[liberty]

Jaynhissay, did you manage to suppress the cravings? I hope so. (This is the second time I’ve written this reply, the first post was rejected, I’m not sure if it’ll be posted or not, apologies for double messaging if it is, I didn’t want you to think I hadn’t replied). I’m sorry to hear that a girl you thought was yours isn’t. It’s not a drugs thing, but I totally get that feeling of wanting to better ourselves for others, that’s sometimes great motivation, sometimes it makes me put a lot of unnecessary extra pressure on myself. Personally, I try now just to do things for me.

Yes, his son gives him white and green, sometimes he cooks the white, it just depends what his son has managed to get. But the difference between his son and a dealer, his son will say no. I used to think it’s a bad thing, but I see positives in it now.

I’d like to say my bf suppresses his cravings, but I don’t believe he ever does not really. His body is really starting to suffer now, on the inside. He coughs a LOT, his teeth are in terrible shape and his body is riddled with inflamed lymph nodes/lumps and bumps. I do worry for his health, he won’t see a dr and even though sometimes he does cold turkey and talks about stopping, deep down I don’t know if he really wants to. He lives in this endless cycle, when he craves more and he actually has some money he’ll get on it hard. It’s at these times that he’s often told me he gets to the point where he’s had too much, like he’s eaten something and is full and just doesn’t want anymore. When that happens he starts training again, try’s actively to eat more, and buys it through his son because his son only gives him the minimum every day. He can stay that way for good amounts of time sometimes, until he’s bored of those other things. Sometimes I’ve seen him distract his mind doing things like cleaning, reading, weights, but for him I think it’s just his way to manage in the short term, until he’ll allow himself more. And he always does allow himself more. He’s killing himself, I do believe he knows that. I don’t know what will happen to him/us, I suspect something is on the cards, I try not to think about it because it’s out of my control. What can I do?!

Out of interest, when you’re off it and your mind starts to get clearer, how long is it before you feel natural feelings of good things, how long before the dopamine is naturally produced by your brain again? This is my worry, that my bfs brain is only capable of feeling good things synthetically, as he does. Do you feel like that? We all want to feel good about ourselves, I just wish sometimes that he’ll allow his body the chance to feel it naturally. Do you ever reach that point, does it get easier when you do? Sending love and care again, I really do hope you’re keeping in a good place, I know it must be exasperating at times, from someone who’s seeing the damage third hand, please be kind to yourself. Xx

[liberty]

Coco1212, that’s great to hear. What happens next? Glad it went well

[liberty]

Coco1212, Friday finally. I’ve been thinking of you. Good to hear he wants you to take him, although it’s a shame you can’t join him, that does make sense I suppose and perhaps he can be completely candid in the appointment with the specialist, and not in any way try to suppress or down-play anything so as not to disappoint you.

I honestly do think it sounds as though he does care about you and the kids, taking this first step is huge for him I’m sure. What Jaynhissay had shared about wanting to spend money doing things with the people who were/are supportive, perhaps it’s a similar mindset for your x. After all he’s already nearly totally lost you which means losing the kids, perhaps that’s his motivation for changing his lifestyle choices – I think it’s very likely and I really hope that’s the case. For everyone’s sake.

I personally wouldn’t worry about the silence and distance thing. My bf has told me all too often in the past that he physically and mentally has to sometimes totally ignore the subject of crack. Talking or thinking about it puts it in his mind and even though it’s talked about/thought about in a kind of constructive way, he’s still got it in his mind. Honestly, we don’t talk about it much anymore, not at all, and if we do, it’s him who’s chosen to say something. Most of the time also, it’s a one liner. Like for us last month my bf said if he can’t keep away from the crack for 30 days he’s a prick. That didn’t quite go to plan for him, but that’s all I need to hear sometimes, I know him so well to gage how he’s feeling and I have to force myself to not doubt him now, but I just have to trust that he’s been open enough to share that with me without any probing from me, so he still trusts me. And I think that’s important, it’s so easy to lose my bfs trust. I’ve done that in the past, pushed him so much to know what he’s doing to us that he recoils and shuts me out completely. Sometimes I just can’t help it, for me that’s always the last straw. I’m like come on, seriously, get real this is where we’re at and it’s because of your habit, that’s how I get. Always, we can never walk away from each other. We’ve gone full cycle of that in a shorter time this time around and that’s been the case while I’ve been sharing with you on here. I reached out to this platform at our very worst point, now again, it feels like were back on the complete opposite, we’re back to trusting stage. Also, he hasn’t mentioned anything, but he hasn’t done any for 3 days, just a bit of green. It’s his birthday this weekend and usually (this is gonna sound messed up, but go with me on this) his son gives him some, and today I asked his son if I could have some for him because of his birthday (not because I’m treating him, but because we’ve decided to have a weekend away and I was thinking as a standby thing) and he totally talked me out of it, which I didn’t expect him to do. And if you’re wondering how has his son got involved, it’s because my bf uses him as a middle man as it were, a layer of protection between him and the dealers. If he gets it through him it’s like he knows he can’t ask for more. I used to see it as his son being a facilitator or enabler, and he is in a way, but I think his son knows, just as I do, that when my bf wants it, he’ll get it. Better to support him in trying more sensible methods of consumption I think.

