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I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I completely understand where you are coming from with the questions. It just doesn’t make sense… but from my research into addiction and anecdotally I’ll give you my understanding of it.
If our addicted loved ones told us what was going on, they would be faced with a choice: stop or lose us. They love us, so they don’t want to lose us. But they NEED to use. So lying is the way to do both.
Through my own therapy, I’m trying radical acceptance. To an outsider, nothing an addict does will make sense. It probably won’t make sense to them. But to save yourself anguish, try and work from a place that whatever they did was because they had to, that’s always what was going to happen. They didn’t choose it, and neither did you.
Only you can choose what happens next and what you are willing to put up with.
I hope you find some peace, it’s hard but I wish it for all of us on this forum
My partner has just got his 9 month chip, but it’s not something that I take for granted anymore. It’s scary for everyone involved because relapse is so common.
If I’m being completely honest, it isn’t the lifestyle that I would have chosen for myself but we’re trying to make things work.
I would definitely suggest sticking to your boundaries with living together. It’s definitely not harsh, you need to be clear for yourself what you are willing to put up with
Hi ZoeG
I have no personal experience with drug use, but my partner is in recovery from cocaine abuse. So in my experience, I would say yes. It is possible not to use everyday and still be addicted.
It’s about not being able to stop or to be able to contemplate stopping, even when it’s damaging their life.
Cocaine is an evil drug which messes with your brain. It uses up all your dopamine, which makes it hard to find joy in things except using.
If I were you, I would talk to your partner about seeking help from AA or CA groups. See if he wants to get help now before it gets worse.
It’s a horrible and scary position to be in, because a lot of people think that they aren’t addicts because their life isn’t completely ruined. But that’s honestly the way it will be without intervention.
I hope this helps you, and keep coming on here as it has helped me feel less alone in this
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I found out 9 months ago that my husband had been abusing cocaine in secret too, so I understand the pain you are in.
I would recommend getting things out in the open, having another a person who knows what has happened helps. If you can’t talk to people in your life, Adfam have people that you can talk to to help you. And coming on here helps too, to know that you aren’t alone
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this situation and that you feel you have no one to talk to.
I was in a similar situation to you in March this year, when I was 4 months pregnant and found out that my partner had been abusing cocaine in secret for 5 years.
Firstly, I would say that finding someone you can confide in for yourself is vital. Addiction thrives in secrecy.
You also need to ask if he is willing to get help. Cocaine is an awful drug which messes with your brain chemistry and it’s hard to give up. Suggest he try Cocaine Anonymous or counselling as a lot of drug use stems from unresolved childhood trauma.
We currently attend couples therapy also, which helps me talk about what’s happened, without it blowing up into a massive argument.
And decide what your boundaries are and be prepared to stick to them. I have said that if there are any drugs in the house that I will leave. I would suggest not bailing him out financially anymore, and set out a timeline for him to start saving again.
There are also really helpful people you can speak to through Adfam for more practical advice and emotional support for you.
I hope this helps and you can come to this forum for help and support whenever you need it
Hi Nylanoo
I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I found out this year that my partner has been abusing cocaine in secret for 5 years. I genuinely had no idea
I am little by little starting to trust him again, but he has had to work really hard at being transparent for any of that to work.
There are moments when he slips back into addictive behaviours but I am starting to trust myself more. When I see something I don’t like, I say it then and there. I categorically refuse to be gaslit anymore into thinking it’s all in my head.
I would also say that it’s super important to look after yourself and consider your needs and boundaries now.
Coming on here has massively helped me accept what has happened in the past and educate myself.
I hope that helps 🙂
Firstly, let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation. This was me 8 months ago and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
You have a lot to process and ask of yourself and your partner.
If I were you, I would find out if he is willing to try and get sober. Then decide if he does try, do you want to stay?
Consider your own boundaries and stick to them. And talk to someone to share this burden. Addiction (even someone else’s) isolates us and it makes it unbearable.
Trust is a big one, and I don’t have the answer for this one. It’s something I’m still working towards. It’s so easily broken and so hard to rebuild.
I hope this helps. You are not alone
Hi there!
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Your story really resonates with me, as, like you, I am living with someone in early recovery. Initially when I found out about his hidden cocaine use, I contacted Adfam and they arranged for me to speak to someone via Zoom. This was a massive help as I had somewhere safe to vent my feelings towards my partner without it all coming out in pent up anger and frustration with the whole situation.
I also found a drug specialist therapist and we attend couples therapy together, so that when I do have things that he needs to hear or that I need to say, we can do it in a safe place for both of us. It also helps to hear that your feelings are valid, I think both for me to hear and my partner to hear too.
I hope this helps, and that you do reach out and get some help for yourself. It is so hard to deal with the reality of addiction and recovery too… looking after yourself has to be a priority
Hi,
Yes, we are doing couples counselling, as well as him doing his own counselling and attending CA. It’s exhausting keeping on top of it all, but I hope it works out for the best.
I’ve taken control of our finances and put a plan in place so that I am completely financially independent if I need to be.
I completely understand the going between being supportive to angry. It’s just so hard. I think like them, it’s best just to take things one day at a time…
I agree, transparency is the only way that recovery works and trust can be rebuilt. I’m keeping everything crossed for you X
Hi NicG,
I wish I had some helpful advice. I am in a similar position and have really struggled with supporting my partner through recovery while maintaining a “normal” family life for my children.
I’ve found that coming on here helps, knowing that I’m not alone. I’ve also taken steps to prepare for what I have to do if their sobriety doesn’t work, which I take comfort in.
It really isn’t an easy position to be in but I try hard to keep calm and let the resentment pass as it’s not good for me to hold on to my anger about the situation we’re in.
I would just say, that it’s been vital for me not to suffer through this on my own. Tell people you trust and ask for help.
I wish I had some advice to offer, I’m in a similar position to you and struggling.
It sounds positive that he is taking steps to get help. My partner attends CA meetings which he finds helpful. There are a few posts on here from people in recovery with links to YouTube videos and books that might help too. Ultimately your loved one needs to want to get help for himself.
It really is an awful situation to be in and I feel your pain.
Hi Betsy!
You are in the right place. It’s great that he wants to get help and that he has been honest with you about it.
My partner has been using in secret for five years now, and is currently working hard at sobriety.
Some things that have helped is attending CA meetings, individual counselling and some podcasts and books on addiction.
He has also completely changed his routine to include more exercise and not drinking or being in a setting that he would have used in.
It isn’t easy to love someone who has lied, but only you can say whether you want to move forward with him or not.
You are not the issue here. It is an awful disease and a vile drug.
A common thing I am reading is that we can’t do the work for our addicted loves one, which is so hard on us. They really have to want to get help.
I would say if you are staying with your partner, for your own sanity set some clear boundaries and be prepared to stick with them.
Coming on here has helped me a lot, it can be so isolating dealing with an addicted partner
From all my reading, the blaming you sounds like an emotional relapse. It’s where the addicted person lashes out to create a climate where they can justify using again. It’s so hard on the ones who love them. I really hope for both of you that things get better.
I would recommend looking after yourself, keeping calm and offering any support that you feel able to. I recognise the exhaustion and emotional turmoil of recovery too.
I’ve found this forum really helps too