Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
David, I’m actually not surprised at all, I totally expected her to move on pretty quickly, that is no reflection on you, she’s clearly someone who needs someone. I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy. And well done you for getting out and dating, that’s great. It’s nice to have a reason to wear something nice, go somewhere different, meet new people. I don’t doubt that you’ll meet someone you’re more compatible with when you least expect it. Like you say, you can build a life together. It’ll happen, I’m sure. A summer romance perhaps, how wonderful!
Primal Scream repression, made me think of Bobby Gillespie at first. Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll give it a look. Although, the psychology of it all is a bit much for me sometimes, I might likely use what I learn against him. Plus it isn’t me who needs to read it, it’s my bf, (well my ex) we’re not currently together though. I will give it a go though, as you’ve recommended it. Thank you
Oh David, totally. I can completely relate to what you’re saying and to the anger – and I think a little bit of anger can be useful when channelled in a good way. Turn a negative into a positive.
A healthy balanced relationship is that of unconditional love. That reciprocated need to make each other’s lives as hassle free and pleasurable as possible, even down to the little things. Well the big things matter too. It’s doing what you can for the other person without question, within reason haha, but I think you know what I mean.
It sounds like a lot of what you did for her, a lot of the energy you put into the relationship was not reciprocated by her to the same degree. Maybe it was sometimes, but I expect, overall it wasn’t.
I’m sorry, but you sound like an outgoing and caring guy, you deserve better.
Going back to work sounds really great, I’m glad to hear that. And your trip to the Lake District sounds lovely. Where’s next, and have you considered joining (or even starting) a walking club?
Thank you kindly for the birthday wishes, it was a strange sort of day, not quite what I’d planned or expected, but enjoyable.
Take care x
Well that sounds good, about the hotel stay and the walks, glad you’re keeping it up.
I can understand the anger. It’s all too easy to pick apart and evaluate every memory, I do that sometimes, it’s easy to think of all that time you felt you may have wasted. I’m sure there are positives for you in all of that, I’m sure there’s things you’ve learnt about yourself, I hope you can find some positives in it.
What will you do beyond the walks, are you thinking about what you might like your future to look like, for you?
I am glad to hear she hasn’t been in touch, I think you’re a bit like me in that it’s all too easy to not give up, not to not go back, as though there’s always more than can be done, way beyond the commitment most people would give. That’s what I’m questioning about myself at the moment. I’ve dealt with the anger, considered how much of my life I may have wasted, if I have regrets. Ultimately, I don’t, but at the same time, things cannot continue as they are.
His crack use has been super high.
It’s my birthday in a few days, thankfully not a big one, but my bf hasn’t even spoken about it. I’ve briefly mentioned what I’d like to do, he hasn’t wanted to talk about it, which I think is a reflection on just how self absorbed he is right now. He told me to get my things and leave multiple times this week, called me every name, locked me in the house, shouted through the roof, I’m surprised no one called the police. I’m glad they didn’t. I just stayed calm, it doesn’t penetrate me anymore. He wouldn’t be physically violent and what he thinks is inflicting mental suffering on me, just isn’t. When I actually did get my stuff and I did leave, like he told me to, he couldn’t bare it, ordered me to come back. That happened 3 times! Tried to even tell me first that if I go, i can’t come back. Like that actually bothers me anymore.
I went back. It’s been tough since, we’re bickering a lot, even though I’m trying to be super nice to him. 12 years David. And he’s been on it heavy this past week. I actually don’t feel like I love him at all right now, but I can’t seem to walk away. Part of me feels too invested and I’m not sure what to do with myself without wondering how he is, taking care of one thing or another. I’m at a total crossroads.
Now though, although I’ve come back, he’s properly retracted, says we’re finished, but it could just be another comedown. I can’t tell.
How are things with you? Have you had any contact with your ex? I hope you’re still enjoying your walks.
Sending my best thoughts to all.
Not 20, no, it’s difficult to have a relationship with someone when they’ve been in/out of prison, so I only count from when he last got out of prison, 2 years ago.
