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Hi mj
Detaching is probably the hardest part for us. You can’t just switch your feelings off or bury them like the addict can when using. I’ve struggled with detachment for 8 years and still now when we are not together the door is never fully closed on him.
I think I’ve given up now on believing he may change. However, I still have hope if that makes any sense. It’s like I’ve accepted that there is nothing more I can do, and that he has chosen the drug over his family, but I do hope that one day I may be proven wrong. This is what makes it so difficult for me to completely move on.
I do pray that eventually i will move past this and cut all ties with him but until then it’s like I’m still bound to him in some way. Especially with kids being involved.
Even now I know everything he says is lies. Yet he still manages to manipulate me. I think its because as long as you have contact with them you are constantly fighting with your feeling and emotions towards them, and you so want to believe what they are saying, so the manipulation still works.
The only advice I can give is the longer u have no contact the easier it gets. Dont get me wrong you still think of them and wonder what they are up to, but you don’t feel as much emotion / sadness etc when thinking about them. I know from practice when I go weeks without seeing my ex it gets easier but then soon as he randomly rocks up to see the kids it sets me right back. Literally feel like I have to start all over again. What hurts the most is that it doesn’t even look like it effects him one bit, but I think that is due to the suppressed feelings from the drug use.
In regards to knowing if they have cheated. I suppose you don’t no for definite unless you have proof. However, I seen escort sites on my exs 4n. He said it wasn’t what I thought……well what was it then?! Also he was more distant and not as touchy feely. Sex was awkward in respect he could not perform properly. All of this can be the effect of the cocaine though, so it’s hard to know without proof.
When I found out about the cheating what I didnt understand was why he didn’t leave me when he was going with the other woman. God knows I gave him loads of opportunities to walk away. Instead he chose to keep seeing her when he was high and be with me when he was normal (selfish). Obviously I was not aware of what he was up to. I just thought it was the cocaine binges. I gave him multiple chances for him to be with her without directly knowing what I was doing. He chose to stay with me and continue his affair until he was caught out.
Take care
Thanks for your reply Dan.
Is it true that the drug completely takes over your mind. He seems to miss days and just shows no true feeling or emotion anymore. All he does is tell lies. He hasn’t had any clean time for a long while. The most he has went in the last year is probably a week – 10 days and that’s only been a few times.
He was a no show yesterday. Then I bumped into him earlier today and he was like “are you OK pet”. Like everything was normal. However, at times I do see a slight lowness in him if that makes sense.
Well done on your clean time. I can see you are trying really hard and I bet your ex is proud of your commitment.
In regards to finding it hard to let go. Do you think that’s because there is a tiny bit of his true self still there? Or is it just greed wants to do what he wants with who he wants whilst trying to keep me around.
He won’t admit to going with other woman apart from the cheating which went on for a good few months with the same girl when he was high. Even now when we are not together he still denies being with anyone.
In terms of sex I don’t think he would initiate anything. I think he would more or less avoid it. Not sure if its because of the missuse of the drug and he only has interest in it when he is using. Its like all feelings are dulled unless he is high.
Sorry last question- When you are in recovery do your emotions etc start to come back? If so how long does this take?
I know the gambling comes hand in hand with the cocaine for him. He was on one on Tuesday didn’t turn up for his sons birthday on Wednesday until tea time. Tbf he rang in morning I knew he had been up all night, so told him he was a vile selfish person and put the phone down on him. When he did turn up he took kids out and even spent yesterday with them too. Got to 2.30pm then he made his excuses (could see that he wanted to go and use). He said he’d come for them this morn and surprise surprise didn’t come. He’s been along his mams this afternoon and had the cheek to tell her he was coming to see kids but never turned up. Constant lies all the time. I think he actually believes his own lies. I just don’t understand why he feels the need to keep lying to me when where not together. Why not say what he is up to and stop going on like we are still a family when we are clearly not together.
Hi Dan
Hope you are well
I was reading your reply to MJ and was wondering if I could ask you a question.
I haven’t been with my ex for a good few month now. However, we have 3 children together and he goes a week or sometimes more without seeing or speaking to them.
He is in full blown addiction mode using everynight as far as I am aware and gambling too. Most likely going with woman as well.
The thing I don’t really understand is why does he continue to manipulate me. If he is doing what he wants to do with who he wants to do it with why does he still not completely let go of me. He turns up after a period of time, not saying much due to him knowing he is in the wrong for not bothering with the kids. He then asks if I want to go to out with them….. like a family. Me and him went to a family funeral last week and he put his arm around me in front of everyone. It’s like mind games! Where not together he doesn’t bother with me when he is on cocaine, but when he does feel like he needs to see the kids he goes on like this. I just don’t understand him. Is it to show face make him feel better about himself?
