[lizzie1210]

You need to maintain boundaries. Speak to someone for support if that helps. I’ve seen a counsellor due to my brother and she’s made me better at being able to say no to him. I used to get the requests for money and really worry about him and what would happen if I didn’t give him money – would he get in trouble with his dealer, etc etc, but honestly, now I know that this is not my problem. I don’t need to speak to him to see why he needs the money and listen to his sob stories. The way he is living is not normal and not acceptable and I feel that getting wrapped up in the drama of it helps legitimise the lifestyle. You need to do whatever it takes to build the strength to refuse. You cannot get into debt over this, it simply isn’t on. There are choices he could be making to get support to deal with cravings and if he is choosing not to do this then it is his problem not yours. Sorry if I sound harsh, I’ve been having this discussion with a relative and I’m sick of them getting away with treating us like cash machines

[lizzie1210]

Thanks for your reply. I didn’t give money in the end. I messaged to see how he was doing and if he got to the dentist but got no response. It’s so frustrating that he is making life so much harder for himself.

He says he hasn’t used for a while but I’m not sure what to believe. And if he does get clean then it won’t last because he’s not taking up support with CA, so he’s not learning about how to cope with triggers or what to do when he’s feeling low. I felt sad today – the sun was out and there were so many groups of lads out enjoying themselves. He’s still young and should be out having fun not shut away on his own in his dirty house, it’s just so sad.

[lizzie1210]

The requests have escalated – so so difficult to trust him and know whether he’s telling the truth, but I’m trying to trust my instincts and say no money

[lizzie1210]

My sibling who is a heavy coke addict has compulsive movements and verbal tics as a result of using. There are also mental health issues and psychosis as a result so I’m not sure how much is due to the coke or the mental health. It’s hideous. Someone who knows more than me might be able to say if it is linked to overdose, though from my understanding it was from long term usage

[lizzie1210]

Bea58, sorry to hear about your son. I’m experiencing similar with my brother who is around the same age as your son. He also has psychosis with his cocaine and alcohol abuse, also under the crisis team. Here if you want to talk – it is unbearably hard coping with seeing them go through both hideous conditions

[lizzie1210]

Hi Catsmum

I had to do a double take on reading this, because it sounded so much like my family’s story. I’m the sibling of a coke and alcohol addict and Debc has it right by saying that it’s like living in hell. The constant worry is overwhelming. As a sibling I fear for what this is doing to my elderly parents’ health. The main thing to remember is that you can’t cure or control it and your first priority needs to be taking care of your own health, as does your husband. If you have other children then take it from me, they will appreciate seeing you looking after yourself and setting some boundaries with your son. Counselling has helped me to learn better boundaries and not feeling guilty for needing to step back when my own mental health was suffering

[lizzie1210]

Absolutely. Before my brother got ill I was firmly in the ‘addiction is an illness’, compassionate camp. But seeing their behaviour up close can test that theory, especially when they’re treating elderly relatives terribly for example. Having therapy has helped me feel less guilty about these thoughts, and that it’s ok to be angry and frustrated with addicted relatives.

I suppose with physical illnesses, people still have to stick to treatments, and to want to get better. I have clinical depression (not helped by my brother, sigh), but I’ve got better at managing it with self help, meds and therapy. I feel that I’ve taken responsibility for my illness, and it can still get really bad, but I put effort in. I get frustrated with my brother having the option of getting help but not taking it up. Even if it’s just going through the motions of logging into an online meeting and trying the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach.

So useful to hear from someone else feeling the same way

[lizzie1210]

This is something I spend a huge amount of time wondering about and which has caused friction in my family. To be honest, I go back and forth at different times. In my case, the addict in my family abuses coke as well as alcohol. I know with drugs they can completely change brain synapses and hormones, so it is much harder for them to make sound judgements. And surely no rational person would ‘choose’ to live in filth, have no money, be isolated and live in constant fear of dealers. But then sometimes I think maybe he chooses that because it’s easier than dealing with the responsibilities of a ‘normal’ adult life with thousands of decisions and interactions each day. I get frustrated as my parents are definitely in the ‘illness’ camp, and I feel they are absolving him of responsibility, and I also see this in how they’ve treated him generally (he is the youngest child, got away with more etc).

I think it’s normal for you to feel conflicted about this. Sometimes I feel blind rage at what he’s doing to himself and my family and I think he’s irresponsible. Sometimes I feel desperate sadness and it seems obvious it’s an illness. What I struggle with is working in a healthcare setting where there are people who are terminally physically ill – literally nothing can be done for them. Whereas addiction can be treatable, plenty of people go on to recover so why can’t they start making better decisions?

Sorry, quite rambly! It feels like a lot tonight

[lizzie1210]

Hollie, if you don’t mind me saying, it seems as though there are quite a few red flags aside from the cocaine and binge drinking. Cheating whilst you are official and being unkind to you. You say that this has affected your confidence. You’re relatively early on in the relationship, and that should be when he’s on ‘best behaviour’ and still in the honeymoon phase. Honestly, if it was a friend telling me this I would be upset to hear that she was being treated in this way.

I have a close relative addicted to cocaine and alcohol and he simply can’t sustain a relationship. To be honest, I don’t blame the few girls he has seen over the last few years who have left him, because the drugs make him a very difficult person to be around. He is unpredictable, paranoid and unreliable due to his illness.

I’d say that if you had been together for years or had kids together then it may be different, but this early on it may be better to step back. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t put you down, someone who can make an effort for you. When lockdown ends, you want to be able to go out on dates at the weekend not waiting for him to sleep off the effects of his comedown. You can point him in the direction of support services, but it will be down to him to commit to changing his behaviour.

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