[lc100]

So sorry to hear about your situation.

As Hox said, cocaine is a real relationship breaker, it completely changes people.

Hard as it is, you need to focus on you and ensure that you are putting yourself first. By no means am I saying you shouldn’t support him (specially if he is taking steps to deal with the issue) but don’t let it be at the expense of yourself or your child.

I have found through all of this that sometimes you too need to be selfish and put yourself first as they have done.

It’s so difficult where kids are involved too, I have 2 with my ex, and he has just this weekend suggested they “have a break” from each other even though it’s apparently not what he wants. He’s not prepared to admit he has a problem, so I’m lost as to what I can do to help him and them continue or rebuild any sort of relationship. If he doesn’t have a problem, he’s just an arsehole!!

I’m just focusing on me and my kids right now and hope you can do the same. This forum has really helped though and hopefully will help you through the tougher times x

[lc100]

Snapchat is the only social media we’ve never had each other on, I’ve never really gotten into it and he’d have easily been able to hide it from me on there anyway.

Just makes me sick that one minute he’s posting snaps of him doing lines in an open bar on holiday and the next week he’s posting snaps at the cinema with his kids!? Not sure what image it is he’s trying to portray, it’s like glamourising his party lifestyle then trying to be dad of the year!!?

He is so incredibly selfish and just such a nasty person right now. Tells me I’m filling the kids head with rubbish and then tells them that if he came back mummy and daddy would just argue all the time, which we didn’t often so I don’t know why he’d say it.

Just struggling to get my head round it all. He’s a completely different person, and not a very nice one and him blaming me for our kids anger towards him really gets me.

This helps though! Glad I’ve found support somewhere!

[lc100]

I feel like it’s completely consumed my life the last few weeks.

Looking back over the last 2 year’s of our relationship, he started going out “drinking” more frequently, usually with the same groups of people and it was only a couple of months after that he left the first time saying he didn’t love me anymore. He came back after a week and things were ok for a few months and then he started prioritising going out with friends again, baring in mind it was rare he ever took me anywhere!

He left again last summer and since then the majority of his weekends where he hasn’t seen the kids have been spent out “drinking” he’s been away 6 times in the last year (all lads benders) and has no interest in taking his kids on holiday or offering any money for me to.

It was only a few weeks ago that a mutual friend mentioned his Snapchat sniff sessions and I feel like everything is now clicking into place.

There’s been a few occasions in the past where I’ve found out he’s done it (various reasons) but every time he’s told me it’s a one off and I’ve stupidly believed him!

At Christmas he said he appreciated me so much more and wanted us to give things a go, he wanted to be better for me and the kids. And although he never mentioned the coke (And it never crossed my mind) I think what he meant was that he knew he needed to cut down/out that and I think in the last 6 months he’s realised he can’t give up that part of his life and so has ended up ending things again and straight into a relationship with a (far) younger girl who I’m pretty sure also does it or at least knows he does as they socialise in the same circle at work.

His behaviour since then is just horrible, he’s started arguments, accused me of turning the kids against him and even when I’ve told him the impact him leaving is having on his kids and how it’s made them feel like he doesn’t care as he never makes up missed time with them, he still does nothing more!!

I just don’t know how to get through to him, and even though I’m not sure we could ever be together again, it breaks my heart seeing him like this, slowly destroying his relationship with the kids.

Sorry to ramble, sometimes it just helps to write it all down and get it off your chest!!

[lc100]

Thanks, I’ll have a look on Amazon!

I’ll also look into the emotional stages. I’ve been trying to read up on everything as much as possible but sometimes I feel like I’m hitting a wall a bit with it.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt for such a long time and let him convince me that it was a rarity when it’s come up in the past, partly because I’ve never taken it myself or been around people who do so I’ve never fully understood it. When he’s gone out week after week in the past I just thought he was being selfish putting his mates and drinking ahead of the kids, but now looking into it more and looking back on everything he ticks so many boxes:

He has frequent episodes of headaches

Sinus problems

Has had a few angry/nasty outbursts

Gone through periods where he says he’s not worthy of me, doesn’t deserve everything I do for him

Left because he was unhappy but has never been able to explain why

Its just so frustrating not being able to get all that through to him to get him to want to get help.

