[liberty]

Coco1212, thank you, you’re totally right – “ What is he doing to save your relationship?” – exactly! What is he doing?! My bf and I talked about what happened, we were both calm and rational. We’re similar in the way we feel and perceive things, he knew exactly how much he’d hurt me, he talked it through from his view, then let me explain in depth, and he acknowledged what I’d said, said sorry, we’ve moved on.

Do you know what I’ve realised also though, and I’m not sure if you find this too, I’m also shocked I’ve never really reached this point before, but for my boyfriend I often go beyond my own moral and financial boundaries, just to protect him or make him happy. I told him this much.

I’ve also done a lot of reading of other people’s circumstances lately too, it’s terrifying isn’t it. Off the back of that, I’ve asked him something I’ve never really asked in a direct way before. I said “what will it take to make you stop?” Such a simple question. Because at some point sooner or later, and I feel, with how he is these days sadly it’ll be sooner, I believe there could be some really real detrimental consequences of his addiction to his health and/or life. I don’t think I’m the only one to see it either. A girl his son knows (not close, but grew up with) died of an accidental overdose recently. I think it really scared his son, because he told my bf that he really needs to call it all a day. He hasn’t, but oddly out of the blue my bf asked me if someone would know they’re dying. I had no idea what to say, it made it feel extremely worried, but I ignored it and changed the conversation. What could I say?! Yesterday he was calling me asking for some money so he can get on it again. Obviously I declined, as I always do. I don’t know where he got the money from, but I haven’t heard from him today which means he’s on it.

It’s all becoming so so tragic. You’re right also, I don’t want to end the relationship. If I walked away and something happened to him, I could never forgive myself.

Coco, have you seen the post about help, I’m sure that applies to both of us. Xxx

Hope you’re keeping safe and well xxx

[liberty]

Coco, where does it end?! I wish I knew for both of us. I feel for you and your children, what must be going through their minds when those things are happening. Have they been close to their grandparents before? My grandmother had some life-long issues with her mental health. She’d watched her parents divorce and then nursed her mother through cancer to her death and never quite got over all that. I do also think she regretted not marrying a man she was engaged before she married my grandad, but that aside, she wasn’t of stable mind. She died a long time ago, but for the last 10 years of her life she wasted away in a care home for the mentally ill, her body as fit as an ox, her mind full of anger and fear. It was in these last years that it all became apparent that prior to this, after my grandad died and when she lived alone, she’d turned the rest of the family against my dad and my mum. She’d told so many lies about them Ill-treating her, so as to appear the victim, and they believed it all. For years. Until at the end of her life, they saw for themselves what she was like. Sadly my dad died before any of this was realised, his brother, who had distanced himself for years said how he’d regretted doing so. It was all down to my grandmother’s untruths. I hope your boyfriend hasn’t spoken Ill of you or his children in an attempt to mask his addiction, you can’t react to it if he has. Allowing him to change the views of his parents isn’t a reflection on you or them, it’s a reflection of the vulnerability created by his addiction.

I ordered my bf some food this evening, he’s literally down to nothing apparently, which I do believe. Then he disappeared. Again. It was enough to make all the thoughts of the last few days come back, so I started to question why I helped him out with food, why did I take pity on him after he’d been so nasty to me. I was so angry at myself, and tried to reach him, I couldn’t and that only made it worse. He was ‘online’ while I sent the messages, but just didn’t read them. Then, he claimed he’d been out and left his phone at home! A blatant lie. Well as you can imagine, this really pissed me off. I told him I can’t trust him, he’s a liar, has no respect for me. We’ve left it there and now I’m trying to understand why I got so angry, am i sabotaging our relationship? Am I clutching at reasons to walk away. I am again asking “does he even care” – but this time do I want to tell myself yes, or do I want to do enough to make myself think that he doesn’t, so I can walk away.

If he’d cheated it would be easier, but he hasn’t, I’m second to crack instead.

The sadness is, there’s a lot about my life that my mum and my friends don’t know. Ive never introduced my boyfriend to anyone except one friend, once. We’ve led very separate lives from the perspective of my family. If I’m honest, I tried once to introduce my mum to him very early on, but she got really upset about the type of man she perceived him to be. I didn’t even give her the bad bits! She doesn’t even know about the drugs, but if she met him, she’d see from his appearance (his teeth) what he does.

