[littlehappy]

So I got out

I chose peace

I chose my children

And I choose the light at the end of the tunnel

It’s been the worst 6 years of my life but I’m getting there and I’m happy.

So jubilee he tried his last game,

Turned up over and over,

Sometimes being nice and playing the sad card

He turned up with another girl to try and make me jealous

And he turned up trying to tell me I could go out, that I thrives on letting other men see me,

Tried telling me when and where he would be seeing his daughter.

Then on the last day I knew he would cause more upset so I had my phone recording, he tried telling me what I would do and when I said no he stood with a nasty laugh and attempted to tell my girls lies about me, disgusting stuff that no child needs to hear.

So I kicked him out and called the police.

I filled for a non molestation order and I made the decision to be done.

It’s been hard at times because I don’t understand how anyone could be like that but also because I’ve lived in hell for so long and now I’ve had to be strong.

Today I finally got 90% of my belongings back, I have a friend!

And after all these years of only having him I am so happy, my house is happy, my kids are happy and I am looking forward.

Still his mum won’t acknowledge what he’s done but I really don’t care, he is still using, still angry.

Working two jobs yet broke.

He sees our little girl on Saturdays but out of the 4 days he’s missed 2 due to excuses and instead of being understanding and swapping days I’ve actually been strong and said no!

I will not let my baby get swapped about while he takes drugs!, if he can’t step up he will miss out.

I am back in contact with all my family too.

It’s hard, really hard but that day he overstepped the mark was enough, I deserve to be with someone who adores me.

I’m getting back on track after all this time and it feels good xx

[littlehappy]

Hey

I hope your good,

I took some time out after everything that was going on,

COVID’s all clear now and I made it to my dads wedding which was nice, he actually looked happy so I’m really happy for him.

As for the not so nice other half…no change really.

I messaged and asked if he wanted to see baby as he had made such a huge thing about wanting to take her alone…I heard nothing until this morning, I am fairly certain that he had been up all night as in all my years of knowing him he has never been up early and the message I received first thing this morning was saying that he wouldn’t make it over until after 6pm which actually turned out to be 7.30.

He came and sort of half heartedly played with her, watched her eat dinner and then after an hour he made a comment about my older daughter hating him for some strange reason and got up and left just like that…I have no idea why or where it came from, he was really strange and unfriendly.

He literally went from videoing baby to getting straight up and leaving, my girls were all up in there rooms so god knows what suddenly switched in his head… I’m sorta glad he left. I really don’t recognize him anymore and it scares me a bit how he just changes the way he does.

It’s probably good because I’d missed him today haha, so much change going on at my house, new job, kids stuff n house bits, I’m feeling overwhelmed and I have no one to tell or get advice from.

It can be quite lonely when you least expect it

How’s your world and your man?

Doing well I hope ???? xx

[littlehappy]

Omg

So like the idiot I am, he has still got my car, excuses after excuses as to why it’s one more day each time,

Tonight I finally said it hat I have appointments on Wednesday so want it back tomorrow…,

He try’s asking to use it around my appointments lol, as in take me to them! Controlling as ever!

I said no so he suddenly demands to take Baby from me Thursday…that’s my dads wedding n he hasn’t been told because he’s a looney and he’s messed up every occasion he’s ever been involved in

Well it hasn’t gone down well!

He demanded I hand over baby on Friday! Because he’s her dad!

He’s missed almost all of her life! How dare he!

Anyway I told him he can do a drug test before I let her go anywhere with him!

Then I told him that I’ve been there for her since day 1 and I would give my life to protect her so he better learn to speak to me with some respect!

I am beyond angry!

And I’m scared, she is my whole world and he is a drug addict!

A drug addict that has controlled my life and made it a living hell….I can’t imagine him clean and capable of looking after her because I’ve always been by her side to make sure she’s safe!

So I’m sat like an emotional wreck in the bath lol, I want my car back, I want him to disappear, I’ve been through the pregnancy and her 1st year alone! He was on drugs throughout her 1st birthday! How is it fair that he thinks I can just hand her over! Over my dead body! And then she’s got my girls to protect her lol…..I’m angry!

[littlehappy]

Hiya ????

I thought I’d stop by n update you on me…

I hope your doing okay!

