[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Hope you’re keeping well. So Xmas is nearly upon us. Years gone by this was fraught with danger when time stood still and any reason for a good session. I know you’ve used Xmas as an event marker to stop you making any difficult decision so you carry on with business as usual. Xmas will soon be come and gone, guess then it’s what do you do next?

You may of course be wonderfully happy and don’t want anything to change but something tells me this isn’t case. You’re truly in control of your own destiny here and question is where do you steer the ship? Don’t be the one that gets trampled all over after reassurances are provided. The time of words is over, only actions can talk now

[kulstar]

LauraDee, why do you feel bad? You gave him another chance and he simply disregarded it. Sounds like someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility or change at all. I’m a recovering addict btw so am all too familiar with this process. You shouldn’t feel terrible, trust me, you don’t want an addict in your life who continually nods his head in agreement then picks up hours later. He’s clearly chosen his path for now and if you meant anything he’d comeback with a refreshed attitude. If he doesn’t you have your answer.

Sounds to me as if you rescued him from the depths of despair and this is how he repays you? Good on you for taking decisive action, regardless of Xmas or not. No event in the calendar is worth sacrificing your happiness for or not taking action unless that event will change that individual for the good

[kulstar]

Hi Vivian

This isn’t about comparisons (in the nicest possible way btw!). Everyones suffering is unique to them and your opening statement on 8th Nov 2022 reads very differently to your last. Addicts have an art of manipulation (excuse my bluntness, as a recovering addict I gained a PHd in manipulation) whereby they create illusions and you end up with the conclusion that all isn’t bad. I always in this type of scenario ask Would I want my son/ daughter to end up with x? (x being the addict)

No chance. You’ve mentioned all the money he has goes into coke, what else could that money be used for? You might state you don’t know but you know it could be put to better use. We all know cocaine is terrible for your respiratory system, mixing it with all the others he is currently on surely is a toxic mix.

You mention you don’t do things that normal couples do which is sad. My dear wifey and I tried to do these things and we did. Except I wasn’t in the moment and always wondering about the next hit. We would go out to eat, was I hungry due to the effects of coke, no. Would I drink more than I should, yes I did. Did I make the evening last all night, yes I did. These behaviours aren’t normal. I could never just be in the moment because the moment supplied no hit, always chased the next high which never came. My emotions had become numb to give or receive love due to too much cocaine.

You know you deserve better than this. Don’t fall into the trap of this isn’t perfect but it’ll do. Only you can decide what makes you happy but am sure it’s not this. If he shows no signs of improvement or wanting to stop then how do you know it’ll ever get better? Well here’s the truth, it won’t.

Food for thought, your heart will say stay but logically using your brain can you?

[kulstar]

<p class=”MsoNormal”>Hi Loulou03</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Bless you, its nice hearing that these posts do provide insight and are shared elsewhere (sole purpose of doing this for me). He won’t pass out due to the cocaine, I could drink copious amounts of whiskey and wine (lager was just too weak!) while on it and wouldn’t pass out. When I wanted to pass out I’d stop the coke and just drink for 3/4 hours (what a mad existence).</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Good that’s seeing a counsellor. I completely understand the talking on the phone, my wifey would always say I sounded different and I never quite got what she meant but looking back now it was so obvious. Maybe it was / wasn’t obvious to the person on the other end of the phone but cocaine makes you believe you have super powers. Session by night and operate as normal by day. I’m also in a relatively privileged position at work whereby I could do the bare minimum and it would go unnoticed.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Careful of the impact this has on your 9 year old, my daughter was 9 however luckily things remained relatively calm at home. I created this facade around me (citing mental health, even kidded the Doctors to give me anti-depressants) which excused some of my odd behaviour.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>An addict will always know where his stash is so don’t really buy the don’t it was there explanation, he’s just sorry he got caught. I hear your pain around certain examples where he’s been under the influence, it just becomes the normal go to. I was taking it everywhere (even virtually in plain sight in a playground, I hid behind the bushes and took a line while the kids played) and you lose all sense of normality.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted everything is a good sign. By admission he recognises he has a problem and you can only fix something by knowing it’s broken. Now will be the real test, what will he do with this incredibly powerful step?</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>You have nothing to think of in regards to how you are towards him. He’s betrayed you and destroyed your trust. It’s up to HIM to fix this. With my admission I know it was for me make amends. He has to do this for himself without thinking of others around him, this will provide everlasting change because he’s done it for himself and no one else. The only thing you can really do is take each day at a time. This will take days, weeks and months. Citing my timeline it took my wifey a month or so to believe I was changing. She had doubts and probably there is still a very little part of her that thinks this may come crashing down but this voice is drowned out constantly, with my / our existence now.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted – I can’t underline how powerful a step this is and letting go at this juncture may not be the best timing. If my wifey let go when I came out then we wouldn’t be experiencing the love and happiness we have now. Life when charted should show a positive upward trend and there will be blips along the way however if these blips are relatively short then the growth that can come out of these negative experiences really is offset (plus some) with the positivity that can come out it.</p>
Stay Blessed

