[liberty]

Coco1212, well done for making a stand, but at the same time, I’m so sorry to hear it’s got to that.

What must your kids have been thinking? Are they ok?

Him wanting more like that during the night, ignoring that you and the kids all need sleep and to rest, I don’t know what to say, that’s addiction. Totally. My bf does the same when he’s gradually been increasing his intake, that’s the kind of thing that happens when he gets bad, but a few days later he’s had too much and slows right down again.

I really don’t have any advice other than to make sure you take care of yourself, be careful with your valuables and car keys I suppose, that’s what I do, not that I have much of any value, and I’m guessing you do this instinctively now anyway.

Sending care. Take care of yourself Coco xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I completely agree! I guess I know, but I just don’t know, it’s no life is it. Not a lifestyle choice if ever choose. Some days I think my bf likes the struggle and just doesn’t know any better.

If he asks for money for phone credit again, perhaps consider buying a bundle instead of giving him the credit? – the little tricks I found to call his bluff. When it comes to cash for us, with my bf it’s just a flat no.

[liberty]

Oh Coco1212, I can only imagine what was going through your mind when they said that.

Did they discuss your options for next steps if your bf really doesn’t improve, surely child protection services is only a precautionary measure, because of what’s happening with your bf, just by association.

The big bad wolf! Honestly, you are not your bfs parent, he is not your child.

And where does he expect all this to go? How does he expect it to end. Where does he see himself in 5 years time!

To a degree I think some days my bf accepts that a lifelong addiction means he might not wake up tomorrow. In a way he just doesn’t seem to care. Well sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. I know he sees himself as lucky, especially as many of his addict friends either overdosed, or were killed in a drug related incident. Thinking back I don’t think I’ve ever asked him how that makes him feel and I just don’t know where he sees himself/us in 5 years. I’ll make a point of asking, when he starts talking to be again!

[liberty]

Coco1212, What happened? Why don’t you think it went ok?

I feel the same, it really gets me down too. I’m totally being ignored now. I’ve just been offered a big piece of freelance work, which tbh I’ll struggle to do, it’ll be over Xmas and I really just want a break. But the money should be good and as my bf isn’t doing anything to maintain financial stability, I feel under pressure to accept it. I tried to talk to him about it and he said I’m being all negative and told me to stop moaning, but what he’s missing is that I don’t want to do it and really I’m only doing it to support him, or rather so I don’t have to tell him I can’t afford to spend all the money I do on food and transport.

If I tell him the only positives are that, he’ll just throw it back in my face.

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. I just want him to say “it’s ok, I’ll not waste all my money on crack and will be able to afford to feed us so you don’t have to worry all the time” – or something along those lines. But no, that’s not going to happen. I’m giving him the best of me and leaving nothing for myself.

I get that there’s a lot to be thankful for, but there’s also ways of making life harder and it feels like that’s all we both seem to be doing. Mostly because of his addiction. When will life just be a bit easier.

Xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, you do already have a lot on your plate with your bf and it sounds like you’re busy with work. Not to mention we also have Xmas next week, no wonder you’re feeling under pressure. Sending care, perhaps time is all you need on your side here. I’m sure things will get a bit calmer again soon. So much pressure on all of us at this time of year and covid is only making it worse!

Do you get any support at home with anything? I hope so,

My bf is in that frustration headspace again. He was all positive, but his intentions just got left behind and he’s just same ole same ole, a few days of some green and chilling, and that’s all forgotten.

It breaks my heart every time.

I hope your meeting goes well. Take care xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, all eyes are on you or your eyes are on you? Who’s really watching really? Are you fearful of failing with your bf, or of failing the family unit? His addiction isn’t down to your failure, it’s his and it’s down to him to acknowledge and take a stand to improve the situation, which he clearly recognises because he’s getting support.

You’re caught him out with his mum then, it infuriates my bf when I do/did that. I bet that didn’t go down well. Well done for forcing him to see the wrong, brave of you. Well done for taking a stand. Does his mum know what he was doing?

You’re so right, it’s fear of losing me. Thanks for keeping me grounded. I do know my self worth, I also know his, I remind him of all his non-drug-related qualities, but I’m not afraid to walk away.

His son has taken a stand and told him that after a lifetime of crack he’s had his fill and it’s time to slow down. He’s become really worried about losing him, he’s seen the changes in his body recently, just as I have. My bf actually listened to his son I think, although time will tell. For now, hopefully it seems he’s back in the room, back in touch with the family, me, his son, and not tucked away with some group of addicts passing time. This weekend one of his ‘mates’ gave him a joint laced with brown. He didn’t realise it at the time, but felt totally sick and unwell after. He threw up and really wasn’t right, we had plans to look at more flats, but I ended up just picking him up from his son’s and taking him home. I cooked him a massive roast chicken dinner with all the veg, gravy, and a dessert. He tidied while I cooked – the house and was a mess! His body was really achy, so I gave him a proper fuss. It was like rubbing over a horse or puppy. He just stood there hands on the ceiling while I shook out his legs, shoulders and arms. That seemed to really help. He was back to his self again within a few hours. A little win to me.

Xxxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, it does take years. Perhaps try and relax a bit more, I think hearing that the support workers have such a positive view is encouraging. It’s been what, 2 months surely there’s been progress in thar time, I just know there has.

Also, I think you’re like me in that you try and live some else’s problem so as to fix it. Offering him advice as to what to say could be seen in more ways than one. On one hand you’re a rational, sensible mind administering logical advice, but on the other he may see this as you trying to mother him. It’s such a fine line. That’s the case for my bf and I. I do have to try hard to be positive or not speak at all, but I’m a firm believer in we have to let people make their own mistakes.

What you said about emotional blackmail keeps with me, you’re so right. Apparently I’m lucky to have him as my bf, even though he’s an addict. I’m just not listening to that anymore. Not in a nasty way, but I’d like come on, get real.

Are you taking any time off for Christmas? Seems like a little break might do you the world of good xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, no way you have absolutely NOT yet your children down. Do the support and case worker both know how he’s begging you for money you haven’t got? Provided you don’t give him the money, if you keep saying no, provided you’re not putting yourself in any danger, surely he’ll have to stop asking at some point? If my bf says “can you help me out” and it’s clear what it’s for, I flat out say no every time and he rarely asks anymore. If he does I say no, I don’t even try and explain myself, he’s not stupid, he knows why I say no. Usually I take myself out the room, stare at him blankly and change the subject or I just hang up the phone.

Coco1212, you may think that you’re stuck in the same perpetual situation, but I know although it may seem that way, you’re not. Every month you learn something new, and time means change, either in big fast boom kind of chunks or slow teeny bits. Change is change and although I don’t know how things will change for you and for your situation, I know it will happen either way.

Is there at least any comfort in hearing what the support and case workers say, that is is determined, they must see a lot. He’s either a very good actor or they see something they’re genuinely positive about. I hope the latter xxxxx

Now that things are improving, I’ve decided to get my own place, somewhere new for me. My bf keeps talking as though he’ll be moving in. I’m finding it hard to tell him it’s my place. I’ve told him it’s to be a drug and smoke free zone. I don’t need to justify my rules to him, I’m a non smoker non drug taker, I actually gave up drinking last month (just fancied it, or rather went off it). My place, my money, my rules. If he wants to show up and contribute, that may change, although if I’m honest I’m not sure I want it to. What’s wrong with being a couple and living apart? I don’t want to upset him because I do still love my bf, but I want him to stay where he is. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now. What else can I do/say to be direct, but not dismissive. I just don’t know anymore xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I don’t think I’ve heard so much frustration and anger before in your sentences, are you ok? With your children changing their views must make it tough, what do they know about what’s going on?

I would call addiction more a dysfunction. My perception is people usually try it either because they’re bored and need to escape, or because they have regrets and dissatisfactions they wish to block out, likely there are more than these, but these are what I’ve had experience of. You’re right though, it’s a lifestyle choice, but to a point in my view. I know that only one use of crack can create a slight dependency and need to rediscover the same feeling, I’ve always guessed that only intensifies with time.

My bf is still quiet, he won’t see his dad, he isn’t calling any of the family back, he’s just doing what he wants to pass the time. It’s only been a week since I last saw him, but almost out of nowhere one of his teeth has gone totally black. I haven’t seen that of him before. Also, he has a tiny bald patch in the strangest of places, that did start over the summer, but it’s totally clear now. It makes me wonder if part of his brain has suffered so much trauma rhat it’s beginning to show in his hair. Also, his lymph nodes are up again all over his body – this has happened once before when he was totally on it. I don’t know what to think! I’m worried but in a way also not worried. Yes I care about his health, but what he does to his body is his own choice and a reflection of those poor choices, not mine xxx

[liberty]

Unknown123, welcome here, so sorry to hear what your going through, you are not alone.

Do you think his addiction is new for him or that he’s just hidden it for a long time? He could very well be like my boyfriend, high functioning.

I do believe when he says, “never again” he means it – my boyfriend does, but all changes when his physiologically his brain craves the fix again. It’s only when my bf has built it up to the point where he’s really on it solid and has then had enough that his use eases off.

How is he managing to pay for this? If you don’t mind me asking. Did he move in with you to save money?

Also. Most importantly, are you and your children safe and if you haven’t already done so have you considered calling social services? Xx

Stay safe, keep well. Sending care xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I so relate! I’ve reached the point where I have to have an airtight counter argument if I’m going to confront my bf, of course, it doesn’t always happen like that.

