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Hi
For someone to believe someone made them do it is irrational. This will only apply if literally held a gun to their head and said sniff that else I’ll shoot you which I suspect didn’t happen?!
Only by truly accepting you were to blame for the choices you made can someone’s DNA change. Once you open your heart to acceptance of your wrong doings you then seek to right the wrong. The danger of giving up something for someone else (partner, kids, partners etc) is that what happens if that relationship breaks down or you have a fight? You’re forever walking on eggshells and not being able to express yourself like a relationship should be.
As a former addict my behaviour and my usage was all my doing. I made my bed and slept in it.
Acceptance is the first step, not avoidance as this will be short lived in my view.
Thank you for your kind words about my recovery, some good has to come out of my experience and it’s only right I try and serve as best I can.
You mention he wants to be normal, I know exactly how this feels. I used to look at people just walking, sat at home through their lounge windows (I wasn’t literally staring through peoples windows for clarity!) just relaxing and enjoying watching TV, people at the park (I even did a line behind the bushes while my kids played at the park, how mad is that?!) etc and I just wanted to be content.
Without the coke I felt void of life, nothing would excite me and everything (even washing the dishes) felt like such hard work. The hardest work were the come downs but in reality I’d learnt nothing just to it all again a few days later.
The breakthrough was really when I was tired of it all. It does appear your partner is seeing the effect this is having on him and he no longer wants to continue. I was on this path for about a year, wanting to stop but just not enough.
It’s sad but often severe consequences are required to stop. When I was heavily on it I almost wanted a medical episode to happen to make me stop.
I was lucky, I still have everything and have come out of this (hopefully) a better man. Coke attracted me due it being a middle upper class drug and I was confident I’d never move onto even harder drugs so in reality I knew that if I could conquer this then the world was waiting for me. I mention this because you are afraid of what he might do if you left him. Truth is no one knows, not even him but you taking severe action might just be the wake up call.
You mention the signs, I was doing the exactly same. Pretending and faking my out of it, it became a sad twisted game I was playing with my blessed wife. I never really got angry though as I always knew deep down somewhere this was all my own doing.
Btw ask anything and I’ll try to respond in the most authentic way possible.
Hi Elf73
Yes, the common threads amongst the various life stories is slightly disconcerting. However it does make it slightly easier to deal with.
The fact that you say he knows you know and is trying harder is a good sign. He just hasn’t that lightbulb moment that cocaine is very short term (in many different senses!). I remember when my wife basically told me to go away for the night and clear my head I was quite excited really, it meant I could do what I wanted…except really I wanted to be normal. This was literally the final days of my sniffing / drinking escapades. What would’ve happened if she had just tried to carry on as normal? Who knows…
One thing is for certain, those few days I tried to mask me being away from my family by drinking more and sniffing more. I had more bags than Pablo Escobar but yet I had this desire to just be at home and I knew I was done with it. This is the effect of consequence, every action I took had a reaction within me. The more evil I consumed the greater the pull of the good. I see it now as a battle of good v bad, I was blessed the good won.
Now it isn’t for me to tell you what to do and as you say you could make it worse but what’s the alternative? He has to know his behaviour is not acceptable and he has to stop for him, not for you or your love else he’ll always be at risk of relapsing.
You say you’ve read many posts and hopefully you’ve come across my posts before. His emotions are cold and without rationale due to the drug. That’s just what it does and exploits the deepest darkest parts of your very being. It’s down to him to figure out what side he wants to be on, the Beast or the Spirit?
Hi Navy
I’m great thanks and thanks for your kind words.
Yes I understand particular situations / dates / events can be traumatic but NEVER an excuse to use again. I’ve often thought what would I do if faced with especially difficult times. I’ve replayed certain times in my life when I might be tempted.
Truth is unless we deal with ourselves and stop blaming others or relying on their unconditional love we’re always at risk. This is where a deep dive is required of one’s psyche. My aim was not only to stop using cocaine and drink alcohol but it was also to question myself.
You have to look within you and question your own principles and values. You have to be strong enough to face whatever life throws at you. Sometimes we can be grief stricken which is normal but we have to deal with it.
Only you can decide how you love him and some behaviours can be forgiven given the circumstances. However by the same token he needs to deal with any traumas he has head on. Many of us carry our baggage around with us letting it effect our lives.
Not many of us decide to let it go and see the positive in such traumas. I don’t know the relationship between your hubby and his Father but could he not celebrate the good of the relationship he had with him?
Some might think I live in an ever present too positive a bubble, I say you’re scared to face the trauma head on.
We all have choices to make, how would his Father want him to behave?
Stay blessed Navy ????????
Hi Missx
Truth is although the compliments are well received and well intentioned I did this to a better man. I should never have ended up where I did and I shouldn’t be in recovery. I’ve selfishly (I know this sounds odd) recovered and live the life I want to live for me. This all has a positive ripple effect I guess.
Stay blessed ????????
