[lece13]

Sorry, just noticed your message. I haven’t been on much this past month, but having a difficult time at the moment and need to try and get my head together. Hoping some positive stories on here can help me through this tough period!

He went missing last Tuesday and returned on Thursday this is when I told him to get out and not come back. He hasn’t been in touch since. He seen the kids at the weekend. Only because he wanted the key for the caravan and he used the kids in order to get it. Since then he hasn’t spoke or seen them.

He has become a vile addict that doesn’t care about his 3 children. It’s so sad because my oldest (8) can see what is going on now and generally doesn’t want to see him. She cried at the thought of spending time with him last week. She sees the pain I am going through and feels for her mam.

I honestly wish I could get him out of my head and move on. Life would be so much easier. At times I wish there was a pill that just took all your feelings for that one person away.

I know I have to take each day as it comes and move one step forward in the hope of putting him in my past.

I do wonder if one day he will return and he will be remorseful for his actions, but at this present time I don’t see that happening. He is quite happy to carry on doing what he is doing. Living day to day with no goal for the future, having no responsibilities, and doing what he wants.

I’d never wish any bad on him as I know the drug has buried the person I fell in love with deep inside. However, I can’t help but feel dislike even hatred and bitterness towards the person he has become. In time I hope this passes to where I feel nothing.

I hope you are keeping well x

[lece13]

Yeah the gambling comes in hand with the coke and so did the cheating!!

He’s managed a wk clean so far.

I’m glad you are feeling back to yourself.

He just seems a different person. I mean this wk he has seemed a little better in the sense he has been eating more, looks a bit healthier and has been training. How long this lasts though is anyone’s guess.

The emotions with him are just all gone at the minute. He is so distant with everyone his kids, mam etc. I’m hoping this is due to the missuse over the last year where he has more or less took it every day / every other day.

Everything that has happened though makes me question myself and if its me making him unhappy and thus making it difficult to connect with me and show affection.

I agree with the battle forever. He has gained a few close friends through attending meetings who have and are still continuously battling their addictions. It is hard work and I praise you for coming so far. The commitment you have to put in is emence

[lece13]

Hope you have had a more positive week!

Completely agree with knowing the answers to my questions, so why do I keep being weak by allowing him back in the house!

He has been clean a week tomorrow and has attended 2 NA meetings in this time. However, that has not put my mind at ease. The constant thinking, worrying and waiting for something to happen is so tyring.

The lack of feeling and emotions that he has displayed is just eating away at me this week. He goes on as normal although nothing is a matter whilst all the time showing no remorse for his actions.

I try to tell myself this is because he is not the same person through the drug missuse, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. It is such a hard slug especially when young children are involved.

Here is to eventually gaining the strength and courage I need to get on with my life. Taking the action that I so need.

[lece13]

Hi dazza – I have been reading this thread and your posts and firstly I’d like to say how amazing you are for all your hard work in getting / keeping yourself clean!! As well as supporting people on this forum.

My partner has been battling a cocaine addiction for 10 years now and what a rollercoaster these years have been. He has been in two comas, gambled loads of money and cheated!

We have 3 children together which makes everything so more difficult. He has went through phases of going to NA, following 12 steps even tried meditation and yoga, but it never lasts. The addiction comes back with vengeance.

I have a QA to ask you based on a comment you made in one of yours posts about sex drive. I hope you don’t find this intrusive and you don’t need to answer but does coke affect your sexual desire when not using? Does it have an effect on your feelings?

[lece13]

Hi Emjay

First of all you are far from a failure! Trying to support your partner is much more difficult to deal with due to the emotional ties you have with him.

I can relate to your feeling of worthlessness. I myself feel like this along with being non existent at times in my partners eyes. The daily struggles are emence and the craziness I think is human nature. You are wanting answers to the questions you are constantly asking yourself in your own mind.

I like you understand addiction. Mainly due to it being part of my life for over 10 years. One thing I don’t fully understand is my partner. Not in the sense of his cycle or his behavioural patterns. More in the way of the person he has become. I dont know that person, he is not the person i fell in love with. The drugs have changed him just like it does with most people. It completely takes over their mind. You will never be able to understand the addict because it is not the person you love.

I hope your hurt eases and remember you are not alone, so many people are out there in similar situations. It’s heartbreaking how it affects families and not just the addict. Stay strong

[lece13]

I know me neither. When I questioned him about the escort numbers in his phone his response was its not what u think, so what is it then? He no longer opens up about how he feels. Tbh it is like he has no feelings. All his emotions and empathy have disappeared. The drug has eaten away at him. He has tried NA meetings, the 12 steps and even had a great sponsor. None of which have given him the ability to keep fighting. It is like he has completely given up now.

The last 18 months have been the hardest. Previously he managed regular cycles of staying clean for 6 – 8 wks before relapsing, and when he did he usually pulled himself together within a couple of weeks. Now he is on it either every day or every other day.

His mam barely recognises him as he is so distant with her.

What hurts the most along with the cheating is the lack of interest he now shows in his 3 children. He can go over a wk without a txt or phone call to see how they are.

If you don’t mind me asking and you sharing did your partner tell you he had been cheating or did u find out? Has he showed remorse and regret? Mine did show some remorse to an extent but not what I was expecting. Not sure if this is because he is constantly using, so it is blocking his feelings. To me it’s just like he wants to brush it under the carpet and not talk about it, yet it is all I can think of.

Every day I dont hear from him I am thinking is he with another woman. He claims he fell for this girl but its over now. He was drinking and using when he was with her something that I would never encourage or do with him. I am aware he wasn’t with her all the time when he disappeared as some weeks she didn’t see him. I understand from others that cocaine and sexual desires can come in hand with one another, so now I am constantly thinking he is with another woman when I don’t here from him or the escorts! Not just because he is using cocaine.

I wish it was easy and I could just walk away and never look back. 17 years we have been together. He is all I have know. I’ve tried so hard to help and support him, but I feel now I can do no more. Its like grieving for a person that is still alive in front of me but he is not the same person inside that body.

[lece13]

Hi Annie

I can relate to your story. My partner has been battling a cocaine addiction for over 10 years. We have 3 children and I found out in january that he had been cheating on me for 5 months! I’ve found escort numbers on his phone too.

I know exactly how you feel. To think all the support I have given him over the years and he has done this to me. Its one thing dealing with the addiction but cheating is a whole different level.

I do question whether or not he would have done it if it wasn’t for the drugs, but then again he was conscious of what he was doing when he was picking her up, texting and meeting her when he wasn’t high. I do believe cocaine completely changes a person and he is no longer the person I fell in love with. However, this still doesn’t stop me from loving the person he was and not wanting to let go of him. It’s such a hard battle for families not just the addict. You hope that some day they will wake up but I’m still waiting and tbh I don’t think there is anyway of moving forward from the betrayal.

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