[liberty]

Kelsbels, I can empathise with you. I really can. I totally understand what it feels like to see someone hurting themselves with addiction, just by the nature of what chaos drug addiction seems to bring to their life. At times I even wanted to switch places with my ex, so I could fight it for him. The days he’d want to give up we’re counterbalanced with the days that he really enjoyed using the crack, and it’s that enjoyment added with his brain being chemically programmed to need it, that kept the addiction alive. Ultimately, for my ex, his addiction was the same as me eating a chocolate bar. The sugar isn’t good for me, it’ll probably go to my hips, but I really want to eat it and no one can stop me. Because I want it and I’m going to enjoy it. Most of the time, that’s how my boyfriend felt toward it all. – one of the reasons why I gave up in encouraging him to not buy crack. Any lifestyle change had to be on him.

As I said, my ex was using so so much that he was an incredibly unpleasant guy, hurting everyone and everything in his path, struggling to feed, clothe, home and even get himself around. He knew he was going to prison, he didn’t have the finances to keep his addiction alive in there, so he let his brain clear. For 3 months now he hasn’t used drugs, he’s acknowledged how crazy his use was and how crazy his life became as a result. He’s happy he’s clean now, but he also thinks this clean version of himself is boring.

i think having counselling is a really healthy way to understand your feelings in a safe and guided way. I really hope you continue to see positive results with that, for you.

As you’ve changed your number, it sounds like you’re ready for him to not be in your life. I know it’s hard, it’s frustrating to think of what could’ve been. I did the very same myself, but I realised, there’s the life I know is possible (we even had a taste of it now and again), but then there’s the reality.

if you want to continue to create some space, I really hope your ex is respectful enough to do that.

Hang in there Kelsbels, I think you’re doing so so well. I know how hard it is. Sending you loads of love and support x

[liberty]

Kelsbells, stay strong darling. So much of what your described resonates with me, thank you for sharing your story. Drug addiction is so complex on so many levels, I totally empathise with your situation. How do you feel now? What do you want to happen? Sending you all the love and positivity you need x

[liberty]

coco1010, how are you? I’m so so sorry to read your last post, I’m sorry I didn’t check in sooner. I’ve been thinking of you. How’s it all going now? Was he able to reasonably greave for his mum without the need to start using? I really hope so. My bf (well I told him I’d had enough) his use went from moderate to super crazy, he didn’t have any care for anyone or anything, least of all himself.  his son even told him to stay away, even he couldn’t handle his behaviour. The end to that was the only end there could’ve been – he got caught doing something very stupid and illegal and is now in prison. It seems extreme, but he doesn’t have the money for drugs in there, so he’s had a forced period of abstinence. It’s done him the world of good though. Although he still needs a huge amount of support from everyone, including me, so we’re still very much in contact. For now I’m just going with it, he’s talking about us having a baby together when he’s released!. I’m much too old for all that now, but part of me toys with the idea. 5 years ago maybe, but we’re not even together. And I keep reminding myself he’s been unstable much longer than he’s been stable. I hope it lasts, for everyone’s sake, but it hasn’t in the past. Just because he’s good now doesn’t mean he’ll continue to be that way. That’s a whole load of crazy I don’t either want or need. X

sending you love and strength as ever x

[liberty]

Buster1234, thank you for sharing your post. You are not alone in all of this, I hate to read you’re at a very low point in all of this, I can only empathise with you, I’ve had many low points with my partner who is a life long crack addict. In moments of happiness and clarify even he’d admit he doesn’t like the lifestyle choices he makes, but deep down he chooses this life and has for a very long time, also since he was a teenager, which sounds similar to your boy. It took me years to accept that my bf wasn’t ever going to change until he really wanted to, until then I think we have no choice but to battle as our role of enabler, and I know from personal experience how hard that really is. Xx

[liberty]

Coco, how are you? I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. I hope you’re happy and healthy. Xxx

[liberty]

JayJay, thanks for sharing your experience. I agree with coco, the drugs do them. The fact that you are very loyal and caring towards him perhaps may make you a little bit more vulnerable in my view. That’s how it made me. I’ve been loyal for years, I came out worse for it in the end.

Do you know how long your boyfriend has been using smack for? It’s a big drug to use all of a sudden, is there any chance he’s worked his way up to it and been using be since before you met him?

My bf always told me he believed that as an addict people only ever saw the side of him he wanted them to see. As the person closest to him I was the only person to see him for what he was. Didn’t stop me being with him for many years though, I cannot regret this, but knowing what I know now, if I could live it all again, and if I found an opportunity to walk away, I wouldn’t hesitate.

