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*thanks for understanding
Debc, thanks so much for your reply it means a lot. It was a difficult night for us.
No, hes never tried rehab or spoke to anyone from rehab. The price scares us and it didn’t work for his ex.
He was attending local CA meetings which he felt comfortable with, was doing the 12 steps, had a sponsor, and at best managed 3 months.
We never realised there would be relapses, and there’s been a few!
This results in him getting into debt then contacting us for food, groceries cigs etc.
He even stooped to phoning his young student sister for £30 cash transfer. She was so upset , wasn’t going to tell me. How despicable!
I’m gutted that he’s seeing his ex, she is a total leech. Her parents have put her out the house, she was in a homeless shelter for a bit. He doesn’t see that she’s only using him for a place to stay and she can drink all she wants . She’s not working , she’s sponging off him. Bad combination.
He contacted my husband today for food, don’t mind that so much. At least I know hes eating.
I text him to seek help, watch recovery videos, use a rehab app, delete all the scumbag dealers off his phone, and stay away from people who drink or use.
That’s advice that I got from this forum.
He’ll never recover if ex is still on the scene. She’s poison.
That’s for understanding.
Lx
Debc, I need to talk to you.
My son has contacted me finally tonight. I had a frantic call telling me he had a drug dealer at his door looking for £300.
He called about a dozen times in desperation. Finally we caved and transferred 250. I said, what are you gonna do to help yourself? He said hed return to ca meetings.
Unfortunately I found out during the conversation that he’s back with his ex gf who’s an alcoholic. She will bleed him dry, and bring him down with her. She had 8weeks in an expensive rehab place, and drank on her 1st night home!! My husband, daughter and I can’t take it any more, we’re sick of it and exhausted.
When will it end? Lx
I hope your situation with your son is good at the moment.
Hi
I just wondered if any of you guys in recovery ever tried SMART recovery UK? I read it’s different from the 12 steps and doesn’t refer to the higher power if someone isn’t spiritual.
I wondered if i could recommend it to my son, who’s tried 12 steps in ca and aa meetings?
Danman83- ive still not heard from my son yet – I still text him every evening, but no reply yet.
Hope you’re doing well. Lx
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me.
The app sounds like a great idea. If only he’d communicate.
The latest is , and he’s sunk to a new level…..contacting his younger sister, who has little savings and no job yet. He asked her for cash to get shopping and cigs. Which she did. She broke down and cried when she told me.
She’s really upset. I told her not to ever give him cash and instead I’ll buy what he needs and she can give him it. He told her he didn’t want to speak to us.
He must be desperate, hope he didn’t go to the pub with it.£30
What next?
Lx
I know that the 2.5k was to pay off drug dealers. The day it all came to a head he blurted out a lot of stuff. My husband got the cash and we (very discreetly) drove to about 4 different houses of dealers and paid the debt.
He told me he’s spent hundreds and thousands on coke in the past years.
No wonder he’s has paranoia and mental health issues.
He liked his local ca group face to face, but that can’t happen yet apparently. Hes not getting anything out of the online meetings he said. Hes on his 2nd sponsor, and says hes made to feel guilty every time he lapses, and he’s fed up redoing the 12 steps from the start every time.
He said he’s not spiritual enough.
I sent him another text today telling him about a dream I had and he was only 8 or 9 on it.
I felt comfort after it. I told him that too.
He’s definitely got an addictive personality, whatever he does, he does it 100 %. Gambling, drugs, cigs, alcohol, etc
I watched the Ryan donnelly videos, and a Brandon (ex Jackass) one , don’t know if I should say to him or not.
Thanks again for your support, I’ll keep you in my prayers too.
Lx
p.s. im not in touch with any of his friends.
It wouldn’t surprise me if he did 3 days on the trot. I think hes done it before. We paid of huge debts for him last year when we confronted him. About £2500 , then, he’s accumulated more since then too. He just works to pay these debts. It was after that he got Ca and aa support, managed 3 months clean, until a broken relationship triggered him again.
We don’t give him cash but we buy groceries, cigs and petrol, when he’s nothing left.
When I met him last week to give him cigs, and he wanted a hug, but i was worried about covid as don’t know who he’s mixing with, so i didn’t. I think he wanted a hug, and I feel bad that I didn’t.