Our relationship is done now, with everything he has put me through I’m not sure I will ever be able to forget, but I just want him to get better for the kids sake, the impact him leaving is having on them is horrific and he just doesn’t seem to care.

Thanks again for your advice, and just for replying in general x

[lc100]

I asked my “husband” to take leave over the holidays to help with childcare. Previously I’ve usually covered this all myself, taking unpaid leave if needed as I’ve been able to rely on his wage bit being as we are now seperated I cannot afford to do this – I explained this to him at the start of our separation.

Anyway he got quite nasty, can’t understand why he should have to do it when I told him I wasn’t sure why it was an issue asking him to take time to spend with and care for his children, he told me I was poisonous and that I am feeding the kids sh*t about him and turning them against him (in actual fact I am doing the complete opposite).

I’ve read on other posts about addicts becoming angry/aggressive so I’m just wondering what people’s experiences of that are, is the nastiness and lack of care and empathy yet another effect of cocaine, does it affect them even when it’s been a few days/weeks/months since they have last taken anything? Or is it a possible indicator that he had taken more recently in which case I fear the problem is already getting worse (despite him yet again telling me he doesn’t do it that often). I’m already apprehensive about the kids being in his care and I certainly don’t want them around him if this is progressing from social to more regular use!

Also keen to know of any articles others have read about the effects of cocaine on emotions as struggling to find much on it. And what classes someone as an addict/occasional user/social user – when is it a problem!!?

Sorry for another long post, just still trying to get my head round a lot of things!

[lc100]

So sorry to read what you and your children are going through.

My husband (seperated) has a cocaine problem, I don’t feel like it’s quite at the stage your husbands is, but I can certainly relate to losing the person you fell in love with and having them replaced by a selfish zombie that only seems to care about themself.

My husband cannot see that he has a problem, and I think that in itself will only make the problem worse, I confronted him on it a few days ago for him to pull a face as if I had grown an extra head although he didn’t actually deny it.

I didn’t really get a choice in how to deal with my situation, my husband chose to leave as he wasn’t happy though he has never been able to tell me why he wasn’t happy. Prior to him leaving I’d been aware that on a handful of occasions over the space of a couple of years he’d taken coke, whenever I confronted him he always played it down and it is only since the separation from other people that I am finding out how much more regular that was (it fits in with the fact a lot of our arguments centred round him going out “binge drinking” at times every weekend and never coming home after/being zombie like when he did). I thought he had depression at one point, though I suspect that was more likely a change in mood as an aftermath. I recently found out that he has started seeing someone else and I’m certain that she is far more accepting (if not also participating) of his habit. I don’t think he left me for her, he left me to enable his lifestyle as I won’t do that, specially with children involved.

It’s heart breaking seeing/worrying about the effect this will have on the kids having to grow up with this a part of their lives but all you can do is focus on you and them.

Like I said, I didn’t have a choice as such, but ultimately I would always have chosen what is best for my children and unfortunately right now it is not a life with their dad. It will get easier, stay strong, focus on you and your children and keep giving them the very best you can, ultimately you will be better off and happier and it will be true happiness and not a fake happiness from a toxic source xx

[lc100]

As far as I know, he’s never been suicidal from it, but I guess I only know what I’ve been told by him or others and he hid it from me for years (and is still downplaying it now).

But there has definitely been changes in him, he’s become more and more selfish over the years and less interested in socialising together and began going out every single weekend (I thought just drinking at time) despite the arguments it caused and the number of times I told him it upset me because I felt like he was constantly putting friends above me and the kids, now I suspect it was actually coke and the friends he was with were just part of that but not actually what it was about.

I told him last night that I think he has a problem, he pulled a funny face as if I was mad but he didn’t actually try and deny it.

We’ve been living apart now for almost a year although only “not been together” this last month when he started seeing a younger girl he works with (I’m pretty sure she also does it or is at least far more ok with it than I am).

I’m kind of just accepting that that is who he is now, he won’t get help if he can’t see he has a problem but I’m just so worried something will happen to him and how that will affect our children.

Is your husband trying to get help?

