[lostbear]

Hrm. It’s tough reading this. I am on the other side of the fence. I’m the boyfriend/fiance with 2 kids together, a stable house, decent job and prospects.

Coke started as something others were doing on a night out. Then i tried some, enjoyed it, then carried on the more I socialised. Then people were doing it before work, they were high performers, I tried it, liked it. Went from there…

Now I have a secret addiction and I dont know why. When im sober, things are really relaxed and nice but the slightest feeling of frustration or irritation and I just go to it. It’s a bit of a “ahh f*** it what does it matter” moment. Partially feeling like self-sabotage because im so low.

When I’m on it, I am distant, anxious, guilty and have some degree of excitement in my belly. Part of me wonders if I’m happy in the relationship, but I couldn’t ask for anything better. I think I just seek space and to do ‘bloke stuff’ but feel like that’s taking liberties because my partner is also dealing with a lot of stress and depression due to lockdown/kids/etc

It’s a feeling of being trapped and coke/booze is an escape to an extent.

I have sought help and am working on coming off it.

Honestly, the thing that would really blow my mind is if my partner was like “right, kids are in bed, lets whack on music on, put a disco light on, get a deck of cards, have a line each and a couple of drinks and a laugh”

I think the concept of her participating sounds fun and exciting, but it would really hit home if she went through with it. I care for her, and wouldn’t want her to get stuck in the same place I am.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but I always like to approach problems by doing something completely out of the ordinary. The results are normally very interesting.

Wishing you all good luck and if anyone wants to chat feel free to get in touch

[Author]

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