Anyway, he’s really close to his son, they speak and almost see each other every day. I also get on very well with him, but in the 3rd sense. I get on well with his mum too, we’ve known each other a while now, we actually often speak about my x and his behaviour we both know she’s happy with her partner, they broke up a long long time ago and she knows he and I are well suited in many ways, so it’s all good.

The point is though, the fact that his son talked me out of it again just gives me another insight. I don’t need to ask, but my feeling is they’ve talked about it and his son, this week, has been giving him green instead.

I don’t know what’s next for either of us Coco1212, but I think our partners (or in your case x) are in positive places. It’s hard, but I’m giving my bf the benefit of the doubt. Again! And I don’t have to, and I’m not always happy about that, but I’ve chosen to support him, so I just need to go with it I feel.

Will be thinking of you today, I do hope it goes as well as it possibly can and I think what you’re doing is amazing. Xxx

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, oh wow. My heart goes out to you, it really does. To get to such a low low point, it’s heartbreaking. I’m so glad to hear your attempts failed and so so sad that it had reached such a low point, and although you’re in a totally different situation, I can empathise with the exasperation to a degree. Many times in my life I’ve felt totally worthless, but to get to the point where I wanted the pain to stop that I would go to such measures, I think you’re so brave to acknowledging that’s how bad it got, it’s brave that you’ve managed to walk away, have that as part of your story and not the end. Honestly, well done to you.

How are things for you now, on a daily basis I mean? Are you still receiving and accepting the support from others?

I do recognise that we all have things challenge us in life, things I haven’t shared on here that I’ve been unfortunate enough to have experienced, things that have pushed me to the worst places mentally, but that I was later able to overcome to a manageable point. For years I thought there was some higher power punishing me, but I realised that bad things happen to good people, we make our own luck and our lifestyle choices are purely that… ours to own and change if we’re not satisfied with them.

Do you get any medical assistance too? Are the ‘state’ involved at all?

Sending much love and care

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thank you for sharing and for such honesty. I guess what you’ve shared just reaffirms what I’ve always concluded myself from an outside looking in perspective, which is a new interesting level of insight I haven’t reached before. Also, it sounds like you’re in a relatively good place right now, a little bit of green sounds like a fair trade for normality and staying off the white and the brown.

If you don’t mind me asking, what happened for you to have had enough? Was it a binge that pushed your body further than before, mentally did you finally let go of a painful memory you are trying to suppress, or was it something else? I hope that isn’t too intrusive of me to ask. Appreciate any insight you can share.

Also, out of interest, if class A was like ten times more expensive, I.e… if it’s street value were so high that no amount of day-to-day working, begging steeling, trading designer goods, etc could raise the money needed. Would that hypothetically force you to stop because it’s so unobtainable? How would that change things?