[lc100]

He seems to be less depressed when I see him now compared to where he was pre Christmas, maybe he’s already reached a point where it is more frequent or maybe I’m just not seeing the downs on the few times a week we see each other because of the kids.

It’s good you are trying to quit and I wish you the best on your journey, hopefully you have a good support network to help you through

[lc100]

Same as that, my husband had very little going for him before we met. I helped him build a career, got us onto the property ladder and made a house a home and gave him 2 beautiful kids. He’s never had to want for much since we’ve been together as I’ve always done everything for him!!

I don’t even think his family are aware of it. I don’t have the greatest relationship with his mum as she has her own set of issues and has made a lot of choices I don’t agree with. She’s barely spoken to me since we seperated.

Ultimately I don’t think it matters right now, as regardless of what support he does or doesn’t have, he doesn’t think he has a problem in the first place. I suspect his new girl is using also or more accepting of it than I am, she’s 22 and not at a point in her life where she has to think about how it impacts children etc. I’m sure it’s just a bit of fun and not a problem to her.

Absolutely agree though, the only thing he is ever going to truly love now is the cocaine, I think he’s lost the capability to love anything or anyone else

[lc100]

I only came across it a couple days ago, and reading through a few of the posts, so many of them have similarities to my own situation which makes me more and more certain that it is the cocaine, everything that has happened in the last 18 month’s, it’s like it’s all clicking into place and finally making sense.

I never would have imagined ending up where I am now. I knew my husband had dabbled in it during his younger years but honestly thought he’d grown out of it. I’m now questioning whether he did and something pulled him back in or whether he’s just been hiding it better for the years leading up to this.

He doesn’t know the extent I now know he is using, and given he’s been out the house almost a year and with his new “girl” for the last month I’m not sure it’s worth my energy confronting him, I know a friend of his tried and it didn’t change anything. I’m just concerned because we have kids together. I don’t *think* he is using when he is with them, I do think it is still only if he is out drinking (which is every weekend he doesn’t have kids) but I just don’t know anymore, he’s not the person I knew

[lc100]

P

[lc100]

So true, honestly see the way my “husband” has been over the last 18 months is just shocking.

I tried writing him a letter last week explaining what the separation was doing to our kids (wasn’t aware how bad his coke use was at this point) and he still didn’t seem to care.

I think it changes their emotional state, they don’t “feel” properly if they aren’t on a high so in comparison real life isn’t enough for them anymore. I just feel like if that’s where his head is at right now, surely it can only get worse as he’ll start using more to continue the highs?

Just glad I found this forum as i at least can see the situation for what it is now instead of kidding myself he’s just going through a midlife crisis.

[lc100]

Your situation doesn’t seem too far from my own.

Husband told me New year’s day 2018 that he no longer loved me, this followed a few months of him being out most weekends though I never suspected coke. He was gone a week then came back saying the time apart had made him realise what’s important and he wanted to be with me, we had been in the process of buying a new house which we continued the process of. We moved last April, by July he was telling me again that he was unsure of his feelings for me. He went back and forth before we seperated last August.

Again he was out drinking every other weekend when he did not have our children, when I’d see him he’d look awful but I thought maybe he was suffering with depression. I confronted him about cocaine use last November as knew he had taken in the past though he’d always said it was only on occasion, when I asked, he again downplayed it and told me it is not as often as I was making it out to be.

Around Xmas he again told me he wanted to make a go of our marriage, he appreciated me more now and wanted to be a better person for me and our children. Over the last 6 months he has been away on 4 lads weekends abroad (pretty sure they’ve all be cocaine filled) he is out constantly when he does not have the kids and I am now being told by friends of his that his cocaine use is far heavier than he’s told me, one of his friends said to him I think you have a problem to which he replied “yeah I know, I just can’t help it”. He has now ended things again saying he is just not emotionally invested in this. I’ve since found out that he is now dating a girl he works with 12yrs younger than him (and very much still in the party years of her life) my kids are devastated and he doesn’t seem to care, he’s just become this completely selfish person that I don’t recognise.

Honestly I’m looking for the same answers, does he just not love me any more or does he just not love me as much as he loves coke?

Sorry I can’t answer our questions, but just know you aren’t alone x

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