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Coco1212, how are you doing?

It’s heartbreaking yes, it can be. You can’t let it get you down though, he’s so lucky to have you.

As much I don’t like to wish ill of people, I hope that dealer is caught for whatever it is he’s involved with. Many a time I’ve wanted to punch a dealer in the face, and I’m the most non-aggressive person ever.

Sounds like your guy has a lot of unstable relationships to hide from, seems like you’re the only stable thing in his life. Is this lack of support for him just because of covid, or would it be like this anyway? When my bf attended drugs rehabilitation it was group sessions, they’d all drink mint tea and share stories, he was given an acupuncture bead in his ear, but it was just a little plastic ball stuck on with some nursing tape. He took it all seriously and I think he enjoyed the chats, but it didn’t make a difference to him. I think he genuinely needed 1:1 counselling, I feel like your guy would benefit from that too, but I have no idea how he can get some.

He disappeared for a day. It was enough to remind me to stay real about it all, but thankfully he’s still doing well! I’m not saying a thing to him. It feels like we’re in a good place again, still a long way to go through.

Xx

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Oh I spoke too soon. he’s disappeared… again!

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Coco1212, “teach you a lesson” wow, i don’t know what to say to that. Did you both agree that you would hold Sunday’s dose?! I take it you did, part of me thinks it’s not for his best, but for your best, next time let him have it. Protect yourself, you’ve spent enough energy trying to protect him, if he has to go against what he’d agreed, he should be the one to suffer the consequences, not you. It’s so hard though, I get it, where do you draw the line?! I’ve asked myself many a time.

I don’t like the sound of the friend, that’s such a shame he’s into crack.

What do your boyfriends parents think? Is there anyone else offering support in all of this? Xxxx

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Coco1212, you’ve hit the nail on the head, such control. Almost to the point of the unconscious selfishness I think, addiction cannot be underestimated. It’s almost like having a controllable way to feel good. How accurate that is I don’t know, but that’s the way I see it.

My boyfriend never answers the phone when he’s doing it either, it’s like he’s hiding and is pretending he’s ‘too busy to miss the call’, but by not answering my calls I know what he’s doing. I let him come to me now, I gave up trying to speak to him.

Things really are going from strength to strength now for my bf, I kinda almost feel guilty about the good change in him, literally every day he’s telling me something I’ve tried to tell him myself. (And when I say try, I mean try.)

He told me all of the following today, that he is acknowledging/needs to –

. Stop being angry about the damage to his teeth and stop the thing that’s damaging them

. The same behaviour doesn’t give a different outcome

. 30 years of partying is enough

. Start finding other ways to feel good

. Lockdown has given him space to think

I couldn’t make it up!

Ironic really, I’ve finally accepted him to the point where I don’t care if he does what he does anymore, it’s his life/his body/his choice and he’s stupid or doesn’t care. I’d decided to live my life and not have his behaviour impact me in any detrimental way. I literally stopped trying to fight his habit and leave him to it. And now he decides is the time to stop! Typical.

Could I of saved myself some agro pain and frustration if I hadn’t tried to fight it for him, who knows. Has he realised that I’d given up on him? I think so.

He also told me today that the “other day” he saw a heroin addict he knows in the street, (I don’t want to scare you with this story, please don’t take this the wrong way) they’re friendly and he stopped to chat, and this guy asked for 25p to buy a drink. This guy has reached that point where he was literally on the street begging for change, on crutches because “Fucked up my legs” he said to my bf. It’s no life, who could choose that life?! If they knew what a life it would be, who would choose it?!!!

Sometimes I think too little is shared about the affects of addiction. Put hardcore lifelong addicts on the TV in front of peoples faces, I wonder what that would do to the minds of those who are starting to ‘dabble’. Shock the world. Controversial, but maybe that’s what we need to see. I don’t know, if I had the money maybe I’d try. I don’t.

Glad you got your car back, what’s happened since, has he been removed from your property?

Does he have any friends and what do they think of all this, have they tried to get through to him too?

Xxxxx

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Coco1212, that is the worst! I am so sorry to hear that, I really do feel for you, at least you sound level headed, I admire that.

That’s the thing, this is his lifestyle choice. I have no doubt that he does care about you and the kids, he’s just making other lifestyle choices not conducive to a relationship, with you or the kids. Oddly this is one of the first things my bf said to me when we met, he knew who he was, what his priorities had been in the past, I do think he got very tired of that. He’s always lived addiction craziness, but right before we met it was several years of intense crazy. Is it a form of invasive prolonged self-harm. His age and the goodness in our relationship I think is finally making him choose how he wants to spend his days/years (if he has them) from now on, he’s definitely aware of his own mortality. Lastly, I think he knows more than ever the harm he’s done to his body.

