[littlehappy]

Hey

Hope your good!

It’s been a few days, as always my happiness didn’t last!,

I always buy into it! When will I learn!

So after all his efforts and actually doing stuff (which is minor to what most people do!) I had his mum and uncle over my house, made them lunch n all that while he used my driveway to fix his uncles car. All went well, then we went to my neighbors for a drink, that was quite nice too although the more I drank the more I made light of what a nightmare he was haha, I obviously found it funny but he didn’t. We came home and as I was drunk I didn’t realize that he wanted me to transfer money to his account!

Well I’d pre thought this and changed my phone PIN number the day before which was such a clever idea because once I was drunk I couldn’t for the life of me remember it!!

Anyway he got angry, shouting at me and then my daughter,

She thinks it’s cos he wants beer!

I get my head together enough to kick him out and then receive a million messages through the night telling me what he thinks of me!

How lucky was I that I’d changed my pin!!!

So next day he’s all sorry, begging to go back n carry on being happy, until today!!

He’s obviously been on something last night because I have asked to use the car to drop my girls off to see their dad, it is my car!!

And he pulls up an hour before he starts work and starts on me!

He has a stiff neck! – not my fault!

He screams at me for driving too close to the curb!! He has no idea as he’s never a passenger because he’s taken my car off me!!!

Anyway I end up getting a taxi home yet again,

This time I want the car back!

He’s a horrible human and how he expects me to wait for him when he can’t stop, get help or just be honest!!

I mean who lets anyone speak to them like that!! Screaming at me as I drive along, in my car that I put fuel in to drop off my daughters and he uses the rest!

I make the payments on it and I will have to sort any damage yet I let him to continue to share it!!!

I must have done some nasty stuff in my last life to warrant the abuse I get!!

So yeah, I’m wound up, upset, and really angry! Four girls away for the weekend and he better not come knocking because he can do one!!

Another weekend alone with my teeny one xx

[littlehappy]

Hey

It’s so funny sharing stories!, yeah always memories about his childhood, all the fights he got into – with continuous replays of how he punched them as he struts up and down the living room ????

And because I can’t talk about my past as it caused so much jealousy I’d sit night after night hearing his stories, I’d even have favorite ones so would steer a boring conv just so I could sit back and watch him play out a story!!

So many nights I’d have to listen to how an engine works!!! ???? so funny!!

Funny enough my one was due to remember a “father figure” who passed away n I was aware that he would be planning a long night of drinking but his friend disappeared off to celebrate a wedding and never told him! So I get a call asking if I wanted to drink with him instead!

Rude!

Haha anyway I say no so he gets on it by himself and sends loads of the wedding party messages because he wasn’t invited but his friend was!!

Such a stupid move!!

Anyway, I saw him with our little one last night, he’s changed his tune! On best behavior! No drink, played with baby, had his mum playing too, drove me home last night and asked if he could stay the night!!

I said no haha, I did say that he could come over after work tonight and watch tv with us for a bit and if he’s good and doesn’t drink then he can stay! So we will see….

Won’t lie, I’m quite happy having the whole bed to myself and not having to answer to him so I’ll see how it goes ????

Funny though!! And today, instead of laying about until work he’s been up getting stuff done over at his!! Crazy but funny!!

I really hope yours makes a change for the better! N yeah maybe he’s starting to see he needs to change! But yeah It’s nice to just be okay either way!! I feel like that now, I’m enjoying my space but if he really puts in the effort we will see!, I think we gotta realise that we are worth so much more than we’ve put up with!

There’s no way he would have stood by me!!

Let me no how it goes xx

[littlehappy]

Omg the repeating stories!!

Haha that took me back!

While he still lived here n it was out of control, he would want to start an argument every time! So his night would be fine, he would be well away chatting fast as anything about the same childhood fights n his beliefs n as it came to an end I would literally see a shift. He would bring up how I hated his mate, which I don’t really but I think they are both stupid but they lead each other down the wrong path… anyway he would go over n over why I have this problem n would I just admit it.