Sending love to all xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, wow, he’s been off it a year, that’s wonderful. How’s life for you now? Has everything settled back down? Xx

Things are changing again for us my side. My bf became so uncaring toward me that I completely cut ties with him, but I’m a matter of a few days something must’ve switched in his head, because he didn’t want me to stay away from him. He was charming and fun again. We seemed to get the balance back and he seemed to be in this relationship again. We were good for a month, we’ve even been on a few trips away, we’ve spent time together. It’s been lovely again.

However, my financial position has changed this year. My income isn’t anywhere near as high. I still make sure my bf has everything he needs to stay healthy, but I can’t really afford to do those things anymore, it’s starting to hurt me and I’m starting to resent the one thing he spends all his money on. The drugs.

He’s aware of my resentment. Not because it’s impacted on my behaviour towards him massively, but twice I acted in spite, which I have never done and he didn’t like it. He acted in spite in return, so we’ve hurt each other.

I think he wants to leave the relationship, which I am partially shocked by.

If he does walk away, it only proves he doesn’t really care and that he never really did. He enjoys how I protect him from any damage his drug use has, and now it’s starting to hurt me financially to do this and he needs to step up and take responsibility for things a bit more financially, I don’t think he’s in this anymore.

[liberty]

Thanks coco, it’s so nice to hear from you. How are things your side?

life is cruel, sure. I wouldn’t want to be friends we’ve spent too long being partners, I couldn’t do that.

He’s gone back to doing what he uses to do 15 years ago. Working with dealers and for dealers. He forgets they are all 20 or 30 years younger and able to do this.

When he’s high there’s still love and care in his voice, but for the rest, right now, there’s nothing, just knowing each other like we do. It’s so sad that this isn’t enough.

I wouldn’t know what to do with myself either, I cant imagine him not around. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I still have hope.

My main worry is now though, that he is a danger to himself. He’s just all strange lately too, saying things that don’t make sense. Trying to gain control over conversations and not doing a good job of it. I’m sorry to say, but I’m wondering if he needs to be sectioned.

All that aside, I wouldn’t know how to move on.

[liberty]

My bf has upped his use again. Massively. We’ve almost come full circle is how it feels. He’s been managing on a bit everyday, or even skipping a few days here and there, but he has more money again, it’s dark and cold and he’s full on now smoking crack all night and sleeping all day and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do.

We’ve had a few big arguments, he’s been either really depressed or really high.

I’ve had a few family issues going on, I’ve needed his support, but he hasn’t been there for me at all. Even though on several occasions I’ve asked for some strength from him and he’s just so deep into this crack use hole that it’s neither here nor there to him.

I’m not sure what to do for the best, I’m not sure his body will take much more of this. I’m not sure I can take much more of this. Given his age and the way he’s upped his use, I’m back to wondering if he’ll suffer some serious health issue, and if he understands or even cares what he’s doing to both himself and to me.

I’ve actually never felt so alone than I do right now. Alone and powerless.

[liberty]

Louisa2021, I’m so sorry to read about what you’re going through. My boyfriend is a life long addict, mainly crack is his drug of choice. He goes through phases, he uses less when he is happier, he uses more when he’s a bit stressed or unbalanced.

If you’ve been together for 2 years and he was a heavy user before, perhaps he has just always had and will be a drug user in varying degrees. Perhaps meeting you was so positive that he cut right back and it was virtually undetectable? – my boyfriend does this too, when he is good.

My boyfriend told me time and time again he wanted to stop, but he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. In truth he enjoys it. We’ve totally gone full circle now, and although our relationship can be chaotic, I’ve accepted who he is and that his addiction is HIS lifestyle choice and that’s totally on him. We’ve known each other a long while and don’t get me wrong I am sooo anti drugs, but as long as what he does doesn’t impact me, it’s up to him. He knows that means if I don’t want to be around him because he’s on it/is on a come-down, he has to accept that. Sometimes he’d rather spend time with me, so he’ll compromise a bit. Equally though, sometimes I want to spend time with him for whatever reason and he just wants to get on it. Those times can feel harsh, sometimes we argue about that. I do suffer with feelings of rejection sometimes, most of the time I get on and it’s short lived. If he really wants it, NOTHING stops him.

Ultimately, the point I’m making it isn’t the life I’d of chosen for myself, he has bad days, the physical wear and tear drugs have on the body are very apparent, and not pretty, but he’s happy, as much as he can be. One day he may stop totally, I don’t know, until then, he’s happy and that means we are good.

Sending you kindness and strength xx

[liberty]

Dear confused88, speaking from personal experience, the white powder around the nose does sound a bit of a giveaway, his behaviour is suggestive of using coke, but guessing aside, have you asked yourself what do you want to come from knowing for sure if he is/isn’t using coke? Will it change your relationship?

I’ll tell you now, the constant guessing and trying to catch him out will load on the tension between you both, it isn’t healthy for a relationship.

