[littlehappy]

I want to cry reading your story, so much of it is similar to me, I really feel for you and the pain she’s putting you through.

It doesn’t look like many come back from it either which I’m finding so hard to take in, I keep stupidly telling myself that he will realize I’m drifting away and fight to keep us but he won’t.

I have never had a best friend and partner like him, first person I’ve ever trusted my life with, he made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, we thought the same, had the same values and humor, my girls adored him…and then in this last year hes given me easily the worst memories, he’s been the nastiest, stood over me watching me crying after a night of evilness telling me how I was nothing and he had wasted his life being with me, punching the sofa next to me as he spoke through gritted teeth….only to want cuddles in the morning and to “just forget it” after

And still it’s me that loves him, still waiting and watching.

I tried telling his mum as both him and his friend use in his room, she didn’t want to no, I told her the signs but she thinks coke is a scary drug and no way he would do that, a bit of weed maybe but not that!

She thinks it’s an alcohol problem…considering he guzzles crates of the stuff I can see why but that’s just part of this.

He gets high, drinks and bets all at the same time so it’s a triple whammy.

He now lives in a single room that stinks of cigarettes and beer, I’m in our lovely house with the children being mum and dad. He’s chucked a good life away and his whole world just to sit in that room with his “friend” and rant his nights away about the same old memories.

When he looses his mum he’s gonna be out on the streets because all his money goes on drugs, I just hope I’ve moved on by then.

I hope you find a way to move on too, it feels impossible to me right now, im just living one day at a time x

[littlehappy]

My sister got fed up listening too, told me to go away unless I’d left him so the last time we spoke was the day I found out I was pregnant,

I did my pregnancy alone which was sad, I have my kids which are my absolute world but it’s hard when you need to just say stuff out loud, or when you need a hug from an adult.

I can be really motivated and on top of stuff and just like that something gets me and I miss him again.

I no as soon as I see him I’ll be worried and stressed but I guess it’s those memories,

And our baby! She is the most beautiful perfect little thing and I just miss sharing all her firsts,

I did send him photos and videos a lot at the beginning but he made such a big thing, getting upset and emotional yet never coming to see her I stopped, it seems she was a tool for him to use and say how he was missing out so he’d get sympathy from his friends n family – none of them knowing why he’s not with me!

And yeah thank you!

This morning I was so sad,

I’m glad I came back on here, I don’t feel quite so alone x

[littlehappy]

I just can’t believe how similar so many people’s experiences are!, mines just like yours, he called me one night, cried and begged, talked me through all our memories. He had found a hotel and planned to delete his contacts and go stay there for a week to get clean.

I saw him the next day and he deleted his numbers, he went out n bought weed and told me he would get high and sleep instead and wean himself off using that.

It ment nothing and he scrolled Facebook and picked all his contacts back up.

He would lay in bed off his head and talk constantly about how much he loved me, he’d get so emotional, but if I dare mention the time after listening to him for hours! (Because I had a job!) he’d loose the plot, just turn on me

He would wake my girls – teenagers!

And tell them all sorts of vile stuff about me, tell me how I must put myself about, tell me I was crazy and scream and shout my house down, next morning he would hide from them but still say it was me that provoked it all.

So many stories, none that are good

I’m really sorry your going through this too x

[littlehappy]

I have 4 girls from before him as well, when we met he was great, we did family stuff and went away with the girls, he left his job really early on to take care of my girls when I almost lost my eldest back in 2017, that’s why I never imagined he would throw away the chance to watch his baby grow.

He’s caring when he sees her but he barely does, I took her over to see his mum when a couple of the football games were on but he wasn’t really interested, only to show her off to his friend n then get on it, I stayed to watch with them n left straight after.

I guess I hoped he would miss the both of us but he didn’t.

He has a massive problem with one of my girls, I guess because she’s got her head screwed on and when he would use here he would be paranoid she was gonna walk down and catch him, she did occasionally to get herself a drink or whatever n he would go crazy once she had gone. Now he’s always super aware of her in the house, I told him, if he’s clean he’s nothing to worry about and I’m not going to force her to stay away, it’s his choice so he should stop.

They way it works on his brain is changing too, In the past he would be so lovely but now as he comes to the end of his ticket I could see him change, he would say the same thing over and over and make an argument, then he’d say stuff under his breath to me about how he thought I was failing as a mum, if I lost it he would act all shocked and make out I was crazy…I actually thought I was.

Once he left me I was broken, he never checked I was okay and this is a relationship where we were inseparable for the years before.

He was the one that made me believe in myself in the beginning, we were amazing, I’d never felt love like it,

I do love him,

I wish in a way I could stop,

I’m trying to focus on me, I’m quite an anxious person, I keep myself to myself and have literally a couple of friends, I only tell them what I need to because I don’t trust easy.

I am walking though, making myself get out the house n go a few miles, I do this with my eldest girls and it’s good….

I just feel like I’m in limbo.

I’m sorta sorry to hear your story but kinda glad I’m not on my own, why don’t they make effort!

I changed my life to work around him, I’ve been up in the middle of the night to get him to work and I’ve answered the phone at all hours when he’s been at rock bottom but when I’m sad he’s just annoyed, when I have enough he doesn’t care at all and there’s no way I’d ever risk loosing him the way he has me.

This morning I woke to see he had put a quote on Facebook about how he was watching his world slip away but once he was up it was deleted so I guess he’s feeling better after his last crazy episode.

He asked me to help him pay for a week away in a hotel before too, I’m glad I didn’t, he said he would delete his numbers and distance himself but I don’t think it’s possible, he has so many contacts, so many friends and avenues where he can get it again, people literally ask him when we are out.

I guess I’m too soft, I just love the bones of him but he’s broken and pretty nasty most of the time.

I guess his past holds a lot of his demons, probably why I care so much,

His mum has special needs so can be hard to talk to, his uncle killed himself when he was young, then one of his close friends killed himself on his birthday, his dad disowned him from the start but is now living at the end of his road – still not really interested. And to top it off, the father of his best friend who he does all this with died in 2019 suddenly in his sleep which he is struggling with – the reason he won’t cut this friendship and just keeps using.

He’s had such a bad life and for at least 3 of our 5 years things were the best, we were happy and I felt like we would make a little kingdom together, now I get anxious when I no I’m gonna see him,

im scared when im away that I will hear that he’s died.

It’s such a sad life, it really is the devil!

So have you moved on?

Do you have alot of friends you can turn to? Xx

[Author]

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