[kulstar]

<p class=”MsoNormal”>Hi Loulou03</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Bless you, its nice hearing that these posts do provide insight and are shared elsewhere (sole purpose of doing this for me). He won’t pass out due to the cocaine, I could drink copious amounts of whiskey and wine (lager was just too weak!) while on it and wouldn’t pass out. When I wanted to pass out I’d stop the coke and just drink for 3/4 hours (what a mad existence).</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Good that’s seeing a counsellor. I completely understand the talking on the phone, my wifey would always say I sounded different and I never quite got what she meant but looking back now it was so obvious. Maybe it was / wasn’t obvious to the person on the other end of the phone but cocaine makes you believe you have super powers. Session by night and operate as normal by day. I’m also in a relatively privileged position at work whereby I could do the bare minimum and it would go unnoticed.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Careful of the impact this has on your 9 year old, my daughter was 9 however luckily things remained relatively calm at home. I created this facade around me (citing mental health, even kidded the Doctors to give me anti-depressants) which excused some of my odd behaviour.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>An addict will always know where his stash is so don’t really buy the don’t it was there explanation, he’s just sorry he got caught. I hear your pain around certain examples where he’s been under the influence, it just becomes the normal go to. I was taking it everywhere (even virtually in plain sight in a playground, I hid behind the bushes and took a line while the kids played) and you lose all sense of normality.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted everything is a good sign. By admission he recognises he has a problem and you can only fix something by knowing it’s broken. Now will be the real test, what will he do with this incredibly powerful step?</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>You have nothing to think of in regards to how you are towards him. He’s betrayed you and destroyed your trust. It’s up to HIM to fix this. With my admission I know it was for me make amends. He has to do this for himself without thinking of others around him, this will provide everlasting change because he’s done it for himself and no one else. The only thing you can really do is take each day at a time. This will take days, weeks and months. Citing my timeline it took my wifey a month or so to believe I was changing. She had doubts and probably there is still a very little part of her that thinks this may come crashing down but this voice is drowned out constantly, with my / our existence now.</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”></p>
 
<p class=”MsoNormal”>The fact that he’s admitted – I can’t underline how powerful a step this is and letting go at this juncture may not be the best timing. If my wifey let go when I came out then we wouldn’t be experiencing the love and happiness we have now. Life when charted should show a positive upward trend and there will be blips along the way however if these blips are relatively short then the growth that can come out of these negative experiences really is offset (plus some) with the positivity that can come out it.</p>
 

Stay Blessed

 

[kulstar]

Hi Jinn54

Until he starts to take responsibility for his actions then there isn’t much you can do. You can only paint a picture (the carrot) of how life could be and it’s up to him whether or not he wants this picture to become reality. I had a vision going back over 2 years ago (before I stopped) of how life could be yet I found the pull of cocaine too strong and continued on this path until it was nearly too late.

This is where the stick came into it. My wifey had had enough and it appeared so had I. I’d had enough of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the lying, the manipulation, the sneaking around.

Now in terms of the support this has to come with love and compassion to begin with but addicts will often misuse this to their own selfish advantage to carry on using. If they go on this path then the stick is the only option you’re left with. It’s up to them to see how badly they want to change.

[kulstar]

Hi JamesB

Good to hear from you. You’re right, addicts aren’t bad people, there’s a great person inside just wanting to break free from the shackles of their addiction of choice. You mention Xmas being a difficult time, I am by no means underplaying your struggle when I say what I’m going to say. This is the first Xmas I am genuinely excited for as I feel liberated. I am no longer thinking of the days between Xmas and New Years as a week to get off my face. It will be a time to cherish, admire and be grateful for all that I have.

