[liberty]

Coco, that is so good, I’m so pleased the test was clear and also that social services have closed the case, what a relief. You’re actually making progress during a pandemic. That’s a real achievement, I am so pleased for you.

I’ve become much less accepting of his addiction, less tolerant to his mood swings, and everything really, I think that gives him reason to lie, try not to rock the boat. He ignored me for soooo long, the same as when he’s on the crack, it felt the same, I had no reason to think he did anything other than the crack, he danced around the question, which left me feeling like he absolutely had done it, did nothing to reassure me, as always. Then comes back telling me it was only a lot of green. But by this time I was angry and feeling used again. Why do I bother trying to plan a better next chapter. I told him I’ve had enough. I really want him to step up and say he’s sorry and that he’ll try and work to build a better future together with me, but a big part of me thinks he won’t. I can’t bring myself to answer his calls, I feel that bad. I don’t want to give in, I don’t want to walk away, after everything of myself I’ve invested in our relationship, but I’m feeling I have no choice. It’s so sad.

Xxx

[liberty]

Salboo, I completely understand. Every time she disregards the love and care of you and everyone who cares about her, it’s easy for the anger and sense of loss to creep in. I feel the same. My boyfriend is stuck in a horrible cycle, he does really well, is really positive, we start to plan for the future again and then, he disappears, he’ll start smoking crack and all of a sudden, he’s just a satellite with no care for me, our future and the only win is money for the crack and the high, no matter the risk, no matter anything. When he’s had enough and the comedown kicks in he wants me again. What he never seems to notice is that every time he stops being engaged and connected with me, to me he’s suddenly lost. Completely gone. It could be for a few days, a week, with the risks of crack use, it could even be forever. And it is loss I feel every time, boarder line grief, all the things we speak about for the future are a world away, maybe for a short time. Maybe for good.

My boyfriend has covid recently. Given his age and poor lifestyle, for so long, naturally I wasn’t sure how it would affect him. As it turns out, he did get very sick, fortunately didn’t require medical intervention, has stayed at home (we are living apart at the moment, he’s alone and I’m here with my elderly mum), and he’s since recovered, but at his worst I realised that those periods in between when we spoke, while he was sleeping and I didn’t know what to expect of the next few hours, I considered if I was more scared or less. With covid being a fatal virus, how worried was I? It turns out, the feeling of concern for his health and life matched the same feeling of worry and expected loss that I have every time he gets on the crack. It gets to this big seemingly irreversible point almost every other week, sometimes more frequently. Sometimes less frequently. I’m so used to feeling like I’ve lost him now that if I actually did, I doubt it would be much of an impact on my life, which is so so sad. Living apart for us has definitely made his addiction worse, if it weren’t for covid preventing him from working, I expect it wouldn’t have got as bad as it has.

I believe the person you are trying to help overcome the addiction, in this case your mum, has to commit to wanting to give up, all be it in a small way. It doesn’t happen overnight, small steps, one at a time, but ultimately they have to want to change, otherwise, it will always just be that perpetual cycle of you trying to help, them using again, you feeling that sense of loss.

I agree with what publican said, if she could start by blocking out people who only make the problem worse, not better, that’s surely a positive thing. Anything like that will help. Until the point she will accept your help, there is not much else I think you can do, other than try in small ways to reach that point, which is (or has been in my case) a really long hard road.

I know some people do recover, but personally, I don’t know anyone who has.

That x of yours sounds like a terrible person, does he really hate you so much that he’s become an enabler to your own mothers drug addiction? The lowest of the low, you are well rid!

It sounds like you have good support of your aunt and your boyfriend, I hope that keeps you strong, I send you care and remind you to take care of yourself xxx

[liberty]

How did the test go? Well I hope.

My bf is finally getting over the covid, but decided to get back on it as soon as he could, and he lied about it, which he never usually does. Back to what he does best my best mate said. – so sad. Now as usual he’s back to being grumpy and sharp with me and again I’m trying to cut him out emotionally, because he’s lied to me. We’re just going round in circles, not going to let him get to me anymore.

Hope you’ve had a positive week. Xx

[liberty]

Coco, oh no, what happened? Do you want to talk about it (it’s ok if not), hoping for the best on Friday, do let me know. Xx

My bf is over the worst of the covid, it’s forced him to stay off the crack, he got too sick, it all got a bit scary at one point early hours of this morning, but he’s definitely turned the corner now and is much better this evening. He’d literally only smoked it hours before things got bad for him and a few days of covid have allowed him to sleep off most of the come down too. I really hope it lasts a bit longer this time. Xx

[liberty]

I agree Coco, I hope something will change for the better too.

