reading your post, and it all sounds soo familiar. It seems like a joke. But indeed, it is not.
This a real nightmare and I can only give all my sympathy. There are days when I still have doubts, when I think, what if this was all not true? But then, I actually got confirmation by several people that it was all true. Then I hold my children dearly and I thank God I was able to pull the strength to leave.

My dad is a Christian orthodox priest. So for me leaving my husband was hard, due to moral etc. I never even knew any other man than my husband. I loved him dearly. When in the middle of my struggle, two years ago, I asked my father for advice: Dad, should I actually get divorce? He then replied: Only you can answer that question.

It took me some time to make the move, but as of today I can say this was the only solution we had. My children are much better settled now and have a quiet and balanced life. They see their father regularly and things go ok. I do worry when they go there, but at the end of the day I prefer for them to see him even if I have no much visibility on his health. He has an official girlfriend… she used to be one of our common friends. I am pretty sure she takes coke too. But maybe she brings him the help he never accepted from me. Who knows …?
I still cry some days. I also started dating and have a sex life again… after years of being left aside. I practice rowing. I paint again. I feel wonderful physically. Mentally I still need to work on myself. Mainly to understand why I accepted my ex lies and verbal abuse for so many years.
As I am a Christian I do pray daily for my ex, for his recovery. I hope one day he will get out of the denial.
Some people do recover… like from alcoholism. So we need to keep hope for them, for our children. Also to get that assurance back that the part of our marriage before addiction was genuine and that this was all a life accident.
So. Even if you leave it doesn’t mean you are abandoning him… Choosing is never losing. It is doing what is best for you and the kids. Raising the children away from his struggles is probably best for you. Children deserve a happy mum and a peaceful home. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other one… just that you will focus on yourself to find the strength to raise the kids. Shift the energy. And then happy children and happy mother of the children would probably be one of the best therapy for your ex.
I know it is hard. Take the time. But in any case don’t wait for any coming out from your hubby as it might never come. As scary as it seems.

Be confident and trust your own instinct.

[knupssy]

Dear all,

i wanted to write tonight as it has been two years and a half since I wrote my post.

Since then I have moved back to France and I am

now divorced. I had to spend the first year at my parents with my three kids. I was hard. But I found a job and got the divorce acted. It took two years dur to COVID etc.

My ex sees the kids for most half terms. He is in his third relationship since I left, but seems to settle with the last one…

I am very frustrated as I have no visibility on his addiction. I know finances are catastrophic but he does pay the allowance.
Another issue is that he still threats me often and is still in full denial. He never recognised the fact that he was a cocainoman. I suspect his girlfriend takes some too but again … I have no visibility.
I am always stressed when kids go spend time with him. Even if I know it is good for them to see their father, my eldest is now 14… so I wonder what will happen when he is old enough to party with his dad. How does that work? Will he offer him some coke?
I am also worried for my allowance as I never know how is my ex doing with his job etc.
Moreover I just worry for my children’s father health. I know it shouldn’t be my worry anymore… but I spent 17 years with him. So yes I do care.

Overall, my new start has been a success. I feel much happier now. I breathe again. I am free. I found new joys in my life. It is such a wonderful feeling. I am sad of course for my children and not to be in a marriage anymore… but I am thankful I survived that very heavy ordeal.

[knupssy]

It is very hard.

I am leaving in just 4 weeks now. Trying to do on civil mode. We have 3 kids, and he agreed for me to move with them abroad. I have been now preparing the move for 3 months. Lots of paperwork…

We signed a separation agreement early October but as he is unemployed he still hasn’t paid the lump sum neither did he take me out the mortgage he soon won’t be able to pay. It stresses me a lot.

But my family helps me a lot and I am moving to a country where the social benefits are really helpful… it will help me start fresh.

I still love him deeply but I am also very angry and mostly sad. It’s an unbearable pain. Especially as we are still cohabitating… but with children in the picture i have to take it step by step.

He continues to try to make me feel guilty of everything 🙁 So unfair…

But I try to repeat to myself that this is a different person. Hard.

[knupssy]

Thank you for your words.

Yes, it is the hardest part. I wonder what will be the future…

But I must get children out of there.

Breaking my heart 🙁

[knupssy]

Very similar. I have decided to move away to get a chance for the children to not witness all this mess. They have seen enough.

