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I have ruined tonight because I have the audacity to talk to people on here. My bad, I didn’t see that my actions were so detrimental to everyone else’s lives! Everything has been good, he’s still sober but I am waiting for the time he is not. He is re-enacting Xmas lunch tomorrow, doesn’t want me to help him. He’s huffing coming in the kitchen every now and then because I started messaging again on here. He’s had no alcohol I admit to having a couple glasses of wine. Am I totally shit because I’ve done that, he’s not angry about the wine just that I’m talking on here. Suddenly I don’t know what to think it do and that I am bad.
Lol he wasn’t so much thinking of hunting someone down, more paranoid someone could hunt me down I think ha. The paranoid bit is frustrating for me but just the repercussions of abusing yourself with alcohol over a period rather than a complete norm for him. He has always been a little jealous to be fair but some of the crap he’s come out with the last few days has been laughable, just as well I have a sense of humour. He lost his wedding ring putting the rubbish out two nights ago so had to bring it all back in and spent an hour searching through rubbish yesterday, he was quite upset at losing it at the time and I just had a chuckle to myself haha. He did find it eventually.
That’s the trouble you feel totally unappreciated, you’ve spent time and money and put your heart into something that you considered your future with her. It will feel quite devastating at the moment. But I am glad you’re enjoying your furlough, life didn’t furlough me because I’m not disciplined enough to be as proactive like you lol. Sleeping any better? We’ve just moved to tier 4 restrictions today so life is getting tougher to do things, assuming you’re probably the same as most of the country is in 4 now, shocking year generally without the crap we’ve had on top. I’d ask if you’re doing anything nice for new year’s but that would be a joke in itself! I’ll just be glad to get to 2021 and have a degree of hope it’ll be better.
I imagine your lady, if she still is, will probably see it in in some style, well haze anyway. I have a sober repentant man here at the moment, he’s attended meetings every night, got a sponsor and I’ve spoken with a social worker that called and she was satisfied I’ve protected the girls and that he’s just useless when he drinks rather than angry and abusive – all true – so she’s closed the case. I did tell her if it ever came to a choice between him and the girls there is no contest!
I can honestly tell you when he had his last spell of shiteness he bestowed upon himself and us, I snap shot every message, that I and only I only posted as I wanted him to know how I felt, and he never once mentioned anything I said afterwards. He’s annoyed I’m talking to people on here and says that I have friends that I can talk to so don’t need to do it, it’s untrustworthy and you could track down where I am and who I am – not just you, the lovely lady I was speaking to in November, the sex doesn’t matter as they could be lying!
Truth is if I speak to my friend as I was this evening that he has met many times, while he was on an zoom call for AA, he doesn’t like that either. It’s the disease of addiction I suppose.
Being furloughed must have been a blessing in so many ways with what you are going through as it’s exhausting, but what has kept me going is I have to get up for work and carry on regardless, it’s a double edged sword really and definitely no winning for us. Tired, have to keep moving, shattered and don’t know how to, somehow we just do. X
I assume you have time off work at the moment due to Christmas period? It’s easy to get into a habit of late nights and sleeping in if you can’t get to sleep at night and then don’t have work the next morning to keep your routine. I’m in the same routine at the moment and will be shattered when I’m back to work again on the 4th.
You sound tired in your words.
It seems that they have to be selfish to aid their recovery, and I understand that you have to help yourself before you can help others, but when they are hell bent on destroying theirs and everyone else’s they are also being incredibly selfish, it seems that they are just allowed to be selfish and that’s ok. Explaining how what they have done has damaged us, is apparently not helpful to them so we have to essentially put up with whatever happens. It’s bizarre how everything basically seems to revolve around them.
He pays the rent yes but the money we have in the bank is to pay for rent and bills in a few days time so if he screws up before his following payday it’s the homeless shelter, I think the kids are more important than him and he has no access to the money now, harsh maybe.
Hopefully he will stick with it but I will not be holding my breath. He doesn’t approve of my speaking on here either, he seems to think it’s some date site and not anonymous at all, it’s just the brain that’s lagging now evidently!
We had the first ‘normal’ day in a week or so, played monopoly with the kids, he hasn’t drunk and he went to a meeting tonight. I’ve told him if he misses a meeting I’m finding him alternative accommodation, not just if he drinks but if he steps off from help. Then the conversation was ‘so you’re going to kick me out of the house I pay for’ (rented by the way) and so I told him he won’t need to pay for it as I will do it myself, get help with benefits, I work full time as well and I will rent out a room so I don’t need his money at all. To be honest I’d rather be skint as a single mum again than go through this continuing cycle, I’ve done it before and I can do it again not a problem! Then it was just him suggesting that I just want to move another man in and replace him, such crap.
