[leda]

My partner passed away last week. Multiple organ failure. I think his body went into shock, by the sound of it, he might have had uncontrolled diabetes which wasn’t being treated. Maybe he knew and was in denial, maybe it hadn’t been picked up, but addiction led to it. He was 45. His last coherent words were that he wanted to be with me. I’m going through the “maybe I could have” scenarios. Rational mind says I tried everything and it became too much for me. But I know I should have separated us both earlier down the line- so maybe he would have had a chance- as he would have realised earlier. What I will say, from what I see, is that a big part of addiction is shame. So making them feel ashamed is just perpetuating their addiction. He was just starting to open up about psychological issues from his childhood and upbringing. Unfortunately it was too late. I do think that we need to focus on ourselves and make ourselves stronger- it is the only way forward. Don’t leave it too late. They have to face themselves and possibly need deep psychological help, which they need to be ready for- and your leaving them might just be the trigger for that to happen. And please reach out to others. You can’t carry this weight on your own. Hugs x

[leda]

My advice is to leave him. Before it gets worse, and you have a child to protect, and believe me alcohol will always come first. Whilst you are still financially independent- go. He will keep you hanging on with some “truth” about how he wants to get better but he does not have the willpower to do it- most likely. Look at it this way- if your relationship is meant to be then separation will be the test.

[leda]

Hi Salboo. Yes I go through the exact same thing. We get into these patterns. I have started writing positive notes to myself and sticking them on the wall. Plus I keep a journal of my feelings and include little positive notes and inspirations to remind myself of my journey forward.

[leda]

I was just thinking about all those times I saw a brilliant future for us, the good person he “really” is, what we could be and experiences that are positive. And I just thought about it. He flips it over. Even now he is flipping it over. He makes it into- I am controlling him. I suppose I should get used to the fact that my thoughts are just fantasy. You can’t change someone- they have to change themselves.

[leda]

Whilst you still have your own house and job- I think you need to get independent of him. Otherwise it will creep further into your life and you might end up losing what stability you have. I would also recommend keeping a private journal to get your emotions out onto paper- also it confirms what is truth and what is a lie. In my opinion, you really need to get out now. I know it is difficult- I am still going through it with a long time partner- but he eroded all my self confidence and self esteem and I am separating from him with nothing left. I should have left years ago- but at least I am leaving now, but I am starting from scratch with my life because of it.

[leda]

Hi Jessander. Something quite heartening about your post is that you are recognising this at a young age. Drugs and alcohol change your brain chemistry and this causes the depressive spiral. Is there any chance that you can seek medical support?

[leda]

I think your instinct is right- you need to prioritise your children. I don’t think it is underhand to call the police if she is being aggressive towards you or your children. It sounds like you are in the US, I am in the UK. But here we have a system where you make a diary of abuse/negative behaviour after reporting first incidents to the police. If it is on-going and you have recorded it then it can help your case. You might consider recording evidence if possible.

[leda]

It is helping me too, to read that I am not alone. I feel that I am getting stronger every day since I told him he can’t come home until he is clean(he walked out on me to go for another binge)- that was 6 months ago- it was painful but I had to watch and listen to him spiraling and I had to resist- he was suicidal and weakened himself- I was running over to the hotel every night with home cooked meals- now I find out that even though he told me he had no energy to even go to the shop to get food, he was going to get a bottle of vodka every day. I know he has already relapsed since he was recently in rehab for 6 weeks. I just know the signs. Gaslighting makes you doubt yourself- but since I have had time on my own I am now healing and getting stronger. I am 50 now- but starting to feel confident that I will be able to move on. I am writing things in a journal. I would recommend it- it gets it out of your head and also reassures you about the lies and truth.

[leda]

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I think the sad fact is that the more you support her the worse she will become. She feels safe to carry on with her addiction. It’s a hard thing to watch. You have to put yourself first and in doing so you might find out that that it is better for her too.

[leda]

I think you hit the nail on the head- you can’t plan a future with him. If anything, your confidence and self esteem will just be more and more eroded over time. It’s a kind of emotional blackmail when you are used as an excuse for their relapse. It sounds like you are a “carer” type person(I am too) but don’t make this man your project. Please put yourself first.

[leda]

I’m sorry to hear your previous ex was abusive also. It makes it harder if you have then opened up to your current boyfriend about this and feel vulnerable. You deserve more than this. I too have believed the lies and spent time looking for hidden drink because he said he had stopped but I knew deep down he hadn’t. Alcohol is their top priority so they will always have that in their mind, no matter what they tell us.

[leda]

When he says he 100% wants help- he needs to go and take agency and sort that himself. It is not your responsibility. He can go to his doctor and get advice from there.

[leda]

You need to start thinking about yourself. You will never be able to get him to control his drinking. But you deserve a life without this stress. When an addict says they want to change they are forgetting they are an addict- so they don’t necessarily have the will to change, even if they have the intention. What I have realised is that- the sober person of that addict is the problem- because they still want to be the addict. So we need to understand that they will most likely never recover- now think about if that is the life for you.

[leda]

My head says don’t stay. I just posted about my situation with my partner who has just gone through rehab and now going straight back to the person- I call “Mr Hyde” from Jekyll and Hyde. He also has previously said the right things at the right times- but ultimately he is eroding me even more than I was. You sound like a “carer”personality like me- giving to people but not receiving. We are worth more than that. These addicts words are not based on truth- because they are not in a rational mind to give us truth. I think we need to looks after ourselves and not expect much from them.

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