He’s also being really open lately; a few weeks ago we were sat in the car in traffic and suddenly he casually dropped in something horrific that happened, he said something like “at that moment I did think what have I done” – I just sat and listened, he knows how awful he’s been. He did the time for it. Has your guy ever been to prison? I hate to say it, but maybe that’ll be the big shock he needs.

I don’t have the answers for you or your guy, I can’t tell you what will happen next or when it will end, but it sounds like he’s not ready for it to end. You’re doing the right thing, you’re keeping a clear head, putting yourself and your kids first and you’ve got my full support in that. Xxx

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Coco1212, thank you for your messages. How are things with you? How’s his recovery going? Sorry for being quiet, I thought perhaps I’d said too much. Thank you for not being judgey.

I don’t want to speak too soon, but my bf has really started to turn a corner. Since his birthday his use has been absolute minimum, it’s like he entered lockdown prepared.

Are you managing to keep a clear head yourself?

I hope so x

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Coco1212, what is normal anyway? And thanks. I agree, I usually have more control though.

How does he even know his dealer?

You mentioned inheritance, did this start at the time he lost a parent? The death of my bfs mum doesn’t account for his initial intro into that world, but it accounts for the increase in severity of it in a major way. Things were getting better for us just before covid hit because he was just coming to terms with her death. Loss affects us all in different ways, that kind of f-it attitude. Would he or have either of you at any point considered counselling? My bf didn’t go down that route, but I think he paid for that in time instead.

And I’m perhaps like you, I’m not from that world either. We all know people who have dabbled, we’ve all been in situations where we could’ve done that ourselves, sometimes I think we all need something to cling on to, with your bf maybe that was the heroin, that dealer sabotaged him and made it way too easy. So easy that it wasn’t much of a decision for him to carry on. I think that’s the case with my bf, in that it’s too easy for him to carry on. Most people might label my bf a really bad man, he’s had drugs entwined in his life from early on, it’s all pretty much accountable, a lot of bad things he wasn’t responsible for touched his life and I believe he made that decision to cling to crack. He likes it. Like a bad friend he can’t let go of. This probably doesn’t show me in a good light because unlike you, I’ve known about my bfs addiction always, even when we got together, because in varying degrees it’s always been there. I’ve lost friends because they were so against me being with him. There’s a lot to explain in terms of trying to have someone understand it and where my mind was at when we got together, but ultimately, for me, my bf supported me and understood me in ways no one else ever has. He was almost an addiction in himself, I’ve read since that people with addictions are in themselves very addictive personality’s, that’s true for my bf and I. This is our normal, even though he wants to redefine what normal is in reality, a world without drugs he says. You’ve at least known what your bf is like without the influence of an addiction, I think although we’re in similar positions, fighting for the same cause, elimination of this from our lives, for me, sorry to say I chose to be here. You might say I’m crazy, so many people do, Id actually like to know what you think tbh, because I know I’m not crazy, I met someone with an equally unusual past and decided to fight to clean our world (mutually) than to cut him out of mine and regret it. I hope that makes at least a little bit of sense.

I was someone to judge a person like me, before I became myself.

Coco1212, are you fighting to regain the way your life and relationship was before his addiction? Because personally, sorry to say, I don’t think you’ll totally ever get that back. Life will settle, it always does, even if it’s not in the way we necessarily want or expect, but that’s ok. Human nature allows us to fight for a better slice of the world for ourselves to occupy. Provided you are focused on what makes you happy, dispelling the bad and keeping the good, and I know you are, then you’ll find that balance and tranquillity again with time. It’s inevitable, don’t lose hope. Xxx

For me I guess I’m trying to establish where that limit to my fighting his addiction with him ends and is it worth it? Obviously at the start of every little hurdle and battle, I’m still in the YES camp, but it’s always in the back of my mind, I am closer to having the means to get a place of my own anywhere I wish, and I think, when I have that available to me totally, will I jump ship?! Will I use that as my big pivot to just abandon our life together as we know it and am I closer to it, or closer to finding beating it with him. Which will come first?! Only time will tell and until then, I’ll keep fighting.

Love to all for the first weekend of the second lockdown. Xxxx

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Coco1212, likewise, honestly. And I’m glad he came home.

I’m feeling pretty bad about some of the things I said in my last post. I don’t wish my bf I’ll health at all, I’ve spent a great deal of time energy and money trying to protect him from harm.

So much love / hate.

I do in part believe your X that he wasn’t totally sure what it was, but partly I think curiosity is also equally to blame. A mate of mine smoked a cigarette laced with crack and didn’t realise what is was, she was almost sabotaged into doing it, she’d realised very quickly she’d made a mistake. Crack I know, green I know, heroin I haven’t got a clue about the taste, smell, look.. nothing, I’m guilty of being naive to it.