I don’t know how you are as a couple, but if he isn’t being open with you when you’re directly asking, before you press him on it again, I’d recommend just deciding what difference it makes to your relationship if he’s using coke.

And don’t get me wrong, I get it, it isn’t nice when people we care about lie to us, and I’ve been lied to too, my bf is as an addict, what he doesn’t tell me is more from his own shame than anything else, and more so now, because we know each other so well, he doesn’t tend to lie so much. If he does i know, I laugh, then he laughs and admits the lie.

But if you can give it a little bit of time, hold back from trying to catch him out, perhaps wait until he relaxes again and meanwhile just consider the likely scenarios, perhaps you’ll find a more natural opportunity to speak and you’ll be sure of your view on any given scenario.

Living with an addict is not ideal, but at the same time, I’m sorry to say, people have to be themselves, whatever that looks like.

I wish you the best possible outcome. Xx

[liberty]

Thanks Coco, and sorry, I expect I made everything sound a bit too dramatic last message. Thank you for your concern, my bf isn’t the guy to hit a girl, he’s the guy to hit the guy who hit the girl. I do forget that sometimes when I see him in a rage and it had all been because of pain, which we are dealing with.

Do you think your bf’s mind will get better over time? I read somewhere that cocaine is detectable even after 2 years. I don’t know what it is for other drugs, but that says to me maybe he just needs more time for his mind to improve. For your sake, I hope that’s the case.

I do tend to be pretty balanced, but lately I’ve been a bit low if I’m honest. As I think I said before, I’ve stopped trying to get him to quit, I’ve stopped expecting anything from him whatsoever tbh. I suppose that me focusing on how good our life has been/can be again was keeping me going. I’m trying to care about myself a bit more instead.

Have you been looking after yourself and managed to get a break this summer? I hope so xx

[liberty]

Coco, it’s good to hear from you, and I’m really pleased that everything continued on the same path for you and your bf has stayed off it since Jan.

I have a lot of admiration for you, I know it isn’t easy living though what you have with kids around and get to a positive outcome like you have.

A lot of much of the same has been going on for me/us, I suppose I know what it is and what it isn’t, I’m probably just on auto pilot now. He still says he’s going to come off it, it’s still massively holding him back in life, I’m still the breadwinner, still looking after him. More than ever now actually, and tbh I don’t even know why. I don’t think he’ll ever change even if some days he convinces himself he wants to. He says no drug support “help” will work for him, so what can I do.

The only positive is that he doesn’t do it every day anymore.

In truth I’m scared of what will happen if I stop my love and support. Yes, he’s an addict, a tiny part of me does recognise he’s improving, but where some things have improved, others have got much worse.

His temper. I’ve never ever seen it in the way it is now. It’s like his deep rooted anger is just worse than ever, his body is failing him, he’s been in a lot of pain, which I’m trying to support him to get help with. When he’s craving the crack again it’s worse than ever, a few times I’ve feared for my safety. It’s not like I ever encourage him, I don’t talk back, I never start a fight, he gets very threatening and verbally abusive so quick these days. All pain and frustration.

I actually feel now he could be a bit properly unbalanced mentally, he’s starting to say things that just don’t make any sense at all. I just ignore him, but also worry what’s going on and what I can do.

The age old question, “does he even care” is still in the back of my mind, and you’re right, he does, but…..

And thanks for your support, likewise, always here if you need to talk. Xx

[liberty]

Solonely, sending you support, you are not alone girl.

It’s so so hard, and I can only imagine that your hormones are sooo all over the place too, which makes everything feel worse. It must be exhausting for you, I can only empathise with you. Sending care xxx

I’m not going to tell you to leave him, I can’t even do that from my partner, so I won’t preach it to you. But I do know that the addict is an addict through lifestyle choice. If he’s an addict, it’s because he wants to be. Perhaps being a parent will be enough motivation for him to make a lifestyle change, or will could make things worse. It’s impossible to know for sure.

Whatever happens I just encourage you to make sure you take care of yourself, physically and mentally. If you need some support in weighing everything up, here as a sound board. Hugs xxx

[liberty]

Coco, how are you hun? How’s things with you and yours? Xx

It’s hard to say where we’re at right now, I guess a lot has happened. We broke up, things got horrible, really horrible, we had some time apart, but he had a few health issues, he got back in touch and I didn’t/couldn’t push him away, so we’re back together. I got quite depressed actually and that just really isn’t me. I’ve kind of got past that now, things have settled down, but we’re far from normal, we are in a normal to us I guess.

He’s still on it, obviously, for the most part I’ve given up trying to encourage him to get off it, but depends on how we’re doing. I try not to care anymore, but as ever, I do.

I’m sorry it isn’t the happy ending, but I’m really glad to hear from you, I do often wonder how you’re doing. Sending love xxx

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