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Hi Posie,
I’m sorry to hear your story and all the others recently. So good to hear Danman is on week 4, makes me feel hopefull!
My ex would have the excuse late evening to go to the shop for cigarettes or ‘get something from the car’…
I could see the signs straight away, he would want to shower earlier than normal and then when in the bathroom, the shower would be running for ages before he got in. I could hear him sniffing from outside the door. Then after his shower I would find tiny bits left on the toilet seat (it was degrading to check like that!…but I needed confirmation that I wasn’t going mad if that makes sense). The blatant sneaking around and then lying to my face when I confronted him would kill me, this was the only thing he ever lied to me about in our whole relationship, it felt like an affair, like he was cheating on me and hiding it all the time. Then came the Jekyll and Hyde moments….it completely broke me as I was the only person who received the emotional abuse and he was so good at being passive aggressive whenever our daughter was around.
I made the awful decision to move out with our daughter back in November. It broke my heart to do it but for my mental health and her well-being it had to be done. I can still tell by his moods he is still using (never when he sees her). He has never admitted a problem and makes out it has always been in my head and twists it all back to me.
When I left and was packing I found so many wraps in an old jacket of his, it shocked me to see how bad things had gotten and how much he had hidden but was almost like a sign I needed to make me go, there is nothing I can do to fix him, no matter how much I wish I could, I just end up helping him to carry on.
You should know, this was his second chance, we broke up two years ago for the same thing and after swearing he was clean, 2 months in he was using again. I tried with him for a few more months to encourage him to get help (he so badly needs it) but he kept refusing and said he can fix himself and I should accept him like that and trust he can change but how can you trust that when he kept lying to hide the problem.
Lockdown has made it all a million times harder for so many people. I stayed too long willing him to get better for us and feeling utter guilt at the idea of leaving during this pandemic but it only got worse and in the end something just snapped in me one day and that was it, I had to go.
I truly wish you and anyone else who reads this forum the strength needed to get through and find peace in your life again. It is one of the hardest things to love an addict. You are already a strong and amazing person for getting this far.
Are you ok? What was he thinking kicking your door down like that!! Makes me so mad to hear that, he should be ashamed of himself.
I know what you mean being worried what he might do to himself but your son and your own safety is the most important. Last time I separated from my ex I was so scared he would take his life, he was in a really dark place and always lashing out verbally. The guilt is the hardest part and I’m sure your partner can see how much empathy you have and how caring you are, that’s why he’s acting this way.
I know we are told we need to stop enabling and let them reach their rock bottom to make them see how bad this is….but it doesn’t make it easier. Keep your head on and absolutely stay strong, You don’t deserve to be treated like this at all.
This time around with us leaving my ex instead of him moving out, there are still mind games and awful mood swings (complete split personality moments) but he seems to have come to terms with it more and I am the one feeling more heartbroken over the separation, I honestly don’t know who I am anymore and have lost all confidence in myself. Why is everything so hard….?
Taking each other’s advice is the best thing we can do for ourselves right now. Even reading other stories on here will remind each other how much negativity it causes for everyone who is connected to or struggles with an addiction. Just frustrating that you can’t help them unless they want to help themselves, taking yourself out of the equation is the only way.
Tomorrow’s another day, make it count and have a positive weekend surrounded by the people who love you.
Sorry to hear about what happened with your sons dad but so good to hear you persevered to get your own home and have that safety net for the two of you.
Sounds like we have all been in a similar headspace the last few days.
I used to have terrible panic attacks and not be able to sleep at night when it was really bad. I feel so sorry for him and know he needs help but he just won’t admit it and now I am moving out, he will never take advice or help from me anyway. He sadly uses it as a way of escape and I am sure he has depression and tries to use this to compensate his emotions. He will only use by himself, it’s not a social thing…that’s what’s worried me the most over the time as he won’t admit or accept any help and I am on a constant guilt trip worrying about him as well as taking all the awful mood swings that come with it and then do my best to be normal for our daughter and do my job…have just reached breaking point all over again.
In a way, knowing I’ve got to this point again has helped me get my head straight to focus on moving instead of wasting life and, as hard as it’s been to get myself to finalize things, I think I am almost done and just need to stay strong until move time.
The hardest part is trying to figure out how to tell our daughter and hope she will be ok. Just have to know this is the right decision for all of us, no matter how hard it will feel now and hope it will make him wake up and see what is most important in life.
Hope you all have better days ahead.
I was feeling so much stronger yesterday but now he’s seen that I am serious and have made plans to move, he’s being the nicest guy and showing me how great he can be (maybe trying to call my bluff).
This is the hardest part to get through, it’s already making me stall on giving my notice to our current landlord and making my heart wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
It would be so much easier if he stayed the bad guy…
Our daughter is 6 and he’s an amazing father to her, it breaks my heart to do this to them and of course I’ve been told I’m selfish etc for moving out, I have to remind myself this is our second time trying after I agreed to take him back and he promised he wouldn’t touch it anymore…that lasted less than 3 months and the last 1.5yr have been awful ever since. That’s what I need to keep reminding myself, he’s not that good guy anymore. It will last a few days then back to the mood swings cycle again.
But seeing that guy I love again just breaks me.
Tomorrow’s another day, please stay strong too, keep focused on making your life positive again and know that the bad moments will pass… I’m saying this to you as much as I’m saying it to myself!
Well done for having the courage.
I have never posted on here before, but have always taken comfort in hearing other people’s strong moments so well done, it really is for the best.
I signed a contract for my new place tonight and it has taken every bit of strength to make myself do this for me and my daughter.
Have been with my (now ex) for 15yrs, been living a constant nightmare for past 4 years from his coke use (similar to many peoples sad experiences on here where he refused to admit it was a problem or get help). Finally had enough of this sad life I’m living on eggshells all the time and putting up with his Jekyll and Hyde personalities to start looking for a new place last week because he wouldn’t leave and I was too guilty to make him through lockdown as he has no work.
It really is the hardest when you still love them, but it’s for the best long term and wether we believe it now or later, it will get easier and life will get better.