Well that’s good you don’t have to do the driving. I had to collect an important piece of paperwork before a trip abroad once, it didn’t arrive in the post in time, so had to collect it myself. 12hr round-trip, 4 packs of gum, 2 maccy d’s and a newly found appreciation for people who drive for a living haha!
Did you see the moon?
That’s something I realised a long time ago David, you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves, right! With my bfs addiction, he would say he wanted to stop, then a few hours later he’d say he needed to be accepted for who he is. Rightly or wrongly. I suppose I did accept him to a degree, but there’s that element of chaos that never sat right with me.
If 5,10,15 even 20 years ago you’d have asked me where I’d be in x number of years time, I’d never predicted where I actually was at those points. I suppose if we each do what’s best at any given point in our lives, it doesn’t matter where we end up, the journey was as it should’ve been. In my view anyway. I’d like to tell you not to worry about the future, but I find it very hard not to myself, so I suppose why not worry, but I’d suggest only within reason ????????
If you don’t mind me asking, and just ignore me if you do, but how was it you were furloughed if you drive for a living? I would’ve thought drivers are in high demand.
I got the money back David, he repaid to me. I did have to ask, but he didn’t try and make up some excuse as to why I couldn’t have it back.
obviously, I decided blocking him was a very sharp and pointless thing to do, I was so angry at the time, I woke up with a much clearer head. I did see him this weekend, but felt apparent to me that my feelings have changed. Although still confusing, I know this is a good thing.
I’ll hold today’s full moon responsible for my crying on and off ALL day, mostly about things I don’t need to cry about, partly relief I guess too.
River walking is so calming, driving 8hr round-trip is hard going, let alone a climb up a mountain, man’s got determination, I’ll give you that! and glad to hear you’re feeling more positive. If you think about it, depending on the direction of your life from here, you’ll never have to worry about an addict partner again. How liberating.
I only did about 11 miles, cutty sark, Thames barrier area, my mate and I didn’t make it as far as the barrier itself, hale stones and sore feet got the better of us.
David, well done you! Climbing a mountain for the hell of it, sounds great. A great place to be with your own thoughts I bet, I hope you aren’t too achy today. I walked a big chunk of the Thames a few weeks ago, felt like I’d run a marathon after, definitely did too much, shocked me a bit actually, I suppose what did I of expected after a year of nothing!
How are you finding things now? Being away from her I mean? Are you starting to enjoy having some breathing space, being away from some of the drama?
My bf has been good for a couple days, but fell off a cliff again. Covid created a unique situation, as he’s had no means to pay for his vices, he had the opportunity to turn dealer for a dealer. I opposed this massively and he backed out of it. Went on to tell me how being around it made him need more, how seeing those other addicts shocked him, he didn’t want to see him self as one of them. Yesterday, unbeknown to me, he decided to get back in on this, and this time scale up. He decided to con me into giving him money to help him, promised he’d give it back, usually he does, but this was a bit more than he usually borrows, he didn’t pay me back when he said and I’m raging about it. Not just about him not paying back yet, but about what he did with it.
I tried to speak to him, but he was on it and telling me not to burn up his phone. I don’t see how me trying to ring him 3 times for clarity is burning up his phone, especially when I’m trying to establish if and why he lied to me about his intentions, which he did.
So I blocked him.
Part of me feels I’ve overreacted, but I don’t want an addict (and lately, a dealer) for a bf. Given him enough of my life, my good years too.
The thing that really gets me is, now my bf has turned dealer for a dealer, he’s making the problem so much broader than himself. The impact his use has on our lives is hard enough, but extending that to others, behind every sale is a family, a set of arguments, potentially a young person who’s about to be addicted in a detrimental way. In a way which could destroy his/her life irreparably. I can’t stand by and watch this happen anymore.
By choosing this he’s lost me. This is the final straw.
I hope your weekend has started better than mine has. Sending as much positivity your way as I have.