I guess my change has been about embracing a new way of life and carrying no baggage of what life used to be like. I don’t recognise how I could ever go back there (you always have to take one day at a time however to keep yourself in check). Don’t get me wrong, just because I say I don’t recognise it does it mean it isn’t still there, the scars of yday prepare me for a better tomorrow. If I carried on the way I was going this would have truly been utterly devestating with no end game but the inevitable (alone, depressed and potentially death) to occur.

All of the above has been due to a complete change in my DNA.What are my guiding principles and values – what line (pardon the pun) cannot be crossed? What do I stand for in this world? Do I portray the best version of myself? If not then what I can do to change this?

Where we take a slightly different view is there’s only so much love and support you can provide. Addicts have to suffer the consequences of their selfish actions. They maybe ill but they cannot hide behind this forever. There comes a point where Tough Love has to come into its own. I see so many seemingly loving individuals on this site who just want their partner back. This breaks my heart. But no, the addict continously numbs their emotions rather than facing the world. Once it starts to take its toll on innocent individuals who didn’t sign up for the long term struggle is where I lose a certain degree of compassion for the addict. My wife put up with it for far too long. My kids weren’t really directly effected as I still functioned but they weren’t getting the best of me.

Addicts are given chance after chance yet they fall back because inbetween periods of them being clean they still can’t work on themselves. With each chance the mental degradation of the loved one is increased as it’s filled with hope, fear and a known unknown. If you don’t work on yourself the perils of addiction will get you. It all comes down to how much do you want it?

As addicts JamesB we’d have done all the inconceivable things known to man out of our own selfishness. We have to take responsibility for this and decide if this is what we want to do continously or are we better than this?

Love bro

[kulstar]

Morning All

How are we all getting on? Thought I’d quickly check in.

Kulstar

[kulstar]

Aaww bless you Navy. Don’t worry about posting or anything like that, you’ve got something called life to resolve!

When you’re on the other side (like me hopefully forever) it’s frustrating to see addicts behaviour having such a disheartening effect on their loved ones. We don’t really realise how much pain our loved ones are going through. I often have thoughts about my poor wife going to bed on her own every night while I stayed downstairs sniffing and drinking. I think of all those occasions when I was there but I wasn’t really. All those times I took my kids out because I couldn’t let them down but again still sniffing. It’s purely a selfish behaviour and I was doing all I could to not look in the mirror. Addicts have to confess to themselves they’ve got a problem and that what could happen (separation, loneliness) is happening. Then the real test begins, are you willing to give it all up so you can carry on sniffing or are you going to walk a more blessed path?

[kulstar]

His septum if it has a hole in it won’t repair itself. Depending on how bad it is he may require surgery.

This is the truth you don’t want to hear. He’s not serious about giving anything up, you’re just validating his usage with this caring protecting behaviour. He knows you’ll always be there. This week you’ll sit down with him and tell him how it’s making you feel, didn’t you do this a few weeks ago and maybe months prior to this? Did it have any difference? No. What makes you think it’ll be different this time around?

My apologies for the directness of my message however addicts don’t change without consequence. Longer and longer this whole charade goes on, the more severe the consequence has to be. You have a choice, either let this man lead you to oblivion where you are being severely effected (almost to the point of no return) or you nip it in the bud right now and tell him what’s going to happen next. You can either spend the next 10/20 years babysitting this sorry excuse of a man ruining whatever happiness you had planned as an human being or you take the short term hit (however painful it maybe but not as painful as if you stayed in this situation).

It’s clear he doesn’t want to change, moaning and crying about his mental health, his chest, his nose etc. It’s all self-inflicted because he can’t face up to life. Well, it’s got to the point where someone just needs to turn the music up so he can hear the music.

You’ll become a shadow of your former self if you let this continue meanwhile he’ll continue on this merry path he calls life.

[kulstar]

It probably took the initial effects to where off after about 9-10 days before the routine kicked back in. My energy levels also appeared to be back to normal.

Truth is to feel alive and the damage created to your neurological system takes a good few months before you realise that you’re truly living life free of elevated anxiety or jealousy (or whatever irrational feelings you maybe having).

The physical symptoms where off pretty quickly as the body repairs itself (your body is extremely exhausted after long periods of abuse hence the reason for the sleep). I’m quite lucky in the sense that I’ve always been into the gym so I guess even with the increased heart rate that cocaine brought on, I was still in relatively good shape allowing my body to sustain the intense abuse it that I was imposing  on it.

