[lece13]

Hi Emma

Yes, I’m looking into councilling, so I’m hoping that will help. Is it something you done?

You are spot on with the mourning scenario. Its like grieving for the person I once knew who has now died. Someone else is just walking around in his body.

I know what I need to do and what is right/wrong, acceptable/not acceptable behaviour and ultimately how we are better off without the person he is now in our life. It’s just training the mind to let go, move on and embrace life without him. Picturing a new future is hard when you’ve always had a certain one in your head which included him. I feel for the kids especially my son as I know he misses him dearly ???? Its so sad and your right I do pitty the person he is now as its no life he is living.

I think the mind is very powerful and throws you of course at times. Just need to try and keep strong and move forward. Take each day as it comes and pray it gets easier. ????

Xx

[lece13]

Hi Emma

I read your post which has brought tears to my eyes. I am going through the ‘letting go” stage, well trying to anyway. I’m finding it so difficult and reading your response to bluestar has made me think there is hope!!

It’s been nearly 3 months now and it doesn’t seem any easier especially with kids involved. It’s like I can’t cut all ties. I say this is due to the kids, but truthfully i know its me. 20 years together is a long time even if 10 of those years was a 3 way relationship with cocaine. The later 2 turning in to a 4 way relationship as he was having an affair. Hence, the realisation I needed to let go. How much pain can someone take until they wake up and think right that’s it no more. I may have threw him out of the family home and i know in my head there is no going back. However, hope is still playing a major role in my thinking and leads to my hesitation in taking action in having no contact with him. I thought the pain would get easier without him in my life this is not the case. I don’t miss the lies, deceit, cheating, lieing in bed all day, no help with housework and general moodiness, laziness and being miserable. However, it’s like I still crave a part of him to be here. Like my own addiction to him!!! How crazy is that after everything he has put me through!! It’s like torture….the constant wanting to know answers to QAs, how can he do this, why me etc. He barely sees his kids youngest being 4. Yet he manages to squeeze his new gf into his plans not that he openly reveales her as being that. She’s still somewhat a secret. Even has the audacity to claim he wants to be bk with his family whilst he still with her. It’s like talking to a crazed man who has no sense of reality. No one can be content and happy in that life. On some occasions i think i can see happiness, but you will know yourself its like dealing with several different versions of one person. Seems happy sometimes, not a care in the world, then down and miserable next with a splash of motivation where he proclaims hes going to do this and that in the future. It completely messes with your head as you start think you are going nuts as its not normal behaviour.

Like u mentioned the unpicking of lies and questioning is consuming me at the moment. I just want to get passed this stage. I want to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t really know what’s best to do in regards to the children. I do know he loves them, but his interest becomes less and less and I guess I’m left deciding whether I stop access completely or give him the benefit of doubt for a bit longer……prolonging the heartache really!

I’m glad you have found happiness and escaped the hell! Can I ask do you still think of him and love the person he once was? Will he always be a part of you or does that diminish over time once you move on?

Xx

[lece13]

Hi Jaden12

Hope you are ok. It’s awful the negative reprucussions drugs have mentally on someone’s life. Do you have anyone to talk to who can offer you support? I’m lucky in the fact i have close family and friends who are there if I need them. However, at times I feel as though I can’t open up to them.

This forum does help. I receive comfort in the fact i am not alone and the advice and support from others helps especially on my down days!

I ???? you get some sort of reprieve. Wishing you strength and hope xx

[lece13]

Hi Jaden12

Thank you for your kids words. It’s a struggle everyday and not just for the addict. Everyone holds on to hope in some way, but to continue living life like this hoping for change is exhausting.

Hope you are doing OK? I’ve just read your post will respond to that now xx

[lece13]

I’ve read your posts you must be proud. However, I imagine you still live in some sort of fear!

He has done well for 15 months clean. It must be a constant battle each day for him.

There is hope out there. At the moment I don’t see him changing. He’s attended numerous NA meetings over the past 5 years and i have met some lovely people in recovery through this. Now his attendance is few and far between. His previous sponser has become a good friend of his however, he cant help him he needs to help himself and actually want to change.