I feel terrible because, firstly, I’m trying to protect my mum and my friends from worrying about me, and secondly Ive been trying to protect him from them, from feeling he’s no good. In a way also, shamefully, I am the sweetheart of the family, and I do and don’t like that, because deep down I’m not a sweetheart. All this time I’ve lived with a huge secret and shame of loving this man who is an addict, but who makes me happy, the drugs aside. It may not be exactly what I thought I wanted for my life, but I tried living what I thought I wanted with the picture-perfect house, marriage and lifestyle, and even though I thought I’d chosen well, my husband turned out to be controlling, manipulative and have the emotional capacity of a 10yr old. Of course, it was only a matter of time before someone charming came along, paid me lots of attention and led me into an affair – another secret I’ve never shared with my family. That was my ‘brief encounter’ romance, sadly I’ve regretted it since. (He wasn’t my boyfriend, I met him after all that happened.)

The burden of these things I think is finally taking its toll.

I am happy with my boyfriend, for the most part, even if it isn’t ideal. He’s, for the most part, happy with me. Like I said, I’ve become a part of his family, even if he hasn’t become part of mine. It all works, to a degree.

I’m at a crossroads, totally. If it weren’t for the drugs, I genuinely do think everything would be beyond great, but the addiction still looms over him, me and our lives together as a result. I honestly don’t know what’s for the best anymore.

Xxx

[liberty]

Thank you Coco! Xxx

Glad to hear he wasn’t too bad. How have you been finding everything, do you feel you’ve got more control?

He apologised a couple of times on text, which I ignored. He said he didn’t like knowing he’d made me feel horrible. He continued to call me, I sat and watched it ring thinking I have nothing to say. Then, out of the blue his sister text me to ask me how I was keeping – this literally never happens. He said he didn’t know she did that, I’m not sure I believe him. In the evening I felt I wanted to talk it through, let him know how he’d made me feel. He apologised and was his usual sensible and intelligent self, so the anger subsided.

I do still have more doubts about him than I’ve had in a long time. How often do we regret cutting someone out of our lives? Especially if there’s a certain amount of vulnerability to their situation. Especially when they’re such a big part our lives?!

How did you do it? How did you split from your bf? I know he’s still clearly in your life, but how and why, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you tell him it was over and do you regret it? Xxx

[liberty]

I have to say, that’s not what I expected, sounds like he made an effort. Ok, so he’s missed it for the weekend. That’s two days, if he can’t get it elsewhere, I’m hoping you’ll have a chilled weekend and that he’ll bare the cravings, keep a cool head. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you xx

Things got worse here, he’s been quite nasty, saying things about my behaviour and body (I’ve gained weight on lockdown not swimming, not doing my classes etc, who hasn’t big deal!), and when I say I can’t fight it anymore, I literally can’t. It just makes me feel now I don’t care if you don’t support me, I don’t care if you want to be crewel, this is all in your mind, it’s not a reflection of my behaviour or who I am. It doesn’t bother me anymore, I have no more to argue back.

I decided not to call his sister, I figured what’s the worst that can happen! He’ll get on it, maybe he’ll go out try steel some stuff to do more and end up in a cell – always a possibility when he’s really chasing the buzz. And I thought, if that’s the silly choice he wants to make, that’s down to him.

This morning he apologised, but I just can’t be bothered to talk to him. For the first time in forever, I just want some space and being with my mum during covid, coincidentally, I have that. What do I do from here?! Just going to go with what I feel, and right now, it could go either way. It’s a bit disappointing really, to say the least.

Xxx

[liberty]

How and why would he even see the guy who got him on it in the first place if he’s genuinely trying to stop! Does he know that you know who that guy is? Is there any way you can stop him driving your car? Urgh, I really don’t know what the solution is. Are you ok? Really hoping he just went for a drive and came back again xxx

All day I hear nothing from him, I expect he was asleep, he rang me this evening just to tell me he was not alright and why would I blah blah, he said he’s not in a good way, called me lots of things, including dumb and some pretty low stuff. I’m not going to fight it. I know who I am and who I’m not. In his right mind he does know why I’m with him and he has enough around him to be reminded of that.

