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Coco, are you back at work? I bet the time off has done you good xx

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Hi Coco, good to hear from you and glad you’re doing better. Suspicious? If you’re protecting them and they don’t need to know from what, if life is simpler not sharing details, then don’t. No one says you have to divulge your situation if you don’t want to. As you know, I protect my mum in the same way, so I wouldn’t blame you for holding back a bit.

I’m glad the test was negative, how has he been with you about testing?

I’m ok. My bf is really distant again. Says he’ll ring, doesn’t, or he’ll ring to say he’ll ring me later and doesn’t. He’s been checking in, but I hear in his voice he’s on it, he says he isn’t, I think he says that to keep me happy. Things probably aren’t good. Again. He’s struggling on his own. We have seen each other, and that was nice, but only for a short time and he always wants me to stay, which I can’t for mums sake. He’s still “helping out” his dealer. Xx

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Lcstewart77, well done for being so brave and kicking him out. It does get to the point sometimes when enough is enough. I hope I’m understanding this right, but if you’ve been together 4 years and this has happened 3 times – I can’t say I blame you.

I hope you stay strong xxx

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Coco, that’s exactly right, you have been more than good to him, so patent and understanding, at some point there comes a time when he’s had enough chances. At the end of the day it’s his lifestyle choice. He can’t expect you to always pick up the pieces. You’re a good woman, but you don’t have to be a saint.

I do sense that the anger is really coming out now, and understandably. What happened? Did you test him? I really hope you’re OK. Xxx

My bf has been ‘helping’ out his dealer, but he assures me he’s not getting crack for it. I’m not sure I totally believe him. He tells me if anything he’s seen what it’s done to some other smokers lives and it’s put him off. The dealer said the same to him. Apparently he doesn’t do it himself. My bf has never seen himself as a dirty crackhead, even though he has absolutely been one. Id like to ask him why he sees himself as so different, really. But he seems in control and is seemingly being good, so I’m not going to. He’s also been really loving and attentive, probably because he knows I don’t tolerate his rubbish anymore and I know he doesn’t want to loose me. He knows he so very nearly did and he’s walking on thin ice.

Xx

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That’s kind Coco, same to you.

Did he get tested today? How’s the week been?

My bf has been defiant all week. He’s kept off the crack, says he doesn’t want to do it. Doesn’t feel he needs to do it. We’ve been talking about the future again. All is nice once more. Hoping it’ll last for a bit. Fingers crossed.

One thing I have noticed his memory isn’t as clear without it. He’s always been pretty sharp, but he’s been forgetting some words. Hoping it’ll just be a temporary thing while his body is readjusting.

Xx

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Oh darling Coco, don’t be so hard on yourself, it really pains me to hear you this way, it’s only natural to re-live things a little the year after, the seasons don’t help that. I don’t think you lack drive at all. Last year was so tough, the baby, splitting from your partner and his addiction. Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and you are a good person.

And yes, he’s getting clean now, but that trust thing, it doesn’t come overnight. My boyfriend has been all over the place lately, he’s upped his use, but is assuring me he’s massively cutting back. He said he had some yesterday, but that’s it for the whole week. Do I believe him?! He said he’s managing to stay away from it, he’s told me he’s going to check in a lot more with me this week, prove me wrong. He and I are together, but that trust thing takes a long time I think.

Let’s see how the week goes. He and I joked earlier, by Friday will I say “I told you so” to him?! He says not. He seems pretty determined about that. I’m both excited and terrified either way.

Honestly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Even the happiest of people can find ways to be unhappy if they look for them, so don’t look for them. Take pleasure in the simple things in life, the good things around you.

I only have positive things to work for because I’ve had time to plan to do so. Do you think I bounced back from any of those things immediately, no way. There’s been times in my life when I’ve forced myself to get out of bed at a certain time, force myself to start a new but very basic routine, forced myself to phone friends and just listen about their lives and force myself not to speak about my own. I have many coping mechanisms, like the worst of us. Sometimes I didn’t cry enough, sometimes I could do nothing but cry. We are all human, life can be tough at times.

