[lola84]

I’m so sorry you are me 3.5 years ago. I knew hubby done drugs before I met him & he told me he doesn’t anymore. He was going to work etc and I had zero idea he was doing it at all. Unlike your husband who told you ( massive congrats to him) mine didn’t but I found out & couldn’t believe it – he was spending hundreds of pounds a week and I didn’t know – how is this possible some May Say, well it is because it happened and has also happened three more times since without me having any idea. He doesn’t go out and does it at work etc when in a relapse and most likely in our home too & I didn’t have the foggiest . We’re still together and still in love and he’s in and out of CA , I am hopeful he will one day get it and stay clean for longer than six months at a time , my only boundaries I’ve put in place are that she continues to try & after every relapse gets back on his programme . When I see he’s given up ( hopefully that won’t happen) and just doesn’t attend CA or work hard then that will be the day we are over.

I’ve joined Al Anon and go to two meetings a week & have my own programme, not for him for me, because I need it and need the support- I would deffo recommend it to you if you haven’t already looked into it.

The main thing is you can’t control his drug usage no matter how hard you try.

I’ll tell you a. Funny ish story about the drug tests. I also brought some from Amazon a while back- before Al Anon and sprung this on him one evening- he was not keen as you can imagine , I said look I’ll do one too ( no idea why as have never taken drugs before) but anyway here I go take the test and it’s positive !!????I am not joking, you can’t write it, so I had to take another two which were then negative but of course I was thinking stupid things are wrong anyway. In the end he done one, it was positive – but so was mine so we had to do another again positive, I was all ready to go mad, then I said do another just to be sure it was negative , done another it was negative – so gave up completely . Next day i asked my best mate to do three and two were positive one negative and she also doesn’t do drugs. This lesson to me was either 1) don’t buy cheap tests or 2) just don’t bother & I chose the second one because by then had gone to first al anon meeting and realised there’s no point . Focus on yourself and look after yourself x

[lola84]

My husband calls them his demons, he says that they are always there but he can usually control them, he says it’s like locking them away and listening to the other side of his brain, but it’s like he can always hear them banging waiting to be released.

He was in a v bad way four years ago and the demons were telling him o jump off a building, that was his lowest point I believe, and that was when he realised he needed to get help.

I would say its prob more likely they might get worse through withdrawal from my experience before they get better, because the drugs are not numbing the pain or the thoughts as much and when detoxing you always feel worse before better.

[lola84]

Hello, sorry to hear this, my husband is a cocaine addict, in and out of recovery. I knew nothing of cocaine and was similar to you I had no idea he was using, but now know he has been on and off for many years. Four years ago, he was in the hallucinations stage and it got really bad, that was when he was using everyday many times and it obvs got too much for his brain. Its great that your son hasn’t used for six week, hopefully it stays this way, he will need a lot of support, but its down to him to gain that support, you cannot control, change anything. If this is new to you, then let me give you some advice that I wish I had listened to many years ago, dont bother doing anything to control this, you cant its too big for you. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting if you can and try to surround yourself with others who understand, I’ve been going for five months and although at first I was thinking what the heck is all this about, it has massively helped me.

In answer to your questions, yes the paranoia and delusions do subside, but only if they stay off the cocaine, they will always be there lurking in the background ready to pounce again, but with him working at it then there is a lot of hope.

My husband still has relapses, but these side affects are no longer present, but he also knows that they will come back if he doesn’t quickly get back to CA/AA and work the programme.

[lola84]

I am so sorry to hear this, this was me a few weeks back, no money to my name, struggling to pay bills and him losing yet another job! Luckily I joined Al-Anon in December and got myself to some more meetings and found huge comfort in there, that even though I genuinely have no idea what is going on in my hubby mind and life right now, I can focus on me. Its still horrible and tough and I have today made the decision to cancel yet another holiday because he’s spent all our money on cocaine! but stay strong, take every day as it comes and reach out for help, go to an Al Anon group if you can, speak to others who know what you are going through. i totally understand that you cant tell his family, because I am the same, the only people I speak to are people who understand.

You are not at all insane for loving him, he’s struggling too and he’s still the person you fell in love with despite everything. x

[lola84]

Hiya, thank you for your response, this is really sad to hear, what a very sad reality you have lived.

You do not have to apologise for being negative, i absolutely appreciate your response and advice.