I’m wondering if I should ask his sister to ring him, tell her he’s been a bit up and down, but I worry he’ll tell me off for letting her know he’s not in the best frame of mind. And he isn’t right now, he’s totally not and other than speak to his sister I’m not sure what else I can do?! X

[liberty]

Coco, he’s sabotaged me. He brought up in conversation me calling him a scummy crack addict earlier this year, forced me to admit if I thought that was true. Which lets face it, sometimes he is one and that’s what I said. He’s basically sabotaged me into telling him he’s a failure, now he can say f the world, f her, and just get on it again. I’ve told him this time, I’m not going to fight it. If he wants to try and think, me, the person on this earth who cares more for him than anyone, believes he’s a failure, he’s got another think coming. I’ve told him not to ask for an apology.

This all started because we were talking about goals, things we each want to achieve. He doesn’t acknowledge his goals because he’s scared to be labelled a failure. Instead he said his only goal is to wake up every day. Which it isn’t, he’s trying to gain weight and get driving again, he knows I fully support that.

I hope he doesn’t self destruct now, but what can I do?!

Forcing myself to just leave him now, hoping he’ll come to his senses!

X

[liberty]

Coco1212, a 5hr sleep, that’s good. I hope that did him some good, glad this week hasn’t been too bad, long may that steadily continue. 🙂

It sounds like there’s been so many unpleasant things happen for you all in a very short space of time, and I understand what you mean. The first year after any major life event like the ones you’ve gone through are bound to be something to fear, but it will pass. You’ll get there xxx

My bf has been good during lockdown generally, but he’s struggling more as the weeks pass, he asked me to lend him money today. Of course I said no, told him I don’t want him getting the taste for it again and all that. I only see negatives. He knows not to ask me for crack money, so I think this means he’s getting desperate for it. I just hope it’ll pass.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Oddly I’ve always struggled with it, but i don’t feel the pressure this year. It’s like it doesn’t matter what happens, I don’t have to please loads of people for once! Xx

[liberty]

Oh Coco, that’s heartbreaking. You can’t live by what if. Ive fallen with my bf, but never gone full term, for whatever reason it wasn’t meant to be. I’m certain my bfs habit may be partially if not solely responsible. You made a very brave decision and I encourage you to try and forgive yourself for that. I’m sure you gave it every consideration at the time, I’m sure you did what you decided was best for everyone. Don’t now question your ability to make decisions, I’m sure you’re very level headed, you wouldn’t be able to deal with all this chaos otherwise. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but a scientific study of the bodies of addicts found that the substance they use is found at a cellular level in every single part of their body, including sperm. I’m not sure how viable this is, but that’s what I’ve blamed what happened to me on. As though the delicate biological balance of life just wasn’t right, sorry to get all whimsical, but you know what I mean.

How’s he been this week, how are you doing? My bf has been quiet again, disappearing every night, just like usual. I’m not asking if he’s doing crack again everyday, but he’s got the attitude to suggest he is and he’s been to see his son again a few times this week, which says it all. So close, still so far!

I don’t know about you, but while we’re in this covid world I feel like I’m/we’re just treading water, not really coming or going. Can’t wait for this all to be over, hoping for better times when we all have more to be positive about.

Although saying that, I got a little unexpected bonus from work this week, booked myself in to have my nails done and a hair cut next week, which I’m in real need of. Amazing how long we exist forgetting to look after ourselves!

Coco, reminding you to, if you get the chance, remember to look after yourself xxx

Xxx

[liberty]

Coco, it’s taken years of trial and error for me to get where I am now, don’t be so hard on yourself, one little battle at a time and I’m sure you have more control than you think.

My husband did want kids, I decided I do, just not with him. He was very manipulative and controlling you see. All water under the bridge now.

Xx

[liberty]

I realise that was all very heavy for a Sunday, hope I haven’t said too much. X

[liberty]

Coco, you are far from pathetic, juggling all this, working through covid and raising kids… perspective girl, you’re incredible!

I think you should try not to let him make you angry, it doesn’t do any good for you or him. If you need to, just walk away, go to the bathroom for 3 mins. I do that sometimes, its a lifesaver. Maybe give it a try.