Haha it would suddenly start again like an hour or two later as if he had no recollection so next time I would say different responses n wait again!

It was like ground hog day and he would get more angry until I was telling him where to go n he either shouted my house down or he left!

I’d forgotten about that!!

One night he lent over me all angry n whispery n started saying how I was horrible n a rubbish mum, he hit the sofa next to me because I wouldn’t look at his face and I snapped, I only had to turn to face him n tell him to get out of my house n he was gone!!

He will never speak to me like that again! That stuff makes people crazy!!

Well I’ve not seen him since, today n he’s only just messaged me, it’s half 3! He has work soon and it’s another day missing his little girl! I’m happy today though, it’s hard n sometimes I wish he would just keep himself to himself as I care too much,

I’f he ever gets a grip it would be great by why are they so weak!!

I get that it’s addictive but he has a baby! He has a whole family!

Why can’t he fight it! It’s a drug not a woman that’s enticing him lol

Hope your good! X

[littlehappy]

We’ll meet up one day! ????

so many crazy stories to tell

But a drink to us to celebrate surviving n moving on!!

Xx

[littlehappy]

If we all wrote books I’m sure they’d be the same lol,

So much has gone on, so many messed up nights n crazy stuff that people wouldn’t believe!

I had to make a choice in the end, I wanted my family and that stuff doesn’t fit. I would feel so bad if I woke up half way through a day n I knew I was just loosing time n not making good memories, only ones you can’t share or nights you can’t really remember.

We used to be “one in both in!”

We were joined at the hip

But I never realized that it was because I was joining him, as soon as I wanted change he didn’t even try, we were one sided n I didn’t even notice!. I feel so stupid for that!

But I pulled it together, I got sorted and I had to get fertility treatment because I had been having miscarriages so I had a bigger plan,

After 3 I fell pregnant in lockdown and that’s when he really spiraled.

I no having a baby with him sounds stupid but I was so crazily in love with him, my eyes hadn’t been opened yet, I also really needed to because of all my losses, one of our lost babies happened at home and I have it in a tiny baby urn next to my bed, it broke my heart so I cherish our little one now sooo so much.

He’s missed out on loads already n I’m not gonna push him, he had his chance of me trying to help, he is an addict but still says he’s gone clean for days when I’m not stupid, two days max if he’s had a crazy night but he had so many dealers!

I sorta wish he used something else too!, he would do mdma when I met him, a tiny amount n he was sweet n it would make him chill n sleepy, that’s before all this kicked off, he was so different!

He tried swapping back but says it’s not about, apparently with lockdown it’s just disappeared….. I have no clue except what he says.

Yeah I feel like I lost a lot of time with my girls, I’m so lucky in a way that he left because we have all spent lockdown together, built bridges n I am so close with all my girls now. He lost a good family!

Anyway I hope your good! X

[littlehappy]

Hey you!

You got it spot on!

He wanted to start these date nights but I’m sure it’s just so I’m another outlet for his to use,

I think his friend has irritated him so he’s back around me.

It still makes me sick that he will happily use on his own though! A dirty dark room n just him!.

So we went off to the pub Tuesday as planned, strangely he got drunk first which I never really see him do, he usually uses n then is all chat a million miles an hour!,

He still worked his way round the pub, joining in every ones convos with me apologizing as he went!

He likes to tell the world my age n then that we’ve not been getting along as soon as he’s on it so that happened, pisses me off quite a bit because I don’t sit there telling people what he’s like an that he’ll be in the Loo sniffing crap constantly lol.

Anyway yeah it was alright, went back to his mums, I booked myself a taxi just as he decided to buy himself 2 more! He messaged me all

night, I woke up with our little one n he was still well away texting rubbish!.

He doesn’t remember much of the night at all which I’m guessing is something they put in his crap, I had to tell him what had gone on n I took my chance to tell him I’m done with how he goes round talking about us.

Won’t change but it was nice to say lol,

I’m so happy for you! Don’t loose that strength! I felt like that a couple of weeks back, n then he called n I did stupidly let him back in!.

