[lemonysnicket]

Dear Blue Widow

I am so sorry to read your story. I really hope you have some support in real life. My husband is a cocaine addict and we are currently divorcing because I recently discovered he had lied about lapses and relapses and has enormous amounts of debt which he hid from me and I believe he will soon go bankrupt.

I am sure you have struggled for a long time and hoped for the best and had your hopes dashed. If you are like me it feels like someone else’s life, and it’s an enormous strain to deal with everything unravelling and and at the same time to deal with your own turmoil. I can’t imagine how terrible it must be if the addiction leads to death. Have you been to your GP? I expect that you would qualify for counselling. In the short term the Icarus Trust should be able to help you too. It is so much to bear. Keep well xx

[lemonysnicket]

I agree again with Danman83. If I had a time machine, I would have told my husband’s parents, and mine, as soon as I found out. Addiction thrives on secrecy. Don’t underestimate how bad things can get – you need all the support you can get. I also watched the Louise Clarke videos on youtube – very helpful in helping you as the non-addict what is going on in the addict brain. Good luck – I hope things get better for you all.

[lemonysnicket]

Hi Bella

I’m sorry you are going through this. My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. Much of his use was hidden from me and whilst now he is in recovery our marriage hasn’t survived. I agree with DNAnon, it is likely to get much worse. You can’t really help, no matter how much you want to, it has to come from him and it sounds like he is a long way off getting better. Think about what is best for you and try to put yourself first. Unless he is committed to recovery it will be very hard for you.

[lemonysnicket]

That sounds about right Dfh. I hope he can make the right choices and take the right steps and you can remain as distant from the chaos as possible. I think talking helps – and here is the best place if you can’t find an outlet in real life as it were. xx

[lemonysnicket]

I know the feeling. If I were you, I wouldn’t lend him money and try to separate your finances totally if you can. Mine were enmeshed with my husband’s. I’m divorcing him now. I can’t wait to be financially separate and independent. Easier said than done depending on your circumstances, I know… Good luck xx

[lemonysnicket]

Hi Dfh

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

My husband is a recovering cocaine addict.

Much of his using happened behind my back but once I knew about it it was hard to not try to control things. I tied myself up in knots for years, worrying about him, supporting him, going through his pockets, wondering where he was when he was out of my sight, worrying about money, scrimping and trying to live frugally so he could pay off his debts etc etc.

Eventually one relapse down the line and plenty of threats later, he started meetings, gave up drink and was apparently clean for a year and a half. Then I find out about huge debts, and I’ve recently started divorce proceedings because much as I love him, I can’t carry on in the slipstream of the aftermath of his using nor can I live like I’ve lived for the past half dozen years, like you are living now. It is no life. I’ve tried and I’m exhausted by it.

What I would say to you is step back, leave him to it, and if that means leaving him, do it. Only then might he sort himself out, but if he doesn’t at least you and your children don’t crash and burn with him.

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you so much Lou. I’ve had a busy few days. Seen and instructed a solicitor today. I thought it would be hard, but my mind is clear on what I have to do. I am so sad to be upending our lives but it’s not my actions that have brought us here.

Husband now knows everything. He admits he knew this was coming as HMRC warned him, Makes me feel worse because he still kept it from me. He was properly burying his head in the sand. He thought he would end up in prison. He’s gradually understanding the consequences now and that I mean what I say. It is so sad. I too hope it’s a fresh start for him although it’s too late for us xx

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you rlg21. I have to act and both my brain and gut are saying the same. I’ve got lots of good advice today, both here and in the real world. A trusted friend has spoken to a solicitor friend of hers for me and I’ve got a list of tasks for tomorrow including changing the beneficiary of my pension and even my parents’ wills (and his) to help avoid any money going to him. I’m calling StepChange tomorrow, and a divorce solicitor who another friend has recommended.

My husband hasn’t even found out about the court summons yet. He works away during the week and is back tomorrow afternoon.

I’m not looking forward to telling him. I hope he understands that I love him and support his recovery, we all do, but that he has to sort out this mess himself if he even thinks we can have any chance of any sort of future together. I don’t think he’s in denial, or using, but I do think that he is not following the 12 step programme and focusing enough on his recovery or all of this would be known to me long ago.

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you x

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you Georgia, you are right I don’t know for certain that he’s been clean for the last 18 months. Cocaine use is difficult to spot if the use is steady and not excessive. There are signs though that he has been clean – no sniffing for one. Anyway, the damage is done. I just hope he can avoid relapsing, and take responsibility for this mess. In the meantime I’m looking for a lawyer and starting proceedings., and hoping that he can look after himself with the help of his family for the sake of our lovely kids.

[lemonysnicket]

I don’t think my husband is using now, that is the sad part. He’s been clean for 18 months I think, and not drinking for around 12 months. This is all about the past catching up on him and the fact that he’s had opportunities since he’s been clean to tell the truth about the financial trouble he is in and he has not done, I suspect because he knew I would leave.

I am not going to get peace whether I stay or go – but practically, sensibly, I’ve got to go now and hope he can sort himself out with the help of his family because I don’t think I’ve got the strength to help him as well as help myself.

[lemonysnicket]

6.5 weeks clean is a good start. With the right support you will be ok.

I think that at this stage, putting myself first, I’ve got to detach practically ie financially and that means divorce, selling the house etc. I’ve also got to try to detach emotionally – I have supported him for so long but I can’t carry on.

It will be hard for us all. Giving him another chance means leaving myself and my kids vulnerable in lots of ways but I won’t be forgiven if we lose what financial security we have.

[Author]

Posts