[liberty]

Coco1212, I’ve been thinking more about what you said re disappearing, how did I not see it all this time. It makes total sense. Working for a dealer, that’s the last resort afterall. Wow. Can’t believe I never saw it before, I always just thought he was at a mates doing it, I guess also because he’s never (and we are very open about things) ever talked about that as a thing. Thanks for sharing that x

[liberty]

Jaynhissay, thank you for sharing. If you don’t mind me asking, why do you do it? Do you realise what a hold it’s got over you, do you want to break it, do you actually just enjoy it too much to care? My bf knows exactly what he’s doing to himself and to us. He tells me he’d stop if he wanted to, then tries and can’t. What I try and get across to my bf is how much better our lives would be if we didn’t have this in his life, does that even make a difference. Would that make a difference to you? Sending my hopes that you can be kind to yourself xx

[liberty]

Oh Coco, will you be attending with him? wow, I totally get how you must be feeling and I absolutely agree, my mum and I barely speak about things now. same for my mates, except for the reeeeally close ones. It’s so hard having to not share what’s really going on and it’s understandable that people get angry, they’re just being protective of us. I see me not sharing the details of what goes on by way of protecting the ones I care about now, from worry. It does make me feel numb and mean sometimes. I’m sure, like me, you have enough of an understanding of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it to choose and decide that what you’re doing is right. Sometimes I question my ability to make decisions, but ultimately I know deep down I’ll go if I know it’s a lost cause. I don’t look ahead anymore for that reason.

And thanks btw, apart from having a cold, which my bf gave me and I unknowingly then passed onto my mum (which I am so unbelievably angry at myself and him for), we are doing ok still. He actually said today he’s gonna get back on track after this weekend. There’s so many questions I had for him, what he means and how, but I just said nothing. Kept the conversation moving.

I really want to say two things to you, firstly, it’s sounds like you’re under so much pressure and thinking ahead like this, worst case just adds to it. I’ve done this myself, I get it! Addiction is sooo unpredictable I think, it just doesn’t do.

Also, secondly… Honestly, from what you’ve said, you’re a clever woman, I’m sure if you’ve done all you can and you know you have, I’m sure you wouldn’t hesitate to do what you’ve got to do and just walk away.

The other angle to it is that I know that when I think I’m being supportive of my bf, he just feels under more pressure and that makes things much worse, he uses more, pushes me away again and we’re back to square one. It’s still really hard, and sometimes I can’t do it, but now I just try to stay out of it, wait for him to come to me, I ask if he wants to talk about things now instead of going in and trying to be all super supportive and complimenting of his positivity, which I did a lot more of in the past.

Your guy has committed to getting help, I know that’s only a small win, but it’s a win. I hope you can stay positive, will be thinking of you on Friday. Hoping for the best Xx

[liberty]

Also, when he disappears, do you know where he goes? My bf hangs out somewhere from time-to-time. I know it’s not another women, he’s reassured me of that. He doesnt go to crack houses since a bad incident 5 years ago, he told me some of the people in those places just look at you like a meal ticket, they’ll steel anything from you, they’re not your friends. I know he goes somewhere. I think likelihood is he’s at some male drug dealers place, I know none of his friends, even the ones who do drugs, none of them would tolerate the extent to which he does it. It’s the only conclusion I come to each time; maybe he’s with a dealer, maybe doing some delivery work on the side in exchange for it, who knows! Whatever it is he’s ashamed of it, he doesn’t talk about it at all, to the point of it basically not existing. I don’t really think there’s anything I can do about it either, but it does worry me. The not knowing and I don’t want him exposed to anything health wise, but what can I do!

[liberty]

Coco1212, that sounds really positive, how do you feel about it all?

I’d like my bf to ask the dr for help, but it never happens, he never does.

66 days apparently, it takes 66 days to create a new habit/override a past one, I don’t know if that’s scientific or not, but I read it somewhere and it’s stayed with me. My bf hasn’t been cold turkey or any non-using situation for anywhere near that length of time, which proves it doesn’t work.

I’m sure a medically supervised and aided withdrawal is the way forward. I hope this gives you a better direction x

[liberty]

Coco1212, refusing to fund his addiction is a really brave and hard thing to do, but I do believe it’s totally the right thing to do, because unless something changes, he’s always going to need more, and if there’s one thing I do know, for me and my boyfriend, the crack ALWAYS wins. If my boyfriend can’t get it, he’ll ask me for the money. Sometimes he says he needs a top up on food or phone, most of the time we know each other so well, he just asks me direct for the money. I admit on the odd occasion I have given the bare minimum to him, but honestly I’ve given him hell about it, even managed to damage his buzz. Now, on the rare occasion that he needs food and rarer, phone credit, I buy him food and cook it for him, or I’ll transfer him money for credit (it’s always when he’s out) and have him send me the receipt, which he does.