It’s hard because his mum really needs me around as he’s so crap, n she’s lovely, just hard to stop caring but you are right n he will hurt me again because he’s never even slowed down on doing this rubbish! It defo comes first to all of us!

[littlehappy]

Hey

Sorry, managed to go on my own downer for a while,

Every good day n I think I’ve got a grip n then it all turns again!

I did write a reply but for some reason they wouldn’t let me post it? Who knows why, I reread it n it had nothing i could see wrong?

Anyway that just got to me as well so I’ve just hidden away.

Hope your still feeling a little more positive!

So I saw him last Tuesday, I’d been keeping myself to myself and he called, very low

I asked if he wanted to see me n where he would usually be a bit stroppy this time he just said yes.

We went out, supposed to be for coffee but he talked us into a drink at a pub.

All went really nice and we both let our guards down n had a laugh.

It was nice, he asked to spent Saturday with me but come Friday night and his lift in mood because we were talking, he went to see this friend of his, ended up staying up all night, didn’t sleep until lunchtime Saturday and wasted the whole day.

We have spoken on the phone, he begged me to forgive him and said we would catch up tomorrow and have another date where we can try n build some bridges….

Well until last night when he calls to say he’s now invited some bloke to come join us so they can play darts….

I dunno, I give up, I no how the nights gonna end, if I’m upset I’ll be made to look like an idiot, if I join in with the laughs he’s gonna think it’s okay, he’s not seen our baby for weeks…and is it so bad that I think he needs to take me seriously because I don’t look at him and think he’s even my other half right now.

My trust has gone because he can’t even put me first once yet I’m here when he’s at rock bottom!.

I dunno, he’s stupid!

So I’m waiting for his happy messages to start today as he thinks I’m really happy about what he’s arranged for tomorrow when I’m really not in the mood.

Lol my last message was so much more positive, they should have left it up! Xx

[littlehappy]

Hey,

I totally get what a fucked up place your in, stay strong!!

I wish they could see what pain they are putting us through!!

I spent most of my week thinking about him n trying to keep busy but all I was really doing was looking busy so the kids didn’t realise and he was on my mind constantly.

So last year I got myself a book and wrote each memory of when bad stuff happened, when he did nasty stuff, things he said, when I’ve had to pay people off, just to remind myself that he’s not the big dream I remember when I’m missing him,

I found it good getting stuff off my chest, and then I looked up narcissistic quotes which he fits almost all of them, I wrote ways to heal from what he does and how much I deserve because even now I’d never do what he’s done to anyone else but especially not him!

Now if I’m low I come on here, or I watch utube or Instagram videos on narcissist behavior, I read my notes to remind myself that this isn’t my fault. I still miss him but I no I’m worth more and just maybe something better is coming!

Last year as lockdown hit everyone he walked out on me, I always ended up begging him at the front door and he would push me away and leave, he’d go for a couple of weeks n then come back, over n over

As I was pregnant I found it really hard so I got myself counseling where a lady video called me every two weeks, she just let me talk and I sorta realized I was strong, I’m a mummy and ultimately I’m a really good lovely person.

I had the same problem, not speaking to him n not knowing if we were on the same page,

We have an age gap, so he was 24 when we met n I was 39 ???? but I don’t look my age at all lol,

he’s now 29 and I’m 45! We just work, he was always the grown up serious one n I just fucked about n had a laugh.

When we met I had been in a long term relationship through my 20’s so had no clue about most drugs,

I’d done speed in my teens but not much else.

So yeah he introduced me to different bits and was really careful with me but it just never became a thing, I was never bothered if it was about or not, I’m so lucky I never got hooked really.

He does talk but he’s always on it or on a come down so I have to pick my time if I want to talk, lately he’s been nasty and aggressive so I’d have no chance, he seems to think everyone else is the problem too, apparently doing coke isn’t a bad thing and he’s never gonna stop it altogether.

I can’t decide if I want to be with him if he plans on having that in his life or to go with it n see if he changes, I feel like I’m at this point so do I want to risk the heart ache again from the start or should I just try n get my head around things as they are?