So I’ve got an all clear for Covid, doing my 2nd tomorrow so I can hopefully get back to normal soon!

Work called to check I was okay n I was in the middle the fever part of it so at least they know I wasn’t having fun haha

He didn’t seem to pay any attention to what I told him though!!

he asked to borrow my car (I know I’m too soft!)

And I said I couldn’t see him….

Next day he messages asking to see her!!?? Is he stupid or was he under some influence so didn’t really pay any attention to what I’d said lol,

I told him again that he couldn’t…

Then he started messaging me, telling me about his day and what his work was gonna be like…I had to shut him down because I don’t want him thinking it’s okay and I’ve forgotten what he’s done….he’s not even said sorry ????????‍♀️ So I was polite but got rid of him and haven’t contacted him at all…I keep thinking that I just don’t want to go back to tiptoeing around my house while he’s in bed drugged up or sit up all night because he wants company and put my job at risk….

He’s not changed in the time we’ve been together except to get worse so I’m doing the right thing….

I like feeling happy when I wake up not worried that he will find someone to lay into

Anyway, looks like I may get to my dads wedding after all ???? cannot wait! Haha

Take care of yourself n chat soon xxx

[littlehappy]

Hey lovely,

So as ever, Sod’s law got me ????,

I went to see my sister and dad on Sunday, my little one was a bit off, not eating and sleeping for only maybe 20 minutes at a time…I put it down to her jabs as they gave her 4 at her year check up!

Anyway lol my dad is marrying his evil girlfriend next week so we had to go over the plans, she doesn’t like us kids because she hates my mum lol…long story but she also smokes a ton of weed….she’s quite ratty n has wangled a very nice ring! ???? 4 grand!

Anyway haha, I come home with an odd baby, get up Monday and she’s a bit better so off we go to settle her with her new child minder, all good but she was a bit odd when I picked her back up, sorta drugged up n staring into space, I got home n she ate so I didn’t think much more of it.

Well I had to do a Covid test ready for work, it only came back positive!!

I felt fine!

I then did each of my kids – all positive lol,

Poor baby must have picked up a germ from that child minder lol,

I woke up today n I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus!

Baby’s back to normal but now I’ve had to cancel my first week at work!

Keep all my kids home to isolate lol….and I had to call him!

I sent a text explaining that she had Covid so he should check himself, I got a call back last night but all he was interested in was finding out who her childcare was, where they lived and if they might know him!!

Luckily he got another call so I ignored him when he called me again!

It was a good smack back down to earth lol, he said nothing about her and if she was okay, nothing about if I could cope! He was huffy and blegh when I answered the call n he went straight into, “who are these women?, names? Where do they live?” ???? idiot!

Ah im happy for you if her does pull through,

Even if you can enjoy the effort while it’s there and like you said, keep your boundaries so you protect yourself from getting hurt.

I wish we lived closer! I think we make the perfect back up for each other as our lives are so similar, it’s not plain sailing is it haha

Let me know how he goes!,

As for me, im resting for a couple of days n then as I now have extra time again, im gonna try and pack up some of his stuff so it’s not in every room xx

[littlehappy]

Hey lovely!

How’s you??,

So I started work Friday, god I couldn’t sleep!, neither could baby lol…I made sure I was early, all went well I think, it was hard cos you only get 15 minutes break to yourself during the whole day because your lunch break is sat with the kids so I only had a tiny gap of time to check on my little one!

I did it though, not sure how well I will get along with the other staff though as fridays one were quite up themselves haha, very quiet n watchy! ????

Kids were great though n that’s the most important bit

So he came today to see baby,

Originally I said let me know when so I can make sure she’s had a nap…I got a message this morning to say it would be at 5pm! Which I thought was a bit late…he’s not seen her in so long I expected him to try n come by lunchtime…anyway at five he messaged to say it would be later n the message after message n he eventually turns up at 7.10pm! By then she was knackered n yawning…

He started crying straight away which I tried to ignore

I didn’t want to say too much as we rnt together as far as I’m concerned, he’s still blocked n removed from everything as he went crazy at me.

But he decided to share his plans ????

He has two ideas!

1 – to sell clothes, people order through him and he uses a company to make n ship them so he’s just the middle man doing no work!

Or 2 – betting! ????