My main issue is that he blames me for everything. I had couple of angry episodes and crossed the line in terms of violence. Which I regret deeply. But at that time I didn’t know and I was frustrated by his behavior and very tired. I have been taking care of the children pretty much on my own for the past 5 years while he has a successful career and had a lot of fun doing his work (including the party drugs, which I wasn’t aware of). But then he lost his job and everything collapsed. I didn’t know about the drugs and I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get up in the morning. Combination of depression, drug use, unemployment etc…

But I think at the end of the day even if it explains this strange behaviour, the behaviour is still unacceptable for a father of three… I absolutely adored him, he made me laugh, was a great husband and father.

I miss the real him so much. But I am starting to understand that this real him is gone and might never be back. It hurts a lot. We did so much damage to each other now. Such a waste.

It took me some time to decide to move, but he asked for the separation in August and I tried many times to make him come clean with no success.

I just confronted him again tonight as I had to tidy up the recycling bin and showed him the huge amount of bottles as well as the cocaine party box I found. But he continues to deny… I guess because of the custody.

But I don’t want to use this against him in a court case… I don’t want any court case at all! I just want him to come to realization that this is wrong and that he needs help… I want a father for our children.

[knupssy]

Hi,

I have posted my story few weeks ago. My husband is still denying his addiction. I found some cocaine in his pocket a month and a half ago. We have 3 kids, married for 16 years.

My hubby has been acting weird for few years, but I thought it was just work stress, booze… He lost his job last February and since then it has been just worse and worse. He can’t get up before 4pm most days. Disappears for the whole night few days a week. There is a pattern.

We are now separated but still living under the same roof. I am moving abroad in five weeks. Can’t wait! He signed the authorisation fir custody.

But he still still didn’t come out. I guess because of the custody. He wants a no fault divorce… not sure what he wants really.

I found viagra and cialis … condoms. He says it’s to use with his sex toys. So humiliating. He hasn’t been able to have erections quite often for over a year before we started sleeping in different rooms. Now, I guess it’s not my business but of course it hurts a lot. I still love him deeply 🙁

He takes anti-depressants and diapazan as well… Sudafed. All the cocktails. Refuses to go see a proper GP. He uses the at hand app. Had a therapy for two months and the guy didn’t see anything.

This is so frustrating not to be able to do anything. I want my children to have a father 🙁

I am so concerned for his health that I often go check he is breathing in the middle of the night. When he is there… most days I find him at 5.30 am drinking champagne in his office… alone.

Few days ago he had another episode when he seems lucide in the middle of the night and restless. Says he had vivid dreams…

I have stopped trying to confront him. I am concentrating on getting out of here with the kids. But my curiosity is still unsatisfied. I need to know the truth…

I am most worried about the combination of cocaine, diazepam and viagra plus anti-depressant .., and knowing he get those either prescribed or on black market and not giving the full health information to whoever takes his GP at hand call.

All very sad and stressful 🙁

[knupssy]

Hi,

Very similar. Kids 12, 8 and 5.

Yes he agreed to full custody. He says he will visit during weekend and half terms, but I really doubt it.

We told children we are moving due to financial issues. But my kids understand much more than we imagine. My 5 year old few weeks ago took the phone to talk to his dad “papa have you been drinking a lot of wine?”… and my eldest asked if papa is an alcoholic.

But my worry is that as for now, until we move he lives with us in a separate room, they still see him as usual waking up at 3pm. He likes to spend a bit of time with them talking about science, but I can see now that even in these moments he is under the influence of substances. Talks loudly and fast. He also screams a lot at them and me when he gets up.

It is all very tiring.

My second issue is that it is very hard to sit there and do nothing. I understand what everyone says about focusing on myself and children, but it is so painful to see him like this. It is so hard to accept the marriage is over etc.

And whenever we talk about the financial part of our separation he starts yelling at me … he refused to have a mediation and gets angry when I talk to a lawyer. Threatening me to call the police for domestic abuse…

He does have few moments of lucidity. He did ask for forgiveness few times. But he refuses to admit his addiction and the financial side of it, nor his now severe health issues. I only asked him to talk to his therapist about it and his GP, but he started yelling at me…

Novembre will be very long.

He wants us to spend Christmas together but really it will all be very hard.

I love him so much still. Which is the most difficult part.

[knupssy]

Thank you for your warm words.

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