I think he wants a relationship but obviously he’s hoping to keep living as he is but that’s just not gonna fit in with family xx

[littlehappy]

Yeah we deserve the world for what we’ve been put through!! And because we’re still here like a couple of dopes waiting ???? they have no idea!!

I’ve been thinking that in a way, is it really that bad, could I cope, am I thinking it’s worse than it is….

At the end of the day he’s using all his money, he’s doing it every other day, in the 5 years I’ve been with him, I sorted the house (we private rent) I pay the bills, feed us, do Christmas n birthdays. I even used to help him with his dealer debts, I’m not well off at all but I’m organized, I’ve always worked and I have 4 other girls.

Before him I was in a relationship for 14 years with the girls dad, he was a cheat and a bully, still is!! his family told me to be grateful he came home at night so that’s what I did but eventually I realized I deserved better and left.

Scariest thing I’ve ever done with 4 kids but I started again n met this one a couple of years later….,haha lucky me hey!! ????

He was a dream!

We met on a train by a mutual friend on the way to lightbox in London, he used to do radio, mc n djing, so we used to go n support each other.

We were best friends instantly, and that was that, didn’t leave each other’s sides, he moved in with me n my girls.

We have hit every bad situation imaginable n come through, almost lost my eldest girl a few months in, she ended up in St. George’s hospital, he stood by me! Became an instant stepdad

I can’t believe this has torn us apart!

I won’t lie, before baby I wasn’t too fussed n would dabble too, we were a couple n going out to raves n stuff it seemed alright, I can say no though and we both wanted to try for a baby, so I knuckled down n got myself sorted but he just spiraled without me. I’m from near Gatwick, used to go to a lot of UKG raves, I think it’s all around that scene really, this mate of his is on flex fm now

It’s another day! I wonder if I’ll hear from him as he’s off today n tomorrow! I’m off for a huge walk across town as he’s got my car, sorta looking forward to dropping a lb or 2 but I could happily say no n call him to take me as well….it’s like who’s gonna cave in first!! I just want him to call me! Xx

[littlehappy]

Hey,

Oh my actual god!

They are the same!!

All I do constantly is think of another question and as soon as I get a second I’m on Google looking into it!, wether it’s help or how he’s behaving, how the drug changes him, health problems, all of it!!

Same, he said he was paid short from work, he’s driving my car so it’s free for him but he’s supposed to be giving my car back as it’s school holidays, he said he was short for insurance and has to pay his mum some too now, I no he’s spent at least 400 on his dealer (probably a lot more!)

He does a ticket every other day at least and I no he does it even though he lies to me n says he’s broke so can’t get any because I no he has a tab with the bloke, he has around 4 or 5 that supply him, he’s driven for them to pay off debts and he does work for them for freebies.

I really hope he uses his time and his new job to get sorted n us back together again, I’ve not said anything about us either, like you I’ve made it clear he needs to be sorted before we can carry on but not actually said anything, he comes and goes but we’ve not said if we miss each other.

Like yours he was let down, his dad didn’t want to no him, they had to go to court to prove he was the dad and then this year his dad moved into a house at the end of his mums road!!

Of all the bloody places!!

And on his birthday he sends a message saying if he wants to talk to him he can!!

his absence has had a massive impact on his life, I’ve sat with him when he’s been a complete mess and helped him through!

that’s why I’m shocked at how he’s behaving, he always said he would never be like this if we had a baby but I don’t think he thought about how she would fit in to his life style.

It’s as if he just thought he could do it around her n it would be fine because he would talk me into it too!!

It makes me feel sick! Like he thought we could just be some scummy family with the curtains drawn n her play while we slept!! I mean that’s just the worst thing I can imagine!!

I just don’t want to loose him, he’s not cheated on me so I feel robbed I guess, I can’t stop loving him over this, I just hate what he’s become because I knew him before.

I saw him Saturday for about an hour, he was nice enough and I helped him with his car, we’ve always gotten along fine, it’s just once he’s done instead of being bored or doing normal stuff he goes straight to that. When he left it was strange because we have always hugged n kissed but not now, it was an awkward kiss on baby’s head and a walk away. I just wanna be back in his arms!