He made me sit through utube watching how it all works n he is convinced he’s going to make loads lol, crazy! I mean just go get a job seriously lol!!!!

Anyway he left by 9 but he’s been messaging me…I think he’s hoping I will keep replying, I don’t want to open up feelings

He did look cute when he was over…all be it very slim so obviously not eating a great deal!!

So how’s it your end?

Are you feeling better now! And did you hear from him again or find out how his jobs going?

Xxx

[littlehappy]

Hey lovely!

Sorry you’ve been ill!

I hope your on the mend now!

Things like that spread so fast don’t they! I had a cough for weeks before Christmas, it was like glass in my throat x

I really don’t understand how they can swap and change things! They are the loveliest people when they are clear but in the back of their heads you know they are planning the next session! I don’t understand why they rnt up front about it!

Like , hey I will have the kids this day but I’m gonna be out of action for 3 days again after that…

So I’m sitting with all my girls, it’s my 2nd ones 18th and we’ve just done her pudding, I’m messaging you and he phones me!!….I instantly felt sick, I went up to my room and he was really quiet on the phone, all nice n friendly to me, he asked me to get some of his bits and leave them out on my drive…

I literally did that haha and I didn’t stay out to talk to him….I came back in and hid.

I guarantee he’s going to sell them! 100%

But I instantly felt bad and sick and I missed him…what is wrong with us ????!!!!

I have just messaged to say thank you for buying my girls cards n gifts and I told him that if he wants he can come and visit our little one on Saturday as the others won’t be here….I’ve done my bit now.

It’s mad that I even have feelings after everything he’s done! But im gonna try and steer clear of him! I’ve got a new job and I’ve been happy so im gonna do my best to remember that and stay away from him….

N yeah his mum was annoying, she didn’t like me speaking about him at all with my girls in the house, she tried to play it down and say she didn’t know what had gone on yet I told her!, as he kicked off I sent her the screen shots of all of it! It really annoys me that she try’s to act like I’ve blown it out to be so much worse! Lol so when she said that with her dismissive head I spoke out and said actually NO! I sent you the screen shots of what he was calling me, and the videos of him screaming about two of my girls!

– she didn’t like that at all

Thanks about the job! Im dreading the early mornings and leaving my little one! Haha I think im gonna find it really hard…annoyingly my child minder dropped me in it this morning so I’ve had to find a new one at the last minute…off to see her tomorrow, hopefully she’s nice!

1st day at work Friday and then 3 days next week and after that I will have half term ???? I will probably need it too!! Haha

I hope all goes well your end, i think my problem is that he’s not cheated so I don’t hate him like that, if he cheated I could stop having feelings but instead they choose to be dumb!

He’s really nasty to me too but for some reason I talk myself round all the time haha….anyway my big girls have decided that after the shock I need a trip to the sweet shop with them so I’m gonna take them up on it ???? xxx

[littlehappy]

It sounds like you’ve got your hands full sorting him out!, good luck with the doctors!.

I hope he sees sense and sorts himself out for his little one x

[littlehappy]

Hey

Ah I’m so glad to hear that!!

How nice to get some time to yourself!! Makes you feel like an actual human being n not just a mum haha

What is it with them being able to turn it n suddenly be about again haha! Don’t knock it though hey ????

I only went n got the blooming job!! they made me wait until today to let me know though! Now I’ve gotta let my other job offer down, sort childcare for my little one and get all my references n stuff organized for tomorrow….

It’s at a nursery so you would think that they would know it takes time to organize stuff like childminders!

But I’m really happy,

I didn’t need to go back to work just yet with my universal credit but I was a bit worried that when I did I wouldn’t be able to find a job so at least this way I’ve got the one I want and I’m gonna be home every holiday! ????

Something odd though,

His mum messaged me just as I received my job offer,

Apparently her n my “other half” wanted to check who had birthdays this week!. Two of my girls have birthdays but I don’t believe it for a second, it’s her that wanted to know!

It made me feel sick reading it, I was getting used to not worrying about him just turning up!

He pinged up on my eBay last night, he’s trying to sell stuff so obviously short on money! I can imagine why!

Lol he has listed keyrings and books! Not stuff that’s gonna make a lot.