The other thing he’s been going on about is that 17 years ago I was drugged and raped by a guy I worked with – not that long after my first alcoholic relationship ended, I put myself in situations and so blamed myself and never reported it. He’s repeatedly asking who the guy is so he can ‘sort him out ‘ it’s just trying to deflect again from what he’s done, I know that but it’s horrible being questioned and feeling cheap and nasty having to relive what happened.
Yes they are definitely the victims and always will be!
How’s the sleep going? Any better?
He just turned up at 10pm last night, I’d told him to stay in as long as possible, he says they discharged him. I no longer want him to open his mouth because I suspect lies all the time and silence feels easier.
The house couldn’t be more alcohol free but I found myself in the night thinking, shit my bag has cash and my cards in there! So got up and hid it in the freezer. The kids have Christmas money here as well so I need to get it stashed away somewhere, I’d never think he could stoop as low as that before but now I wouldn’t put anything passed him. So I’ve ended up with him home, I’ve told him I’m contacting the homeless shelter if he slightly messes up and doesn’t attend the meetings he’s supposed to go to let alone starts drinking. I guess I’ll just have to see if I can ever view him as anything but a parasite going forward, he has a chance to sort himself out but I don’t have any confidence he will.
You have remained strong this time in spite of your upset over feeling you are losing it all, the home you’ve built with the intent of living there one day and the support you have given time and again to her and the children, you are an true gentleman and man far above what feel I married. She will lose you and hopefully reality will set in, but I doubt it as I don’t think they know anything about reality and if they get the slightest whiff of it they decide to dive into the pits of their addiction so they don’t have to deal with it.
To share something funny and make you laugh. Apparently when he got to hospital he fell out the ambulance, must of dropped his phone and the the ambulance drove over it! That did actually make me chuckle and an added bonus it prevented him messaging and calling me, maybe there is intervention after all lol.
Yes he’s projecting his blame alright. So today he’s tried contacting aa, turning point etc and nobody is answering apparently. I went to the shop to get him some juice and returned 15 minutes later to catch him in the act of jimmying open the locked cupboard and drinking alcohol, I lost my shit and then sat down to talk to him. During our conversation the same thing happened where he’s vacant not blinking and then the stomach cramping the hospital had managed to stop started again. Once again I called an ambulance and he is in hospital, they don’t know what the episodes are and have called to ask what happened today so I explained everything.
I think I quit and don’t care anymore it’s not my issue anymore I will not have this anymore enough is enough. I’m about to take some bits to the hospital for him and tomorrow I will try to find him a homeless shelter. The doctor said that when he comes out he will probably need to drink, I said but he drinks and then has an episode so I will just call an ambulance and send him back to you and so the cycle will continue so he needs to stay in and should never have discharged himself last night.
I am not going to continue repeating this he has to lose everything and quite frankly I no longer give a rats ass. Amen
I’m so bloody angry. He’s actually had the audacity to ask me if I’ve been online looking for another man!! Yeah because I’ve had nothing else to do apart from think about screwing somebody else!! And then he’s moaning about the house not being as tidy as it should be wtf, he’s doing nothing but drink and fester in his own filth for nearly two weeks, done sweet fa to help me, I’ve organised and done Christmas for four kids and bloody mentally and physically exhausted and I’ve not been doing what I should have been doing. Seriously think I’m going to lose my mind.
That’s awful when your brain won’t let you sleep, especially when you’re working the next day. It’s not surprising you are struggling at the moment. How are things at the moment? I believe the last thing you commented was you’d spoken on the phone?
I myself received a call from my husband at 7pm last night, he’s been having really bad seizures in hospital and I was quite upset afterwards worrying he’s going to die so called to speak to his doctor so I could at least try and sleep and they told me he’d had another since I’d spoken to him but not a long one and he was settled to sleep. I felt reassured. Then at 1am he called me to say he was discharging himself, I asked him to pass me to the doctor and they said they couldn’t stop him leaving and I needed to come and meet him to make sure he got home ok, in the wind and rain I walked the 5 minutes to the hospital and he got home fine. He’s still in bed now and had no seizures so far. I think I preferred him in hospital, I had plans today and now feel I need to keep an eye on him in case he fits and dies. What a bloody life to lead.
Do you find it harder not knowing what’s going on and so worrying about her and the children more?