And I’ve heard exactly the same myself any number of times. Totally out for days and then suddenly he’s had enough, until enough of it has left his body and the serious cravings kick in. Again! Stuck in that perpetual vicious cycle. There must be so much self hate going on.

With my bf he’s spent so long being told people were disappointed in him, anything I say to express my own feelings for betrayal or disappointment just do the exact reverse of what it would do to me. With me it would make me rethink and adjust my actions. With my bf he just hides away does what he wants but away from prying eyes of those who may possibly judge him. Including me. Oh coco, I don’t know, it’s a life isn’t it!

What did you say when he told you no more and he needs to stop doing what he’s doing? How did you respond? Xx

Ah and yes, thank you. Today after 3 days of absolutely nothing, 3 days of my calls being ignored and my texts not read, he rang and spoke for like 10 mins, big whoop. Really knows how to make a girl feel special. At least he didn’t ask for money, food or credit, which I suppose is the lamest positive and if it wasn’t all so sad I may even attempt a laugh Xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, did he come back? I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry. We both know where he’s likely gone, I expect he won’t confirm or deny either way. Mine doesn’t, I’ve backed off totally again now, given him his space, given myself some space and feel miles better for the distance and I feel I’m better off for escaping the drama of my texts and confronting him.

Hope you’re keeping safe and well. Xx

[liberty]

PeartreeGirl, I can empathise with you in different ways. The addiction is an emotional and financial burden, I feel that too, I used to work 2 jobs (7days a week pre covid). I don’t enable my bf directly, but I feed him and keep him. It is hard, where’s the mutually beneficial relationship here?! In my case there isn’t. We’ve come close to it, with covid we’re further than ever. In the feeling trapped in the marriage situation, I can definitely relate. The two situations don’t overlap for me, but I did walk away from a picture perfect life and marriage with a manipulative controlling liar who has the emotional intelligence of a 10yr old. – all of this was proven in counselling btw. Irrespective of the drug use, if your marriage isn’t working, you have the right to address that properly. It took for me to leave the marital home completely before my husband finally accepted the situation and agreed to attend counselling. I didn’t leave so as to force his hand, his lies literally got to the point where I couldn’t go home, I couldn’t pretend to everyone that all was fine anymore, but it was the catalyst for us to address the situation fully together. Are you taking any steps to secure your future if you do decide to leave the marriage? If not, it might be worth considering. I’d also really strongly recommend some counselling if you can get it, if you get a good one, it’s incredible. All may not be lost and in marriage terms I always think we are obligated to try, and to give the other person the chance to try, it does all sound very one sided in your case, what is he doing to improve the marriage? The decision to leave my marriage is still something I question sometimes now, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, it did and still does (to a degree) carry such emotional, circumstantial and financial burden, but we are not obligated to stay if it just isn’t and cannot work.

Sending you care and support, and reassuring you that you’re not alone. Xxxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, thank you for thinking of me and don’t worry, nothing you can say is too heavy, we’ve all been dealing with this for so long, the truth doesn’t hurt so much anymore and I appreciate honesty! I just appreciate your support. How have you been?

I was ready to walk away, he reeled me back in only to just ignore me like I don’t exist. It’s punishing. We even went looked at a new flat together, now I regret letting my guard down again and I wish we hadn’t.

I’m still undecided about reaching out beyond this site, but I’ll keep you posted. How about you?

Xxx

[liberty]

YGZR, thank you for posting. You mustn’t feel ashamed, I’m grateful for you to offer your support, I think, in reality, I’ve got a solid grip on things in my own mind, if anything, sharing my experience here has just helped me bring to light what I already knew. But for me, and I don’t know if you’ve read back this entire thread, and I feel it’s not just me, but for me, this moment in has become really pivotal. I’m not sure if it’s a consequence of Covid, and I suspect that is partly to blame, but now is absolutely the time to be connected with people. That’s the other thing I’ve tried to do here.

It’s my belief that addiction is such an underground problem, it impacts so many people and the suffering and battles fort lost and won are all, to a degree, hidden. I too believe there is a solution, not in the form of a magic pill, but perhaps raising awareness is somehow on the right track to finding it. Personally I think unless production of these illegal substances can be completely stopped at source, the problem of addiction will always exist and will just be something to be managed.

I definitely can relate to your situation and if I can, although I’m not too well placed to do this, I’m not a professional by any means, but I’ll try my best to support you also by sharing my experiences. You are not alone and I think you’re so brave to reach out.

Just curious, and you don’t have to answer this, but is your husband a drinker in my experience, coke and alcohol go hand-in-hand. Just wondering if that’s the case for you.

Sending care and support xx

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