Stay well xx

[liberty]

Likewise Coco, thanks. There’s nothing to say crack addicts are affected less or more, who knows!

I bet it was a surprise, I can imagine, from what you’ve told me he doesn’t seem the aggressive type anyway, I don’t think you’d be with him if he was, but still, a shove or a push is something better left unsaid, but not unseen, if you know what I mean. Just keep an eye out for yourself. Xxx

I am worried, yes, although he’s been in less of a grump this afternoon and his body physically can’t take the smoke, so he’s off the crack for the time being. Every cloud, I suppose! (as I shake my head).

[liberty]

Pushed you Coco?! Please be careful not to put yourself in a position where that’s even possible. That is not right, you must give him space if there’s any chance he could give you a push, that’s not right.

Can he get a different case worker? Sad that he doesn’t get on with this one, it’s a really crucial thing too.

There’s still a chance it’ll all work out, it’s all ready to go, just as soon as he can re-up on the stock he can get it moving again. I’m not holding my breath though.

My bf has covid. He’s in a stinking mood, off a comedown, he didn’t like it when I asked how he could even get covid, tells me he hasn’t been anywhere/had anyone over. I can’t even. I don’t want to lose him. Can’t do a thing!

[liberty]

Coco1212, just to add. What’s really got to me lately is two things. 1: I started an e-commerce business for him last year, a good one, with good scope to do well, registered it, had all the relevant licences put in place, trademark, website, purchased initial stock quantities, did everything for him. Told him how to do it, which he wanted, and was fine with. What happened?! He sold the stock for cash and smoked all the money. The profit would’ve been enough to re-supply stock twice over, did I see a penny of that money to be able to do that?! No. I used all the money I had this year to start that for him, he didn’t think ahead of the big win, just the instant small one. I don’t have the money to reinvest in more stock, so it’s idle. All that work. This money he has coming in will cover him paying me back cost price for the goods, baring in mind I’m not asking him to pay for anything I did to set the business up, which was a big outlay. I just wanted to see him make a success of it. Told him how. He didn’t do that. 2: I bought him one of those scooters for his birthday, he got a puncture pretty quick, was so heavy handed fixing it that he’s broken something while doing so, it now it won’t hold charge and is broken. After weeks! I really struggled to buy that too, just feels so disrespectful, you know! All this time I’ve wanted to find ways to improve our lives, I’ve finally managed to do that, and for what. I wasn’t being unrealistic, just never seeing where his priorities lie, not to the extent to which they actually are. Sick of it I am now. Sick of it.

[liberty]

Salboo, so so sorry to read your situation. My boyfriend is a life long crack addict, I know first hand what it does to the user and to anyone in their life. You’re clearly very worried about her, so you must have found it really hard to cut her out six months ago. It could be a blessing in disguise that you’re back in touch, all be it for bed circumstances.

Do you know what started your mums addiction and who, if anyone she’s involved with got her into it?

Having addiction in the family is such a heartbreaking thing. No matter how much much you want for someone you love to see how dangerous and harmful what they’re doing is, you’re also helpless as trying to reason with them can only lead to arguments and frustration, and even make the problem worse.

My only advice to you, and it’s not professional, just from my first hand experience, is to try not to fight the addiction for her. Perhaps instead try to establish why she’s got into this position in the first place.

Is your partner supportive of you in helping her?

Thinking of you, sending care xxx

[liberty]

Coco, ok, that sounds like change, that’s good, and well done for taking charge of your own feelings xx

I’m so sorry I haven’t messaged for a while, it all got a bit much, this year has been so full on.

Once every six days isn’t every day, even if he did do it on day 6, that’s a massive decrease in use, I think that’s positive.

I’m ok-ish, thank you. Surviving. Not much has changed really, we’ve had good weeks and bad weeks, I couldn’t take the risk and bubble with him for the sake of mums health, we’ve come too far. As a result I haven’t seen him in a month. At first we were good, we spoke every day, the non-using days started to build up, he was really good actually. We got a lot talked about plans for the future spoken of again, we found a new normal. But as this new lockdown went on, he became more and more frustrated, angry and depressed, he decided to pass the time with the crack in a major way again and we’ve barely spoken for over a week now. I don’t know what he’s been up to, where he’s been. He said he’s been stuck at home the whole time, but I don’t quite believe that, as he’s now sick. A cold or covid, who knows. He’s being particularly moody and dismissive with me, it’s that feeling ill and wanting attention plus the comedown as a combo. He’s got some money coming to him in a couple of weeks, more than he’s had in one go for a long while, I tried to talk to him about what he’s gonna do with it, get the bills paid that we need to settle. I’m so over him owing me for things now, especially as we’re not living together. He went all defensive, tried to claim i was thinking of myself. It just felt like that was him telling me he wants to have a missive session and he can’t wait. I just know he won’t spend it on the things WE / HE needs to spend it on. I just know what he’s planning, I think in his mind, he’s already anticipating it. The day he found out he was getting the money was the day his use increased massively. I know he just can’t wait. I can’t stop him, I can’t reason with him. The whole country is in a state, he’s alone, he’s going to just do what he wants to do. It’s heartbreaking and I can’t stop him.

