[leedsjlc]

Hi JennaKS,

I am so sorry for you going through all of this.

I have been going through similar with my wife for 2 and a half years and trust me when I say that removing the accessibility to money doesn’t cure this situation. And as a previous post has mentioned, addicts are master manipulators, so you cannot take what is said at face value. My wife deleted all the dealers numbers, but she didn’t screw up the scraps of paper, the notebook with the numbers in, the social media friends who were in that scene, so it made zero difference. If they want it they will get it.

I went through a really hard time trying to protect my children from this whilst dealing with the situation as well as working full time etc, and i kept everything to myself and thought I could cope, but that was the biggest mistake. Once I opened up and got support (from here, private counselling, family etc) it made the whole situation much more manageable and even though every day is still a fight I find my ability to cope with it is far enhanced.

There are support mechanisms for addicts out there, and they must go to their GP to get a referral, but they have to be wanting it 100% otherwise it doesn’t work. I would push for that because if your partner really wants help, its the quickest and easiest route to it.

Main thing, don’t blame yourself, don’t feel guilty for getting support and ensure your health and wellbeing are paramount. Don’t stop doing things you would have before, whether that be the gym, watching films, socialising, whatever it is, keep been you and realise you are strong enough to get through this.

Take care and good luck.

[leedsjlc]

Thanks @Sal, it really is the last chance now because I am running the risk of alienating my own family who have shown nothing but support to my wife since finding out her issues but the more she continues to spiral the more they are beginning to push back everytime i call in tears.

One thing I can say, I haven’t eaten a meal since Wednesday due to the stress I have been under, that knot in my stomach was so tight, but just reading others experiences on here and having support from other members has made me feel so much better, so I am going to sit and eat a meal shortly with my kids and try to enjoy a normal evening.

Thanks again.

[leedsjlc]

I absolutely just took so much strength from your post, I am 2 years in to having a wife who has multiple addictions. We have 2 sets of twins and I have a stressful job and I used denial to try get through the first year, then started to see the writing was on the wall as she continually relapsed.

This week has been my lowest week ever, I am barely hanging on and have to continually put on a brave face for my children. I have decided that I am going to have to have the hard discussions and ask her to leave and think about divorce etc.

She lives a comfortable life as I pay all the bills and her money is just wasted on her addiction. I have bailed her out more times than I care to remember, and she has stolen from me and the children on multiple occasions, but I will not be defeated.

I am going to take your advice and hopefully show her that this could be the end if she doesn’t take the support that has been offered.

It will kill me to do it, but it’s killing me living how we are.

Thank you all on here again for your stories and messages of support, seeing people genuinely showing concern and support for others give me faith in the human race.

Everyone, take care and stay strong.

[leedsjlc]

I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

My wife is an cocaine addict and alcoholic and she responds exactly the same to me when I question anything. An addict will always blame you, it’s their way of shifting the feelings of guilt and shame across to you so they don’t have to deal with it. An addict has no empathy, compassion or remorse, and unfortunately will put their need for drugs above everything else.

It has ruined me as a person, I was once a strong, out going individual, who had hobbies and a life, now I dedicate my life to my 4 children and have nothing for myself, I am so anxious due to not knowing when she is going to use again that I am suffering panic attacks regularly and have now started to see a counsellor.

Do not let it get to this point, i kept this all to myself for 2 years and found no support, did not tell family or friends and isolated myself, and that was the worse possible thing to do.

You need to look after yourself, self care is vital. Put boundaries in place and try to stick with them, and please do not blame yourself or start to think that any of your actions have led to this, an addict will do that and create self doubt in you, be strong and always remember that you are not to blame.

I know it’s hard and times can get desperate, but you are strong and can get through this.

[leedsjlc]

One thing I have learned is that the addict will always push the blame for everything onto you / someone else. My wife would not take any accountability for any of the disgusting things she has done, and it was always somebody elses fault.

It is such a difficult balance as you really want to explode at everything they are putting you through, but doing that (and I have on many occasions) just makes it worse, I then learned to just bite my lip and let it pass naturally.

I use some techniques for anxiety and depression to help as the feelings we feel are allowed, and they need a way out, but learning to deal with it properly has helped me rather than allowing it to manifest as anger / hatred.

The; patterns; as you call them that your husband has found are just something he has created in his head to try to justify what he is putting you through, my wife did/does the exact same thing. If i dare to mention her cocaine and alcohol abuse, she immediately deflects and throws some comment out about me cheating with numerous colleagues who have worked for me in the past, some 10 years ago! At first I would bite, now I smile and let it pass and i found that they have no response as they rely on the conflict to again, justify what they are doing. When you don’t give them it, they immediately go on the back foot and have nothing more to say, as we are the ones carrying all the stresses of keeping a family alive with all these difficulties.

Hope that helps. Keep strong.

[leedsjlc]

I have experienced this with my wife. She has been a recreational user for years but an addict for the past 18 months.

Her drug paranoia can almost be as bad as her addiction. She has always been a jealous type but when she is either using or on a bad comedown her paranoia was out of control. She was tracking my phone using my children’s iPads, following me, making up excuses to call me whilst at work, loads more.

She has reduced her usage over the past few weeks and it’s calmed but the main thing to remember is it’s not you at all, do not change your patterns or behaviours. I literally go from home to work and then to the shops, and back. Rest of the time I have my children with me.

It’s seriously hard not to get angry, annoyed and frustrated but I found just ignoring it rather than create confrontation worked better, especially if alcohol was involved aswell (by my wife not me)

Hope that helps.

Stay strong and keep being you. I have allowed it to change who I am and I am now trying to find my way back.

Good luck.

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