Hi Missx
My rock bottom was very personal in that missing my son’s first football match aged 6 (he’s still 6 btw!) after having supported him through training hurt more than words can describe. I was away with a bottle of whiskey and bags of cocaine. I never thought my selfish ways would ever effect my children. I’ve always doted on them but it made me realise over the past couple of years as my intake increased how much I was there for them but not really, I was only there in body not spirit.
Your support as well intentioned as it is acts as a safety net for him. I faked mental health for my irrational behaviour, even taking anti-depressants for 6 months (what a doucebag I know!).
My comedowns weren’t enough for me to stop, whats the saying, you can’t comedown if you carry on which is exactly what I did.
What you do with your support is up to you but I know full well that an individual as to really want to change within. If that means you leave them to it until they reach the depths of despair so they are responsible for their actions then thats up to you. Of course the danger here is you basically leave them for dead as they up their substance abuse, I can’t make that call.
I just knew that in reality no one was left to save me but me. Call it luck, call it intuition but I knew I deserved a better me. Through this the world would see the best version of me.
You walking away might just be the wake up call he needs but again only for you to judge. Whilst he’s pinning his hopes on detox he needs to feel, like really feel that he wants to change, thats the biggest advice I can give. He needs to dream, dream big of a life without any mind altering substance (alcohol included) and imagine whats possible then work backwards in baby steps to see how he achieves this.
I can’t imagine what it’s like being clean for 10 years and then relapsing. For me even a 0% beer is a sign I’m slipping. He must remind himself of what life was like during that period (look at photos, relive memories etc). The pull of coke is strong and hijacks your brain. I hope he didn’t live 10 years of a miserable existence while always craving coke.
Key to my recovery is my life looks completely different to that of when I was using. I can’t do half the things I do now if I was on it hence why there is no going back. My wife expects a certain type of hubby now, my kids expect a Daddy who is always in the moment, my family expect the cheery life and soul of a man that I am, the kids I coach football to expect me to be on form etc.
Might be worth revisiting some of my posts to gain additional insight.
Cruel to be kind might be a phrase you might want to let sink in. We all have it within us, it just depends on how much you want it
Navy
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR AND YOU’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!
The Manchild that is your hubby needs to man up and grow a pair. He can’t accept any responsibility and he’s dragging you down.
Before you support him he needs to support himself. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.
He’s blaming you as endorsement of continued use of drugs. I kidded myself that my life was so miserable that I needed to keep using. That was utter tripe, my life and all those in it were beautiful but it was I who chose to deliberately and intentionally deluded myself to continue abusing cocaine.
I wish I could grab you and give you a great big hug, in the same vein I wish I could reach out to your hubby and deliver some cold hearted facts. He won’t register them at this stage though because nothing is his fault.
Don’t sob Navy, if anything save yourself first. Whatever that looks like I don’t know but your man has to suffer the consequences of making you feel like this.
Hey Lindyloo
15 months clean is brilliant. He’s taking ownership which is amazing. Well done lad, you keep going strong.
The battle, aaww main thing is he’s fighting. I’m only into my 7th month but I’ve been reminded its not about the quantity but the quality of the recover. It should really become easier as you get a different perspective of life. I’ve tried to create a new blessed path of living. I do so much more now with the time I have available and it sounds like your boy is doing the same.
Talking to others who are in it also helps as it just reminds you that the path you are on is privileged.
Just wanted to pass on a message to your lad and say keep it up bro, you’ve got this and you just never know what life will bring you if you keep walking along this journey
Hi Navy
Right, I understand now!
The situation is more precarious than I thought. I thought he had accepted he had a problem and was trying to come clean.
If this has been forced upon him then great at least he maybe able to seek clarity regarding his past. A little concerned that he doesn’t appear to be taking ownership of this.
You won’t need me to tell you but its down to the individual so please don’t beat yourself up about what a grown man decides to do.
Please check back in and let us know how it goes.
Good Luck
Thank you LX for mentioning me. Much appreciated ????????
Navy, pleased to meet you (albeit not under the circumstances you’d like). So it’s your hubby’s first week and congrats to him for taking the step. Now….bear in mind he’s relied on cocaine to channel his emotions or more like numb them. Now he’s facing life head on so deserves credit for taking his first steps. This is where I will slightly differ maybe from the consensus. He’s got to have the fight within him to recognise what’s going on, he’s got to dig deep and keep facing life. If you give him enduring love and support him all the way he might think well I fall off and relapse she’ll be here anyway. He’s got to face the consequences and he’s got reignite the fire within him to life a blessed life.
At the start it’s very much like anything new, it demands attention to detail and he’s got to keep practicing all the basics without the influence of substances.
Now you may ask, but all he’s doing is everyday things and he’s struggling with these. Well it’s probably been a while since he’s done these things naturally no matter how small it maybe. In my first week I was an absolute mess, crying, couldn’t / didn’t want to get out of bed, not brushing my teeth, not showering, eating excessively or none at all etc. It’s all part of the detox.