I know good things will come, you may not know what they are yet, but they will happen xx

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Roses, Coco made such a good point there. We always loose to addiction. The drug of choice will always come first, no matter how much you point out the damage it’s going to the health, life, financial stability, they defend it. My boyfriend sometimes admits everything back to me, he knows what it causes, he knows it just as clearly as I see it. He just fights me because he wants it THAT bad. For me, when I stopped fighting his addiction, he finally noticed and started to calm down, because he saw that I’d started to lose interest and started to just not care about it or him, and that scared him. I do still fight it now, of course, but his use has increased again. I’m not suggesting this is in any way something you should do, just sharing my experiences in the hope that it gives some comfort and insight xx

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Off work Coco, I’m not surprised. Clearly, this has totally drained you. I really feel for you, and I can totally empathise with you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel jealous, just trying to add context to my situation, which let’s face it, is still nothing to be desired, my dreams and ambitions are all I have to a point, I have to look ahead, even if the end reality isn’t as glossy. It has every chance though, that’s what I give it.

Honestly, I’ve had to pick myself up again so many times, from an abusive partner, from a failed marriage, from tragic death of family members, I honestly know how hard it is. A course is a great idea, and shows you want to get yourself back on track to better things, but perhaps the wrong time, in my view. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time out. While I was living with my abusive x (not my husband, not my boyfriend now), who’s abuse had driven me to eating disorder, he’d made me feel so abnormally insecure (I am not an insecure person), beating me down, degrading me, making me feel literally worthless, at the same time I was working in my city banking career, which I did for many many years, literally the most stressful and all consuming job ever, and when I finally had the courage to walk away from my abuser, only then for the tragedy of sudden death to strike my family, I’m talking days apart here, literally everything at once, I suffered total burn out. One minute I was crossing the road to walk to the drs for a throat infection, the next I knew I had to take what ended up being 4 months off, else I I’d be in psychiatric care. Rock bottom exists, you found it by the sounds of it, but the good news is, now you can rest. You know what you’re dealing with, you’ve already done it. It may take time, but you’ll find a new normal, I just know it. At some point you’ll be able to start that course, or something else as equally positive, and what you’re feeling now will be a distant memory. Baby steps, as tiny as you like now, baby steps, just slow it all down. You are such a strong woman, you have the support of me and everyone else on here. You have your wonderful children around you, that is such a blessing that I never got to experience, plus even though you’ve had all this to contend with, you’ve had enough strength to help me with my boyfriends addiction.

Time dear Coco, time is your friend, and I know you’ll be fine. Xxx

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RosesHT36, thanks for getting in touch. Sorry to hear about your situation. If you don’t mind me asking, How long have you been in this position? How long has your husband been on the coke? Is he a drinker, does he smoke it too? How are you doing in all of this, do you have any support of anyone?

It is exhausting.

My boyfriends addiction is the one thing standing in our way.

The thing I’m struggling with lately is that my boyfriend gets on the crack and all he thinks about is the past. The fun he had, the crazy things he did. He was high for all of it, crack, or the dopamine it creates both heightened his enjoyment and made him remember it all clearly. Dopamine after all affects memory, or rather over stimulates the section of the brain that controls memory. My boyfriend recalls stories of his past so clearly, every detail, but this is now the issue for me. He seems stuck in it. No longer zipping around doing the crazy stuff, he’s too old for that now, (thank god!) instead he’s indoors, occasionally with someone to get high and talk about it all with, and reminisce about the past. Yes, he’s cut down massively, he’s getting it to the point where it’s a bit more manageable, and conducive with a normal lifestyle. His use is daily/expensive, but in the £20-40 a day range rather than £200 a day range. The risks involved in finding the money to sustain this are minimal-ish now. He can pretty much pay for what he needs without turning to crime, but needs me to feed him though. He’s living two paths right now, the person stuck in the past, not creating any kind of future with me. And the slightly clearer minded person who does see the possibilities of our future now, has planned it all with me, but isn’t in this state for long enough to actually achieve anything. Only long enough to talk about it, think about how good life will be, think back to how good (or rather more crazy and fun) his life has been, and there he goes again. Stuck in this cycle. For my boyfriend, the events which led him to drugs can always be used as excuses for not coming off them. Some terrible things happened to him as a child. His dad abused his mum, so he was put in care, where he was abused. All before the age of 5. His family are relatively wealthy, but he wanted nice things, they made him feel good, so decided to find ways to get them, he lacked guidance or direction, so there he fell solidly into crime. He’s never had to really work for something, although he has intermittently at times worked, but didn’t see the same financial gains. High risk, quick wins always wins in the end. So high risk actually that he’s lucky to be alive, he’s been stabbed 7 times. No one ever went for (or got I think) his life with a gun – it happened to a lot of people he knew.