It’s sad to see, hard to understand and even less fortunate to be involved in. It’s not as easy as some ppl would think when they say just walk away cut ties. You constantly look for the person they were and not who they have become. In your case its your son. How can you walk away!? I see what it does to his mam and how she clings on to hope that one day he will stop. It’s a horrible disease that hurts everyone involved x

[lece13]

Thanks Lindyloo. I have been on here for over a year now. Mostly reading people’s stories and relating to them. Which I find beneficial and I do believe it helps me seeing others in similar situations – not that I wish this on anyone. It’s more comforting to know I’m not alone.

I’m now at a stage where I think i need additional support mentally. To help me let go. There is only so much one can take even with him out of the family home he is always there in my mind resurfacing or causing pain. More so due to the ties we have with our children. I need to find a better way of dealing with this changed person x

[lece13]

Thanks for your advice. It helps to hear the point of view of someone who has experienced it. I’m sure like myself others on here will find your honesty and insight beneficial.

I hope like yourself one day he has an epiphany, but to be fair I think he keeps missing it or doesn’t grab and keep hold with both hands.

Over the years he’s done maybe 6 – 8 weeks clean and then the devil has gained control again. Resulting in a handful of 3 days tops clean periods in the last 2 – 3 years. It’s such a shame how it overcomes a person.

[lece13]

Hi Tarab

Hope you are OK. Would love to say at some point things are improving, but don’t foresee this. Certainly not anytime soon anyway. It’s a constant cycle of torment. When he appears to show interest you think there could be some light, but then boom disappears for days doing his own thing and kids are forgotten. It will be a wk tomorrow since he last spent time with them and I mean by time a cpl of hours. It’s sad he’s missing out on his kids growing up and on life really. It’s no way of living. He can’t truly be happy. It’s like looking at the same person, but he is not there inside. Difficult to accept that the person you knew and loved is no longer that person anymore.

Hope you are doing OK x

[lece13]

Thanks for the reply! Its difficult to understand when you are not the affected person. You question yourself and if your actions have further fueld the addiction i.e. the nagging, arguing, thowing him out the family home. Has this furthered him down the path of self distrust, causing him to no longer care, no longer love, cheat, lie etc.

Surely he must still be aware of right from wrong? Is it that you are numb, so no longer feel the same level of sadness, pain and regret for any negative doings. Ultimatlely leading to lack of feelings, remosefullness and understanding of others hurt and pain.

Sorry for all the QAs ????

[lece13]

Hi Kulstar – I have been reading your posts on here and the amazing advice / support you have been providing ppl with. A few times you have touched on the emotion side and how drugs effect it. Can you explain more? I’m no longer with my former partner who is addicted to cocaine. 20 years together and 3 children, but he has never been able to overcome the devil for 12 years now. The last 3 being the worst. He uses daily along with drinking alcohol. He had a 2 year affair when we were together which broke me. He’s showed very little remorse for his actions instead in some ways he goes on as though it hasn’t happened. He has little interest in kids now which again I can’t understand as he was a good dad until the grip got tighter. It’s like he burries his head in the sand and pretends all is normal. He has no contact with the kids sometimes for 5 days to a week, but has time to stay clean for a day and go and see his affair partner (which he still tries to keep a secret) rather than getting in touch with his kids. When he does turn up he acts like everything is normal just like he’d seen them yesterday. How can a drug change someone so much where they are motionless and just don’t care? I struggle to get my head around it

[lece13]

Hey, well today he turned up at his mams who had the kids. She told him that I said he wasn’t allowed to see them when at hers as he needs to arrange set days with me. His response was “well I’m not staying”. He then proceeded to have an argument with his brother all in ear shot of my son who heard everything. He has collected all his clothes from his mams and told her he wants nothing more to do with them and he won’t be seeing them again!!

How can someone be so cruel. How can he just cut his family and kids off who are innocent in all of this. You wouldn’t treat shit on your shoe like he has treat us.

It’s obvious he is with someone else, but why does he have to push kids away. Yes – me I understand that and maybe his family as they support me and would not approve, but the children are innocent. Why go to all this effort why not just say what he is up to instead of cutting everyone off through starting arguments.

