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have a read about valerian root for cannabis withdrawal also u can go to see a herbalist who will tailor doses to him

look up Narcotics anonymous meetings near him or call them for advice, u could maybe attend a few with him for support

calk drug service and tell them he’s suicidal, they may put him higher up list, make sure he stays on the list anyway as it’s only a few weeks and they will give good advice and support and have counsellors there

maybe see if he would stay with family for a while if it’s feasible

good luck I really feel for you all.

 

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Everytime I try to reply my message is showing as not been submitted

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Hi bubbles

how was the appointment at the drug service. Has it helped at all.

yes you’re right the nhs is a nightmare. He got back on it the day I last messaged, for 3 days. I’m so so sick of the paranoia and false accusations, which are completely wild. He came back from the last bender apologising. Booked the nicest early birthday trip away for me which we got back from yesterday and then straight back on it and all the paranoia again and threatening to come and speak to a male work colleague who is married as this is his current paranoia in this episode.

I’m so done with this.
He admitted last week that although he wants to stop using there is also a part that is struggling to let go of the drugs which is why he’s been avoiding meetings or getting a little defensive when I mention recently, he said he’s been doing it to try to get out of going.

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Hi navy

hows ur weekend going?

x

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Hi bubbles

how’s things?

I had a really stressful week dealing with lots of paranoia

he came back Thursday and things have been lovely n calm, he’s agreed to self referral to drugs service, we did this yesterday and they also have a dual diagnosis worker there who work with mental health and substance misuse co occurring.
had gp appointment yesterday who’s prescribed antidepressants but my partner doesn’t know if he wants to try and has asked him to refer to local service for cbt as mental health team won’t take on yet as he’s been using. Very catch 22.

I know if he doesn’t get to a meeting today or tomorrow he will be back on another bender by Tuesday latest. This stresses me the knowing what’s coming and everything destroyed

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Bellapop I really feel for you. I just read back on your posts.
u probably feel like ur life is hell wether he’s using or not right now and no clarity as to what’s driving the behaviours, what’s real what’s not.
when they make comments about life being boring it makes u feel u are not enough, I get it.
It seems maybe his awful behaviour sober may be that he feels he cannot cope with life sober and is resenting you for encouraging a sober life. These are his issues not yours and potentially his lack of being able to understand his own feelings. I could be way off the mark though.
have u tried talking to him about why his life sober is so boring?
sounds like possible underlying mental health issues.
Has he had trauma in his past?

Thinking of you xx

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Another thought is his serotonin is probably so low and he’s probably got some anxiety and just can’t really function well to do something normal when he’s on a come down and feels sketchy and may not want to put his bad energy on you type of thing and obviously u both know it’s the drugs causing it so yh the shame that he thinks it’s best to hide away till he feels more normal, right in time for him to go use again ????‍♀️

it feels so heartbreaking and personal doesn’t it xxx

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<p style=”text-align: right;”>He called at 2pm and had been at his friends squat with 2 crack smokers ( so actually a crack house) was saying how damaged he is and he can’t keep putting me through this. this time sounded different like he’s letting me go kind of vibe for my own sake which probably is true but it hurts. Then when I started to say I don’t want him like this anyway after all the hurt he said he can’t get better without me but sounded as though he doesn’t really believe he can get better at this point but said he wants a good clean life, it’s all really contradictory, guess he feels confused.</p>
He then started playing the stupid card saying he doesn’t know where to get help, he knows exactly where. Obviously his issues are complex but he knows what steps need to be taken to try, He Was adamant he’s not cheated and asked why I would keep thinking that but just using drugs as an escape from his mind. He said he knew he’d messed up and didn’t wanna face it. More like he didn’t want me killing his buzz and irritating him! But if he called ajd was polite and transparent I can work with that. The main thing I ask is honesty and respect but addiction doesn’t offer that,

I completely flipped out hurling abuse and wish i hadn’t and had stayed calm and cool honestly I felt so insanely angry. I sent a load of angry messages and told him I want to be left alone but deep down I want him to show up with some flowers and let me throw them at him and him not give up, pathetic I know lol but instead he’s at his brothers eating a kebab and said he hasn’t turned up as I will shout. I think I will make myself uncontactable for tonight and tomorrow as I feel guilty for going so mad but I’ve just had enough. I can’t think much further than that. All his stuff is here and we have the parking tickets to sort.

I will try to rest and get in to work tomorrow although I just want to get signed off xxxx

@fayzey it’s mad how u get some calm just knowing he’s checked emails means he’s alive. I’m the same with when he withdraws money from cash mashine as I’ve got the app on my phone. I’m relieved but then I think ur alive and not contacting me, so mixed emotions lol and ur comment about the drug worker saying about normal made me chuckle, it’s ironic.