I think he always drank heavily at times but never to the extent that he cannot get out of the situation unless he receives medical treatment. I myself can admit as many can that when the shit is hitting the fan and stress is heavy we will self medicate with a couple glasses of wine. I actually stop having a drink when he is drinking, maybe I have to never drink again as that is unhelpful though I do not drink all the time anyway. Maybe he feels truly loved as he says for the first time so feels I won’t leave him, his relationship with his ex was a practical one that was agreed so they could both have a child rather than fell head over heels as we did. Or maybe he’s spun me a load of shit as I no longer trust my own judgement, although I have never been so foolish in other aspects I still wonder if it’s me.
Your family sound amazing! My family are close and supportive in many ways, however my mother has never been able to deal with her feelings properly and has always lost her shit when she is upset, her first go to is to blame me for being stupid rather than supporting me. She was drunk when she came over Xmas eve and was yelling at me and saying she couldn’t understand why I was being so calm. I calmly explained that my Xmas was ruined but it didn’t mean the children’s had to be and if I get upset and angry that would be the result. She continued and continued while helping me wrap the final presents until I eventually broke down and then she softened. She could of said all those things after and just supported the fact I needed to complete Xmas for the kids sake but her feelings came first. I know it’s her way but it stops me reaching out to her.
Yes he works 12 hour days where he can be d&a anytime. He will be sober for weeks sometimes months, he has a vet well paid supervisor job, when the drinking starts he stops going to work and our finances are heavily affected. They are very good at their jobs just unreliable but running at 110% other times! Whilst he does it I have no choice but to keep working or lose more money when I feel like I’m barely clinging on to my sanity I’m forced to work harder because of his addiction.
My husband was abused and had broken bones at 3 years by his mother’s husband and he and his two brothers & two sisters were put into care. He never sounds like he is full of woe about it and says it’s made him the person he is now and sounds positive, I think he maybe kids Himself. He did bad things as a child and youth, spent time in prison and got into a lot of trouble. Nothing like that for over 20 years though. He was with the mother of his children for 13 years and did not behave the way he is now, I know this because she wasn’t allowing him to see the daughter and we went to court two years on the trot to get proper access and she used everything she could for him not to have his daughter, this was not something mentioned and they did checks on him twice to see if there was any welfare issues. Her problem was he left her and she was bitter and used the ‘I’m the mother card’ to stop access and basically hated me and blamed me. If she knew what was going on at the moment she would stop it all. His daughter knows what is going on as he told her a few days ago, she told him she loved him and chooses herself not to mention these things to her mum as she knows she won’t be allowed to come here, and she loves being here.
Last year in January he caught hepatitis A which is a liver virus infection, since then the alcohol has a physical effect on him. I sound as if I am making excuses but that is a fact, after that our troubles began. I believe he has experienced depression and has had a lot going on to deal with as a person a lot of his life, that coupled with the physical issue bestowed upon him last year has equated to catastrophe for us. But it is still no excuse for what he is doing to us.
I actually enjoy listening to depressing music as well lol, I will listen to him and give it a go thank you for the recommendation. I’ve probably heard his music but I’m a bit rubbish with artists names!
It must be so frustrating for you when she tips the scales back and that is where I find they start using whatever it is again, we start noticing those signs of them feeling negative and then eventually realise they are using their drug of choice in secret and it all makes sense. They say it’s because they feel depressed but in truth they did it first as habit and then the real depression hit them full force and here you are again and it’s everyone else’s fault. Talking to you is helping me so much I thank you for being here.
No it’s not the first alcoholic, I was 16 when I moved in with a 23 year old man who was very much a functioning alcoholic, he was horrible to me, mentally abusing me very occasionally physically, it took all I had to leave him and the last time not go back, my self esteem in tatters, he’d poor on emotional guilt and then rewarded me with money and presents when I returned. I promised myself never to allow someone to treat me that way again..
This situation is the same but very different also, my husband is not a functioning alcoholic nor nasty and abusive in that way albeit it still is abusing us as human beings and destroying us, it’s just different.
When I found out my daughter was self harming he immediately hit the bottle, I’ve had people say that maybe as soon as my attention is on someone else he cannot cope so does it to draw my attention back, how selfish would that be if it were true, and I wonder at times if they are right as 4 weeks later my daughters father was told he had kidney cancer, I cried so many tears for him and my husband turned to drink yet again and attention was back on him. I have felt like I am trying to keep literally EVERYTHING together for the kids sake, for finances, I work full time myself it’s not as if I can dedicate my entire week to just surviving I actually have to be responsible and on the ball as an assistant QS and feel like a hamster on a wheel, unable to stop and feel exhausted or anything else because it will all coming crashing around me.