I just hope that when he gets this money he’ll actually do what he should and not go so hard on the crack that it’ll be too hard. I can’t help but feel this, I’m still in that waiting to see what happens frame of mind. One of three things is about to occur, only one is good, which I just don’t know.

Nevertheless I’m trying to stay positive, trying to be more than reasonable and supportive, giving him space when he’s taking it for himself, trying not to tell him how much this distance is upsetting me. I failed at that today.

What can I do Coco?! Other than just wait, hope. Try and stay strong, so over doing all of those things.

Xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, how are you? How’s it all going? Did he get rehoused?

Thinking of you xx

[liberty]

Oh anon I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.

Life is what you make it, likely it’s not worth thinking what the future will be like, perhaps try not put too much pressure on yourself to make any major decisions, I don’t think any of us can really do that with covid anyway. It sounds like your fiancée is trying to make positive changes, perhaps he just needs time. The fact that he’s being honest about the problem is something to be thankful for.

If you haven’t seen it yet, there’s a really interesting Ted talk with Johann Hari, he talks about how the Portuguese manage addiction, it gave me hope and I’ve never forgotten it.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve wanted to convince myself to walk away, a few times I actually have. I used to question everything for days sometimes, and every time I’d decide I’d regret walking away more than I could ever regret staying, especially with the way things are now.

Do you have any support from family and friends? If he’s staying with his mum, is she supporting him in the recovery too?

Thinking of you, sending care xx

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, so good to hear you’re doing ok, I’ve been wondering how you are.

Instead of the green have you tried CBD? My boyfriend has been using the gummies and the sugar in his coffee, he’s noticed a difference, mellow without the THC element. I won’t endorse it, or suggest you try it, just sharing that it works for my bf xx

[liberty]

Anon, one thing I have learned over the years is that life with an addict means no two years are the same. My boyfriend has calmed his addiction down massively, oddly, after years of me trying to fight it for him, or at least support him, I finally gave up and accepted who he is and what he does. It’s almost funny, but as soon as I stopped caring he became more positive and his use went right down. Asking yourself if you can cope long term, it sounds to me like you’re not having to try and cope, you’re already doing better than some, and seem very logical about it all, surely that’s proof to yourself that you can.

Focusing on your kids, yourself and doing things the right way is perfect, I admire you for what you’ve had to go through, well done for getting to such a point already. Well done for standing your ground.

Mixed emotions that you’ve postponed the wedding, sad for you not to be able to do it yet, but you’ve got your priorities right by cancelling/postponing it, I’m sure.

How are your kids doing in all this, are they ok? Xx

[liberty]

Hi Anon, really sorry to read your post. I can relate in some ways, sadly not with others. I do understand how confusing it must all be, that not knowing what will happen. Do you know how long he’s been doing the coke for? Is he a drinker, if you don’t mind me asking and does he just do it off the knuckles, or does it smoke it too?

Are you managing to take care of yourself and your kids? To me, the question isn’t will he change, for me the question is will you?

With my bf, I do now have a level of acceptance that there isn’t some magic normal for us waiting at the end of a struggle where his life is drugs free and we’re happy. What we have right now/have had for some years is our normal, his addiction impacts him and us in varying degrees. Less so (thankfully) since he’s got older, but lockdown and covid has impacted us/him majorly.

Aside from the drugs issue, please please consider how binding a marriage is and ask yourself – “why do I want to get married” and to please be real with yourself, nothing wrong with that. You already have children (which can be one reason a couple gets married), so do you want to do it because you want a wedding? If you’re paying for everything, I urge you to be cautious, nothing wrong with waiting a bit. As someone who was married, i know that whatever horrible situation you think you’re in facing a drugs issue with your fiancée, having to walk away from a marriage is unimaginably and unpredictably hard. I’m not suggesting marriage is the wrong thing, I’m just saying, being uncertain about him and his addiction is perhaps not a strong foundation for a marriage, I urge you to be careful xx

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