I’ve never liked hugging people but when I met him I became so attached, we have always been close, always stood hugging each other so affectionate but it’s all gone,

I lasted until today, had no plan on contacting him but now we have no need to see each other unless I want the car or he wants to see baby so I sent him a few pictures of her from this morning.

He replied with how beautiful she is n thanked me and that was that.

And now I guess I wait?!

He’s working tonight but then off Tuesday n Wednesday,

I wish he would ask to see us but I’m expecting his mate to get there first n organize a night with him,

That’s the thing, I could always keep him clear but when his mate texts it’s always “I wanna party” or “I’m bored!” N that means one thing! And he can’t resist! As soon as that pings he’s thinking of a way to get cash or who he can tick off until next time!

I’m really missing him today so dragging one of my girls for a walk in a bit, can’t stand going out by myself, he understood that n we went everywhere together but lately he’s been quite smug that I stay in with no life, babys only just over 6 months too so I feel like a blob lol.

But that’s why I’m defying him, I’m going out walking wether I want to or not, I actually quite enjoy it but I’m a keep myself to myself type of girl.

Anyway I’m loosing weight, not as fast as I would like but quick enough, I’m sorta hoping that the rare occasions he sees me I will make him want me back, I’m here arms open.

His mates huge now, all that beer drinking, but he’s thin as can be, I got him putting weight on while we were together, he had guns n a backside but now he’s back to bones n no bum lol

Does your no loads of dealers? Makes it too easy to fall back each time?

Xx

[littlehappy]

Hey

Thanks!

It’s such a head f#ck!

I am trying to keep myself busy,

I’m finding sleeping hard as it is with a baby but he’s always on my mind! I lay awake wondering if he’s sad, I wake up knowing he’s gonna be awake until 3 or 4am each night, is he even thinking about me!

I used to see his mum occasionally n she said he was really low n kept himself to himself,

Then why?! He knows I’m here, our family home, the kids he’s helped raise for the last few years!

My 8 year old calls him dad cos he’s all she’s known, he was her idol!

We laughed so much, life was the best it had ever been for both of us!

And he knew I would always have his back.

Was this all a game? He ticks the boxes for a narcissist too, but I can’t work out if that is the coke playing a part in that or not, coke has been in our lives from the start but only on a destructive level since just before lockdown

It’s such a waste!

We had a couple of nights where he

apologized, he told me he knew he was a shit boyfriend and that he was the one to blame for how we were, he said things to show he had thought about what he had done,

He always caught me with a “hang on in there cos I’m gonna change”

“ just let football finish, just wait till darts is over, my mate needs me cos he’s feeling low”

I’m a sucker for him I guess.

I just don’t know how to go about my life never knowing how he is, waiting for a call, I’m praying hes gonna text or call each day, I watch my phone when I no he’s due to wake up. I have no real interest in mixing with friends, I have a busy family, it’s just missing him!

I’m sure he’s listened to that song, he was a Mc for years and was the one who really read into lyrics in songs,

Do you still hold hope for your x?

[littlehappy]

That new song that’s out

‘Bad habits’!!

clear what that song is about,

Brought tears to my eyes listening to it today,

A love song from my partner to his habit x

[littlehappy]

Thank you!!

My heart literally hurts,

I get churned up when I see him, I miss him!

I no he’s not the same and I no I’m hurting because I’m the nice one, I just look back and wish I’d been able to lead him down a different path, we had our whole lives mapped out and I really thought this time I’d found my soulmate….well hi is my soulmate, he’s just being poisoned by that crap.

I still can’t imagine a life without him,

In amongst all this, the last time he had a breakdown, he was crying and screaming at me down the phone because after a lovely day with me he drove home and instantly picked up his mate and a ticket, I obviously wasn’t impressed, anyway that night he was punching walls, and completely crazy, I could hear his mum in the background begging him to calm down, I messaged this friend that night and told him he needed to pack that crap in, I told him that if it doesn’t kill him it’ll kill his mum through the stress, I just hope he read that text and I hope it sunk in just a little bit because

It’s true.