I know covid is impacting everyone’s lives, but I do honestly wonder if it didn’t happen would we be in such a bad position now? Im pretty sure we wouldn’t. Have you ever seen Johann Hari’s TED talk on addiction? I try and keep that Portugal logic in the back of my mind, I think it made our relationship stronger (but no less turbulent). a lot of me thinks I can’t stop him doing what he feels attached to, especially now. My aim was and still is to try and reconnect him with the world. I keep thinking if Covid hadn’t happened, would things really be this bad? honestly I don’t think they would be. Xxx

Jaynhissay, good to hear from you. How are you doing? Is your head any clearer? Xxx

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Oh Coco1212 no, I honestly feel the anger right now. OMG I’m so disappointed for you. What can you do? Will you give him a second chance and a warning? If only we could lock them up until their body is rid of this disgusting substance. That’s how I feel sometimes. Yep, my bf is ignoring me, I suspect he’s smoking ALL of his money right now. He’ll be back at ground zero again in a few days, that’s all it takes to burn everything he earns only on crack. This is when I seriously just wonder if he’ll live or die or suffer a stroke or something debilitating, which is likely now with his age and the amount he’s used it over the years. I’m trying not to think about it. The arse thinks he’s invincible, sometimes he is, I know that won’t last forever.

Distance for me is making things easier, being away from him and with my mum makes me think how hard would it be to actually walk away for good now you know. Not so hard as it used to feel. How long do we go on like this?! I think loosely I’m deciding to just keep going for as long as the covid craziness lasts, I should have some more money by then, and I can move on, on my own, move back closer to my mum. Who knows what’ll happen in the meantime.

Annoyingly again this month things got tight for him and I paid for food, some credit, all stuff he said he’d pay me back for, those were the terms. He hasn’t paid me back yet, sets me back even more, pulls me down with him yet again you know.

Honestly, still hoping for the best for you, I hope he realises how close he is to losing you totally. I hope it doesn’t go that far.

Are you managing to look after yourself in all this? I hope so, I know it can be emotional turmoil. Sending love xxxxx

[liberty]

Coco1212, thanks for yours! Honestly, I’ve never shared such detail before, my friends judge me if I say too much and sometimes I just hate to hide it. It’s been quite therapeutic just being so open and although it’s sad that other people, like you, are in a similar position, I’m reassured at the same time.

How’s he doing now? Taking his medication in front of you, he really does trust you then. Yes, it does take over at times, it shouldn’t have to take over, would be nice to have a crystal ball, know that it lasts for x and one day when x it’ll all be good and life will be happy.

Doing ok-ish here, thanks for asking. We had a lovely weekend celebrating his birthday, a few minor hick-ups, all the usual crack related, but ultimately it was really nice to have some quality time together remembering why we do this. He’s been in a really positive frame of mind for this past week, and his use has been minimal since Sunday. He’s just got paid now though and so, once again, it’s that time of the month when he falls off a cliff. Feeling a bit low if I’m honest, I know what’s coming, and now we have lockdown. I’m continuing to live with and support my elderly mother, and I absolutely don’t want to take any risks with this new lockdown, so trying to keep myself distracted and put off being with him as much as possible, which doesn’t benefit me, but absolutely doesn’t benefit him.

One positive thing happened though, I sowed the seed and suggested to my bf that he see the dr maybe get something on prescription to “help him control the cravings” as I put it. He was positive, but said he wants to get some Valium, I argued that prescription drugs are advancing all the time and the dr may have something more suitable and effective than some corner shop Valium. He came back with another defence, I can’t and don’t want to push it, so I didn’t pursue it any further. I’ll re mention it again in a few days, but it really does depend how he is in the next few days.

It’s such a roller coaster isn’t it. Just going to wait it out I think. As best I can.

Xxx

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Coco1212, wow. Ok, that’s quicker than I’d expected, and a good sign of what’s to come I hope. What’s £20?! That’s a good day for my bf, that’s the money he spends when he’s managing his habit, or 4 hours in real terms for us.

The fact that he told you shows he’s open and trusting enough to share that with you, that’s really good.

It makes me think now I need to somehow get my bf to the drs, he’s never had medical assisted withdrawal before, not that I’m aware of, maybe this is the way forward. He doesn’t trust society in general though, not drs not lawyers, not police, no one.

Please do keep me posted, thinking of you and wishing for the best xxxx

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Coco1212, I’ve lost friends because of my bf too, just because others don’t understand or support you it doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. Provided you’re looking after yourself in all this, don’t let other people’s opinions make you question your ability to make decisions, they’re not living this. You are!! Xxxx I’m with you all the way on this xxxx

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Coco1212, this must feel like hell for you, I’m so sorry to hear that you were together for so long before he became an addict, it must feel like you don’t even know him anymore, that must be so horrible. I honestly do think you’re so brave.