Anyway, I told her I have a job n all I got was good luck with that and bye for now ???? like thanks ????????

Xxx

[littlehappy]

Hey

I’m really sorry to hear that,

He sounds the same, my partner has just turned 30, you wouldn’t know that though, when we met he had it all going for him, he dabbled in cocaine, weed and Mandy but only weekends and he was a manager for a big firm.

When lockdown came he had nothing better to do so turned to cocaine, then tried weed to get himself off it but it didn’t work and then to Mandy and beans (ecstasy).

On cocaine he would literally turn on me, all night rambling away happily but as he came down he would loose the plot and start putting me down but it would always end in a huge row because there was no stopping him as his brain wouldn’t let him.

He would go stay at his mums every few weeks after the biggest rows.

I told her in the end that he was using but she found it hard believing me, she knew it was true because I told her all the signs but she felt like it was her fault.

He spent most of last year living back at home and his outbursts turned to her, he said the most disgusting stuff.

Thing is, he thought he could just live at her house and use as much as he liked, always making excuses for still being awake in the morning,

He hid his baggies in beer cans so she wouldn’t see…I wish she had just called him out because he would have felt so embarrassed!.

I think getting caught is probably the only shock my other half may get that would shock him into sorting himself out, right now he thinks he can talk his way out of anything.

He also drives while he’s using, and always seems to get away with it. It’s the one thing that used to worry me because it stays in their system so long he surely must be dangerous all the time as he was using most nights.

Unfortunately if he has friends that use he will always have someone offering and giving him that urge, I’ve had to give up on my relationship because his best friend has no other friends and is constantly offering to buy ‘tickets’ and spend nights locked away in their bedrooms getting high and drunk chatting about memories instead of growing up. It’s crazy how much alcohol you can drink on cocaine, they would make their way through bottles of vodka and crates of beer.

Mine missed most of my pregnancy, he was high the morning I gave birth and he missed her 1st birthday all because he was with that friend off his face.

The only thing I wish is that my one’s mum would come and spend time with me and our baby so he can see that it’s him that’s missing out and has a problem. Unfortunately I’ve heard nothing from either of them and it makes me sad that his actions have stopped our little girl spending time with her nanny, he gets angry when she speaks about us, as if I’m causing problems but I just want him to see what is right in front of his face, he won’t get this time back and he’s stopping her having a relationship with her granddaughter too.

Xxx

[littlehappy]

Heeyyy

I hope your having a good weekend!,

and the baby showers going well!!

I’m sure he wishes he had the will power to say no and I bet he feels stupid each time he lets you down but for some reason they don’t even seem to try, lol mine would always make the weakest excuses!,

He would wait for a message from his mate to “party” and say “that’s done it, I need a ticket now!” And that would be it lol,

I get what you mean too, my 9year old dotes on him even though he’s not her real dad she called him dad but she knows he shouted way too much and had me in tears all the time…it’s just sad but I can’t make him step up and be here.

Even down to money, he never paid a bill or helped in any way with money, he spent all he had on drugs and a lot of what I had too, he would lie to his mum to make up our rent money after doing massive nights on it.

Shame really, haha still fancy him though ???? nice face – horrible personality ????

Xxx

[littlehappy]

Hey you!,

Jesus! Sounds like you went through what I’m dreading!

Just the thought of bumping into him!, it shocks me that they have the balls to even go shopping after they do all this to us! ????

He should be hiding away!

I bet he freaked when he saw you! And so he should! Your doing so well holding it together for the kids while he only thinks of himself!.

If I’m honest I think the next time I see mine I will hold it together but be a huge messy wreck after…I miss his face and I miss the tiny good times, but I know it was all a big lie.

Lol I think I should sit and watch his screaming videos I took before he left! That always sorts me back out and reminds me what he is….

I find it hard understanding why they can’t even be a little bit strong!

Hell we change completely and put our children before ourselves! Why can’t they!!

I miss having a friend who likes the same stuff as me too haha,

I met him through music, he was a Mc and our friends were all music related so we went out a lot to UKG events,

All those friends are long gone or only his mates now, some of mine even said they won’t get involved because they like him,

I am seeing some friends now but they are settled or really quite boring!

???? ???? ????