David, that’s unexpected, so you only became considerate and caring in those lovely ways because you had to step up amid the chaos? Not the kind of scenario I’d have ever guessed, is that where I’m going wrong then! I’m so caring to my bf, the real housewife type. Should I just be a bitch?! He says he’ll do a lot, give up crack, be more risk-averse. He says a lot of things. I’m always there to feed him, get him home in an Uber if he gets stuck (he can’t afford to drive at the mo). Any nice things are arranged and paid for by me. He’s never once, bought me a birthday or Christmas card, ever, in years, he’s often sold for crack what he’s intended to give me as gifts, and the gifts he does give me he seems to regret. the list is endless… I, on the other hand am always bringing home treats, flowers, the biscuits he likes. The just eat food he likes when he isn’t feeling well. Or cooking the things he likes. Thing is, even if I consider being a bitch, it isn’t in my nature. I can be a terrier sometimes, I’m small and softly spoken which people often perceive as weak and shy, but I’m definitely neither, but I’m a fair minded and reasonable person. Too fair minded probably.
On your appearance, my bf is terrifying to most people, but not to me, not that that’s here nor there really, but I don’t mind that. I soften his look beside him and I quite like that his protective don’t mess with me face is a deterrent, makes me feel safe. So again, perhaps what you see as unconventional is a blessing.
I’m in two minds about what you say, we’re wise to it so they back off. It used to be my bf would avoid me because I remind him of his faults. Now he seems to just not care, he’s killing himself for sure. Last year when things got so bad I had doubts how long his poor body could survive, he’s since survived covid.
I don’t know, we’ve been through a lot together, but if that doesn’t mean much to him shy should it to me anymore.
Hope you’re having a good week, sending care xx
David, I see exactly where you’re coming from, I can totally empathise with you.
What do you mean by lost, why are you lost? Do you mean you lack direction? Most days I wish I knew the future, if that’s what you mean.
Unless you have 2 heads and are green, I’m sure you don’t look as weird as you think you do. I expect you don’t walk around with a giant paper bag over yourself, I expect you have nothing to hide to the world. If you live with what nature gave you, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. Personally, I used to have massive self esteem issues, I suffered an eating disorder because of it, I didn’t think I was ever good enough. Turns out, I am. Turns out it was all in my own mind.
What is unattractive is ‘using’ until your eyes are sunken, your skin is dull and patchy, your nails are brown, your teeth black and missing to the point where you’re down to mostly gaps and sharp stumps. Nature doesn’t do that. Narcotics does. There’s a lot very right and attractive about being natural. Style and pride in your own appearance is different, personal hygiene for example, also, different. Again, something some addicts take for granted!
That’s why I’ve never introduced my bf to anyone other than work colleagues. My family and friends will see only what they’ll see, they won’t see his intelligence, his protective instincts over me.
All that kind of counts for nothing now though, he knows I’m not as tolerant as I used to be, he’s starting to not care what I have to say on any subject, tells me any question I ask is giving him negativity, and has told me more often than not he’d rather I didn’t even speak. All the love in the world only goes so far as to patch over things like that. What makes it worse is that I am soooo delicate with everything when it comes to him. I’m walking on eggshells, you can’t tell me that isn’t the drugs. I don’t see what else it could be.
Notmyreal name, I hope you don’t mind me replying here, but agreeing with what you say, it’s like there’s another person, but it’s a substance.
Everything and everyone come last while the drugs come first. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost out to crack, or even the green.
Wishing you positivity and better times.
David, thanks, thank goodness job isn’t on that list, as long as it is, thank goodness you do have some stability. When you say you’ve lost family, do you mean the family circle you created with her, I.e.. you/her and the step-kids? Or do you also mean you are somewhat disconnected from your own blood relatives?
Also, don’t sit and wonder about her next partner, I expect she hit the jackpot with you, sounds like her life hasn’t lacked dramas, and I’m not meaning to sound rude here, but drama suggests to me her expectations of other people and herself are rather low. Just look at the company she keeps and her inability to sustain stability in several forms. And as for users surrounding themselves with other users, my bf doesn’t tend to do as much of that as others do, although I think partly that’s an age thing, but when he does it’s just circumstantial meetings as a consequence of similar lifestyle choices. That whole relatability thing. Also, he’s always told me how time spent time with other addicts only made him realise no matter how nice they are to him, they’d sell any part of him they could, if they could.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I expect the next guy your girl gets with doesn’t take much thinking about on her part.