I wish there was a medicine that would stop all these effects, that would bring them back xx

[littlehappy]

I can’t explain how much this site has helped me recently,

Don’t get me wrong, I am a total mess, I’m low and sad but ultimately I’m keeping it to me this time.

Before I would go a week or two n then crumple n message him,

He would talk back and tell me how I needed to change or allow stuff and then we would be okay.

He’s so desperate for me to join in taking that crap, he knows how much I love him and seems to think I’ll cave.

I’m not stupid, our baby deserves more than drugged up parents, I wanna be there perky n alert for every single second of her life.

Like all of us on here, im mourning someone who’s still alive but no longer the same.

He appeared again yesterday, no phone call before again,

I let my girls open the door and kept busy, I was polite and so was he

– that’s the point I normally cave because I love him so much! But I didn’t, he gave our little one a 30 second cuddle, made a few comments about missing out on her as if it was my doing and he left.

Yay me for not showing any emotion but inside im am empty.

He is my whole world, I have never loved anyone as much as I love him! Life is cruel!

Anyway, like I’ve always taught my girls, one day it will feel better, all those rows when I just wanted him out of my house, all those nights when he was so angry and said so many evil, nasty things to me, that’s all done now. I must remember the bad times just as much as the good because he’s not the same anymore.

I have no idea how it will play out, im secretly hoping he will wake up and change but in the same breath he’s made it fairly final these last few weeks.

A WhatsApp group would be so good! This is the only place I open up, it’s the one thing that’s getting me through right now xx

[littlehappy]

Why am I such an idiot?

Yesterday I’m getting on with an average day, no sign of him, an old work friend wanted to pop by,

While she was sat chatting about work (I’m still on maternity leave)

He appears in my car, I’ll add it’s filthy! Full of his crap and you can clearly see where his amazing friend sits due to the amount of old drink bottles in the passenger door,

And he starts to mess about with his own car that’s been dumped on my driveway for the last year n a half.

I let him in to get power and he proceeds to empty my cupboard where he keeps his tools, everywhere! Like all through my kitchen and hallway, he starts his car but then disappears

My girls then come in to tell me he is 3 doors along drinking and partying with my neighbors!!! I no drinking will lead to coke, they may well already do that over there anyway, some of the people we no are quite well off and use it, others are scabby, thing is no one knows he can’t control it, he’ll act all clever but once he leaves he’ll be sat alone with a ticket or 2, he’s the addict who bullies and is on the brink of violence now, but to all these party friends, they think he’s a good bloke, that I’m holding him down. I get the looks and laughs like they think I should be grateful he even stays with me.

I want to scream at them all the things he’s done to me! All the secrets I’ve kept, I sit here crying and he gets the happiness, the laughter.

Why!?

I was a touch hurt yesterday,

I fall in the trap of thinking that he’s normal when I see him, I forget he’s a complete stranger now. I took our little lady out to see him, he looked for maybe a minute but she looked to me n he lost interest.

Over at the neighbors he continues to laugh loudly and call my girls over the fence, I’m sat inside being mum, feeding our baby and being ‘boring’ while he just ups n goes leaving his tools everywhere

Anyway I decided to take my girls on a late night walk so he can’t beg to sleep in my house, he’s rosy drunk, I hear lots of people laughing… as we walk past he has the front door open and both him and my neighbor are out on their porch laughing at us, I felt like an idiot for being upset, my girls are watching what he’s doing to me!!

They see me happy and how he destroys my a little bit more every day.

I sat in that park for a good hour crying, I took the longest walk home, I was scared to come back and put my girls through the stress of an argument.

Why, why the need to hurt someone?

I’ve literally given him the world, I’ve paid his debts, I’ve been his go to when he’s wanted to end it!

I’ve never ever let him down! Ever!! And now I just feel low and so incredibly sad….

Yesterday sounds like a pathetic day to be down about but for some reason it knocked me for six and I’m lower than I’ve ever been

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