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I have come to a realisation we cannot control them they are selfish when they are doing gear they care only about themselves and their next line so like I said I give up trying and caring if he wants to kill himself sniffing white stuff up his nose which turns him into an ugly person he can get on with it and when I have had enough I am going to end it and only then will he probably realise actually he may not even care. We just need to take care of us and our well-being and our family kids and stuff ah and do us xx I don’t know what else we can do I am lost with it all xx
Absolutely and look after ourselves and family first and that is what I do I don’t plan anything with him at all I just do my own thing and he can watch as I move on in life without him almost it feels xx their choice hun isn’t it xx well I am here if ever you need to vent or chat or anything xx
I know what you mean it’s like a routine and they are grieving not using almost and resentful that we don’t want them to do it.
My partner works away and at its worst later last year it was so bad he wasn’t even going to work he was away but saying his back was bad getting signed off and in the pits. We broke up and then he went on a mission to get sorted and he is much better but he used last week 3 times that I know of mind you it’s easy to tell even though he’s away as his patterns are so predictable. Up all night on social media and when he’s not using coke his account is deactivated so I fear he’s on there chatting to fellow coke users girls I rekkon and dealers etc etc. He has zero get up and go never wants to do anything fun with me when he’s home no sex drive I wonder why I am here tbh. I have no reason to stay other than I love him. But I am getting tired of it tbh and I don’t know how much longer I can starve myself of having a healthy living relationship as unfortunately his love for cocaine way out ways his live for anything else. Sorry we are going through it
Hey James thank you for your great reply to me.
Sorry this is a long one 🙂
I am so happy to read this post your positivity is so inspiring.
I have done so much reading up and watched so many videos on addiction and I am so interested in it I guess to try to get an understanding and to see how I can help.
In terms of his situation. Well I guess he’s scraping by really everything has been effected by it in every aspect of his life. He has a job where if he got tested he would be sacked immediately and from time to time they do test so what he does if he’s going to use he will book a Monday off and if no holiday he chances it. But in terms of his career it’s drinking as well that has held him back because when he uses he don’t get up in the morning but he has severe PTSD due to stuff that’s happened and he’s adopted so it’s all a big escape for him I think he needs help for his issues I think before the addiction.
For him his life is like a Merry go round it seems pattern of using and then the next day he is vile literally horrible, moody, snappy and I just know he’s hating himself on a big fat downer of self hate and gutted he spent all that money to feel that shite.
Don’t get me wrong James I know how hard addiction is but how I look at it is this
It over rides your brain and people don’t enable addicts ultimately it’s the addicts decision and yes I agree it’s an illness where it effects the brain and the thoughts but if you understand that is the case and acknowledge it your living proof you can change your decision to use.
That’s just my view and what do I know I have never taken a drug in my life and that’s the reason why I never will I have seen what it does to people.
So in answer to your question why do we stay?
Last year I did leave him for 4 months because he was so bad he just kept being vile and I love him but I don’t have to take that. He was devestated and he did still
stay in contact with me writing me letters promising he changed as well saying he’s getting help and he’s going to gym etc and honestly he is a lot better than he was but he’s still using 3-4 times a week for sure. I am here because he is a good man outside of that he can be lovely he’s generous and when he’s straight he’s loving and I feel sorry for him I guess and know it’s not him really.
I do not play cat and mouse it’s pointless because the only person who gets stressed and wound up would be me if I did that. I look at it like this it’s his life, his money, his job, not mine I take care of my own stuff I have my own home good job and life money etc I don’t give him money he would never except it or ask anyway as he is a very proud man. I look after my own well-being doing things I love and enjoy and when he and I spend time together we try to enjoy it. I know he did it this weekend Friday night he did some he thinks I don’t know which is silly because he goes to the loo a lot lol sniffs a lot nose running he’s extra chatty lol I watched him when he was acting strange and I knew he was getting stuff dropped off and put in his car wheel. The story about having to move his car etc all lies.
I seen it all really but I looked at it that when he came over he had every intention not to sniff gear but had a few drinks which we know is fatal then had to have it.
He didn’t do anything yesterday he gone home now and I am pretty sure he may use tonight. He might not he’s calling me later so I will know.
But he’s a grown man I am here for him if he wants support or help to stop but outside of that he has to want to do it himself ah
I have read about giving them ultimatums like stop or I am leaving I haven’t done that but I did leave last year.
I worry though about the health side of it there have been a couple of times when I thought he was going to die, his heart is thumping so hard and fast it’s scary and one night his whole lips went blue I thought this is it he’s going to have a heart attack. Awful
The other thing I notice is he has trouble sometimes with his memory he has blanks that’s all the time not just when he’s using it.
He also suffers from problems in the man department which is because of the effects on his vascular system and it can become permanent which is such a worry is coke worth it ??? I ask myself to not have a healthy sex life ever again that should be motivation for anyone to not ever use coke again surely?
Anyway I am rattling on
Honestly ask me anything you want to know it is so helpful to me to understand better
Thank you James xx
That’s exactly it and look after ourselves as much as we can whilst being there for our loved ones as well, awful situations.