@bubbles thanks for ur kind words.

u mentioned about the brain not developing properly and childlike displays.DBT is a type of therapy that helps distorted thinking patterns and behaviours. It’s the top treatment for personality disorders and traits and also great for substance misuse. Helps with improving empathy, acting out, black and white thinking, impulses etc Unfortunately not available on NHS and is pricey, it’s quite an intense commitment but good success rates and many who engaged properly no longer meet criteria for personality disorder which is pretty amazing but they have to be completely committed and as u can imagine with those issues many people will drop out. Maybe read up on it Fsyzey too if u haven’t already xx

@navy, everyone’s body’s are different, some are left with life long nose problems and others heal in a matter of weeks/months. Mine healed quickly but I was young and hadn’t used for the years upon years our guys have.

Xxxxxx

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Hi Fayzey, It’s not negative it’s all true.

 

Ur partner sounds very similar to mine.

 

I don’t know if he can ever get better to be honest at this point. I have a little hope but I don’t think it’s really sustainable as I think he’s missing out the part of reaching out to people in CA when craving. He can be completely functional when sober at times, that’s the frustrating thing.

 

He’s still missing, I’m so embarrassed the amount of times I’ve rang round and messaged his friends. I’ve sent him some really angry insulting messages now and told him to stay the **** away from me. The thing is I really do need him to come back as I have thousands of pound of parking tickets in my name as I got a car on finance for him which he pays but tickets come to me ???? and before I can properly give him the boot I want that all sorted. He was in a police chase a few months ago and the week after police put stingers out on road and popped tyre due to when he failed to stop, he managed to convince them the car has been cloned and he got a slip stating this and so we need to contact the places that issued tickets and send relevant information. I’ve cleared quite a few doing this but don’t have energy to do these others on my own, will take hours n hours.

 

I think he likes the idea of a good loyal clean woman and also the opportunity to get away from that life but like u said not completely ready to let go, it becomes a big part of their identity, drugs and crime and I do get it but not worth losing ur life over.

 

You’ve been really strong ending it but I can imagine everyday ur thinking about this totally confused and hurt

 

I knocks ur self esteem completely xxx

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Hi Navy,

Yes it’s very confusing! I really feel your pain and the hurt from the lies.

I hope for the same, even the 3 months to see what we are left dealing with mental health wise. U start to wonder who they really are without drugs in their system, I’d quite like to know!!! I know aspects are some are completely amazing. Sad really I don’t fully know him and I actually don’t think he fully knows himself. Such a shit childhood full of drugs, neglect and violence and lack of consistent parenting doesn’t make for a stable sense of self I guess. I almost feel as though I’m re parenting him sometimes. He was so excited to go horse riding on holiday the other day, like a kid as he didn’t really get those opportunities growing up.

Plus on top of his mum and brother overdosing his brother was murdered 12 years ago by his girlfriend while she was intoxicated. Step father died of overdose 8 years ago. Uncle and female cousin died last year of alcoholism. Some of his family are drug workers and drink socially but mainly the men in his family are cursed with addiction. I feel like it’s a waiting game as to who’s gonna be next. I’ve even tried getting his brother off heroine, he literally looks as though he’s about to drop dead.

I’m so so angry at the hell drugs have caused, nothings a wake up call.

I used to work in drug and alcohol field too. I had issues many many years ago with coke and alcohol and try to think back to how I felt sometimes but it’s a million worlds away from where I am now.

thinking of you xxx

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Hi bubbles,

I’m so sorry to hear about the hell u are going through, u really are in the thick of it, the overdose sounds so scary and tonight sounds like a nightmare that sadly u are probably too used to. He doesn’t talk about drugs as if they are a saviour exactly he will act as though they are a burden, change number avoid friends and family then make plans to go to a meeting, promise a specific day and then not go as I think he thinks he’s no longer an addict in his few days clean lol, then start’s craving but doesn’t open up so will try to sleep then when that doesn’t work makes a stupid excuse to go and do something with one of his friends or family leaves the house and draws money straight out. His brothers are also addicts and when he’s gone 2 weeks off drugs twice since the 6 weeks he did he’s relapsed both times with his brother after trying so hard. His brother doesn’t care.

 

But he will at times say it Helps him to feel better but from what I can see he appears completely depressed when he’s on one, a shell of himself, not chatty or outgoing more dissociated at times Or he may normalise it saying I’m having a few beers after a hard days work, his perspective constantly shifts. he often asks me to come places with him in car so that he’s not tempted to use after so tries damage control or asks me to block his card while he’s out then calls me and begs for me to unblock, it’s honestly so inconsistent.

His mum also used to go missing on drugs for days when he was a child so this is all very engrained.

It’s really scary as he drives about of his face and has crashed before and had car impounded another time , loads of tickets and does crime sometimes while he’s out with certain friends, robbing cannabis grows.

 

I really hope your partner gets the right help for both of ur sakes. Please update on diagnosis if u don’t mind.

 

And yes ur right about how much should we take!!