Children will pick up on lots we take for granted. I pay £50 a week for private counselling for my daughter following the self harming and console myself that my husband’s drinking has never been mentioned by her and I have never said to any of the kids they have to keep anything a secret and assume she doesn’t mention it as mostly things are normal and when he drinks he’s just not ‘there’ rather than causing the children chaos. It’s only me that feels the chaos and I keep it inside.
You are right, there must be something in us that makes us feel we can deal with these situations yet both times I’ve been with an alcoholic it was never a choice as it was cleverly hidden from me until i was sucked in and in love, unless it was my blindness to see the signs.
You are so sensible not moving in at least you can retreat to your domain when the lows hit. You seem like such a wonderful man, she is so lucky you have stood by her the way you have, but you’re left feeling foolish and banging your head against a brick wall, same as me.
We are married and live together, other than his daughter he has no family, few friends and nowhere to go. If I throw him out he’s homeless and my daughters will be devastated to lose their step sister and visa versa. Trapped is how I feel, partly because of my heart and partly the practicalities.
The only time we fall out is when the drinking starts otherwise it’s ‘perfect’ and everything I wanted, I must be deluded lol. He’s blamed me to the hospital before for ending up there, saying I won’t let him have alcohol so he’s withdrawing so badly he needs medical attention, the doctors have even called me and told me to give him a litre of vodka minus 10% and then reduce another 10% everyday, I’ve done what they said and he’s still ended up back there, it’s fecked up. Yeah because we are the bad ones…
Hearing your words doesn’t make me feel quite so stupid, because that’s how I feel, stupid and an idiot who has chosen to believe and trust in someone that time again proves me wrong. They say love is blind and they weren’t wrong.
It’s amazing the sober period he had before we married and then other day after our wedding he started drinking again, my family are convinced he was trapping me, I actually question whether he had that thought process but that probably shows you the naive stage I’m still at.
The first ruined occasion you think is just random, the second is surely coincidence, then the pattern starts taking form and I am seeing no good times as the good times are shat all over by them. I feel no choice but to allow him home when he comes out of hospital, I have his daughter here in our home and I just see no other way and I do still love him.
Thank you your words make tots sense and I am glad you have seen your way to your peace, I know how strong I am and will find it too.
It’s true what you are saying and it helped me reading your story and others and knowing I am not alone. I hate that I have to seek solace in this way but it truly helps writing it down and talking to others.
You are not ready to throw in the towel yet and I don’t think I am either. I tell myself I can’t because the girls wouldn’t see each other anymore and it would be upsetting for them but if there were no children I would probably still be here. I’ve never loved anyone as I love him and he is a good man when he is himself.
I have been blindsided recently that everything was ok even though I smelled a rat at times but honestly questioned my own sanity, you have evidently been down that path many times yourself.
He was messaging and calling me in the early hours saying he’d like to come home when he’s released from hospital if I’ll have him. I have no other choice anyway and didn’t tell him he wasn’t welcome in the first place but it’s his own guilt and let’s face it when you’re off your mind on drugs or alcohol you don’t know what’s been said or done.
Last year he was going through a ‘spell’ I was so angry at him and we happened to be going on a prearranged night out for my brothers birthday. There was several of us and plenty of wine and port flowing, I actually had a brilliant time with my family but I was still so angry at him. I had drunk to the point of not remembering ordering a taxi, I apparently argued with the driver about the price and I was in the front seat, my partner grabbed me out the taxi, I’d grabbed hold of the tariff reader cable in the scuffle and accidentally pulled it off, the driver called the police as he thought I was going to be assaulted and because of the damage, he had me on the pavement and I lashed out and broke his finger, I was arrested and locked up for the night. I have never even had a speeding ticket before. I received a conditional caution and was ordered to attend an alcohol awareness course. Can you imagine the irony of the situation. I was so deeply ashamed and still am even though I know it would never of happened if I had not been so angry and upset about him lying saying he was going to work and then sneaking home to get drunk. Now I don’t allow myself to get angry for my own self preservation as that negative emotion can have such a vast effect. It taught me though not to allow his behaviour to affect mine and have to see it as a valuable and extremely ironic lesson that when I shared people usually laugh at. Funny thing is Xmas eve he had the audacity to moan about his finger which is still crooked and somehow draw on my one and only humiliating drunk experience that I took as a lesson and to make me a better person.
I’m hoping for some normal in the next day or two at least having him home so the kids can feel things are as they should be.
Thank you, your words have really helped & I’m wishing for a new year miracle for us both.