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Hi everyone. Just read some of your stories and they ring so true to my relationship.
I’ve been with my partner 7 years, I knew he drank and us coke when we got together but it didn’t seem a huge deal at the time. It was a thing he did on a night out wth friends, and tbh I didn’t know much about the stuff, and didn’t think he was addicted… how wrong was I?
When we moved in together I realised how bad it really was, then we would get him off it for a bit (I think 7 months has been the longest that he’s been clean), he’d then relapse especially if it was Xmas time, or even summer evenings at the pub after work. This pattern of a few months clean, then relapse for several months happened all the time.
Unfortunately in that time he cheated on me numerous times, this is something he would never do if sober. Drink and coke give him this macho, super confident, non-caring, blasé, look at me, cold, nasty personality – he literally stops caring or thinking about anyone or anything. He’s even gone as far as getting escorts, I’ve horrifically had to walk in after a long day at work to find him with an escort. Knowing that he’s just spent hundreds on someone he doesn’t know, for pointless sex (because he can’t get it up anyway) destroyed me. I’m an idiot, I stayed, this happened over and over, I loved him, I felt sorry for him. The next day he would be devastated with himself, he’s been at the point where he’s tried stabbing himself with a knife because he’s so ashamed, I had to wrestle it from him, then he started smashing his head against the wall… how could I leave him?
He managed to keep a job, but missed days due to his addiction (as he’d be up until 6am doing coke), or there’s been occasions he doesn’t come home for days, he drove whilst completely out of it, over and over, I threatened him with the police but he didn’t care when in that state.
I have called the police on him a few times, not only to try stop him driving while intoxicated, but because he’s been disgustingly violent to me whilst on this stuff, he’s thrown a hot iron at me, smashed my phone, punched me, held me up against a wall… each time I’ve called the police, I’m not taking that lying down. His family are not much use, the police would take him to his family saying he needs to stay away from me for 24 hours until sober, but within half hour they’re bringing him back asking what the problem is and ‘can’t we sort it out?’ at one point his mum said ‘well what are YOU doing to make him be this way? Maybe if you have dinner on the table when he comes home…’ excuse me but I work full time, I’m often not home until 7pm, why is it my job to provide his dinner anyway? Plus, most of the time he doesn’t even come home after work so how the hell is that gonna help? The amount of dinners I’ve made that have gone to waste because he hasn’t come home, I can’t even imagine.
Why, if he’s crying the next day, if he hates himself, does he keep going back? Why does he think he doesn’t need help? He says he can stop on his own, but he never can. We’ve tried help, he went to a few sessions and felt embarrassed so stopped. We’ve even tried sessions as a couple but he didn’t like that the negative focus was on him, and sometimes he would turn up already on the stuff. He needs to put his ego aside. What he does whilst on that shit is way more embarrassing than going to sessions to help him.
He’s mean, rude, nasty, argumentative, aggressive and uncontrollable even just on a come down, which lasts days/weeks.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried going to groups myself but he thinks it’s embarrassing for him that I go.
Reason I’m writing this right now, is because we woke up this morning, I was in a great mood, but he’s on a come down and just verbally attacked me to the point I just broke down into tears. Making me feel worthless and shit when all I’ve EVER done is try to support him, and constantly put up with his abuse.
I feel for you. I know how you feel, but I don’t have children.
Mine changes and turns into some evil nasty piece of work. He has regular binges over the past 5 years. He’s so remorseful the next day and says he needs help, but he always does it again.
Its such a horrible place to be.
Make sure you seek some support groups etc. I wish you all the best.