My eyes are still a little half closed, half open with it all. One boundary I have put in place for myself is that I wont tolerate any theft from me or my home, not that it makes it any better that he has clearly stolen from his work place, but I think in my head I feel that with that I do not have all the facts, I can’t be sure of the situation, but if it was from me personally then I would be more sure about things (she says, knowing shes not sure about anything)

I think I am not at the stage of giving up on him yet, but I do know in my mind that there will be a point that I will if things do not change drastically and I am under no illusion that I am the one who can change them, its got to come from him or I can absolutely see him in the same position as your ex within years and that would be so sad, I am just sorry that is your reality now.

I genuinely do thank you for your story and comments.

Lola x

[lola84]

Wow James, thank you so much, this made me smile reading this for the first time a while. You have explained it all so well and its such a lovely feeling to see that someone else understands.

What you have said about the fact that the morals and values seem to go out the window when in the state like trance really makes sense. Bearing in mind this is a man who I have learnt so much from and has made me a better person generally and his morals were something that I loved most about him which is why I suppose its hard to get my head around all of this, but this really helps because I have started now to see him morals are still there and this must be hurting him as much as it hurts me, if not more because going against your own morals is not a nice feeling, I am not at all perfect and have made mistakes and i know they are the hardest ones to get over when you know what you done it against what you personally believe in.

Thank you for the suggestions about the counselling , this makes perfect sense and is something that I have suggested to him before and he also has said is something that he would look into, although he hasn’t yet, perhaps it might be something I could mention once again as a suggestion, I agree massively that there is something deep down that somehow he hasn’t dealt with.

I genuinely appreciate your views and the time you took to respond, the only way I and others can get through these times is by hearing from others and you have really supported me today. For that I am so thankful.

Massive congrats to you for your recovery, it sounds like you have and continue to work hard, thank you for being an amazing person.

Lola x

[lola84]

Mine does constantly like every week he’s ill again ????

[lola84]

How can anyone tell? I’ve not a clue when he’s using except when the bills pile up ????‍♀️????anyone have any tips how to tell?

[lola84]

Oh my goodness I feel for you & do you think he will do the right thing and leave ? If not you are going to need to pull all your strength and leave him I believe in you that you can do it you need to put yourself first x

[lola84]

Thank you for sharing this . Firstly it made my heart really sad as you are so right I know there is a possibility that he won’t change and that makes me so sad and worried as I genuinely have never felt more loved and cared for in the past few years being with him (sounds odd I know ) because apart from the relapses he’s my soulmate , I was married for years to someone who did not make me feel this way and I am so sad that there could be a chance that this won’t be the ‘one’ when I do want it to be . Having said that I know I will be fine after the heartache if he won’t stop and I am strong enough to leave if I have to , I won’t accept lying he knows that now and when I asked him to his face he didn’t lie which is my only consolation right now although in effect doing it for the past few months is indirectly lying anyway . The other thing that stood out of what you have said is the thinking he’s better than those at the group , this was why we stopped he kept telling me I’m not like them I am fine they are different – now I understand he was right they are different because they take it seriously and are doing something to get themselves better and this is what he needs to understand this time round it’s such a shame though that the groups are currently closed but he has promised he will go to them and we are reading through the literature and starting together on the first step in the programme and speaking it through each night . Thank you for your comment it’s really helped me

[lola84]

Thank you I have reached out and contacted them . Thank you

[lola84]

No drug is better than others and I find it hard understanding having never taken drugs but heroine does sound rather bad – we can’t save them no they have to do that . Is tour partner getting help ?

[lola84]

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it . The situation as I’ve been told is that he bumped into an old friend near his work back in January who deals and they chatted and then he found himself saying don’t suppose you have some now and it tumbled from there – he started just a one off then the following week got more and then by the time I found the wraps he was doing about £140 a week at work at home in the car and he says he stopped hiding the wraps in the hope I’d find them as just didn’t know how to tell me . He’s promised me he will go to groups and will follow the plan now but unfortunately with the world as it is the groups are not open He’s admitted it to his family and friends and everyone is checking in with him . This week has been us again he’s been thoughtful and caring a whole new person although there have been a few wobbles mainly with me seeing things that may or may not be there as clearly some trust has gone . It’s devastating and I can see he’s hurting that I have lost trust but I suppose it’s to be expected . Do you go to groups regularly ?

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