As I’ve said before, his debt to society, 12 years worth, have been paid.

But what kind of life do you call this?

I often wonder what I’m doing with him. I’ve known loss and struggle myself in a different ways. That’s how we bonded, plus we’re both pretty fearless and don’t mind risk, actually we both thrive on risk, but in different ways. I don’t believe in anything illegal. We’re both relatively intelligent people, together there’s really nothing we can’t achieve. Except his addiction is totally holding him back. Keeping him in the past. Sometimes he does dwell on the bad things, but he’s pretty much dealt with it all now, he’s accepted and forgiven. So now it’s just about moving forward and doing so in a solid legal, sustainable way. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to move forward to another chapter of his life, or if it all ends in the same condition it’s in now. Only time will tell. Covid obviously paused everything, which has not helped. It’s allowed him to do exactly what he thinks he loves the most, get high and remember the past, but it hasn’t stopped me getting our plans for the future in motion. He’s getting a bit left behind now.

Sometimes, or rather especially now because I’m getting older, I’m realising I don’t want to waste too much more of my life in this position. I want to get on making it good, living it well. How much longer will this go on for, and when and how will it change. That’s what I’m pretty much waiting for now.

Care to all xxx

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Coco wow! She said that?! I am honestly shocked. Crack and heroin are highly addictive life changing drugs, who is this women to say it’s ok do a bit now and then and be fine?! Im sure there are some people out there who are physiologically less influenced by drugs, I often wonder if I’m one of them, but ultimately, the fact that it has taken ALL of THIS to get your partner back on track means he’s likely not one of those people. He did it, he got addicted, he’s getting it under control now, he does not need to get the taste for it again. For goodness sake!

And Coco, darling, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, fear of something you can’t control happening is not good. And in response to that I say… Firstly, you have enough on your plate to worry about what else could happen, but hasn’t yet. secondly, girl there’s nothing you can’t handle, honestly you’ve come through so much and supported me at the same time, no matter what knocks on that door, you will know how to handle it, and you can handle it. Thirdly, fear can often be that very thing… just fear. Things are improving, time will help.

Family, we’ve spoken about this before, it’s the same for me. Everyone else thinks they know best, but they’re not the ones living it, you are.

Ive said all my life I couldn’t understand why women have affairs, (I know this is totally unrelated, but I do have a point) I took a vow of marriage, i honestly swore to god that I would do everything to keep that marriage alive, until things went horribly wrong in that relationship and my best mate asked me if I was having an affair, to which I replied, “no, but I can see how people do” – that was the first time I ever truly felt like I’d misjudged people for their actions without having experienced them personally. Like my family do, I’m sure your family just care about you and are trying to look out for your best interests. I get that now they know the situation they are keen to know what’s happening, it’s annoying that things can never be un-said. I get that you’re being more cautious and distant from them to avoid any judgement and concern. I am the same. Totally, as you know.

I know I’m not physically there in your circle, but I am totally here and I have your back Coco.

Perhaps try and take each day as it comes, don’t worry about facing something you can’t handle. That’ll never happen and you don’t need to face anything alone. Here with you. Xxx

As it happens I did burn myself out a bit these past few weeks. I’m sick and achy and tired, it can’t be helped. It can’t be covid, I haven’t been anywhere, a few days rest and I’ll be back to normal I’m sure. I’m taking a step back now.

Are you still working? Xxx

Sending care xxx

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Coco, what makes you think you’re not positive? What are you finding hard at the moment? He’s stood up to this addiction in a really structured way, you’ve been so supportive, and I get that it’s been hard. OMG I know it’s so hard. The way things are right now makes me think you’re likely through the worst though – and look at what you’ve survived! You’ve done what’s best for your whole family at each point, I only have adoration for you.