Now here’s the thing. If he has been clean for a period of time, that devil on his shoulder will forever be present unless he works on self-development. That devil never disappears however it’s voice is very much silenced (heard but silenced). Without working on yourself and recognising your faults and what you can do to work on them to insure you don’t relapse is critical. There’s a phrase that’s often referred to, a dry drunk. This is one who always has to refrain from drinking / abuse while trying to live a sober life. Then I guess there’s my recovery which is to see life for what it is with little or no attraction to alcohol / cocaine because of the deep dive one has to undertake to live a more blessed life.

 

[kulstar]

Eyesight – it will do with the lack of sleep, you can become rather delusional as a result. I used to have flashes but when you go without sleep for 2/3 days at a time I guess what do you expect?

Teeth / Gums. I started to get a receding gum line. This is due to the ear, nose and throat all being connected. The fillers (substances used to maximise the weight of raw coke so it’s more economical to be sold) in cocaine can rot your gums away hence why they recede. Also many addicts (like me) will attest to not brushing their teeth for 2/3 days also as they simply don’t have the capacity to fathom reality anymore.

[kulstar]

I was the same, fidgety and not being able to sit still. My head said I had to sit still but my body couldn’t, the battle was so obvious to see yet I thought I was disguising it, like the emperor wearing clothes when in fact he is completely stark naked. There was many a night when my wife went to sleep on her own, how selfish of me, my life partner forced to go to sleep on her own in our wonderful bed while I was downstairs rotten to the core, sniffing, drinking and watching porn – absolutely hideous.

The amount of self-pity I took on to hide my behaviours was appalling. The lies about a cold, sore throat, mental health etc just kept snowballing to create that barrier that was my behaviour was because little old me just wasn’t well.

The meals – oh lord. I wouldn’t eat for 2 days at times and my go to was unhealthy alternatives. It seemed I had developed a real fetish for crisps, like I wouldn’t eat anything all day and I’d resort to 5/6 packets of crisps, what grown man does this? I’d pretend I had eaten some meals while making the plate look it had been used chucking out whatever I’d eaten in the outdoor bin. There were all other sorts of bizarre habits I developed to create smoke and mirrors. See what I mean by this whole charade becoming exhausting? As I type this it does remind me of the completely erratic and disillusioned behaviour an addict will go to so they can protect their existence.

I guess my reasoning for being here is to help loved ones rationalise the rather irrational behaviour that addicts undertake and to give you hope you are not mad. I made my poor wife feel as if she was losing her marbles. I had become an expert in hiding my usage and being creative in where I left my blood soaked curled up notes and all those cocaine bags (sofa cushions being my best hiding place). Anyway, there isn’t much I don’t know about addiction so if anything I type helps then some good has to come out of what was an enitrely miserable existence.

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

All is well thank you and hope likewise (I know it’s not). I’m not inspirational, damn I didn’t wish I had a story to tell!

By looking after yourself I really meant closing down the ill influences you have in your life. The cause of your anxiety is your partner, if he’s not willing to heal then no matter how good your coping strategy is he’ll continue to mentally drain you. It’s like placing a plaster on a ruptured artery.

You can well and truly function on it which is one of the main reasons why you it’s so dangerous. The comedowns were so bad that that I thought I needed it to function on. The solution wasn’t to continue to using but to to fix my life once and for all facing demons, insecurities and character defects head on. The comedown really starts soon after your last fix which can be 15 minutes or hours depending on your own immunity to it.

I do feel amazing and it’s such a shame that others just daren’t dream a life free of booze and drugs. When you’re in the middle of it you just can’t see the wood from the trees and can never admit you’re an addict. I’m sure there are any that read my posts and can’t accept they are addicts so they can’t change. If only they searched deeper within and prayed for a better life then they might just get it.

[kulstar]

The very last night of my usage the Wifey started pressing me on various things. It all became very heated (my brothers were also at my house). I started to become highly erratic and threw a shot glass which smashed into pieces. My 9 year old daughter caught a glimpse of me from the top of the stairs and I just wanted to leave my home as I didn’t want my kids to see me like this. My wifey called the police who turned up as I was leaving. They couldn’t press charges as I hadn’t actually hit anyone and it was my house that I threw the glass in.

The police bless them then dropped me back to my hotel. I then started my recovery basically sleeping for 3 days straight before my lovely wife picked me up and brought me home. That night when the police dropped me off I just knew I was done. My 2 gorgeous kids, my amazing wifey and then there was me. How did I ever get here? Is this really me I asked myself? No.

I always knew I had much to offer this world, I just got lost on the way. Thou shall seek, shall find. You have to keep looking for that path and it will present itself

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