I’m not sure if you’ve found this, but I find I get angry at suspecting my boyfriend is hiding something or glossing over the truth, but I get even more mad when he admits to it. I actually hate being right now, and we’ve lived through so many examples of this, that I just now assume I’m always 80-100% correct and move on. Being right gets us nowhere, me and my boyfriend I mean. I get the satisfaction of being right, the satisfaction of him admitting he was wrong, maybe a flimsy apology, but what does that solve? Does it make him change his behaviour. No, because addiction is more complex than that. I wish it were as easy as trying to discipline a child, but it’s not. Most of the time me being right just makes him more angry and he’ll just gloss it over even more or completely fall off the planet and ignore me. Crack always wins. Until your boyfriend actually decides not to use drugs anymore, irrespective of his motivation, it’s something only he can do himself. Until then, the drugs will win.

For me, I’ve actually now reached a point where I can’t pull him up on it anymore, we both know I’m right, we both know crack always wins over me. I’ve chosen not to chase an apology or the satisfaction that he confirms I’m right anymore. I just don’t even go there now, but what I do do is not immediately think the worst.. I.e… I’ll assume I’m right, by about 80% severity. And I don’t think about it anymore. The more I think about his actions and consider what the truth actually is, the worse off he is in my mind haha… I do tend to over think things and that leads me to thinking the absolute worst. (I hope this is making sense). Basically, I don’t waste my brain power on questioning his poor lifestyle choices. His addiction had less power over him than ever, i don’t think my chance in attitude in this way is solely responsible for that, but I’m sure it’s helped.

I do encourage you to give your bf the benefit of the doubt, if he says his use is lower than before, it probably is, but depends what low is to him!

And I absolutely don’t have it together, far from it. I’ve been living this longer, that’s all. And my life could be considered a train wreck. I was married before I met my bf, i am still married actually. I didn’t leave my husband for my boyfriend, I didn’t know him then, i left my husband because I realised I wanted children, but didn’t want them with him, I had the life, but not the man. My boyfriend was everything my husband wasn’t, but he’s an addict. I only really accepted it so quickly, I didn’t realise the extent of his addiction at first, but I accepted it so I wouldn’t go back to my husband. I couldn’t take another break up, but I also didn’t want to give up on him. I believed, and I still do, that if the crack wasn’t there, life would be everything ive always wanted it to be. Likely I’m just delusional, all this time I’ve been waiting, hoping, praying. Should I have gone back to my husband, should I have left my crack addict boyfriend, could I have found more happiness elsewhere, who knows. I don’t regret anything I’ve done, currently. At least I don’t think I do, but will I?! Only time will tell.

I hope that doesn’t make me sound like too much of loser haha!

Night Coco, be kind to yourself, you’re amazing! Xxxx

[liberty]

I Coco1212, my bf says he’d rather be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. God it’s infuriating hearing that he lied to you about taking the car, weather he planned to use it for so long or not. I wonder if he only brought it back because he was running out of petrol, didn’t have money to buy more, but knew he needed to get it home. At least he had the respect to actually bring it home so you could get to work. What happened to his own car?

I bet most convicted criminals would claim they’re good people, I don’t think anyone is completely good, I know I’m not a saint, but I have enough balance and self control to make what I consider to be wise and non-transgressive decisions. My bf has been a very bad guy, he’s made too many poor lifestyle choices which have impacted his life and the lives of others. Does he deserve goodness and kindness from others, some may say not, but I believe that everyone does. But the day that my bf makes me regret the care and love I give him, will be the day I want him out of my life. He’s done one very scummy thing that I nearly didn’t forgive him for. I gave him a second chance, I won’t give him a third.

If you’ve got burning questions, maybe consider asking? I personally would. In the early days, like I said, well probably always actually, when my bf is high I’ve asked him all sorts and he’s usually so buzzed that he answers anything. I wouldn’t be prepared for a proper conversation, but if you’re not aggressive, or threatening, if you keep any questions simple, and you’re tactful about how you word it, you know, no spite, I bet he’d listen. Maybe just ask him how he feels the treatment is going one month in or something? That’s a valid question. Best of luck if you do.

This may sound strange, but how are his teeth?

Xxx

[liberty]

Coco, sorry, I mean police his rules as in if he tells you to hold Sunday’s dose and he forces you to give it to him there’s a point where you can’t enforce his rule, that’s what I mean. Hopefully I’m understanding everything right to explain that clearly enough.

It is tough, because at the same time you don’t want to be an enabler right?!