Hi MJ
Been through a similar situation. Not so much the receiving of dirty messages, but the dating websites and escort services were used by my ex when taking cocaine.
I also found out that he cheated. Not saying your partner has as everyone is different. However, I was with my ex from the age of 15 (17 years together, 3 kids) he had never showed / displayed any tenancies to cheat on me. He was a loyal honest person. When the drugs completely took a hold and he was using more or less every week for a few days in a row. Sometimes he even disappeared for a week or more. He completely changed and became an unfaithful, deceitful lier. I’m not saying your partner is this person, but I can say you can not trust him and there is a possibility he will cheat. Its a seady drug. I found that the filth was never used with me but must have been with others. He kept our sex life different to his cocaine one.
Keep ya chin up
Sorry to hear this. Well there’s the lies and manipulation! My ex pretended he was going to have an early night and stay at my dad’s to get a good night sleep for work, but would end up using. I dont understand why she has phoned the rehab clinic? Is this something she does when using coke. Is it a guilt thing where she over thinks when high wanting help but then when she crashes she’s not interested.
The anger is part of the come down. I would say don’t take it personally but you do. Your the person that she sees in her way when she comes round from the drug. Basically she can’t be bothered with the lecture or to discuss what’s happened so she snaps instead. I would say your lucky to still be getting a reaction. It doesn’t feel that way at the time, but when they stop reacting you know then they are completely consumed and just don’t care about anything anymore.
It is an awful rollercoaster to be on. Up and down, highs and lows, constantly questioning things in your head. Some days I have felt mentally drained through it where I have had no motivation whatsoever.
You will never really understand an addict and what goes on in their mind. I have spent years questioning things and still no real answers.
You need to look after yourself, put yourself first, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. I spent years trying to make my ex better through trying to help and support him and in the end I’ve lost myself whilst making myself ill. Don’t let that happen to you. Stay strong
I thought you may have assumed that – it’s my ex partner who is the addict.
I’ve asked myself that question for many many years and still no straight answer.
What I have learnt is;
1. Sometimes they don’t want your help the drug is the only thing they desire. They have got to want to be clean in order to accept your help and not push you away
2. Their feelings are suppressed due to the misuse, leaving them with little to none emotions, empathy and understanding of what you are saying, doing and trying to help them with. I could cry tears, scream and shout and still my ex would have ne emotion or reaction to the situation. He would just stare blankly at me.
3. Anger and aggression from the come down is taken out on those close to them regardless if you are trying to help. They need to take their frustration out on someone and its always the ones who try to support them.
4. The love for the drug comes before everything – their kids, family, true friends, work, bills etc.
5. They will lie, manipulate and are deceitful
The main thing that I have established is that being in love with an addict can be one of the most loneliest places in the world. If I knew what I know now I would have walked away years ago before I got in to deep and had children.
Wishing you well and hope you are doing ok
Hi Paul
Sorry, I am confused what do you mean what makes me push people away?
Hi Lucy
I have to agree with Ash. It does slowly creep up on them. I’m at the stage I am at now after 12 years of misuse/addiction. It does get worse.
I know people who can control it. In the sense they use at parties or going out with friends and socialising. However, cocaine in my eyes is a devil it takes peoples soles if they are not mentally strong enough to fight it. It sucks the life out of them and buries them deep inside. I never thought cocaine could be so harmful. People always assume heroine is the worst with the physical withdrawals. I often question this as cocaine mentally destroys a person.
I hope your partner does not fall deeper into the trap. My only advice is to get out when you can if you see no change. The stress, upset, trauma and negative effects it will have on your own state of mind is horrendous. I would not wish my predicament and that of those on this forum on anyone.
Take Care x
Hi Ash
Thanks for you reply. The children are so confused as they are only little. They are starting to realise that something is not right due to the continuous disappearing acts over the past 2 years. However, they are coming to an age where they are starting to grasp the concept that he is never really going to be around full time. They can sense my worries and stresses which i know is not a good thing, but its hard to control my emotions all the time when they are around. It’s difficult trying to explain things to children when they are of a young age, so I simply tell them that Daddy is not himself at the moment and until he can be a better Dad they wont see him.