If it helps, my bf smokes cigarettes and smashes his pipe as preventative measures. The cigs to pad out his use, the breaking of the pipe to physically stop himself smoking any more. I’d give him benefit of the doubt on those things.

Where could he stay if not with you? I absolutely think he can’t be using drugs in the same house as the kids, that can’t happen at all, but undoubtedly isolation will make everything so much harder, how can you get that balance? Xx

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SB2020, good to hear from you. I think Counselling is a really good thing if you get a good one, I’ve had a pretty rubbish one and an absolutely amazing one, not for the drug related relationship issues, for other things, but I see the value in it for sure. If you don’t mind me asking, are you seeing a counsellor for any specific reason? I.e… are you trying to just to help keep a clear mind, are confused about what you want, or is it something else? Xx

Yes, talking openly about addiction with my bf has been so difficult for me too. It’s something I haven’t done much of for a while tbh, for various reasons, but I used to do it almost every day and we used to really fight because of it. I did it because I wanted to catch him out, dissect his behaviour, really talk through what he was doing, make him understand how wrong it is. Like you’d do with a child. I’ve come to realise that he’s not a child, I’m usually right, he does know exactly what he’s doing to himself and when it’s me v crack, the crack always wins! Times I’ve failed are when: he’s craving it or when he’s in that argumentative and unpleasant mood. Times I’ve succeeded: when he’s high (believe it or not this is when we’ve talked the most about his addiction but I’m careful about what I ask and how) or when he knows he’s about to loose me because I’m failing to communicate with him at all he’s got soooo confrontational and I can’t take the bickering any longer.

Xx

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Coco1212, did he cash the cheque and get some? I hope he didn’t.

Does he know you’ve got his back and why you’re helping him? Does he know you’re helping him so he can give up for his kids?

Can you ask him how he wants you to help him? How much ownership of this addiction he can handle himself?

My bf had me controlling his money once, it was relatively early on in our relationship, he called me his finance director, which he said he needed, he doesn’t trust himself with money. He had me install his banking app on my phone, he gave the bank approval to speak to me, I set up an instant access savings account for him, when any money came he’d tell me what he needed to spend on what, if tuck the rest into savings. He didn’t know how much he had, he didn’t want to know. It worked for a while, but he got tired of having to justify his spending on drugs, his use went right up and he’d spent all his money and was asking for me to lend him some for drugs. I used to track his spending and he hated hearing that he’d spent 1200 on drugs and 50 quid on travel and money on nothing else for the whole month. It’s like hello! We have rent and food and phone bills to pay! And I thought we wanted to take a holiday!!! He hated hearing it so he had me delete it. It did work for the short term. Perhaps that could work for you? For us it failed because he always wants more, he’s not really interested in giving up most of the time. But I think deep down your bf is and does want to give up, he’s physically getting help, my bf hasn’t ever wanted to do that. Are you safe and brave enough to be in a position where you have to tell him no?! Does he trust you to manage his money? That’s what I became, a mediator. My bf can be a very aggressive and violent man, he carries the scars to prove it, but I know deep down he’d never lay a hand on me. I’m small, softly spoken and am very good at fighting back verbally, but am not a violent person at all, and would lay a hand on him, which he’d say my strength is like a bat bite, he’s thrown things across the room, but never at me and never turned to touch me with force. I wouldn’t stand for that, not even once, he knows that. I made that mistake before with another man a long time ago.

In my experience now, I know to expect nothing. I hope for a lot, but I expect nothing, but I’ve walked away a lot. Like, he’s started to get on it in front of me a lot, and sometimes I tolerate it, more of the time him smoking is my queue to leave and he hates that. He’s begged me to stay, told me it’ll be half hour, but it never is. If he physically put down the pipe I’d stay, he never has. He’d rather see me leave and carry on smoking. Eventually he may still loose me completely, I don’t sacrifice my own health for his, what he does is completely on his own back. He knows he’s killing himself, and that’s his choice. I do still remind him of what we could have in life, but it’s on him if he kills himself first. Which some days I half expect.

Also, he was in prison at the age when his kids could be his motivation. Now they’re all grown up with their own lives and families, it’s all on him now. I hope it’s different for your guy.

Sending love, and honestly well done for staying strong and allowing yourself the time and space to realise how hard this is for him. Honestly, I get it, I really do, and well done you xxx

If he hasn’t done so already I’m sure he knows how lucky he is and I’m sure he’ll thank you in the end.

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