How someone can be truly happy pushing all those who have been constantly in your life away and choosing drugs, gambling and some slut………is beyond me.

I don’t even no him now. He is a different person who has no love, loyalty or care for his family. He goes on like he is hard done by, he is the one left alone and pushed out etc. When actually he has done all of this. He has chosen this life and all the things he is doing it.

It has completely knocked me sideways. I was meant to be going out tonight with friends and I have no motivation and feel nothing but pain. He has worn me to the ground. Wish there was a tablet I could take that would takw all the feelings and emotions away that were connected to him. Then maybe I could switch off and move on!!

Here’s to a better day tomorrow!

Hope you are doing good still and enjoying your day out

[lece13]

Hi MJ

Sorry to hear that. I hope you are okay. It’s an awful situation to be in, but at least it stops the constant wondering! Finding some truth is better than questioning it in your head and not knowing for certain. You can start processing things now. Its far from simple as your emotions will be all over and no doubt your partner will try to portray his side and provide some sort of explanation.

All I can say is stay strong and do what is right for you.

Take care

[lece13]

Hiya

Thanks for your reply!

Yeah I don’t bother contacting him (he hasn’t got a 4n well so he says) I just wait until he gets in touch. It’s starting to annoy me now though as I think what if something happened to the kids and he doesn’t contact anyone (family) for days. He wouldn’t know if there was an emergency. He honestly couldn’t care less.

The last time he seen kids was Saturday and it’s like a waiting game until he decides when he wants to get in touch and see them again. We’ll I’m sick of him picking and choosing when suits him and his addiction.

It was his sisters remembrance yesterday and he had the audacity to drive past his mas, but not even go and see how she was. Didn’t bother going to the grave side with his family.

Nothing really surprises me these days. How a person can change so much and become this vile, selfish, seedy, lier is beyond me.

I was reading your post about your sons birthday. It was my little boys last week. He turned up for his birthday at 6pm. He’d been on one the night before and rang in the morning, but I ended up putting the phone down on him as couldn’t believe he didn’t turn up early in morning for him unwrapping presents. When he did appear at tea time he bought the kids affection. He followed on to take them out the next day, but soon as the afternoon came I could see him itching. He makes up excuses to why he needs to go promising the world another day then surprise surprise doesn’t bother again.

I think they try to be nice a form of manipulate knowing what they are going to do. They plan it in there head then feed you a story “we’ll do this tomorrow, or do you fancy going here at the weekend”………then they disappear again. Also my ex tends to ease his conscious, well the little that he has by buying them something or getting there tea etc. before doing one.

Hoping for some more positive days for everyone x

[lece13]

Hi redfox

Sorry for jumping in on post, but couldn’t help but want to ask about the distancing thing you mentioned. My ex has been in full swing addiction mode for nearly 3 months now!! He has completely cut family and friends off. Turns up every now and again to see kids and his mam. He has distanced himself so much. Makes no contact with anyone for days sometimes over a week. I do know that he is ashamed in a way but that doesn’t stop him from continously using.

I feel I’m in a similar situation in regards to not being with or living with my ex anymore. Do you find he is more distant with you due to him not living with you and thinking it’s over, what’s the point in trying, so let’s use instead or does he just distance himself when he has relapsed but is around often when not using?

It’s been that long since my ex has had a period of time drug free b4 relapsing that I’m thinking that he jusy stays away because he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not the possibility that the drugs are keeping him away through burying his feelings, thoughts and emotions.

He has admitted that he has been using nearly everyday, so I know his mind will be clouded. However, I cant help but think he’s not bothered anymore and really would not care less if I was to move on with someone else.

He does display odd moments of slight affection, but this is probably part of manipulation. He has done some cruel things which I don’t think he would have done if it wasn’t for the coke. He has never raised his hand or been vile towards me. Sometimes snappy and grumpy on a comedown, but the real nail in the coffin was cheating. He did part blame the drugs for this. That doesn’t stop me from thinking that it’s because he doesn’t care anymore. It’s so hard to work out what the hell is going on in their head.

Hope you are doing ok

[lece13]

I feel your pain. I’m just waiting for him to turn up and ask for kids……I have planned in my head what I’m going to say probably not get it said though!!

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