I totally relate. Sharing what I did might not be right for you, I just hope it helps. You know your situation better than anyone, only you can know what’s best. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with all this. You have helped me too actually, thank you for your honesty and opinions, sharing the past few months has really helped me get perspective. I can only tell my friends so much, you know, so no I don’t have them supporting me. Not because they’re judgey, but because they’d only worry if I tell them too much. Also, I don’t like them to think bad of him, he’s my partner. I do have help from my bfs sister. Not so much directly, she doesn’t live close, but she and my bf speak often and she and I get along well, we both want him to be healthy and happy, so although we don’t talk about things, I know I’m not the only one trying to help him build a good life.

Does your bf have any cousins or other family he can connect with?

My bf had a difficult relationship with his dad too. As a kid he was beaten regularly, he also lived in care for a while, he had it rough for sure. He and his dad hadn’t spoken in years until recently. Yes his dad did some really horrid stuff to him as a kid, but his dad’s a frail old man now, my bf has finally got past the anger. That’s helped improve his general well-being for sure, helped the habit subside.

It’s such a complex thing. There’s no one solution to addiction, just ways to manage it and work on what may have contributed to starting it/making it worse in the background. I know for sure that if I leave my bf he’d go mega downhill, I don’t want that to happen, I don’t have to stay, it may not seem it, but my life is better for having him in it and that’s what keeps us going.

Here for you, thanks for your kindness also xxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, I’m just reminded of a friend who’s brother is an alcoholic, he’s had a rocky past, volatile relationships, cutting himself off from family, disappearing, living on the streets. He’s currently back living with their dad. My friend said she wants her brother to look after himself a bit more, eat healthy, drink semi skimmed milk, rather than full fat, which apparently he likes. She was in a disagreement with her dad about milk, because he buys his son full fat, what he wants, even if it thinks it isn’t as good for him. What my friend didn’t realise at the time, she does now, is that by buying full fat milk, their dad isn’t trying to not look after him, he’s trying to keep him safe. If he didn’t support with with he wanted there’d be arguments and my mates brother could go awol again, which is not what anyone wants. Although it’s not the healthiest thing to do, their dad just does it to prevent a worse situation.

A totally different situation I know, but basically sometimes doing what we’d consider good just doesn’t work for everyone. By policing certain rules we risk retaliation.

My bf is a very strong and has been a very violent man. To other men, not to me. He’s a total alpha. He’s never hit me, but accidents have happened in moments of complete anger. I don’t like that really angry side of him. That’s how far things have sometimes gone when I’ve stopped him getting crack in some way or ruined it for him.

Basically Coco I’m encouraging you to please protect yourself and him to a degree. If his anger escalates he could go awol again or worse, I’m hoping he’s not a violent man for your sake.

Again stay safe Coco xx

[liberty]

Rehab, coco1212, wouldn’t that be a luxury. If only. My bf said prison was the free rehab, I can’t see it as that, but I hear what he’s saying. – it’s the weekend, so he’s back to being a satellite again.

Oh no, the paranoia. I know how you feel. It’s so hard, you want to help and not want to become his enemy at the same time, I went through the same. That’s when I started to just walk away. Leaving the room didn’t end the conversation more often than not though, not in the beginning, it took me a while longer to realise I could never win, but when I did I stopped fighting. Do you think your bf knows what he’s doing to himself? What if you stop trying to intervene and police his own rules? What would happen? I’ve found that to not be his enemy, sometimes I have to not be his friend. Letting my bf get on with it I think helped him actually. Its like to him I was always fighting his fight, but when I stopped questioning, stopped catching him out, stopped pulling him up on it, it was as though he was like “hang on, she doesn’t care anymore, id better fix up a bit” – as he might put it. That’s how I imagine he must’ve considered it anyway, that’s how it felt to me.

The logic that sometimes you have to let a person make their own mistakes. I totally live by that now.

Also, if you and him agree completely as to how he wants you to support him and he then tries to move the goal posts / tries to get around you / tried to break his own rules, that’s his failure, not yours. He has to take ownership of his own problem. If he gets cross at you, re-agree the terms of how you support him. Eventually you’ll have to get to a point where he’s unable to penalise you. You have to look out for number one Coco. You mustn’t be his enemy, even, as I say, if that means you’re also not his friend.

Stay safe xxxx

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