Take care x
That would be amazing if the GP could help and you know what it’s none of our faults we are in this situation with our loved ones it’s so so hard isn’t it. My heart aches because I can’t do anything it’s totally down to them but I have realised myself that it’s not my fault nothing I did or anyone did and that helps me feel better in myself they have a voice on their shoulder controlling their brain and its inky down to them if they listen and of course take action to do this to themselves.
All we can do is be supportive as we can and safeguard our own hearts I guess. But boy does it help to talk to people in the same boat I have found since joining here.
Always here to chat ever if needed xx
I am so sorry this happened, I fear this will happen to my boyfriend as well he’s been using cocaine for approx 20 years on and off and has all the physical symptoms of it severally damaging his body. I am scared every time he uses and I am so so sorry for your situations xx
I am sorry you worried about your son I have been through this with a very close friend for 20 years of addiction this and I can assure you it’s horrible for us who love them. I am so glad he is getting help. I will say that if he is struggling financially and you do want to help if possible I wouldn’t give cash or bank transfer honestly I could spend all day writing ways in which the addiction turned him into someone I didn’t recognise with the stories lies that’s are so believable to us etc. I would help him but in ways that meant no cash. No enablement as the temptation to use when they have money is overwhelming. I really hope that won’t son isn’t, but instead I would do an online food shop and get it delivered, I would help out with bills but pay them directly for him. If your son is genuinely concerned with bills and food etc and not having any money as he’s struggling to find work he will be grateful for this. If he is using again he will try everything for you to send him money so he can have the money to buy drugs you will know. It’s really awful sad situation and I hope so much he is staying clean ans away from it but wanted to just give you some tips that helped me with my friend and take care of yourselves x
James how did you do it ? The decision I mean. Also how have you got off it and staying off it did you get professional help? My boyfriend is addicted to coke and I am the person who is being lied to and getting heartbroken so I can see both sides.
If your wife/girlfriend loves you please keep that in your mind and continue to stay clean and rebuild her trust.
I would love for my boyfriend to be where you are now. He has nothing he has spent and does spend all his money on coke and luckily he and I are not financially connected otherwise I would be ruined as well.
You sound. So determined and I truly hope you can put things right for you and your family and it’s the end of the addiction for you and stay strong. It’s so great that you have told your story and if you ever want to ask any question from her side of the story feel free to reach out to me 🙂 also any advice you could give me to help my boyfriend I would much appreciate thank you
My boyfriend is a coke addict in denial. he told me he only did it on special nights out with his friends but he had stress in his life with work last year and injured his back really bad so was prescribed pain medication. So this became his pattern :-
Stress, drink, coke more coke so high then back meds to sleep taking enough drugs to floor and elephant. Nearly lost his career and is still on the line with that. I could see it spiralling out of control but I also know there is nothing I can do. We are not financially attached I have my own home and I have my own life friends etc so I take care of myself. I love him so much and it hurts me to see him and if there was anything I could do to help him I would but I can’t. Not until he wants to help himself.
We split for 4 months he told me he is getting help from his work with the booze and pain meds but he can’t disclose about coke as he would loose his job. He is back at work, training hard in gym but I know he’s still doing coke. So it’s only a matter of time til it goes more and more down hill again. I know when he does it the same old tell tell signs sniffing, nose running, wired, heart racing, funny chemical taste when I kiss him, I have evening experienced a numb lips when I kissed him in the earlier days disgusting I don’t kiss him now I know. He try’s now to keep it from me as I left him and he was devastated and I know he doesn’t want to loose me again and I love him and I will be here fir him but I safe guard myself in every way but like I say it’s sad. I am posting here because I want to know if there are any one here that can give me any tips or anything to say that can help. I think really only rehab when he’s ready can help him it’s been 15 years of drug abuse for him I hate cocaine it ruins everyone’s lives. Thank you in advance
My boyfriend is a coke addict in denial. he told me he only did it on special nights out with his friends but he had stress in his life with work last year and injured his back really bad so was prescribed pain medication. So this became his pattern :-
Stress, drink, coke more coke so high then back meds to sleep taking enough drugs to floor and elephant. Nearly lost his career and is still on the line with that. I could see it spiralling out of control but I also know there is nothing I can do. We are not financially attached I have my own home and I have my own life friends etc so I take care of myself. I love him so much and it hurts me to see him and if there was anything I could do to help him I would but I can’t. Not until he wants to help himself.
We split for 4 months he told me he is getting help from his work with the booze and pain meds but he can’t disclose about coke as he would loose his job. He is back at work, training hard in gym but I know he’s still doing coke. So it’s only a matter of time til it goes more and more down hill again. I know when he does it the same old tell tell signs sniffing, nose running, wired, heart racing, gunning taste when I kiss him, I have evening experienced a numb lips when I kissed him in the earlier days disgusting I don’t kiss him now I know. He try’s now to keep it from me as I left him and he was devastated and I know he doesn’t want to loose me again and I love him and I will be here fir him but I safe guard myself in every way but like I say it’s sad. I am posting here because I want to know if there are any one here that can give me any tips or anything to say that can help. I think really only rehab when he’s ready can help him it’s been 15 years of drug abuse for him I hate cocaine it ruins everyone’s lives. Thank you in advance