It is hard when they want money, they honestly stop at nothing. Tell them they’re ruining the relationship, explain how, verbally fight them and make them understand how wrong it is, they just never stop. Because the need for it never stops. I think this is how my bf and I are still together. He knows I know. Rarely now he asks me for anything and he knows if he does I’ll either not give it to him, or I’ll damage his buzz. I know how far he’s gone to get what he wants. This is the really nasty side, the area of addiction that needs to be addressed in a better way than how it is. My boyfriend has spent time in prison for shoplifting, which I know he’s done when he really has no other option. He’s been ‘away’ 4 times, they’ve put him on rehabilitation report, and in my view it’s all a useless waste of taxpayer money. He got drugs in prison, he came out in the same position he went in; with a drugs habit. It’s a vicious circle. This is how far he goes when he needs it. Obviously I can’t know your circumstances, they may be very different, but in my experience, it doesn’t matter how many times I say no, or what it’s doing to us/him/his life, the addiction always wins.

Personally, I believe each time my bf tells me he can stop and wants to stop he believes himself that, that’s the case. He never can though. I’ve read examples of how people do overcome the addiction, I consider the options for us and for him. We/he was doing really well before covid, his use was down to an absolute minimum, he was working again, life was getting much better, I don’t know how well and how far that could’ve gone, in terms of overcoming it, because covid hit and we went majorly into reverse. I still have faith that he could eventually have freed himself from the addiction, I still have hope that he will. And these are the two things that keep me going, 1: believing that he does love me, 2: believing that eventually he’ll overcome this addiction and our plans to travel and just live a good life will happen. Lately things have got very very bad again and I’ve questioned these two things again, even realised that their odds of success are slim, but each time we pull together, rekindle our love and get back on the same track.

Coco1212, i hope this helps you, I don’t want to turn you against your ex with any of this real talk. If he is your kids dad and you do want and need to keep him in your life, finding that balance is hard. I know as women it’s not our responsibility to stay, or to help, but it’s never cut and dry and for the most part we do. Sending love and care to you and your family xxx

[liberty]

CoCo1212, so sorry to hear what his addiction has done to your family. I’m guessing you have kids together. My heart goes out to you, it really does. What’s your ex’s attitude to it all now then? Does he candidly open up about his addiction does he realise he’s lost you as a result, does he actively want to go cold turkey by his own willpower?

I haven’t witnessed the comedown from heroine, that’s not my bfs thing and from what I know of how different the experience (crack v smack) is, I’d guess the come down may also be very different.

For my bf, when he’s on the crack his heart pounds, his body gets super hot, ‘party for one’ I call it. He satellites almost straight away, but does that more intensely the deeper into it he gets. If we talk while he’s on it, he’s super attentive, contented and almost level headed to the point of being totally reasonable and open about anything. When he’s not on it, it’s totally the opposite. He’s more aware of what’s around him, he gets impatient, really impatient, sometimes it’s clear he has crack on his mind. To me I think it’s like he’s missing feeling good about himself. The irritability and general unpleasantness lessens when we’re around other people / when he’s properly distracted, but it never subsides for long. Personally, I’ve always believed it’s as though he can’t naturally experience positive feelings of love, pride, tenderness, romance (all the nice stuff) anymore. either in part or totally, unless he’s on the crack. Like the natural way his brain feels good things is overridden to such a degree and is now so deeply suppressed it’s as synthetic or nothing. My experiences are by no means backed by medical or scientific knowledge, only knowledge of my boyfriend and our relationship.

Aside from the more mental and ‘feelings’ (or lack thereof), side of things. He also gets quite sweaty. Its not massively noticeable for him and doesn’t tend to last that long. That could be just a him thing though, he’s not a sweaty person anyway. When he does sweat, he’ll sweat through his eyes a bit though.

When he does go cold turkey, and he only does this of his own free will, he’ll exercise more, smoke more, it’s also as though life is dull. From what I know of heroine, as it’s a way to numb the body and (I think) slow the heart, I expect the come down will be the opposite of numb, so pain?! This is obviously just a guess, not based on first hand experience. I’m sorry if that’s not all that useful for you.