I’m in mixed feelings about what you say his case worker said about him being connected, surely doesn’t staying connected to people just depend on the how supportive they are of his wanting to overcome the addiction? On one hand it’s good to have distractions, stay connected to his people, but on the other of they don’t help him look out for his well-being, what’s the point.

I’m fine, thank you. Still mixed emotions flying around, so I’m just keeping busy, trying not to think about it all too much

Sending care xxx

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Coco, that is great news. Wow 22 days, gaining weight, this is positive, I’m so glad. It’s odd, for the most part although my bf is still smoking the crack, he has been doing it much less. He’s also gaining weight and sleeping lots.

Strange how things go sometimes.

How has yours been with you? And has he cut ties with the people he used to do the drugs with? I hope so xx

Also, how are you keeping, generally? I hope you’re staying safe and well xx

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Hi Coco, sorry for not replying sooner. How did the test go? How did the 5th go? I’ve been wondering.

The same as usual happened, I let him back in, again. We’ve had a good few days, plus a few not much happening and me wondering what he’s up to days.

The 5th came, it wasn’t a disaster, my bf tells me he’s paid all his bills and has given me half of what’s left over so I can look after it for him, which I think is sensible – if it weren’t for the fact that he’s been asking me for a little bit back every day so far even though he has all the “essentials”. There’s a few positives in there somewhere I’m sure,

In truth I’ve been working all hours, since I don’t know how long. I took on some extra work, which I knew would be tough and it has/is. I just keep thinking about the extra money I’ll get, it’s not massive, but it’ll be enough for a new fridge/freezer for my boyfriend and a few new household essentials for my new place. I still do all the online food shops for my bf at the moment, even though I’m now living with my mum. My bf got so skinny, he’s one of those people who likes food, but can do without of it’s too much like hard work, I didn’t like seeing him not taking care of himself, so I do it. The extra money will help a lot.

I envy the people in a stable solid relationship, living together, working hard to get through this covid crisis together. It seems a long way from me working all hours and my bf just doing tv, green and the occasional bit of crack to fill the time, because he’s on his own, I’m here, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

I hope I haven’t said too much now. I hope you’re looking after yourself Xx

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Thanks Coco, you’re so right too. The not sharing for the sake of being judged, the suffering in silence every time they disappear.

After 18 years do you think you’ll ever get back together, what’s next for you personally do you think? Do you ever think about yourself? (I’m not trying to pry here, please don’t share if that’s too personal).

It’s tricky to say how long we’ve been together, he’s done a lot of time in prison, 4 times, 12 years in total, we’ve been together solidly since he last came out in ‘18, i got married in between, that failed. I refuse to be a ‘prison wife’, I dread losing him to that again, but he’s on a different page now, he’s been doing all he can to change things, I’ve supported that massively. It really is time to just get on with life, that’s where we’ve been at pre-covid. Most might consider him a very bad man, which is why some of my friends have never liked him, but he didn’t get the best start in life, really suffered and was guided to a criminal path instead of a legal one. He’s such a clever guy, really smart, we have very similar personalities, even though we are complete polar opposites, I am the small quiet one, never committed criminal act, he’s totally the opposite. When we’re together, we’re great, we bounce off each other. It’s always the in between when we’re apart neither of us are good, which is what’s happening again at the moment I think. I suppose I have changed in that I’m not backing down. It’s always me who backs down and says sorry weather I’m the bad guy or not, and as you may/may not be able to tell, I’m not into arguments, I’m terrible at it for a start, I have mostly just let things wash over me in the past, but this time, I just don’t feel I should. I’ve fort for him sooo much these past few years, waiting for him to do the same and never quite getting there, all the while believing he will. I guess I’ve lost a chunk of hope really and I’m at the point where I think, I still have time to start again. Just. I just don’t want to.

I have no idea what will happen next, I’ve not been like that before. No objective I suppose.

I can’t imagine what this all sounds like. Keep safe xxx

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And thanks for being there Coco, I hope what I say and am feeling doesn’t sound too crazy, but by sharing it like this with you, really helps. So thank you xx

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