 

Do u ever get scared u will be replaced easily if you end it? I’ve  done a few times but not for long enough and each time he begs me back and really upset but I’m always still scared to do it in a way. It’s silly really.

Or he will send a message before  and beg me not to leave him

And how he wants to make me happy etc.

 

I feel like I have no life as I’m too drained to go out with my friends and when he’s sober me leaving house is a bit of a trigger for him to get on one.

 

It’s all madness!!!!!!

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I didn’t add specific behaviours in my last message but paranoid things like accusing my friends of being lesbians and trying to get with me.he was angry that I booked a hotel to go on a spa break in new year with my friend after he gone missing 3 weekends in a row n I spent new years alone.  I was trying to have a break away to build my strength . He was saying we need it more as a couple and because I didn’t want him to come with me he then ruined my whole time by being uncontactable the first night and contacting me off his face the second day and trying to find out what the hotel room number was n completely paranoid, I had to alert reception. My friend left early as she was so stressed. Barely any break from this crap.

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Thanks for ur reply Fayzey I get exactly what u mean about not knowing what to believe and what was real and not real, you have really been through it haven’t you and are being really strong 🙂

No we haven’t had second opinion. he’s lied to them saying he’s clean, he missed assessment appointment for mental health team and has another appointment on Saturday morning with out of hours Gp to get another referral to MH team which he will probably miss due to being off his nut again!

I’ve explained to him That if he’s not clean they don’t get a true picture of what his mental health issues are. He also knows he may get a higher disability payment by doing this and I feel that’s the main incentive. He was working but lost job a month ago  due to missing days off due to drugs.

he had self referred to a drug service but didn’t engage and keeps promising to go back to CA and doesn’t. Went to a couple and didn’t carry on. we go around and around in circles. He comes home a mess saying he’s done with drugs and it starts a few days later
<p style=”text-align: center;”>he’s currently missing on one of his benders left yesterday afternoon telling me he’s going to prove to me he can meet a friend without going missin and using drugs which we both know is crap and he’s done it again. I feel manipulated. it makes me so worried he’s going to overdose and paranoid he’s cheating and just pure angry and hurt. He said it’s just drugs and he uses as a release from the pain he’s feeling and then feels guilty so avoids me and carries on. I tell him just check in with me please. I cry everytime he goes out now as I’m so triggered by what’s coming next. We had just come back from a lovely little break that we also got there a day late to due to him bein too intoxicated to drive after being on one for 3 days.

his mum and brother died of overdose in last year 2 yesrs , he’s done bereavement counselling which I’m proud of him for but no point while he’s not clean more than a few days and he’s also not feeling his feelings properly yet as he’s understandably in shock and numb from drugs. He had a drug problem before this though which he doesn’t like to admit so much. His children’s mum has told me all about what his addiction did to her. I’ve been recently told by a mutual friend he’s been also smoking crack with them too.</p>
in terms of his behaviour standard bpd male behaviour which makes sense due to his childhood. He can shut his empathy off and go into complete black and white thinking when he feels attacked and paranoid and then lash out and almost punish me by his warped idea that I was trying to do him over type of thing and then a narcissist type overlay with it. Abandonment issues, neediness , double standards, lack of full accountability at times etc takes days to apologise

when he’s not triggered he’s loving and Caring and great company but the problem is I’m so resentful now due to the disappearing and lies it takes days for our relationship to get on a positive foot after for the rubbish to just start over again.

I’m honestly absolutely livid and at my wits end and am running out of patience and empathy for all of it, I’ve tried everything to help when he’s asked, found him a recovery rehab place he stayed at for 6 weeks , paid for private addiction help, alsorts, support us financially to cover costs from missing work and money wasted on drugs, my health is suffering and exacerbating my pre existing conditions and I’m trying to hold down my job.

I keep telling him to be honest he doesn’t want to be clean and he insists he does

I know I should kick him out, I’m very close to it when he finally reappears this time .

sorry for the long message. Am overwhelmed.

xxx

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Hi Fayzey,

was he diagnosed with borderline?
I strongly believe my partner has borderline personality disorder

was he off drink and drugs when he was diagnosed? His GP said he won’t refer him to mental health team until he’s been sober for 3 months but he can’t make it that far and obviously people with personality disorders struggle majorly with addiction and I would have thought that this would be taken into possible consideration

he was once sober for 6 weeks a year ago and I noticed a few odd behaviours/episodes which shocked me as I thought if he stopped the drink and drugs that all that would stop. It was less frequent but when it happened really shocked me.

xx

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I think you’ve made a very brave decision. You may also save his life by making him see enough is enough of the way he’s living.

His addiction is selfishly dragging your life down and destroying your relationship with your children.

I know there are a lot of things to worry about now such as where he will live etc but honestly please put yourself and your children first right now and spend some quality time with them that you’ve all missed out on.

good luck whatever you do xx

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