I hope your okay though,

It’s hard walking away and shouldering all of this, I have to keep so busy!, stuffs getting done which is great but it’s to make sure I’m shattered each night otherwise I won’t sleep haha

As for my jobs,

I’ve been offered 1 which is full time so will be hard being away from the girls but seems good, they want me to go in Monday and sign forms

And the other I’m waiting to hear about which is term time and perfect but jobs like those are gold dust, it’s down to me and 1 other so now I just have to wait…???????? I need to know Monday though because I can’t risk loosing the other job.

One day we will meet up and put the world to rights haha goodness knows we have been through more than most people!

That’ll make their ears burn hahaha

Look after yourself xxx

[littlehappy]

Hey

It’s amazing how they mess us up and we have to put ourselves back together isn’t it!.

And it’s amazing how we hide it so when we need to reach out for support no one is really there because they haven’t seen it so they don’t believe you ????

I’m glad your doing okay and getting out and about, I’m going out a bit too…with my kids as a safety but it’s out so I don’t care haha

This time last year I thought I had it all together, I was out walking miles but I stupidly thought maybe I could still fix him…and as soon as he came back I stopped walking and before I knew it I was dragged back into his way of life lol, it was so much worse this time round, I felt so anxious just having him in the house because he managed to change the whole mood, he was such a constant drag, I think most of that was drugs making him moody but not the nasty side, that doesn’t actually make him say the things he did, it just made him confident to say it.

Your right though, I’ve gotta get myself as strong as I can while I can so I don’t fall for his lies again because they are lies,

I’ve not been able to tell many people about the things he’s done over the years because they sound crazy and he is loved by everyone but I can see it so clearly now, he was unbelievable for maybe the first few months, and then he switched.

The things he’s done and put me through! Goodness knows why I put up with it and still loved him!

As for the job! They messed me around with hours and kept changing what they wanted so I didn’t take it, I have 5 children to take care of so I need a job I can rely on lol, I have two interviews this week with much better options, fingers crossed ???????? I’ll let you know how I do.

Chat soon xx

[littlehappy]

Hey you x

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through, I remember when we first spoke and had so much in common!

It’s sad how they all seem to follow a similar path!.

But I’m glad your staying strong!

I get to points at the moment where I just suddenly miss him and I miss his face, I loved his face lol…shame he was so nasty!! he’s made my life hell over the last couple of years, he’s watched me cry so many times and still walked away n not even called to check I’m okay!.

My girls know a bit, my older ones know he’s an alcoholic and a gambler because it was obvious, my younger girls know he got angry a lot…but no one knows about the drugs or the extent of his bullying.

He is the most textbook narcissist!, in every single way and the drugs just fueled it all.

That’s why I can’t go back,

Someone came hammering on my front door in the middle of the night last week, as if I’m gonna open it!

Other than that I’ve heard nothing, I’m still dreading each day because he’s gotta contact me at some point to see our little one…god knows how that’s all gonna play out!

I met up with a friend this weekend too, he hated me having friends so I lost touch with everyone, it was so good not having to worry about him sneaking off to the loo to get high!

No having to watch him crazily chatting to everyone around the pub!

And when I got home I went to bed with no one starting on me or giving me a lecture for hours about how im failing lol.

My house is calm, stuff is getting done!

I have two birthdays at the beginning of Feb, an 18th and a 9 year olds so I’ve had loads to keep me busy

I hope your still good!

Any sightings of yours? Xxx

[littlehappy]

Hey

I’ve not heard a peep!

I’m so glad but the longer it goes on the more I’m worried each day that he will suddenly appear…

I don’t care but I worry about our little one, he’s dad and everything and I’m sure he misses her but she won’t be comfortable seeing him without me there which means I’d have to spend time with him too.

I know the time will come but the longer the better for my mental health lol

Hopefully he stays away just a little longer…and I know it’s probably gonna hurt but I sorta hope he’s charged off and jumped into another relationship to try and hurt me because then I can draw a line under everything

I found a job!

Back in teaching which is amazing but it’s happening so quickly lol, I’m keeping busy and things are just zooming! I planned on waiting till after Easter but hopefully I’ve got it all sorted to get back to work in the next couple of weeks! Gives me something to focus on!

How are you??

Any news from yours?

I hope your good xxx

[Author]

Posts