I could also be wrong, but I wouldn’t be surprised if, as you haven’t heard from her in a while, that the next time you do hear from her is after she’s had a rebound gone wrong and longs for the ex (you), as so is often the case. Anyway, just speculating here, and if that is case, even if she offers you the apology you want, in any form, I urge you to take it with a pinch of salt, for both your sakes.
As for sharing your life with the good version of her, quite honestly, and I’m guessing here, you sound like you’re early 30’s, stable job, all be it on furlough, and you do sound very handy around the house, very supportive, in touch with your emotions, so many girls would absolutely jump through hoops to be with a charming sounding guy like you. Real talk. How do you know she was so perfect for you?
If it’s a question of will you meet someone else you feel a connection with? I’m wondering, have you tried? As scary and as daunting as it sounds. I’m not in any doubt that you can.
As for me, we have no bounds, no. I’ve prioritised other things over children, i moved in with my mum and have been here through lockdown, so we’re not currently living together. I since decided I want my own place, so I’ve gone and taken steps to do that. I’m in the process of moving, it’s lovely, so I’m happy about that. I have space to breathe. I can’t tolerate the drugs anymore, irrespective of how much I love him, but now, it’s not the same.
I suppose I’ve never been careful enough about who I share my life with, in relationship terms anyway. Now I’m nearing another decade, it’s kind of now or never to start making the right decisions, or risk not knowing enough about my own life to be able to share it and have someone truly share who I am, or even begin to appreciate the person I hope I am/the person I’m trying to be, faults and all.
It’s true what they say, the relationships forged when we are young really are some of the most important of our lives.
I also haven’t quite given up on the children thing, but I’m starting to, age is winning that, as well as many other battles now.
Sending care, and reminding you, do be kind to yourself. Xx
David, thank you for sharing your story, I have taken some comfort in reading it and the comments. I feel for you all.
My story is very similar, bf won’t stop, can’t stop, switches between speaking about giving up, or his wanting of me to accept him for who he is.
David, I know it’s hard, you’re on that middle stone, you’ve reached a make or break scenario, it’s your time to step forward into the scary unknown or to step back to who and what you’ve come to love.
And I get it, it’s so hard because I bet there were so many good times and this family are fully woven into your person and your life. I can imagine you want for life to be everything you’ve hoped it would be for so long, with the people you’re so connected with. You’ve worked so so hard to make it good, all that time, energy, emotional, physical and financial support and for what.
That must be pretty damaging to anyone’s ego and sense of self, to feel your efforts shunned like this, but by no means are you a failure.
Working hard for something, when the outcome doesn’t just depend on your actions, but also on the actions and commitment of others, doesn’t guarantee success. It shows you’re a really strong balanced individual, who knows what they want and are willing to fight for it, but I’ve learnt that if the people you chose to try and build a good life with for so long aren’t sharing that same vision of what that life should be, they likely never will.
I urge you to listen to your gut. Sometimes, irrespective of how invested we’ve been, we have to step back. By the sounds of it too, you’re at a natural acceptable point in which you can do that. It’s hard to step forward into the unknown, but I urge you not to let fear hold you back.
I don’t know if anyone else finds this, but why do addicts seem to seek a relationship with a non-addict. My bf, the addict he is (lifelong crack) I’ve often asked him why he just isn’t with someone who is also an addict, who can accept because they are the same, he’s not interested in “that type of person” and would “rather be single”. I digress, and I suppose it’s all subjective.
David, I’m not at the stage you’re at, but I do feel I’m very close. In a way I’m
Preparing for the inevitable, with sadness and trepidation.
The one motivation I have is that hopefully at some point it will be my turn to have a good life, and I’ve been searching for it for a very long time, with limited success, but life is short and we only live once, so to hell with fear.
I wish you well in whatever happens next, I really do.