I agree that it’s not good on his own probably, he was okay during lockdown as we saw him Monday to Friday. I guess he still did stuff at weekend probably.
I think he’s vulnerable just now, but he won’t open up as hes still angry with me.
I don’t know how dopamines work but I’ll Google it. He’s well advised on all this, as he attended a lot of meetings and does look into causes and symptoms of substance abuse.
At this stage I’m worried about his mental health and keeping his job.
I’m so pleased to be able to talk to someone who’s understands and can maybe help me to understand my sons addiction better.
Lx
Danman83 thanks for your reply.
I haven’t told my elderly parents or sisters about him. They’d worry about me. It helps to read advice and support on this forum.
I have told a close friend, so that helps.
He’s almost 28. I reckon he’s been dabbling since he was 15. The state of his room, him unkempt and untidy looking, always skint but has a good wage. He gamboled too a while back. I think he stopped that.
His meetings and sponsor told him to break away from his drinking buddies – some have been friends since school. But those guys know when to stop.
I know he gets lonely too, lives on his own has not been lucky with his choice of girlfriends.
Regarding cash spent on drugs/alcohol , he can get paid end month, and by 10th of month hes skint. He says he’s got debts to pay , and it leaves him with very little that’s when he contacts us for help. as we’re getting fed up with this routine, we withdrew a bit and that’s when he went mental at me at the weekend. Says he doesn’t want any contact any more, as we’re not supporting him when he needs us.
I think he’s probably taken out another loan now. Vicious cycle again, just when we had paid some for him and consolidated them into a monthly repayment back to us.
Can’t stop thinking about him.
I’ve been texting him daily as you suggested, no reply though.
Lx
Thanks for your reply, it means a lot to me. I’m trying to understand what’s going in his head.
He’s managed 3 months clean before with support from his meetings and sponsor.
He spent most of lockdown with us..he wouldn’t have coped on his own otherwise. Hes got a good job and worked from our home.
He got WiFi in then went home.
Its a pattern now, he gets paid then goes off the rails for a few days and blows his wages over 7-10 days. Then comes to us for cigs, food petrol to sub him, til next pay day.
He said he lapsed cos he’s a young guy and he’s lonely and wants to go a drink like other people.
It’s good to hear your advice and support coming from a person in recovery and really trying hard not to lapse.
I think he may have mental health issues, but i don’t know what he’s doing to address it. He says its his business and he’s dealing with it.
I hope and pray all the time for him and others in same situation and their loved ones. My husband and i are exhausted and I understand it’s not easy him too.
Any advice is welcome, and thanks for reading my ramblings.
I’m not sleeping well either these days.
Lx
Thanks debc, I’ll do that .I’m exhausted, and my head is all over the place.
Thanks again for your support, it really means a lot to me.
Lx
Danman you should be so proud of yourself. Im sure you’ve read my posts too.
My son also told me that alcohol is the trigger so complete abstinence is the only way to beat the cycle.
My son was doing so well last year, attending meetings, contacting his sponsor doing the 12 steps. We were lured into a false sense of security. Didn’t realise they could relapse.
He’s really angry at me today. Saying I’m uncaring not helping him. Not being a mother to him. He’s refusing to take the groceries I got for him, he said he doesn’t want any more contact with me
I’m so low. I tried to contact him again but he’s ignoring me.
Lx
Thank you i hope so too.
Take care Lx
Thank you so much debc, your reply really means a lot to me.
I feel i can’t talk to my elderly parents or my sisters about this, it would blow their minds and they would worry about me.
I have told a close friend so I can confide if I need to. But people don’t understand like you or I, or the others in this forum do.
Its a horrible existence isn’t it? That permanent knot as you say, is there all the time. I see his name coming up on my phone and I dread what’s coming next.
I do love him as he’s my son but I don’t like this person that this evil drug is turning him into, I feel i don’t kniw him any more ????
Thanks for reading my story and understanding. Lx
Hi debc
I just sent a post but it’s on another thread. I’ve just read your story. My 27yr old son is the same. My heart is broken with all the stuff my family has had to go through at least 10yrs.
I truly hope the rehab works fir your son.
I feel I can’t move on with my life until he’s moved on and happy in his life .
Thank you for sharing
Lx