At present I’m struggling. I accepted that he was an addict a long time ago and still chose to stay with him and try and support him. Like most it crept up on him. Firstly it was a social thing at weekends then odd times during the week. He then started with a few day blow outs and disappearing acts. He has been in two induced comas due to paranoia – this still has not stopped him.
It has been a long bumpy road which ultimately has led to him having 3 different flats during the course of our 17 year relationship. Each time i have welcomed him back into the family home in the hope he could get clean. He has been to NA, had a sponser and to be honest at times he has really tried to fight his demons but he has never succeeded. The drug always pulls him back.
The past 2 years have been the worst. He has gradually become more dependent on it. He coincides cocaine with gambling and as mentioned earlier I found out he cheated. He was going with another woman for about 5 months!! The whole time he was still stopping at the family home odd nights and even took me away on holiday! The girl in question seems to be a homewrecker i have heard numerous stories about her splitting up families. Seems she likes to take Coke and drink too. He was sorry when i found out and sort of blamed the drugs. I think most of the time when they were together they were snorting and drinking whilst I was at home looking after his kids! There is no excuse for is as when he was meeting her / picking her up he wasn’t high.
Since his infidelity he has never been the same – well to be fair he hasn’t for a while but now he has drifted from his kids, his mam and family (who are aware of his addiction), his close friends and basically just cut himself off. He went 3 weeks without seeing his 3 year old. When he does turn up its all lies that come out of his mouth. At times I cant help but feel sorry for him when i see him. I’m looking at the person i fell in love with, but he is a complete stranger inside. He still asks if i want to go out with him and the kids like a happy family. Its like he cant fully let go and neither can I. Why is this?
I would love nothing more than him to get clean for his kids sake but i don’t see that happening. Its like he has resided to that life. I just wish i could move on from it all!! He is constantly popping up in my head which is doing me no good and when he does show up he tries to act all normal which confuses me even more. That’s the manipulation though.
A lot of people say guilt can sometimes play a role in the continuous misuse as they would rather block out there thoughts by taking the drugs than face the guilt, feelings and emotions when not using – God knows.
Hope you are well and thanks for reading!! Take care x
Hi Ash
Was reading your comment in regards to your husband now being 18 months clean. What made him start his journey to becoming clean?
I also seen you mentioned he accused you of cheating when it was actually him? Have you been able to move on from this?
I am no longer with my partner he chose cocaine over me and his children. He has battled with his addiction for around 12 years or more. The last 3 – 4 being the worst. He cheated – found out just after Christmas. Something I just can’t get out my head even now when we are not together.
The pain and heartache he has caused and still I wish for him to get better not that he will. The drugs have consumed him now. He is a shadow of himself. He’s been buried alive by the addiction. It’s just sad to live and see how someone can change so much from a drug. Lies, manipulation and unfaithfulness – it’s awful and best to be away from but hard to move on from.
Hi, just been reading your story and it’s an awful situation to be in. Do know that there are other people out there with similar struggles and you are not alone.
In terms of having to live like that under the same roof must be extremely hard not only emotionally but mentally. I would say I’m lucky in one way as my ex bf never used in the house he just disappeard for days / weeks then returned when he felt like it. He still does it now in the sense kids don’t hear anything then he reappears to see them whilst trying to mess with my head. You feel u don’t even know where you are at in your own mind and the manipulation is awful. I’m always drawn back in, but have become stronger in the way im not as easily led now. Its an awful atmosphere to live in when they are like that. No emotion or remorse displayed just sheer cruelty. Do know that’s part of the addiction though. It changes them from the inside.
My advice is you need to clear your mind and have a long hard think. This I imagine you can’t do whilst he is using in the same house as you. I would either escape to collect your thoughts at family/friends house in the hope he may pull himself together or I’d tell him to get out if he is going to continue using everyday.
From experience you can’t pull yourself together or think logically when you are consumed by what is going on in your house. You need space to think, deal with your emotions and feelings. Hopefully resulting in you putting a plan in action to help deal with your situation.
I wish you strength! Take care
I can relate to your post. It’ so difficult when children are involved. I feel like this at times wanting to stop contact with the kids. However, in my case its got to the point where I don’t think he would be that bothered at this present time.
I don’t think anyone of us in a similar situation would have imagined our life to end up like this. I for one didn’t!!
I am currently feeling the heartache and anxiety of being alone, but in all honestly I spend quite alot of time alone with kids when he disappears. I have started to come to terms with the fact life will get easier without him in it as at present he brings nothing to the table.
I hope your struggles get easier and you start to feel more positive soon. Take care