The bit about the friends. So what if no one calls him? This journey has to be his which he owns. By owning his journey he’ll present the best version of himself to the world and in time he’ll gain a new circle of friends through the vibes he’ll give off.
You’re walking on egg shells? Remind me what you’ve done wrong in this? He should be the one repenting and feeling remorseful. This is the truth no matter how much you love him. He has to make amends, not you. Support him yes however he has to accept his wrongs. My wife in the first couple of weeks didn’t really show much support, why would she? I was the cokehead who lied and became a narcissist master of manipulation. How dare I insist my wifey should walk around on eggshells.
Navy, continue doing what your doing. Don’t shower him though with too much support, it is he who must earn that precious love once more in my very honest humble opinion
That’s ok. I guess I’m on the extreme end of where I was previously but only through absintance do you seek clarity and direction.
Problem is half measures don’t cut it, I went through this with my dear wife. Support, love etc however actually reality was it meant nothing until I wanted to change which only happened through severe conseqeunces. Whats the saying, cruel to be kind?
That person needs to grab life by both hands and steer the tanker towards a completely different direction. Sadness of it all is that there is a wonderful life waiting for all of us, we’re just blindsided with the baggae of alcohol and drugs. Blame it on whatever you want however really is you to blame. We all have it within us to change…
In no uncertain terms YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.
Your nagging, arguing, throwing him out is as a result of HIS ACTIONS. Sorry for the block caps but the responsibility for all of this lies with him. Every action has a reaction, his actions have been negative so as a result your reaction has been negative. If his actions are rewarded positively by you he will never learn and continue on this ill path.
He is to some degree aware of right from wrong hence the short term normal behaviour so he can brush his previous negative actions under the carpet. I used to do the same, when I had been up all night sniffing while my beautiful family slept upstairs and my wife would come down in the morning I’d act like I had slept and all was normal. I’d do the usual normal morning routine (I’d even drive to the gym and log in so there was a record of me going to the gym – of course all I did was log in and come straight back out!).
I’d even sit there on my laptop pretending to work when she came downstairs. There were so many things I did that appeared normal but overtime my behaviour became more and more bizarre which then fuelled my wife’s behaviour towards me.
Now when I reflect, how else did I expect her to respond? I was simply taking the absolute mickey out of my wife’s love towards me. I was playing an evil game of seeing how much I could get away with, that’s no way for a man to behave.
Your points about numbness are spot on which is the point I’ve been trying to across.
Love can blind individuals and don’t be blinded by your man’s choices, he made them and now he has suffer the consequences. You can only help those who want to be helped and they have to accept they have a problem, not you…
Hi Lece13
Any mind numbing / changing substance (alcohol included) has the ability to change the neurological pathways within our brains. So ie the risk reward system is altered to such an extent that you can’t see the damage you are causing. Also to the point of how you’re negative behaviour is being rewarded internally. I also refer to this is as Beast v Spirit.
We all know what sane individuals who have loved behave like. Once the substance of choice takes control it then alters this person perception of what is acceptable or not. Like for example I now perceive my previous behaviour as downright deplorable and completely unacceptable. Back then I was still me in the same body however because the substance had taken hold I couldn’t see the truth of my behaviour until I had my epiphany. The reality then became all so clear. I was using because I was actually broken inside and looked to blame external circumstances for my ill conceived choices.
When I talk of emotions being numbed the person taking such substances doesn’t feel what we would normally do. Like now I know I didn’t give my children their best Dad, now it seems it like such behaviour would be completely alien.
Also emotions – there’s a lot to be said about giving good vibes off which you receive back. I wasn’t able to register any positive vibes other than that found in a line of coke. I had forgotten how to love and what love looked like.
Once you see the beauty in the world you receive positive emotions back all day from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep. It’s all about tuning into the right wavelength or frequency of emotion, once you get that right, life is more amazing than you could ever imagine.
When he turns up seemingly normal there is a struggle internally as he knows yesterdays behaviour was unacceptable but he can’t face the truth so just behaves normally to get over what he should be facing.
Once I accepted who I was there was never any resentment towards my wife. She put up with all my baggage but finally she had enough and rightly so, no one deserves to be treated in such a way, she just wanted the family life we’ve always had, was this too much to ask?
I’m forever grateful towards my wife every minute of every day for her allowing me to still be a part of my amazing family.
It was me with the problem, not her, what had she done wrong in any of this? It was I who created the toxic vibes that in turn effected her. All she wanted was love and I wasn’t providing it, even if she was my numbed emotions wouldn’t feel them.
I am blessed because she is an absolute diamond and it was all my fault. One has to accept their wrongs in their entirety and once they have they can start to our things right.
Now that I’m back the love I feel, the positive energy given out attracts such energy back.
Make no bones about it though, I did this for myself so I controlled my own happiness and the world could then see the best version of me. If I did it for anyone else what would happen if I fell out with that person.
Acceptance for one’s actions is key, without it we blame others which is unfair and won’t provide contentment or as I look to call it, forever happiness.