Either way though, evil is evil. Crack or smack, both are absolutely disgusting and destructive substances. Does it matter which he’s doing, or is it that you just want to catch him out / prove him an addict? And don’t get me wrong, I’ve been that girl, I’m not being judgey. I guess I’m just asking, will it make a difference either way? Xxx

[liberty]

SB2020, I really feel for you darling, I truly do. Why do you care about him, probably the same reason I care about my partner. Because you and I are good people and we love men who, for various reasons are struggling with a boundless addiction. I honestly think it’s the worst thing in the world. I’m not convinced that your guy doesn’t want to save the relationship. I expect, as my guy does, he just wants you to accept him for what he is. Sometimes as terrible as that is, we know they are crack addicts and so do they.

It’s terribly tragic if I really think about me. My partner is highly intelligent, such a people pleaser, gets on with anyone, has the greatest respect for human life, is deeply loyal, even though it’s bit always clear and he does have a heart of gold. I expect yours does too.

The truth is too horrible for them to agree with. And this is where me and my guy are at now. My guy stopped the cold turkey, he’s back to ‘normal’, as dreadful as that is, but not before he became unbearable and we had an almighty row, during which I told him he clearly didn’t care, that he was just a scummy crack addict at the end of the day. The truth hurt him too much. He knows what he is, I expect your guy does too. We are happiest when I don’t fight it, it’s a viscous circle though, we’re better, he’s better, then he uses more because he’s feeling good. Then things intensify again, he gets slimmer again, gets more irritable.

Thanks also for your suggestion of confronting him. When I do this I’m always met with the same answers, he believes he can give up if he wanted to, but doesn’t, or that of course he wants to give up and it’s just a matter of time, but that he doesn’t feel the magnitude of how hard that actually is, not at that exact moment. And/or that time just never comes.

I’m at the point now where even though I still hope one day that day will come, he’ll break free, his body will heel and his brain will be kind to him. I just think that’s so impossible and how could I even consider that with what’s happening in the world right now.

when my bf tells me he will quit and that he wants to quit I do think he genuinely wants to and he’s both ok and not ok about not being able to do that. I don’t know what the solution is. I wish I had enough money to provide him with the level of specialist care he needs. And not just him, but everyone too venerable and paralysed by this addiction. Sadly I can’t. I do keep trying to though and in the meanwhile, I suffer the bad times to enjoy the good. And when we’re good, we’re brilliant.

Covid has put soo much pressure on everything and everyone that for the time being I can’t think about just myself. I don’t dare argue with him about what he’s told me he wants to be doing (or rather what NOT to be doing) and what he’s actually doing. He’s finding it too hard to be apart from me, it’s a delicate balance. I can’t even go near that subject right now. Now to me, just feels about us and those we care about surviving. I saw the honours list mentioned last week on tv, i respect those who have contributed to society in a clearly deserving way, but I couldn’t help thinking that us and people like us are also unsung heroes in the darkness. And let’s face it, although on the outside we live in the light, so much of what we endure is tucked away hidden in the shadows.

I saw my guy this weekend again, although I’ve had to come back to mums with the new high covid status. It’s amazing what fresh eyes give when I haven’t seen him for a few days. Now he’s back on it and lost weight again he’s started to look like an addict again. He took a trip into town the other day to visit his daughter (from very very young) and he told me that no one wanted to sit next to him on the train. The carriage was standing room only, except for the two seats either side of him. I looked at him yesterday and he is starting to really show the physical downsides of it all.

I totally think what you’ve said makes sense, think about what i want and need for my life. Luckily I do still keep that in my mind and have been trying to build good things for me (us potentially), but at the same time, living surrounded all this covid chaos, we just need to forget what we or anyone wants to a degree. Until we’re in a position to do otherwise, we just have to survive.

If you’re in a position where you can wholeheartedly know you can walk away, that you, yourself will be OK and even better off, then I think you know you should do that. I can’t tell you that’s right or wrong for you, for him or for you both as a couple. I just believe you have to follow your gut, just as mine is, I’m sure it’s very rarely wrong.

Sending much care and respect for you, I really am. Please do keep me posted, I hope to hear that your life isn’t as bad as seems at times. Xxxx

[liberty]

Thanks SB2020. Has your partner ever gone cold turkey off his own back for any length of time?

I know I’m a resilient person, which I think works more in his favour than mine. When is enough enough, when am I no longer just giving up on him and deciding to just look out for myself?!

I’m not sure I can take all this up and down much longer, but I don’t want to live with regret of walking away. When he’s good, I’m good and we are great, but it’s getting harder now we’re getting older.

Xxx

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